She's Been Gone 3 Weeks

It's been over 3 weeks since I've had to put Esme to sleep, and I still miss her like crazy. I've come to accept that I'm not blame for what happened, and that I did everything humanly possible for her, maybe more so. Every month I still get a bill from the animal hospital that I took her too, and that does pull at my heart everytime I see it; I just have to keep telling myself I didn't fail her even if I second thoughts sometimes. With all of that said and done, I'm now facing a new trial; I noticed last night that my 13 y male cat had a lump on his back. Unlike Esme's, which was located between her eyes, Brutus' is about 1 cm, kind of squishy, is moveable, and doesn't bother him at all even when I touch it. My heart dropped when I found this and I took him immediately to the vet. An aspirate has been done and sent to be tested, but the vet said that it kind of looked fatty to her and that the lump wasn't branching. She told me to think positive and all that did was make me cry (much to my embarassment); how can I think positive when the wound is still fresh from Esme's loss. Although the signs look positive and I don't have that overwhelming sense of dread like I did when I saw Esme's lump, I just can't take it! Every year for the 5 past years I have had to face a new challenge with devastating consequences: removing life support from my grandma; having my grandpa diagnosed with lung cancer a year later then losing him to said cancer a year later; nearly losing my sister after the birth of my nephew; having Esme diagnosed with lymphoma then losing her 7 months later; have I not been tested enough! I just want to move on and try being happy for once, just once. All I can do is pray that the test comes out fine....God let it be fine I'm not ready to mourn again.

<= Brutus

<= Esme RIP 3/5/13

Had To Put My Cat To Sleep

On Tuesday, I had to put my 7-year-old black cat Esme to sleep. She was diagnosed with diabetes a year and nasal lymphoma in July. She completed her first round of chemo in November, but upon being rescanned two weeks ago, we found that the lymphoma had advanced further into her sinus. All was well until late Sunday night when she began to sneeze blood and the mass above her nose started to swell; by Monday, she was unable to breath through her nose and had virtually stopped eating and drinking. Even though she was struggling, she was still Esme; she would do her funny little meow when touched, and would knead my blanket. The hardest part was the night before we put her done, she jumped on my bed and curled herself up in the crook of my arm (something she had never done before). I absolutely broke my heart listening to her trying to breath, but I didn't have the heart to push her away. She was so brave; even at the vet's office on Tuesday she was walking around rubbing all over us before it was time to put her to sleep. Though I lost both of my grandparents to cancer, this pain feels way more intense; all day today I have cried and screamed in grief. I know I mad the right decision, but deep down I still feel guilty. Will the pain ever go away? I feel like my will to live is gone; I wrapped my life around her and getting her better for 6 months I don't know what to do.