More Guilt About Pepper

When I first told my story about Pepper I was so overwelmed with guilt over things that happened that day that I didn't mention that in the end the vet asked for permission to euthanise her. I have been thinking alot about it now and I think I tried to block it because this is the worst guilt of all. I will start at the end of my story (whole story in my posts). After Pepper lied down on the floor of the vet and had heart failure, her tongue was blue and she was not responding to us, the vet swept her up and took her to the back to give her oxygen. I wasn't in the back. They called my brother and I in shortly later and said they couldn't save her. When we went to the back she was lying on the table not moving and barely breathing and the vet and the assistants asked us for permission to euthanise her. They seemed desperate to get our permission for this. I kept saying are you sure there is nothing that can be done. My brother finally said yes to proceed. I asked him again are you sure, the vet said she was now suffering. She had just been diagnosed with a heart hemicarsicoma and it was 7 cm large the ultrasound specialist had said in his report to consider humane options, but I only saw the report after not before all this. The thing that bothers me is she kind of jerked a couple of times and I don't know if it was before or after they gave the needle as I was so distraught, but now I keep thinking maybe she was only comotose and she would've come out of it. I almost felt like the vet was pressuring us to agree to euthanise her, maybe because he had seen the ultrasound report already. Maybe she could've survived this and been around for a few more weeks. My Mom says the vet does not want to euthanise dogs and would only have said this if there really was no hope. Still I am starting to feel guilt over this now on top of all the other guilt I was feeling. I just keep thinking that she moved, and I keep thinking maybe she was coming out of the coma like state and now I put her to sleep. I know her time was limited, but any extra time would've been special to me as she died so unexpectedly that day.

I Feel Like I Should've Done Something More For My Pepper

I feel so lost and lonely without my pepper poobear. I loved her and I miss her so much. I miss her cuddling on the bed with me, her kiss when I come home it is so hard. She died so suddenly of a Heart Hemagiosarcoma that I didn't even know she had it, I didn't have a chance to accept it and come to terms that she was going to die.
My dog Pepper (border collie/Sheppard mix) died on Monday she was diagnosed on Monday with a heart Hemagiosarcoma. (cancer) She was only 6 ½ years old. She died at the vet. I keep thinking if only I had done this or that I could’ve help her live a little longer. She died at the vet. We were worried about her on Good Friday as we thought she had slipped on the ceramic in the kitchen as I heard some scuffling she was all upset and lethargic when I got to her, I thought she was just a bit sore and maybe scared herself. She knew enough to still do certain things like go outside to pee and she could walk outside, but she was throwing up, had the runs, wasn’t eating and wasn’t quite herself, mostly sleeping. I called the emergency vet they said to keep our eyes on her and take her in if she got worse, I also called our vet's emergency number and they said the same thing. Well after a few days she seemed to bounce back to being herself again and then this last weekend her back legs gave out, at first we thought maybe my brother’s Jack Russell had bumped into her because she was running behind her, but now I think they probably just gave out, anyway she got all upset and just wanted to come in and lie down on the couch. She ended up throwing up a couple of times again and her breathing wasn’t quite normal. She almost sounded like she had a stuffed nose, I thought she must have a cold I even put a vaporizer in the room to see if it would help. Well Monday she had the runs again so my Dad thought we should take her to the vet to be checked out. My brother and I took her for the runs.
The vet was checking her out and he couldn’t hear her heart very clear but thought maybe because she is such a nervous dog it was muffled, however when he checked her gums they seemed to not fill up pink right away and they thought that could be poor circulation and from our description of the last week or so they decided they should do an x-ray. It showed her heart was enlarged and her liver seemed very small, but they couldn’t give us a definite reason for it without doing an ultrasound. The ultrasound specialist happened to be there and they did an ultrasound and found she had a mass over 7 cm large on her heart. This is the part that kills me. The vet brought her back into the consult room and she was up on her feet, although you could see she was tired. She was waiting for my brother and I to take her home. The vet told us it did not look good but he would consult with some specialists and see what options we had. He couldn’t really give a ballpark on how long she had. So we left the consult room and went into the waiting room to pay the bill and get some final instructions and meds for the runs. Pepper went to stand by the door to leave and was waiting for us. She then walked across the floor and lied down, I didn’t think to much of her lying down as she was just through lots of tests and she was waiting for my brother and I, but then she didn’t look like she was breathing properly and I said something is wrong and I felt like everthing was in slow motion. My brother and I ran to to her and tried to get her up to go home and she wasn’t responding so the vet came and looked at her tongue and it had turned blue, they rushed her to the back for oxygen and then told us they were trying to stabilize her and then five minutes later they said for us to hurry because she wasn’t going to make it so we went back there and she was barely alive and of course we hugged her and cried buckets of tears, but we couldn't save her.

I am having trouble dealing with that she walked into the vet and we thought we were going to bring her home. If only I had known I would’ve given her a huge hug after all her tests. But I thought she was coming home. I am feeling so much guilt. I feel guilty that I didn’t give her a big hug while she was still on her feet after the tests, I feel like she maybe she thought I didn’t love her and gave up and that a hug from me may have gave her strength. I worry that they put a muzzle on her when they checked her ears because she nips when you touch her ears and they left it on which I think maybe caused her to have a harder time breathing. I feel like I should’ve been in the ultrashound room with her and I keep seeing her look out at me from the xray table when they opened the door to call the other vet like she was just begging me to get her. I worry the tests were too much for her, if only we didn’t put her through all those tests maybe her heart would’ve been ok a while longer. I am trying not to obsess and to think of the good things and happy times and not blame myself, but it is so hard. I miss her so much.
What she had was fatal, the ultrasound specialist told us to consider humane options for her as there was no cure. When I read about it once detected they have very little time. Only weeks. It just feels so surreal that we took her for help and she died. I never at all considered she was going to die at the vet. It was such a shock.

I know if I didn’t take her to the vet and she died next week at home I would’ve had the opposite guilt and thought I should’ve taken her to the vet. This way I know what was wrong and what she died from but it hurts so bad. I feel like I will never get over this feeling. Has anyone had similar and how did you get over this feeling of guilt. I hate that the last couple of hours of her life were having tests done at the vet and not being smothered with love. It has been a week today and I am still feeling so sad and can't stop thinking about her. I can't stop crying.