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> Tears Soaked My Pillow, Crying All Night
Ann H
post Apr 30 2005, 07:44 AM
Post #1





Group: Pet Lovers
Posts: 1,165
Joined: 31-October 04
Member No.: 538



Just when I think I am doing so well terrible waves of sadness have overtaken me. I have been awake crying most of the night from missing my girls. It hasn't been this bad for me in a while now. The night has been so long and lonely and some kind of empty feeling has washed over me and has ripped the scars off my heart again.

Ok if I want to be truthful I looked at all the pictures of my little Snookie while she was so sick and dying and some of her after she had passed away. I don't know why I do that to myself it just causes me more pain. I have been strong and stayed away from them since my one post confessing what I was doing.

I just feel so empty, broken, so lost, and in so much pain today. All of the wonderful memories have been going through my mind. It seems to hurt my heart even more when I think of the blessing I have had and all I have lost. I feel so weak in my spirit, my heart screams I can't go on, the pain is to bad. Yet I know for the family I have to go on but I am so weary.

I held my Snookie's urn and hugged and kissed it, and today I may go fling myself on Chili Bean's grave. I have tried so hard to let joy come back into my life but today it seems to have escaped me. My heart and soul and tears have given way to the pain and sorrow of missing my wonderful darling girls.
Ann
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--------------------

My girls went to the Rainbow Bridge 6 weeks and 3 days apart.
Snookie had cushing's disease, and later developed diabetes. Both had cancer, Snookie had cancer of the liver, and Chili Bean had cancer of the pallet. Chili Bean was our son's chihuahua but we kept her often throughout her life and she stayed with us for the last 9 months of her life. Chili Bean also had asthma and heart failure. We will see you in Heaven my precious darlings.


Snookie Lynn Howard
2-04-94 - 12-26-04


Senorita Chili Bean Bubbles Howard
11-05-94 - 11-11-04
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FurBabyMom
post Apr 30 2005, 07:58 AM
Post #2





Group: Pet Lovers
Posts: 48
Joined: 21-April 05
Member No.: 837



Ann,
I'm so sorry that the sadness has snuck up on you again. I wish I could make it better for you. I understand what you are feeling. This has been a hard year for me and my animals. Friskie died last summer after being with us for 16 years. Then my 4 month old kitten Dorian was killed. We only had her for two weeks and she still haunts my memory after 7 months. Now my Gandalf is missing......

You are so lucky to have so many wonderful memories of your girls. The picture may be painful now but you have them and can look at them and remember the good times.

I hope you feel better soon.

Hugs,
Dawn


--------------------
Hugs,
Dawn

Furbabies waiting for me at Rainbow Bridge.....

Tigger - 2008 - "My Tig Wee"
Merlin - 2006 - "Goofy Boy"
Gandalf - 2005 - "Little Buddy"
Dorian - 2004 - "Daddy's Baby Girl Kitty"
Friskie - 2004 - "Good Kitty Boy"
Spike - 2001 - "Piggy Puppy"
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Wanda
post Apr 30 2005, 08:00 AM
Post #3





Group: Pet Lovers
Posts: 111
Joined: 5-August 04
From: PA
Member No.: 423



Oh,Ann, I am so sorry that you have went backwards. Perhaps you should really get rid of the pictures of Snookie dying and after. That is what I would do. You should only be looking at pictures of Snookie happy and healthy. I have my days when I feel empty from the loss of my furkitty, Fuzzball and LittleOne, and our dog, DJ. Even though I have a new furkitty, Chinook, I have days of missing the others but that is natural.
I hope you get to feeling better soon. My heart goes out to you. wub.gif


Wanda
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Kathleen032
post Apr 30 2005, 08:12 AM
Post #4





Group: Pet Lovers
Posts: 827
Joined: 30-October 04
From: New Mexico
Member No.: 536



Dear Ann,

I was thinking back to where I was emotionally on Shiloh's 4 month anniversary, and I was still crying a lot, and, something that I've not really confessed to anyone, I was feeling guilty that somehow I'd caused Shiloh's lymphoma (maybe it was a household cleaner I was using, maybe the food I fed her, etc.). Shiloh's been gone for almost 8 months and I still have days when I cry and feel guilty, but not as much as I used to. Something that helped me let go of most of the guilt and saddness was a "letting go" ceremony. It was a ceremony I found on a website while doing research on lymphoma. I had candles, a little clump of Shiloh's fur, a piece of her favorite toy, some pictures of her, and a beautiful flower. I went through the ceremony and then buried all of the things I mentioned except the candle...that was lite through the entire ceremony and then allowed to burn out. I remember sobbing as I went through the ceremony, but it really did help. I had the ceremony on February 8th, and on February 7th I was having reservations about doing the ceremony and had pretty much talked myself out of it, but that night was the night that I had my visitation dream from Shiloh. I took that dream as a sign that I needed to procede with my ceremony and let her go.

