Hello. I found this site yesterday looking for some help in dealing with the loss of my 2 year old kitty Clouseau. I was very impressed by the outpouring of support to those who have lost their beloved pets.

I adopted my sweet Clouseau as a kitten who had severe health issues. He was found in the woods abandoned by his mom and brought to the rescue group where I fell in love with him. It was hard to resist him - he was the sweetest and most loving kitten. Everyone at the vet loved him. He ended up needing surgery for a hiatal hernia - he was constantly throwing up and would not have survived without this surgery. He made it through surgery at only 4 months old. Twice a day he needed medicine until he was finally able to wean off it when he was one year old.

He was extremely attached to me and became aggressive to others - I'm still not sure why. But he was so devoted to me - if I was somewhere else in the house he would cry until he found me. He followed me everywhere and kept me company, greeting me when I came home by jumping up with his front paws on my leg. He slept with me, pawing at the covers to get under to curl up next to me with his head on the pillow. There are so many more things to say about him. He made me laugh, kept me from being lonely, was just so adorable. I felt so protective of him -- maybe because I nursed him to health and he was so attached to me.

I felt so much guilt this past week that I couldn't save him and that I didn't take him in sooner -- I didn't know. And so sad that he was in emergency with strangers -- he was so scared until I showed up. Now that he's gone, I still worry about him. I dreamt about him trying to find me and I worry that he's all alone. This house is so empty without him. I still have my other kitty Max, but it's not the same. And I worry about Max being alone now. My life for the last week has been at a stand still. I don't want to be at home because it's so hard, yet I don't want to leave Max alone for too long.

I am having a better day today, but I know the waves of overwhelming sadness will come back -- especially the more time I'm at home alone without him. I'm trying to deal with the guilt of not taking him in sooner. It's so hard when you feel like you've betrayed them.

Wendy

So sorry for the loss of your sweet kitty. All these feelings you have are normal. We all worry whether we took our pets in to the vet soon enough, whether there were signs that we missed, whether we made the right decision if we had to have them put to sleep. It can be really hard to deal with guilty feelings on top of grief. I'm sure, as much as you loved your dear pet, that you did everything possible. I can tell that you really cared and you tried very hard to provide all the medical care that was needed. He knows how much you loved him. He knows you would have saved him if you possibly could have.

Worrying about your other kitty being home alone is normal too but they seem to adjust quicker than we do. I had 2 female Yorkies from the same litter and lost one to kidney failure at the age of twelve in July. Now I really hate to leave the other one home alone for very long, so I understand what you mean, even though she doesn't really seem to mind. Your other kitty will probably adapt to the situation before long, especially with the extra love and attention.

Please accept my sympathy for your loss. I think we often become even more attached to pets that have special needs and that makes it even harder to let them go. But I can tell from your post that you were a wonderful cat mom and he knows that he was dearly loved.

Dear Wendyt,

Please accept my sincere condolences on the loss of your wonderful little Clouseau. This is always such an awful spot to be in and live through, especially since you were one of the most important people saving him from the brink of death once before. This has to make things even more difficult and questionable. You have found a site that will bring you much comfort, support and understanding for as long as you want or need it.

I lost my Trevor, a 13 year old C. spaniel almost 7 weeks ago. He had severe neurologic problems from the day we rescued him. He lived with us for 2 years and 2 months before having to go to that Perfect place beyond the Rainbow Bridge. I miss him intnsely, every day, even with our new rescue spaniel. But I can assure you of one belief that most of us share and that is this: Mr. Clouseau is NOT alone at all! Every single creature (cat, dog, mouse, gerbil, bunny, ferret, you name it) has either made friends with him or is in the process of doing so. The Heaven over the Rainbow Bridge is a very active and lovely place, I believe. There is no pain, no suffering, no illness, no loneliness (except for their people), rather this is a destination filled with love, happiness, planty of good food, water, sunshinie, warmth (yet not too warm), just everything that all creatures have earned and deserve for the rest of eternity. I'm sure that Trevor has greeted Clouseau by now and if he hasn't I'll make sure he knows about him. In this marvelous place there is NO pain.

