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> My Kitten Colin Passed Away Yesterday...depressed And Sad.
almondbutter87
post Jun 20 2018, 10:24 AM
Post #1





Group: Pet Lovers
Posts: 2
Joined: 20-June 18
Member No.: 9,179



I adopted my baby Colin on June 9th. 10 days later he died. Over the couple days prior to his death, I took him to several vets to see what was wrong with him because on Sunday he turned from extremely playful and happy to in pain. He couldn't use the bathroom and would cry out in pain.

On Sunday, I took Colin to a vet that was open Sundays (so hard to find). She was busy and really did brush it off. She said to just make sure his litter was clean because some kittens can't use the bathroom when it's dirty. I told her it was clean, but I went home and cleaned it again anyway and replaced the litter. His symptoms kept going. I called another after-hours vet about 45 minutes away (this was the vet recommended by the adoption agency where I got Colin) and explained his situation. They said the vet would call me back. I got so antsy waiting for the call that I hopped in the car with Colin in his carrier and just drove there anyway. We saw the ER doctor, who just felt around and said he's got a full bladder and went to go try to express the urine. He said Colin wouldn't let him, but he said that he's just a kitten and he's never heard of a kitten being blocked. He told me to go home and if it keeps happening by tomorrow, to bring him back. He didn't do any tests.

On Sunday, Colin did not eat. He was vomiting white/clear liquid. I tried to give him liquids through a syringe (tried some water, some pedialyte, some broth) but he wouldn't take much of it. I felt pretty helpless. I was with Colin the entire night, afraid for him. Making sure he was comfortable. Trying to massage him and keep him purring and feeling loved. I wanted to take him to a pet ER, but the one nearby had scary reviews and I wanted to make sure he was cared for well. I didn't sleep trying to make sure he was okay. All the vets in the area opened around 8 or 9am, so I got dressed and ready at 7am. I called the nearrest vet at 8am and they didn't reply so I just hopped in the car with Collin and went to them. They rejected us, saying that we didn't have an appointment. And they were pretty cold about it. They didn't help us find another place and they didn't wish him well. They were pretty rude.

I left to another animal clinic 10 minutes away. The line was terribly long, but they were the only ones who accepted us and took things seriously. The vet was a young one, and a cat lover. She quickly fell in love with Colin like we did, and promised to run tests and do everything she can to figure out what's wrong with him and take care of him. A few hours later, she told us that his kidneys were in pretty bad shape, and it seems something is blocking him from urinating. She says she's never seen that in a kitten unless it was a congenital problem. She says he's so tiny and she's not sure they have catheters that tiny, but they will try to get his urine out and flush him out because the toxins building are hurting him. She kept asking about our budget, and I told her we will pay anything to make sure everything is done to help him. They called us hours later and said that they got him to pee on his own, and he can go home but he wasn't out of the woods yet.

Monday night he came home. He was sedated at first but woke up a little while later. He seemed so much better. He was drinking and eating. I felt hopeful. But again, at night, he tried to urinate but couldn't. He was sitting on the litter for long periods trying. Poor thing even fell asleep in the litter..it was heartbreaking. We talked to the vet in the morning and let them know he was still experiencing those symptoms. They asked us to bring him back in for tests. As I left Colin, I didn't know it would be the last time I saw him. I wish I could have kissed him goodbye. I simply pet him on the head and I told him I hope they find out what's wrong and hope he feels better. They told me to go home and they would call with updates. I left.

The next call I got from them a couple hours later was that Colin started breathing heavily out of nowhere, followed by shallow breathing and then his breathing stopped. His heart stopped. They were trying to revive him with CPR. I was shaking and crying. I immediately dropped everything (I work from home), and drove to the hospital. When I parked, I got another call saying that the CPR was not successful, and that he passed away. I ran inside wanting to see my baby..he was in a blanket..looking peaceful and gone. I never cried so much.

I think for me what was sad was that I imagined how he would go from little and a ball of energy to a fat lazy cat as he grew older, like what usually happens. I am a long time cat owner, and I had my previous cat from when he was a baby until he died at age 17. He lived a long, full life and he knew he was loved. I hope Colin knew we loved him in the extremely short amount of time we had with him. He seemed to have a blast for the first week. It was just hard to see him struggle, in pain, and week in the last few days. I really wish I could have held him one last time and let him know I loved him.

