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mpetrauski
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Joined: 12-February 08
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mpetrauski

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14 Feb 2008
So it's the third day since Toby has died and the rip-your-heart-out, panicky, intense pain has turned into that heavy dull ache that sits at the bottom of your heart. Instead of running away from the pain I'm trying to just work through it naturally, just crying or feeling sad when I need to. I know it will take me a very long time to really feel okay but I know I'll get there.

Here's my issue, though, and I can't believe I'm even writing about this 3 days after...

About a week before Toby's passing I had seen a beautiful FeL+ cat listed on petfinder.com. Not only is he FeL+ but from the description it sounds like he also suffers from cerebral hypoplasia. Poor guy has two strikes against him. Eric and I both fell in love with his photo and story and felt like he would be a wonderful addition to the family. Crazy? Most people would think so but we're both big softies. I sent an email requesting some more info but to my surprise no one responded. We opted to forget about it and decided that we would not actively pursue the adoption of any more special needs cats (we already had tried once before and there were just too many things that weren't working). We decided that if we were supposed to have a 3rd cat, the universe would let us know. Then with Toby and all the sorrow that his loss has brought everyone has urged me not to adopt any more sick cats. Just last night Eric and I had a talk and I said, "yeah, I don't know if I can do it again...maybe only if something was presented to me" End of story.

Until I came into work this morning and lo and behold the foster mom of the wobbly FeL+ cat had emailed me, telling me how sweet he is and explaining their application process. I wrote back that due to our loss and grief I wasn't sure and would need some time to think about it. Last night I was pretty sure about not taking on any more cats but now, well, I can't believe it but I'm actually considering the pros and cons.

Part of me feels so guilty in even toying with the idea of adopting a new cat so soon after. I'm in mourning and part of me wants to really wallow in it for a while; it feels like a betrayal to Toby's memory to love another. The other part of me though feels that to forever close my heart and home off to another needy animal is selfish. Toby lived a wonderful life because we welcomed him. Doesn't another animal deserve the same? I mean, there will NEVER be another Toby. He will always have a special place in my heart, a place that no person or animal will ever be able to touch. I also thought the timing of the email was curious. I'm not someone who overly reads into coincidences but when they strike me as odd, I always take a second look.

As painful as it is I feel like like these cats come into my life for a reason and that giving them a family to call their own has become my own little humble role in the universe. Does that sound extraordinarily weird?

I'm curious to see what others think. I am I jumping back into the fire too soon or is continuing on the right thing?

Normally when I quiet my mind my gut speaks to me but on this issue it is silent, for now.
13 Feb 2008
Hi all.

This week my boyfriend and I lost our sweet baby, Toby, to feline leukemia. Out of the blue his disease silently caught up with him. He had been fine up until last week; he seemed very sleepy and was uninterested in his toys. Then by the weekend he was getting worse. He moved around less and less. Monday morning he wouldn't even eat. He cried in pain when I picked him up and when I offered him some of his favorite treats he just looked at me and cried some more. I know in the pit of my stomach that something was very, very wrong. An emergency visit to our vet confirmed it; his spleen was enlarged, his liver wasn't functioning properly, and his white blood cells were a mess. There was no way he would ever get better, or even live comfortably for a while. We loved him so much that we couldn't possibly prolong his suffering. So Eric rushed out of work and together we went to see our baby one more time. Our faces were the last things he saw, our hands stroking him were the last things he felt, our voices professing our love were the last sounds he heard. Even as I write this the tears are starting to stream down my face. Toby was my baby, my little friend. He kept me company on the nights when I was home alone. He would talk my ear off while I prepared dinner. He was the best cat I ever had. I have had, and lost, many cats over the years but I have never bonded with an animal the way I bonded with him. He really did feel like my child. His face was always there to greet me at the door when I came home. He made me laugh with his crazy antics, even if it meant I had to dig "bee mouse" out from underneath the couch a hundred times a night, or that I am left with holes in all the curtains that he tried to climb. He was so attached to me and Eric. Wherever we were, thats where he needed to be. Right in the middle. The apartment feels so much emptier without him. I miss him so much; miss seeing his big amber eyes peeking at me around the bathroom door; miss seeing the flash of his white boots as he tore around the apartment at breakneck speeds. Eric and I had purposely adopted him because of the feline leukemia; we have an older cat that we took in as a stray who ended up being diagnoised with the disease and we wanted her to have a friend. We both knew that with his condition this day would come but we truly felt that we had more time. He was so seemingly healthy. We only had him for seven months, and he was only a little over a year old. He was a beautiful cat with the sweetest, friendliest nature. I can't even really describe how completely broken my heart is. I've been crying for days now and found this site almost by accident but am glad to have discovered it. It's immensely comforting to read everyone's stories and know that there are people what who truly understand how devestating a loss of a pet is. I hope this site can help me work through this terrible loss and that I, in turn, can help others as well.
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