It is for us, that remain behind on earth, that the suffering, sorrow, pain, guilt, questioning decends. Idon't know why that has to be, but it is true for everyone on this site for sure. We have been left behind, sometimes being the ones who sent our beloved companion to the Perfect Land. I also believe that the sorrow we feel for our loved one(s) is directly proprotional to the love we have for him/her/them. I love Trevor with all my heart and soul and, to this day, my heart remains shredded and my soul feels so empty. And that is with a new, younger spaniel, who is very dear himself, in the house with me. WE love each of our companions in their own way and we grieve for them in our own way.

The journey you are beginning is not an easy one. It's not quick and has been aptly described as a "rollercoaster from hell". That pretty much sums it up. HOWEVER, you are never alone on this journey. Everyone here (on Lightning-Strike) has been or is on the journey right now. Each may be in a different part of the journey (and the ride that goes with it), but we are all together seeking the same end result. Nothing you can write, say or think has not been expressed before. We are people who want to listen, help, reply, understand and even hold you up when you just cannot do that by yourself. I know many wonderful people who continue to help me and I've been writing for many weeks before Trevor died and for 7 weeks since.

I am so sorry for your incredible loss and so sorry that Max is going through the same thing. Feel free to tell him any and everything you want to - I do that with my Dreamer, too. Please keep in touch and let us know how you are doing. And when you feel up to it, I'd love to hear more about Clouseau and perhaps see some pictures.

May you have a peaceful night and thank you for writing!

Blessings............................
Bobbie

Hi, wendy, please permit me to add my sincerest sympathies in the physical loss of your beloved Clouseau. Losing a beloved companion is never easy regardless of the circumstances or how long we are blessed with the privilege of their company.

As BonniesMom has so comfortingly shared with you, and what our fellow forum correspondents will also share, what you are experiencing in your grief journey is very normal. Unfortunately part of the many emotions we experience is guilt, and can be one of the hardest grief emotions to reconcile. I hope in time you will find peace in your heart knowing that you truly did everything that is in your power to give your beloved Clouseau a happy, healthy earthly journey. In any relationship we never know how long our loved ones are going to be physically with us. This is why we cherish every moment of every hour of every day that we have with them - - and love them to the fullest of our hearts which knows no boundaries. You and your beloved Clouseau are forever a part of each other. The love bond you share is eternal, wendy - - it is not restricted to the physical laws of time and space. Your beloved Clouseau continues to be with you in your heart and your memories - he continues to share your earthly journey just as he always has and always will. He is forever a part of you - - he is forever a heartbeat close to you.

Wendy, this grief adjustment journey is a one day at a time, sometimes one moment at a time journey. It is important that you give yourself permission to grieve the physical absence your beloved Clouseau. Both you and Max need each other to comfort one another in this time of great sorrow. Whatever happened with your beloved Clouseau I know in my heart from what you have shared with us that you could never have betrayed your Clouseau.

Wendy, thank you so very much for sharing your beloved Clouseau with us. Perhaps you may want to share picture(s) of him with us - - but only if / when you are ready. Please know you are among friends here, and we are here for you for as long and as often as you need us. Please know you and your precious Max are in my thoughts and prayers, and look forward to knowing how you both are doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Dear Wendy, Just adding my sympathies for your loss - when i lost my girl cat I had no idea about the range or strength of emotions that would sweep over me, I knew it would be hard, but not the nightmare this journey actually is, losing your baby so suddenly is so hard... Sending you some strength and a huge hug today Leejaye PS Please give Max his favourite pat for me

Thank you everyone for your kind words! It is so helpful to share with people who fully understand what I'm going through. I would love to share a picture of Clouseau, he was so adorable. I was able to bring him to work when he was ill as a kitten -- I've attached an image of us at my job when he was a few months old.

