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MyFriend
68 years old
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Minnesota
Born Oct-27-1955
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Joined: 27-May 06
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Last Seen: 16th June 2007 - 06:43 PM
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MyFriend

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17 Jun 2006
Hello -

I’ve written this before but the software booted me and now I’m more frustrated. So I’m writing this in word so I have a hard copy of it for future reference. Don’t know if this will be good or bad at this time. All I know is that I have to tell my lengthy story.

Here is My story – how do I grieve? It has been three weeks and a few hours since I put my dear friend to sleep forever. Never to be seen (physically) by me again. And to this day I wonder how come I have not spilled the tears that most normally people do. Did I do the wrong thing or did I really do it for compassion, why did I do this? Why did I decide to do this? I honestly don’t know the answer. Was it really the time? I cannot change what I’ve done – how can I live with this decision? Should I call the vet to ask? Even though they said I was doing the right thing - in the end.

The story. I brought my puppy home (whimpering) with me and I slept with him next to his kennel until he got use to me. He became my pal, my friend. I didn’t even name him until it was well thought out. So I chose Sir. Chesterfield. Don’t ask me why, I don’t know but throughout his years he was known as Chester.

He traveled from Southern California to Minnesota with me in 1994. This is the year my dad died. He was 3 years old at the time and had quite a few airplane trips with me by then. He was my pal all the way. He was good, he comforted me. He was always there for me when I needed him most. He even dealt with me meeting my husband in 1993 – he. They accepted each other, that was about it at that time. They did grow on each other but not like the “mom” I was. He was my Pal. My Buddy. My Life.

For the last 7 years or more he had to deal with his knee displacement. I regret not having the surgery when he was young, But it didn’t show it’s prominence until he got older. So I didn’t’ respond to the issue. My mistake! I pray for forgiveness for not dealing with this.

Chester – my buddy – my pal! In the end he had fatty tissues, was going blind, and had an urination problem. I don’t think he was happy with all this - I’m not sure. He was happy with me – that I do know. I feel I was his comfort blanket. I found out today that I could have possibly taken him to the vet to determine if I could have given him drugs for the incontinence issues. This was only confirmed by a friend not the vet.

My problem – I keep thinking that I should have given us more time together. He was eating well and wagged his tail when he saw me. There was life. He loved me and I loved him. No doubt. The only thing is, when I made this decision I knew it was because I didn’t want to come home to my friend dying. He may have eventually been in a state that he was suffering unbearably. Was I wrong in making this decision? At this time I think so. He could still be here with me – maybe not comfortably – but still with me. Oh my god – I may have made this decision too soon. But was it – all that know me and my beloved Chester say that it wasn’t the wrong time – “it was time”.

My house smelled, he was uncomfortable, he slept tons of hours, and he was only living on my deep devotional love. I know this. But now he is buried towards the back of our property, in a shady area under some trees. With a wire fence around his grave, and a loving memory stone my friend gave me. With some flowers I have planted. Which are all probably washed away now during this past weeks storms. I feel so bad that I did this to my soul buddy. He was my life, he was my friend. How does anyone get over this? I have been told it is the part of life, but I don’t accept this. I have no children of my own so this is very deep in my heart to live through. I don’t know how to do this. I have not grieved like most people and I wish I could. All I know is I miss my pal and want him back. Oh by the way – I have chatted with some friends about this and I have told them – please do not forget that the decision you make when you choose to do this – is completely irreversible. It is constant and you cannot change the clock.

Now – I only wish I could grieve like the others. I have cried. One time (a week ago) many tears and loud tears. But I feel I have led an injustice by not grieving like I should. My very best friend is gone – and I need to grieve – but the emotional tears that everyone speaks of do not appear. I think of my dear darling when it is time for bed and such, but I only wish I could come to grips with my loss in a more physical way. I truly loved my dog – but I’m having a hard time with my tears – even though I feel they should be there for him and me.

Does this make sense – has anyone ever experienced this? Please help me, as I am grieving but not the way that I know I should be.

Your friend, my friend. Grieving
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