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> Lost Only 'friend', Help! The pain is killing me.
BethAnn
post Apr 3 2019, 02:23 PM
Post #1





Group: Pet Lovers
Posts: 3
Joined: 29-March 19
Member No.: 9,261



I so tried to sort through the posts to find information, but I was just aching all the more reading through everyone else's suffering.

I put my Daisy down on Feb 1st. I am 51 years old, and she was my sole companion for 14 years. I have no idea what to do. This pain is torture. Just writing this, I am ready to get sick. I have PTSD to begin with. Chronic/severe depression. Now, throw in all the grief symptoms. I was finally getting better with my Daisy. Now, everything is different. I simply do not like life without her.

I have a psychiatrist. A counselor. I went to a grieving class. But, all I do is cry. The pain in my chest and throat is just getting unbearable. I have to go out and get things done, but I cry. Big obnoxious sobbing and tears. Sometimes I even just have to grab on to something.


I got a 2 year old cat from the Humane Society, and she is the sweetest little thing. But, that is a completely different relationship and experience.


By Chance, does anyone have any more suggestions for me?


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merlin96
post Apr 3 2019, 03:15 PM
Post #2





Group: Pet Lovers
Posts: 47
Joined: 8-April 09
Member No.: 5,681



Hi BethAnn,

I am so very sorry for your loss of your precious Daisy. I can really relate to your post as I have a very similar relationship with my own dog. I have physical issues that disable me from working and limit my ability to socialize. I spend a great deal of time at home and pretty much all my time with my dog. In the past 12 years I lost two dogs before him. I know how devastating it is to lose your best friend and primary companion. One of the hardest things I think aside from the fact that you have lost your sole companion, is that to the extent you do try to tell other people how you are feeling, most people can't really understand.

I will tell you some things that helped me get through the worse of the gut-wrenching grief, although to a degree, it's something there is really no way around. You have to go through it. I think that pet loss forums do help, and one that was really good for me was rainbowsbridge.com. It's very active and they also have a chat room if you are into that sort of thing. This is also a great forum, obviously, and one I still keep up with even now.

Some other things that helped me were organizing my pictures and putting together a photo album, writing a journal of all my memories while they were still fresh, and getting a cremations pendant to wear a small amount of my dog's ashes in a pendant. I also found that while I am limited as to what I can do socially, it did help to try to find a meetup or some group to get me out of the house. See if you can find something you are interested in -- book club, yoga, whatever -- just to give yourself a bit of a break.

Eventually, I did decide to adopt again and I do think if you are able to open your heart again, it's a great way to honor the memory of a dog that has passed on. There are a lot of dogs that need homes and while I never went into it feeling like I was replacing the dog that was gone, it did help me to move forward.

Again, I'm really sorry about your loss of Daisy. Each day will get a little easier and hopefully eventually the memories of the wonderful years you had with her will bring you less sadness and more joy.

Take care,

Elsiebronwyn
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moon_beam
post Apr 3 2019, 04:40 PM
Post #3


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Posts: 8,088
Joined: 20-July 08
From: Virginia
Member No.: 4,861



Hi, BethAnn, please permit me to add my sincerest sympathies in the physical loss of your beloved Daisy. Losing a companion is never easy regardless of the circumstances or how long we are blessed with the privilege of their company.

Merlin has offered you many wonderful comforting suggestions to help you with your grief journey. I too am a single senior woman with physical challenges including PTSD and know from first hand experience how agonizingly painful the deep grief you are now going through. This grief journey is one of the most painful experiences you will know on this side of eternity. Unfortunately there is no easy way to navigate this grief journey, BethAnn - - the deep grief cannot be reconciled in a minute, an hour, a day, a week, a month - - it is a journey that can only be traveled one day at a time, sometimes one moment at a time. It is a journey that is frequently referred to as a horror roller coaster ride with the many ups and downs twists and turns and turnarounds that can literally make you feel physically ill.

One of the many things you need to remember is that you are not alone. Please let me try to reassure you that what you are feeling is very normal deep grief - - very painful both physically and emotionally, yes - - but is still very normal. The grief journey for the physical loss of a beloved companion is identical to the grief journey for the physical loss of a human loved one. As Merlin so compassionately shared with you sometimes it is the people who are the closest to us geographically, emotionally, and socially that simply do not understand the depths of sorrow in experiencing the physical loss of a beloved companion. This is one of the many reasons why this wonderful forum is here - - as a safe place where you can come to share whatever is in your heart and on your mind without fear of rejection. And having gone through professional counseling several years ago for a traumatic event that permanently changed my life physically and emotionally I know that not every counselor is trained to help someone who is grieving the physical loss of a beloved companion. Sadly there are still professionals in all levels of medical practice who believe that a "cat is just a cat, a dog is just a dog", etc.. Trying to share your grief with people who do not understand can only intensify your grief, so it is best to avoid speaking about your grief to people you know simply do not understand. It is important for you to know you are among friends here who do understand what you are going through, and we are here for you for as long and as often as you need us.

