Guilt, Guilt, Guilt....

Hi all, this is my first post.
I lost my cat Nim to CRF a week ago today. He was 20, maybe 21, and I had him for 15 years. I rescued him as a 5 or 6 year old, someone had dumped him in the woods.

Okay, so even though I know I loved him sooooooo much, (I am grieving harder for my boy than I did for my own father), I rescued Nim, gave him the best food, gave him shelter, safety, health care, beds, toys, love---why do I feel guilty??? The last 6 months or more of his life, the CRF really started to catch up with him. He got very thin. He lost control of his first his bowels, then his bladder. I put newspapers all over my house for him to pee and poop on. I fed him his special renal wet food twice a day, warmed with water. We gave him our futon and lined it with blankets and pillows and gave him a heating pad when he seemed chilled. I had a groomer come out to the house few times to clip him when he stopped grooming himself.

I feel guilty because, a few times, I got impatient and said some things I didn't mean. One time, I pushed him away from a salad plate that he found and helped himself to lapping up the vinegar and hot pepper---my god, what would that have done to him in his weakened state??? I felt bad about pushing him. I felt bad about saying "this is getting to be too much" and "my goodness, Nim, when is it your time?" I countered it by apologizing and saying I would miss him when he went. I feel so bad that I got so frustrated and said those things. Nim was a warrior. He didn't want to go. He loved living with us.

My husband and I kept our promise to him, and we released him when he no longer found joy. For his last few hours, I offered him his fave chicken, held him, told how much I loved him and how sorry I was for the times I got impatient with cleaning up his poop and pee. I told him I didn't mean it; mommy was just frustrated and tired. He looked up at me and I saw love. I know he knows I didn't mean it, but I am so pissed at myself for not being more patient. How can I let this go? The guilt is slowly melting away, but sometimes I get hit with it and I start crying.

However, I feel little guilt over putting him to sleep and giving him a painless, peaceful death with mommy and daddy at his side. It was time and I had a promise to keep. For the last few months, as I watched my poor cat get thinner and thinner (even though he ate like a horse), I told him he could go gently in his sleep. but he didn't--I truly believe he wanted me and his daddy with him as he passed. And we were there for him...moments before he slipped away, I had been holding him and kissing his sweet head.

Oh wow, I really, really miss him. I get up in the morning as he's not there demanding me to hurry up and clean up after him and feed him. I never moved fast enough! I miss his demanding voice. I miss seeing the newspapers around my house. It means he is truly gone.

Thank you for listening.