I highly recommend doing something like this. What you might want to add in your ceremony is a burning of those pictures that bring you so much pain, or if you don't want to burn them, maybe you could seal them in an envelope and ask Clair to put them away so that you can stop looking at them.

If you'd like me to post the ceremony I used, I'd be happy to.

I'm sorry you're feeling so much pain.
Love,
Kathleen


--------------------
Shiloh and Hobbie, you're both gone from my arms, but forever in my heart.

Shiloh
1999 - Sept. 17, 2004

Hobbie
Aug. 14, 1996 - May 30, 2005
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jzzlvr13
post Apr 30 2005, 11:42 AM
Post #5





Group: Pet Lovers
Posts: 14
Joined: 19-April 05
From: CT
Member No.: 833



Hi Anne,
I was just going to post a similar message when I saw your. We lost our Sam in January and for the most part the last few weeks have been OK. Yesterday, however, I started in a funk and just could not get him out of my mind all day. I was teary during the entire day and I'm not the teary kind of gal. It is so hard to lose one, I can't imagine what you have been going through losing two in such a short period of time. From your posts it looks like you've got a number of pets at home which I'm sure helps. My problem is that for 28 years we've had at least one dog in the house. Now, without any, the emptiness is very hard to endure. I need a dog in the house and am working on my husband now. He had to take him over to the vet and is not quite ready for another dog, but I think he will be soon. When you are a dog lover it's hard not to have one to focus on and there is a big hole in your heart that is always there. I am like another post I read this morning. After the year long struggle with kidney disease and then the loss of Sam,I am paranoid about having to go through it again. If and when we get another pup the first thing I'm going to do is have bloodwork done and have it done after that every three months. It's not going to blindside me again!
I hope today is better for you....I am doing OK. I know it will probably hit again, but hopefully less frequently and with less impact.
Have a good day and love your other furballs!
Barbara and Sam 1/10/05
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Ann H
post Apr 30 2005, 01:05 PM
Post #6





Group: Pet Lovers
Posts: 1,165
Joined: 31-October 04
Member No.: 538



Thank you Dawn, Wanda, Kathleen, and Barbara and Sam. I have never been one to cry very much either until I lost my babies. Oh I just could never burn or throw the sad pictures of Snookie away. I think I would lose my mind if I ever did that, they are a part of my life with her. I just couldn't part with them now, maybe never, somehow it is so important to me to keep them. I feel like her life and death would mean so little if I got rid of them.

Kathleen I do like the idea of having Clair put them away for me. Maybe I could give another set to my sister so in case something happened to either set I would still have them. I did put Snookie's sweaters, hair and toys away and have not brought them out. Well ok I have one sweater that I left out but the smell of Snookie is almost gone from it. I think I will put it away soon. I do not think I am ready for the letting go ceremony yet though.

Even my children said to keep them because it shows the love we had taking care of her and all she meant to us. I have more on film and I think they might be of both the well ones of her and the sick ones. I am too afraid to take them in yet to be developed yet since I don't know what I would see.

Yes Barbara I do have more pets, I have a 8 month old miniature schnauzer puppy my sister bought for me just before Snookie died. She said I would not make it without another furbaby in the house. I was mad that she forced her upon me but now I love her with all my heart. I named her Schnitzel Ann.

Then my daughter was so overrun with pets she gave us her toy poodle Gypsy Rose. Because she had huge part lab dogs that picked on her and got to rough with her. Plus she gave of 2 of her kitties, Amber and Cinny. I call him Cin Song and tell him he is my beautiful song. He sleeps in bed with me at night.

Our daughter was not able to keep up on the flea meds and all the medical bills, food and things like that. Those precious babies and my Schnitzel are the only things that have kept me going. I love them so much but I miss my girls.

The crying has let up this afternoon and now the tears are only coming now and then. Maybe it will quickly pass and I will be alright for a while. Thank you all so much.
Love, Ann


--------------------

My girls went to the Rainbow Bridge 6 weeks and 3 days apart.
Snookie had cushing's disease, and later developed diabetes. Both had cancer, Snookie had cancer of the liver, and Chili Bean had cancer of the pallet. Chili Bean was our son's chihuahua but we kept her often throughout her life and she stayed with us for the last 9 months of her life. Chili Bean also had asthma and heart failure. We will see you in Heaven my precious darlings.