It is comforting to know you have a new precious soul to love and care for. No, it is not the same as your love for your beloved Daisy - - it isn't supposed to be - - because your new precious companion has a heart and spirit and personality of her own to find her own special place in your heart - - and from what you share with us it sounds like she has succeeded. The good news is that the love bond you and your beloved Daisy share is eternal - - it is not restricted by the physical laws of time and space. Your beloved Daisy's sweet Living Spirit is always and forever a part of your heart and memories, BethAnn - - she is always and forever a heartbeat close to you.

I do know so very well from first hand experience that when our hearts are entrenched in deep grief there are no adequate words in any language that can soothe the searing pain of sorrow. Still I hope the words I share with you will be able to offer you some measure of comfort, support, encouragement, and hope as you travel your grief adjustment journey.

Thank you so much for honoring us in sharing your beloved Daisy with us. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, BethAnn, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam


--------------------
In heaven's perfect garden there is no grief or pain, and all of God's creation join the angels' sweet refrain.

The most blessed way I have of knowing God's comforting love and grace is to look into the eyes and heart of God's creatures' sweet angelic face.
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BethAnn
post Apr 5 2019, 11:26 PM
Post #4





Group: Pet Lovers
Posts: 3
Joined: 29-March 19
Member No.: 9,261



Oh geeze, I hope I am typing this where I am supposed to be. I'm a bit confused with the system here.
So, thank you so much for taking time to write to me. Ugh, how my heart aches and your message was really important to me. I haven't heard of the rainbowbridge site, but I will definitely check it out. Thank you for the ideas too. I started working on having photos developed, but putting it all together in a journal is brilliant. I'll have to figure out where to go to that understands that I just start crying though. I should really focus on finding some group/activity.
Thanks again,
Beth


QUOTE (merlin96 @ Apr 3 2019, 01:15 PM) *
Hi BethAnn,

I am so very sorry for your loss of your precious Daisy. I can really relate to your post as I have a very similar relationship with my own dog. I have physical issues that disable me from working and limit my ability to socialize. I spend a great deal of time at home and pretty much all my time with my dog. In the past 12 years I lost two dogs before him. I know how devastating it is to lose your best friend and primary companion. One of the hardest things I think aside from the fact that you have lost your sole companion, is that to the extent you do try to tell other people how you are feeling, most people can't really understand.

I will tell you some things that helped me get through the worse of the gut-wrenching grief, although to a degree, it's something there is really no way around. You have to go through it. I think that pet loss forums do help, and one that was really good for me was rainbowsbridge.com. It's very active and they also have a chat room if you are into that sort of thing. This is also a great forum, obviously, and one I still keep up with even now.

Some other things that helped me were organizing my pictures and putting together a photo album, writing a journal of all my memories while they were still fresh, and getting a cremations pendant to wear a small amount of my dog's ashes in a pendant. I also found that while I am limited as to what I can do socially, it did help to try to find a meetup or some group to get me out of the house. See if you can find something you are interested in -- book club, yoga, whatever -- just to give yourself a bit of a break.

Eventually, I did decide to adopt again and I do think if you are able to open your heart again, it's a great way to honor the memory of a dog that has passed on. There are a lot of dogs that need homes and while I never went into it feeling like I was replacing the dog that was gone, it did help me to move forward.

Again, I'm really sorry about your loss of Daisy. Each day will get a little easier and hopefully eventually the memories of the wonderful years you had with her will bring you less sadness and more joy.

Take care,

Elsiebronwyn

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BethAnn
post Apr 5 2019, 11:44 PM
Post #5





Group: Pet Lovers
Posts: 3
Joined: 29-March 19
Member No.: 9,261



I am so struggling for words right now. You and Merlin have given me tons to think about. Actually, I may have to check back in tomorrow. I am REALLY struggling right now. But, I wanted to make sure to say thank you so much for your sincere and much needed words...and prayers.

QUOTE (moon_beam @ Apr 3 2019, 02:40 PM) *
Hi, BethAnn, please permit me to add my sincerest sympathies in the physical loss of your beloved Daisy. Losing a companion is never easy regardless of the circumstances or how long we are blessed with the privilege of their company.