I still don't know why this happened to him. I left at 10am on Wednesday and he was fine. When I returned at 2pm he was laying in the litter box and wouldn't move. I took him straight to my vet who then had me take him to emergency. They tried to do an ultra sound, but he nearly died. He was bleeding into his abdomen - they did end up able to do an ultrasound the next day after giving him blood transfusions the night before. They still didn't know what was happening and said it was very unusual. He was bleeding internally, his liver was compromised -- they thought it was a cyst off his liver that ruptured. They were unable to get his blood to clot even after giving him plasma, so there was no way to do surgery to really find out what was wrong and if he could be healed and lead a happy life. There is a chance it was cancerous, but I will never know because they were unable to do the surgery. My vet and the emergency vet and technicians all agreed it was time to let him go.

I will give Max some extra loving and hope he adjusts quickly. It's hard to be here -- I would spend my time staying at friends and family if not for him. I do need to get used to being here without Clouseau even though I really don't want to be here. It feels so empty and strange and not like my home anymore.

Dear Wendy, Thankyou for the photo - Clouseau is gorgeous...I wish i had more knowledgable words about why these things happen, especially to one so young - my heart breaks for you reading about you finding him and struggling to save him...I know what you mean about the house not feeling right, after I lost my Mischief cat I rattled around, not able to settle, nowhere felt like home without her...This is a hard road, this grieving journey, sending you all the support i can, Leejaye PS Would Max object to more pats?

What a beautiful face your little Clouseau had! So precious.

Dear Wendy

Yes, little Clouseau IS (not "was") one incredible cat! One glance at his picture tells all! As the others have said, you're going through one of life's worst experiences - separation from one's most beloved. For many of us, being separated from our spirit-animal is even more difficult than losing a person. (And nobody here thinks that's weird.) Some animals - and it sounds like your clouseau is one of them - are our very special soul-mates. We're made of the same 'soul stuff' and have shared love from the beginning to time. These animals are amazing! Out of all the millions and billions of people in the world, they search us out, find us and put themselves in our paths so we will find them. The huge rush of love on both sides tells us we've found each other. VERY special people get chosen by their spirit animals when they MOST need it - like your Clouseau, whom you snatched from the jaws of death not once but twice! My Gretta (the kindest chocolate lab who ever lived) chose me at age 10 (her age) at the first adoption event I'd ever gone to. Just set her head on my lap and pawed me a couple of times, saying "Please take me home." I did. As an older dog who had almost starved to death running the streets in ultra-cold MN November, she had many health problems. Like you, no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't make her physically weee. But, also like you, I gave her every bit of love I had (and still have) in my heart. Like Clouseau, she had a life enveloped in a mother's love - which is the ultimate protection against fear and sadness.

Wendy, this grief journey, especially for our special soul-mates, IS the roller coaster from hades. I'm SO sorry you have to join us on this horrible journey. But I'm SO glad you found us. We're here 24/7 and we get it. We're here when you think you're all alone and acting near-insane (which you're definitely NOT), we're here when other people say hurtful things even though they're trying to be helpful, we're here when you can't do anything but cry, we're here to hold you up when you're "almost level with the ground" as the old hymn says. Every one of us has done things that the world would call 'nuts'. We know those things are NOT nuts - they're a reflection of the love we still HAVE for the very special animal who has disappeared - temporarily. They are still near us - just a breath away - but it hurts SO much that we can't see or hear or pet them - just for a while. We WILL rejoin them in the perfect World - but we'd give ANYTHING to have them HERE, NOW!!

Welcome to the LS family, Wendy. If only the price of admission weren't our hearts!

Blessing and peace,

Gretta's mom

Mornings are the worst. I've been sleeping in as long as my body will let me because I don't want to wake up without him here and realize again that he's gone. And then I feel terrible that I slept so long and then knowing I have to figure out how to get through the day. I was supposed to be enjoying my two weeks off between jobs -- I was looking forward to spending the time with my kitties and relaxing and taking care of things before I start on Monday. Needless to say, that hasn't happened. I know in a way it's good that I've had the time off to deal with this and to have been able to be at the vet those few days to be there as much as they'd let me, but it sucks. I stay up until late and sleep in and don't take care of anything. I was going to prepare for my new job, but haven't done any of that and now I worry about the stress of a new job and if I can even do it. I don't even want to clean because it's too sad and I have no motivation.