I also can't help but feel extreme guilt. I'm trying to remind myself that I tried everything I could, but I keep going back to..could I have tried enough or done more? The vet kept assuring us it must have been congenital. The adoption agency we got him from never mentioned this. I contacted them after his death to let them know since his siblings were also adopted/going to be adopted. They said he showed no signs of disease and was the most active playful one of his litter. I just feel really terrible and wish I could have done more to help him survive and have a chance at life.

I have lost a cat before that I had for 17 years. It hurt to lose my best friend. But with Colin, I only had him 10 days but it still hurts just as much. He really did lift my spirits at a time I'm experiencing depression. He was such a joy to have around. Now that he's gone, the depression has come back much, much worse. I feel so tired and don't want to do anything. I miss him. I feel guilty that I was so preoccupied with getting him help that I didn't really hold him on his last day.

Here's Colin a few days ago. He scratched me up and I loved every minute of it. https://imgur.com/a/l44E6y5
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moon_beam
post Jun 20 2018, 12:05 PM
Post #2


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From: Virginia
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Hi, almondbutter, please permit me to offer you my sincerest sympathies in the physical loss of your beloved Colin. Losing a companion is never easy regardless of the circumstances or how long we are blessed with the privilege of their company. Losing a precious soul so very young can intensify the grief.

Almondbutter, as you know from your previous experiences, this grief journey is one of the most painful experiences you will know in this earthly journey. One of the many emotions we all experience is guilt / remorse because it comes from looking back and trying to reconcile all the whys, what ifs, and if onlys that haunt and torture our hearts and minds when we are so emotionally vulnerable. Please let me try to reassure you that it is perfectly clear from what you share with us that you did everything in your human and humane power to give your beloved Colin a happy, healthy life. You did everything in your power to try to get him the medical care that he needed when he needed it. My heart breaks that you received so many flippant reactions to your concerns for your beloved Colin by veterinary practitioners whose first and foremost responsibility is to provide quality, competent, compassionate care for all the animals who are entrusted to their care. From first hand experience with a veterinary practitioner whose attitude was less than desirable I can soooo relate to your frustration and frantic concern for your beloved Colin's welfare. I am sooo very glad that you finally found a practitioner who took your concerns seriously and genuinely tried to help your beloved Colin. I hope in time you will be able to find peace in your heart from what the veterinary practitioner shared with you that your beloved Colin's situation was perhaps hereditary or a medical problem he was born with.

I, too, have moments of depression from a tragic event that happened 33 years ago that changed my life forever physically and emotionally - - PTSD and Survivor's Guilt. Each of my beloved companions were not only my companions but also helped me through the really difficult times and challenges in my life. My sole surviving feline companion Noah joined the angels on November 11, 2017, and because of my senior years and severe medical issues I have now I cannot embrace another precious soul into my heart and home. So I perfectly understand the loneliness you are now feeling, and the incredible emptiness in your heart and life without your beloved Colin. Grieving alone can also make a person feel depressed - - which is a normal part of the grieving process. But when a person already struggles with depression, grieving can intensify the feelings of depression, so it is important that you know you are not alone in your grief journey, almondbutter, and please do what you need to do to provide positive comfort and encouragement as you travel your grief adjustment journey.

If there's any good news in the midst of your deep grief it is the undeniable fact that the love bond you and your beloved Colin share is eternal - - it is not restricted to the physical laws of time and space. Your beloved Colin's sweet Living Spirit is always and forever a part of your heart and memories, almondbutter -- he is always and forever a heartbeat close to you.

I know so very well from firsthand experience that when our hearts are entrenched in deep grief there are no adequate words in any language that can soothe the searing pain of sorrow. Still I hope the words I share with you will offer some measure of comfort, support, encouragement, and hope as you travel your grief adjustment journey.

Thank you so much for sharing with us your beloved Colin, and the precious video of you playing with him. He is so adorable, and he is so very blessed to have you for his Forever Guardian. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, almondbutter, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam


--------------------
In heaven's perfect garden there is no grief or pain, and all of God's creation join the angels' sweet refrain.

The most blessed way I have of knowing God's comforting love and grace is to look into the eyes and heart of God's creatures' sweet angelic face.
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almondbutter87
post Jun 21 2018, 10:37 AM
Post #3





Group: Pet Lovers
Posts: 2
Joined: 20-June 18
Member No.: 9,179



QUOTE (almondbutter87 @ Jun 20 2018, 09:24 AM) *
I adopted my baby Colin on June 9th. 10 days later he died. Over the couple days prior to his death, I took him to several vets to see what was wrong with him because on Sunday he turned from extremely playful and happy to in pain. He couldn't use the bathroom and would cry out in pain.

