Butters

Hello, everyone. I am so thankful that I found a group of people who can understand my grief, although it saddens me to know that we are all heartbroken. My big boy, Butters, died just 2 days ago, and I am miserable.

Butters was born in the closet of my current house, along with 4 other kittens, 8 years ago. We knew right away that he was our special boy. We ended up keeping 3 from the litter and giving away 2. Butters brother, Token, passed away just before he was a year old. Butters and his sister PJ were best friends and used to hug and kiss each other all the time.

Butters was so special. He was a big yellow/orange cat with white paws. He was the most friendly and loving cat I have ever known. He greeted every guest and always wanted to be around people. He loved playing in the yard, and he always came to me when I whistled for him. He spent his first few years happy and playful.

When we got a dog, both the cats hated him at first, but after about a month, Butters and Dublin were snuggle buddies. When Butters was about 4, both he and my dog experienced acute kidney failure. My husband and I are certain it was from our landlord having our house sprayed for roaches by an unlicensed person who did not use safe chemicals. The vets did not expect either to survive, but they both recovered after a few days of hospitalization an medications. However, the damage was done, and Butters now had scarred kidneys that would progress to CRF.

I read as much as I could about the disease, and I knew what to look for. I also knew that Butters would someday die from his illness. For years he seemed to be doing well besides drinking copious amounts of water and peeing just as much. Then, gradually, he changed. First, he started acting aggressively toward the other cats and the dog. He was never mean to a human his entire life. Then, he started crying loudly at night. He started losing weight. Not a ton, but he was down to 18 lbs. from 22. Then, he started crying out just before and after using the litter box, and he started pooping around the house. From January to June of this year, he had been to the vet 5 times. Each time all of his kidney levels were up a little more.

The last few weeks, he slept most of the time. He sought out affection, but could only tolerate it for a few minutes. He moved very slowly, though he was still eating his wet food. He spent a lot of time staring at his water bowl and taking just a few sips. He also stopped going to the bathroom. I had been thinking a lot about euthanasia, as I knew his quality of life was just going to continue to decline. I spent some time looking at old photos and videos of him, and the difference became obvious. He was so sick. And depressed. Deciding to end his suffering was the single hardest decision I have ever made in my life, but I had to do it. My husband and I held and pet him as the vet gave him a sedative. Within minutes, he was so sedated that it seemed to me like he was already gone. The vet came in and gave him the final injection, and seconds later, his heart stopped.

The last few days I have experienced all of the stages of grief, seemingly simultaneously. I have tremendous guilt, even though I know rationally that I ended his suffering out of love. At times I know I did the right thing. Other times, I feel like a murderer. I have been playing the "what if?" game. What if I had tried Sub Q treatment? What if we had never moved to that awful house and our pets were not exposed to poison? I also have been thinking totally crazy thoughts like maybe if I imagine hard enough, he will pop back into existence. Or, maybe I will wake up and this will have been a terrible dream. A lot of times I wish I could take it back and Butters would be here with me again, but I know that I made this decision for him, not me. I have been spending a lot of time cuddling with his sister, PJ, and his adopted sister, Ozma. Even though they both had been pretty scared of Butters over the last year, they seem to be looking for him every night. I even got upset with my husband for washing our comforter because that is where Butters always slept, and I wanted to keep his hair on the bed!

I miss him so much! He loved me like no one else ever could. And I will always love him. Thank you for reading his story.