The house is so empty and I can't stand to be here. Clouseau brought so much life and laughter to my home.

Thank you for all your kind words and for your understanding. Bobbie, thank you for what you said about him not being lonely wherever he is. I was so distraught after the dream I had and him being all alone. I asked my dad to please take care of him too -- I lost my dad about a year ago, and felt better that there's someone to keep him company, although I'm sure he's playing with all the other animals as much as he can. I am not a spiritual/religious person, so I don't know what I believe -- but I'd like to believe they are all there safe and happy and healthy and we'll see them all some day. My aunt says we'll be reunited with all the pets we've ever loved, and I hope she's right. I think Clouseau would be the first to greet me -- I never had a pet so attached and devoted to me as he was. The rest of my fur babies could let others love and take care of them, but Clouseau only wanted to be with me. It's why I worry so much about him and feel so protective and so sad that I couldn't help him when he needed me the most.

Hi, wendy, thank you so very much for sharing with us how you and your precious Max are doing, and for the WONDERFUL picture of you and your beloved Clouseau. What a sweet little face!!!

"It's hard to be here -- I would spend my time staying at friends and family if not for him. I do need to get used to being here without Clouseau even though I really don't want to be here. It feels so empty and strange and not like my home anymore." "The house is so empty and I can't stand to be here. Clouseau brought so much life and laughter to my home."

Scientific studies prove that every living being has an "energy". When this individual energy is no longer physically present in the group - - for whatever reason - - there is a feeling of loss. The group - - you and your precious Max - - are now having to re-define your routines within the new "energy" group. Even the structure of the house feels the loss - - it feels as though the house structure itself is mourning - - be it an individual dwelling, an apartment, a tent, a cardboard box - - WHATEVER the structure - - it knows one of it's members is no longer physically present. It just takes time for this "energy" adjustment to happen.

"I don't even want to clean because it's too sad and I have no motivation."

Wendy, what you are feeling is very, very normal in this grief journey. Grieving literally takes all of our energy away because our hearts are so filled with deep sorrow. You and Max are literally in a "survival" situation right now, so it is best for you to not force yourself to "do" things that you are not feeling up to doing. You have enough stress to deal with - - your new job and the physical absence of your beloved Clouseau. You and Max need whatever time you have together to just be there for each other. You will feel like you are functioning in what I call "automatic pilot" - - bills will get paid, groceries bought, errands done, etc.. You don't need any additional stress on you and Max for awhile.

"I am not a spiritual/religious person, so I don't know what I believe -- but I'd like to believe they are all there safe and happy and healthy and we'll see them all some day."

Wendy, please believe me when I say that when it comes to a life-changing crisis - - and losing the physical presence of your precious Clouseau IS a life-changing crisis - - even those who profess a strong spiritual faith can find their faith sorely tested during the deep grief. What I share with you, and our fellow forum friends, is what I have personally learned in my earthly journey. I have been scoffed at by many various established religious denominations when I have shared my beliefs. I have been called many hateful names by ordained ministers because of my beliefs. I no longer belong to any structured religious denomination because of this. I assure you with all my heart that you WILL be reunited with your beloved Clouseau when it is your appropriate time to join him in eternal joy. And he WILL BE waiting for you with great anticipation to escort you into heaven's perfect garden. As the saying (used to) goes, "you can take this to the bank." (although we may need to come up with a new saying with all the banks going into foreclosures and the stock market insecurity.)

You did the very best by your precious Clouseau. You gave him the one thing he desperately needed -- a LOVING HEART AND HOME - - and he is FOREVER grateful to you for this. Please know his love for you IS ETERNAL - - he is FOREVER a part of you, Wendy - - he is ALWAYS AND FOREVER a heartbeat close to you.

Wendy, I hope today is being kind to you and your precious Max. This grief journey can only be traveled one day at a time, but you are NEVER ALONE in your journey. Thank you so very much for sharing your beloved Clouseau with us. Please know you and your precious Max are in my thoughts and prayers, and am looking forward to knowing how you both are doing.