Snookie Lynn Howard
2-04-94 - 12-26-04


Senorita Chili Bean Bubbles Howard
11-05-94 - 11-11-04
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jzzlvr13
post Apr 30 2005, 01:18 PM
Post #7





Group: Pet Lovers
Posts: 14
Joined: 19-April 05
From: CT
Member No.: 833



Hi again Anne,
I have to admit, I sleep with one of Sam's coat every night. It even travels with us. It still smells of him. Those things give us comfort, but losing two has dealt you a double whammy that few of us have had to undergo. One is surely hard enough! We'll get through it...we should learn from our pups...they live, they die,and the never make a fuss.
Take care,
Barbara and Sam
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luv_my_catz
post Apr 30 2005, 02:44 PM
Post #8





Group: Pet Lovers
Posts: 256
Joined: 31-March 05
From: Upstate NY
Member No.: 789



Ann,

I am so sorry you are having a sad time ~ you have helped so many people here including myself with your selfless sharing and compassion. I am so new here ~ yet since I lost my Amber on 3/28 I have felt such healing from everyone ~ I only wish all of that for you ~ Peace Be With You.

Sincerely,
Kathryn


--------------------
Peace Be With You ~ Kathryn ~ Angel Amber ~ Angel CC~ and Sammie

I lost my Amber Tabby Girl of nearly 20 years on 3/28/05 after a valiant battle with end stage CRF. Always a beacon in the storm ~ steady and true.

C.C was my purebred White Angora I lost to cancer on 10/22/05 at age 13~ A Big Gentle yet Oddly Eccentric Creature ~Through his congenital deaf ness ~He brought an innocent joy to my life and light to my heart

I also adopted an 8 yr old Burmese named Samantha who led me back into my own room ~ still a stranger to me ~ she sweetly gives peace to Amber's final days spent there and lights my way to see in the darkness of the spaces that my precious CC has left behind.
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Romeo's_daddy
post Apr 30 2005, 05:49 PM
Post #9





Group: Pet Lovers
Posts: 108
Joined: 1-December 04
Member No.: 589



[QUOTE](Ok if I want to be truthful I looked at all the pictures of my little Snookie while she was so sick and dying and some of her after she had passed away)
Ann, I hate to have to say this because I know you are a kind person, but what kind of nutcase takes pictures of their dead animal?!?!? The way to find joy in Snookie's memory is to remember her healthy and alive, not by perusing morbid pictures of her after she died. I can understand you taking pictures of her as she was declining in health because you knew you were losing her, but I'm sorry, there is something definitely wrong with pictures of your dog after she died and then looking at them later as if that is a memory worth living again. At least throw out the pictures of her after she died, that is not the way you want to remember her. I see Romeo dead in my head and it is a vision that will NEVER leave me. I wish it was something that I was never exposed to but I was, and I know the images will stay with me forever. You don't need those pictures to remind you of Snookie's death or how she looked. She died in your arms as you have said and if you are as caring as I believe you to be, your conscience will never let you forget that. Give yourself a break, get rid of those pictures and try to only look at the ones you have posted here. Snookie in her sweater, Snookie mad at you after her haircut, things like that. Those are the memories worth reminiscing, those are the memories Snookie would want you to remember her by. I am sorry to be so harsh but I have little tolerence for people who engage in self destructive behavior and then seek pity for it. I am giving you "a kick in the ass" because sometimes that is what is needed for people to see their self destructive ways. Perhaps you will hate me for writing this, but believe it or not I am doing this to try to help you.
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Kristie
post Apr 30 2005, 06:08 PM
Post #10





Group: Pet Lovers
Posts: 143
Joined: 27-October 04
From: Ontario, Canada
Member No.: 530



Ann,

I'm so sorry to hear that you are feeling so sad again.

I fully understand your need to keep looking at the pictures of Snookie when she was so sick and after she had died but I really don't think that in doing so you allowing yourself to heal. I look at pictures of Kasha all the time and I can see the sickness in her in pictures taken over the last few years but beyond that I just see my beautiful girl. I don't have any pictures of her after she died (I didn't even want to look at her dead body when we left the vet). I know that if I had taken some photos I would have looked at them often and would have been focusing on her death...not her life. Don't torture yourself with sweet Snookie's death Ann, try to remember her alive, even if it hurts.