Merlin has offered you many wonderful comforting suggestions to help you with your grief journey. I too am a single senior woman with physical challenges including PTSD and know from first hand experience how agonizingly painful the deep grief you are now going through. This grief journey is one of the most painful experiences you will know on this side of eternity. Unfortunately there is no easy way to navigate this grief journey, BethAnn - - the deep grief cannot be reconciled in a minute, an hour, a day, a week, a month - - it is a journey that can only be traveled one day at a time, sometimes one moment at a time. It is a journey that is frequently referred to as a horror roller coaster ride with the many ups and downs twists and turns and turnarounds that can literally make you feel physically ill.

One of the many things you need to remember is that you are not alone. Please let me try to reassure you that what you are feeling is very normal deep grief - - very painful both physically and emotionally, yes - - but is still very normal. The grief journey for the physical loss of a beloved companion is identical to the grief journey for the physical loss of a human loved one. As Merlin so compassionately shared with you sometimes it is the people who are the closest to us geographically, emotionally, and socially that simply do not understand the depths of sorrow in experiencing the physical loss of a beloved companion. This is one of the many reasons why this wonderful forum is here - - as a safe place where you can come to share whatever is in your heart and on your mind without fear of rejection. And having gone through professional counseling several years ago for a traumatic event that permanently changed my life physically and emotionally I know that not every counselor is trained to help someone who is grieving the physical loss of a beloved companion. Sadly there are still professionals in all levels of medical practice who believe that a "cat is just a cat, a dog is just a dog", etc.. Trying to share your grief with people who do not understand can only intensify your grief, so it is best to avoid speaking about your grief to people you know simply do not understand. It is important for you to know you are among friends here who do understand what you are going through, and we are here for you for as long and as often as you need us.

It is comforting to know you have a new precious soul to love and care for. No, it is not the same as your love for your beloved Daisy - - it isn't supposed to be - - because your new precious companion has a heart and spirit and personality of her own to find her own special place in your heart - - and from what you share with us it sounds like she has succeeded. The good news is that the love bond you and your beloved Daisy share is eternal - - it is not restricted by the physical laws of time and space. Your beloved Daisy's sweet Living Spirit is always and forever a part of your heart and memories, BethAnn - - she is always and forever a heartbeat close to you.

I do know so very well from first hand experience that when our hearts are entrenched in deep grief there are no adequate words in any language that can soothe the searing pain of sorrow. Still I hope the words I share with you will be able to offer you some measure of comfort, support, encouragement, and hope as you travel your grief adjustment journey.

Thank you so much for honoring us in sharing your beloved Daisy with us. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, BethAnn, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

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moon_beam
post Apr 7 2019, 01:58 PM
Post #6


Forum Moderator


Group: Moderators
Posts: 8,088
Joined: 20-July 08
From: Virginia
Member No.: 4,861



Hi, BethAnn, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. I just want to check in with you to let you know you are in my thoughts and prayers that you are enduring through your grief adjustment journey.

One of the many things we have to deal with is putting on what I call the "public face" to get through the day with other people when all we want to do is crawl underneath the covers and cry - - gut wrenching sobs. I remember so very well while I was working how thankful I was for the privacy of the restroom where I could retreat to compose myself so that I would be able to go back to my desk to resume my work. And then as soon as I got in the car for the drive home the gut wrenching sobs would burst like a broken dam. Even though I had other precious companions with me - - who were also grieving the loss of their fur family member - - there was still an emptiness in the house reminding us that one of us was no longer physically there. It was as if the house itself was also grieving the physical loss of our beloved companion.

So many things still needed to be done - - bills paid, jobs done, meals prepared, groceries purchased, - - yet it all seemed it was happening without my participation - - like an "out of body" experience - - I was doing all these things but my mind was functioning on what I call "automatic pilot." Minutes turned to hours which turned into days, and then weeks. It sometimes felt like the deep grief would never ease up - - that a part of my heart would always feel broken, empty, lost, adrift.

The good news is that eventually the deep grief does ease, BethAnn, and particularly when you least expect it you will find yourself thinking of your beloved Daisy and you will find yourself smiling - - truly smiling - - and all the wonderful treasured memories that had once burdened your heart with deep sadness will now feel like a warm embrace, and you will know that your beloved Daisy is sharing these memories with you at the same time. You may even hear the soft whisper of her voice in your heart say, "thank you so much for being my Forever Mom. I am always with you."

But until this time arrives for you when your tears are not so frequent and your heart is not feeling so empty, please know we are here for you.
I hope today is treating you kindly, BethAnn, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam


--------------------
In heaven's perfect garden there is no grief or pain, and all of God's creation join the angels' sweet refrain.

The most blessed way I have of knowing God's comforting love and grace is to look into the eyes and heart of God's creatures' sweet angelic face.
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