Peace and blessing,
moon_beam

This is my first post. I found this site on Tuesday. I lost my most beloved kitty on Monday. Wendy, you are not alone.
I'm still crying, a little less often now. I miss him so and also feel guilty for not taking him to the vet earlier. We had been dealing with asthma and he had taken prednisone, which is why I think he developed diabetes. Yes, he was very good at disguising his illness. He was 9 years old and the best kitty ever, and I can't believe he isn't here with me.
Thank you Moon-Beam and all.
vicki

Tonight is hard - I managed to mostly bury my feelings the last few days, but today it's all coming back. It was my first day on the new job and the first time I've come home after work to have no Clouseau greeting me at the door. I just feel terrible -- the reality of him being gone has come back with full force. I'm so sad -- he was so young and sweet and I miss him so much.

Vicki, I'm so sorry you lost your kitty. It's heart breaking, I know. I am thinking of you.

Thank you Moon Beam, Gretta's Mom, Bonnie's Mom, Leejaye, and Bobbie. You are so kind and compassionate and your posts help me feel a little better. I come back every day to read them.

I so know how you feel. When my baby Eileen died, I worried about her so much. She was very attached to me and very afraid of people she didn't know. I was afraid that wherever she was, she would be lonely and sad. She'd have no one to snuggle up to at night. As hard as it was for me to be without her, I was afraid it would be worse for her to be without me.

One night I had a dream about Eileen in which she told me that she was in a sunny place and it was not scary there. She always loved to stretch out in the sun for a nap. I didn't miss her any less but I started feeling less afraid that she was lonely and scared, wherever she is.

Dear Wendy, I am further along this grief road than you, but I started a new job today too, so I can certainly imagine how hard it was for you coming home without Clouseau being there... this grief journey is one step at a time, sometimes a couple backwards, sending you huge hugs and a pat for Max, Leejaye

hello.. it has been 7.5 days since i lost sparkie. I am still having a hard time and apt to start crying at any time, trying to pull myself out of the hole. Wendy when I read your first posts there were so many things I could relate to.
I recently took early retirement, was looking forward to being available more of the time for Sparkie, now I am alone in the house all the time. It's hard.
Magdalene, I love the dream that you had. Sparkie looked like Eileen except he had a white tip on his tail. It was so cute..he was so cute.. he was very much loved. I rec'd a card from the vet which was nice but makes me cry every time I read it. In part it says "twas heaven with you". I know he had a good life wit me, just wish it wasn't cut short.
I am trying to be happy, that is probably a better tribute to him than my being sad all the time, but it is so hard.
vicki

My precious Sparkie

wow i didn't realize that would be so big. This will be the only photo I post.

Wendy - I'm so sorry about you sweet adorable Clouseau, what a beautiful little guy! You obviously shared a very deep bond and he loved and loves you very much! Starting a new job is so stressful, so I can only imagine how you must feel.

Vicki - I'm also sorry for the loss of your sweet Sparkie.

It's so hard to lose a pet, especially when your bond is very strong. It has been just about a month for me and it's just a matter of getting through each day and not much more than that. Please be good to yourselves.

Thank you for your kind replies. I still ache so much over Clouseau being gone -- it's been nearly two weeks and this site feels like the only place to express how sad I still am and to have so many people understand and know how I feel. Early on, my friends and family were there for me but now it doesn't seem like there's anyone to go to to talk about it and to say how much I'm still grieving. So I come here.

Magdalene, I'm so sorry for your loss. Eileen sounds very much like my Clouseau and you said exactly how I feel about worrying about Eileen wherever she is. "I was afraid that wherever she was, she would be lonely and sad. She'd have no one to snuggle up to at night. As hard as it was for me to be without her, I was afraid it would be worse for her to be without me." That's how I felt too. Your dream makes me feel better and I hope that Clouseau and Eileen are keeping each other company and playing and snuggling together.

Vicki, that is an adorable picture of Sparkie (and it's not too big - you could post more I am so sorry you are going through this too. Know that I'm thinking of you and would love to hear how you're doing.

Thank you Petunia and Leejaye for your posts.