On Sunday, I took Colin to a vet that was open Sundays (so hard to find). She was busy and really did brush it off. She said to just make sure his litter was clean because some kittens can't use the bathroom when it's dirty. I told her it was clean, but I went home and cleaned it again anyway and replaced the litter. His symptoms kept going. I called another after-hours vet about 45 minutes away (this was the vet recommended by the adoption agency where I got Colin) and explained his situation. They said the vet would call me back. I got so antsy waiting for the call that I hopped in the car with Colin in his carrier and just drove there anyway. We saw the ER doctor, who just felt around and said he's got a full bladder and went to go try to express the urine. He said Colin wouldn't let him, but he said that he's just a kitten and he's never heard of a kitten being blocked. He told me to go home and if it keeps happening by tomorrow, to bring him back. He didn't do any tests.

On Sunday, Colin did not eat. He was vomiting white/clear liquid. I tried to give him liquids through a syringe (tried some water, some pedialyte, some broth) but he wouldn't take much of it. I felt pretty helpless. I was with Colin the entire night, afraid for him. Making sure he was comfortable. Trying to massage him and keep him purring and feeling loved. I wanted to take him to a pet ER, but the one nearby had scary reviews and I wanted to make sure he was cared for well. I didn't sleep trying to make sure he was okay. All the vets in the area opened around 8 or 9am, so I got dressed and ready at 7am. I called the nearrest vet at 8am and they didn't reply so I just hopped in the car with Collin and went to them. They rejected us, saying that we didn't have an appointment. And they were pretty cold about it. They didn't help us find another place and they didn't wish him well. They were pretty rude.

I left to another animal clinic 10 minutes away. The line was terribly long, but they were the only ones who accepted us and took things seriously. The vet was a young one, and a cat lover. She quickly fell in love with Colin like we did, and promised to run tests and do everything she can to figure out what's wrong with him and take care of him. A few hours later, she told us that his kidneys were in pretty bad shape, and it seems something is blocking him from urinating. She says she's never seen that in a kitten unless it was a congenital problem. She says he's so tiny and she's not sure they have catheters that tiny, but they will try to get his urine out and flush him out because the toxins building are hurting him. She kept asking about our budget, and I told her we will pay anything to make sure everything is done to help him. They called us hours later and said that they got him to pee on his own, and he can go home but he wasn't out of the woods yet.

Monday night he came home. He was sedated at first but woke up a little while later. He seemed so much better. He was drinking and eating. I felt hopeful. But again, at night, he tried to urinate but couldn't. He was sitting on the litter for long periods trying. Poor thing even fell asleep in the litter..it was heartbreaking. We talked to the vet in the morning and let them know he was still experiencing those symptoms. They asked us to bring him back in for tests. As I left Colin, I didn't know it would be the last time I saw him. I wish I could have kissed him goodbye. I simply pet him on the head and I told him I hope they find out what's wrong and hope he feels better. They told me to go home and they would call with updates. I left.

The next call I got from them a couple hours later was that Colin started breathing heavily out of nowhere, followed by shallow breathing and then his breathing stopped. His heart stopped. They were trying to revive him with CPR. I was shaking and crying. I immediately dropped everything (I work from home), and drove to the hospital. When I parked, I got another call saying that the CPR was not successful, and that he passed away. I ran inside wanting to see my baby..he was in a blanket..looking peaceful and gone. I never cried so much.

I think for me what was sad was that I imagined how he would go from little and a ball of energy to a fat lazy cat as he grew older, like what usually happens. I am a long time cat owner, and I had my previous cat from when he was a baby until he died at age 17. He lived a long, full life and he knew he was loved. I hope Colin knew we loved him in the extremely short amount of time we had with him. He seemed to have a blast for the first week. It was just hard to see him struggle, in pain, and week in the last few days. I really wish I could have held him one last time and let him know I loved him.

I also can't help but feel extreme guilt. I'm trying to remind myself that I tried everything I could, but I keep going back to..could I have tried enough or done more? The vet kept assuring us it must have been congenital. The adoption agency we got him from never mentioned this. I contacted them after his death to let them know since his siblings were also adopted/going to be adopted. They said he showed no signs of disease and was the most active playful one of his litter. I just feel really terrible and wish I could have done more to help him survive and have a chance at life.

I have lost a cat before that I had for 17 years. It hurt to lose my best friend. But with Colin, I only had him 10 days but it still hurts just as much. He really did lift my spirits at a time I'm experiencing depression. He was such a joy to have around. Now that he's gone, the depression has come back much, much worse. I feel so tired and don't want to do anything. I miss him. I feel guilty that I was so preoccupied with getting him help that I didn't really hold him on his last day.

Here's Colin a few days ago. He scratched me up and I loved every minute of it. https://imgur.com/a/l44E6y5



Thank you for the beautiful words of advice and comfort <3. I'm truly appreciative. I believe my last days with Colin were traumatic and I'm trying to keep thinking of the better days when he wasn't in pain and happy and playing with me.

I think my heart won't find peace if I keep thinking of the bad times and replaying it in my head over and over. I have since called the animal hospital of the veterinarian who let Colin go last Sunday without exams and let them know he died and complained about the vet. It was so difficult to speak and I'm clearly still in grief, but I wanted to speak up somehow for Colin.

I kept waking up at night thinking about when he was in pain and when he died, but I want to try to stop myself because it causes even more pain to do so. I just need to figure out how to stop replaying those images and the sounds of his cat cries and remember his purrs and the images of him running around.

I'm sorry to hear about your loss of your beloved companions, and I thank you for sharing. <3 I hope our pets are somewhere playing freely together.
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moon_beam
post Jun 21 2018, 04:28 PM
Post #4


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From: Virginia
Member No.: 4,861



Hi, almondbutter, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. I can sooo relate to how you're feeling when you share with us that you are experiencing the painful replaying of your beloved Colin's last days and hours of being in pain. Please let me try to reassure you that this is very normal particularly during the deep grief.

Last year was a very horrible year for me health-wise. I was in constant excruciating pain. I literally could not move without screaming and crying in pain. I was barely able to take care of myself and many times seriously considered surrendering my beloved Noah for foster care. The only way I could get his cans of food open was with a knife and keeping his latrines clean was an exercise in incredible pain. This went on for 9 months until a doctor finally was able to diagnose what the illness is that I have. All during this time my beloved Noah's body was being ravaged with cancer - - but not once did he ever let me know that he was not feeling well until the night of November 9, 2017, when he could no longer disguise that there was something horribly wrong with him. I am thankful that by this time I was able to drive again which allowed me to take him to the emergency ER where - - fortunately - - he received competent medical care leading to the diagnosis of invasive abdominal cancer. My heart still breaks when I think of how he must have been suffering all the time I was in excruciating pain but did not show it until he saw that I was getting better - - and by then it was too late for him. Even 7 months now in my grief journey I still find my thoughts going back to that horrible night of November 9, 2017, when he became so critically ill, the admitting ER vet telling me she was surprised he was still alive from his vital signs, how weak he was when I visited with him on November 10, and the early morning hours call from the surgeon who told me there was nothing she could do for him except ease him from this physical realm - - and kept him comfortable under anesthesia until I arrived so that I could be with him when she gave him the medications that would end his suffering - - and take his precious physical presence from me.

So I do understand how you're feeling, almondbutter. The deep grief does eventually ease, and I wish to reassure you that eventually you will be able to think of your beloved Colin and remember the happy times, and you will be able to focus more on these memories. But sadly your memories also include the frustration and deep sadness that your sweet baby boy suffered during the last days / hours of his earthly journey - - including because several veterinary professionals would not take his symptoms seriously. I am sooooo proud of you for calling the veterinary practice who denied him care to tell them what happened, and I know your beloved Colin is proud you, too.

There is one more thing you might want to consider doing and that is contacting your State's veterinary licensing association and placing a formal complaint against the practice that refused care for your beloved Colin. The association may do an investigation into your complaint which may, or may not, lead to a fine against the veterinary practice. But whatever happens at least you have spoken up on behalf of your beloved Colin - - and perhaps will remind the veterinary practice of the oath they took as veterinary medical professionals. I just mention this as something you might want to consider doing.

I firmly believe our beloved companions are together with the angels perfectly healed and happy while they wait for our appropriate time to join them in eternal joy.

Unfortunately the only way to navigate this grief adjustment journey is one day at a time, sometimes one moment at a time - - with the reassurance you are not alone, almondbutter. Please know we are here for you for as long and as often as you need us.

I hope today is treating you kindly, almondbutter, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Colin's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam


--------------------
In heaven's perfect garden there is no grief or pain, and all of God's creation join the angels' sweet refrain.

The most blessed way I have of knowing God's comforting love and grace is to look into the eyes and heart of God's creatures' sweet angelic face.
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