I don't think of Kash as being dead. Her body is dead and no longer of use to her but she is still 'alive' in my heart. I do visit her grave often but when I'm standing there looking at the displaced dirt I can imagine her beautiful body down there, heart no longer beating, but it doesn't make me sad. Kasha's actual death represents to me the moment that she was set free. Free of pain and illness and the hardships that come with old age. It was like a re-birth for her....truth be told, as much as I miss her and as much as it hurts to not have her in my life anymore, I'm happy for her. Young, healthy, and free....waiting at rainbow's bridge for me. It brings me peace.

I hope you can find some peace soon Dear Ann,

Big hugs,
Kristie

(In the following post I address Romeo's daddy...I did not intend to speak for you and I'm sorry if you are offended in any way by my reply Ann but I felt I needed to say something, not only in your defense but in general.)
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Kristie
post Apr 30 2005, 06:20 PM
Post #11





Group: Pet Lovers
Posts: 143
Joined: 27-October 04
From: Ontario, Canada
Member No.: 530



Romeo's Daddy,

I don't begrudge you your opinion...you are quite entitled to it but don't you think you came off a bit harsh? "Nutcase" is the kind of name people call you when they DON'T understand how hard it is to loose a beloved pet. People come here, in my opinion, to find compassion and support from other people. Ann has enough people giving her a "kick in the @ss" in her life...did you not read her posts about a family member that told her to "get over it" days after she lost Snookie?

I'm not one to throw my opinion around and I certainly don't want to start an arugment with anyone here but please think about how much your words might hurt someone before you post them.

Kristie
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Geraldine
post May 1 2005, 07:59 PM
Post #12





Group: Pet Lovers
Posts: 8
Joined: 1-May 05
Member No.: 859



Dear Ann,

My deepest, deepest condolences for you and your dear girls. I know exactly how you feel.

Geraldine
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Dawn
post May 1 2005, 08:10 PM
Post #13





Group: Pet Lovers
Posts: 15
Joined: 24-April 05
Member No.: 842



Dear Ann,
I can understand your pain. I have had alot of ups and downs with all the loss of my pets. I posted regarding my most recent loss sandy just a week ago, but it seems an eternity. I sat at the kitchen table the other nite and just sobbed at the quiet in my house, becasuse sandy was such a vocal and loud dog, it filled the whole house. The silence is so painful. I think of her in the good years, and then my mind flashes to the horrible bed sores that filled her body, patches where her hair would never grow back, places i couldnt pet her, but the life in her eyes is what killed me to make the decison to put her to sleep. I know she was in pain to some extent, but she couldnt talk, and her bad days were so bad, but her good were so wonderful. I wish i could have given her more good days. When she would get really sick the sores on her were bad from not being mobile, and i would shampoo carpets endlessly where she layed. She had her own down comforter in my closet, her favorite place, but i didnt discourage her from hopping on my bed, so i would wash linen constantly. I did this for six years on and off threw her illness. Every time i would think she was so bad it was over, she would get better, and it would seem like she was going to be alright, but the time always came where she became sick again. I think i did more for her than some people are willing to do for sick humans, and it doesnt seem fair that i ultimately had to make the decision that enough was enough, and i couldnt let her hit that really bad point again. I think looking at the good and bad is ok, and it helps in the process. take care and know that you are not alone in your grieving. We all get threw this in different ways, and i hope you find comfort in whatever you feel necessary to do to get threw this.
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LS Support
post May 2 2005, 10:57 AM
Post #14


Forum Administrator


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From: Midwest USA
Member No.: 1



ok, now that ive read the post that has people charged up....

it does offer constructive criticism, albeit in a blunt manner, and brings in personal opinions that can be construed as being hurtful. if the word "nutcase" were removed (although it does not say "you are a....") and the portion about tolerance for those with self destructive behavior (an opinion that offers no real support), the post probably wouldnt have received the backlash that it did. i could be wrong, but if you re-read the post without those bits it does offer support.

whenever one of us tries to "fix" another's position, here or anywhere else in life, we often take offense. it is human nature to not want to hear what others believe is the truth...because we have our own vision of what the truth is. the ability to hear what others have to say, even if different from our own beliefs, is paramount to the continued success of this forum.


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Ladypurr
post May 5 2005, 02:34 PM
Post #15





Group: Pet Lovers
Posts: 36
Joined: 8-April 05
Member No.: 813



Dear Ann,

the pictures you've posted of your precious little girls are so cute!! We can only imagine how much you loved them (and still do!).

Please know that they are in the most perfect place now--free of pain and so well cared for. They are with God now.

These dear souls who have loved us so deeply and unconditionally, that have brought joy and fun and adventure to our lives like nothing else has, will be there for us again one day.

Only time and your slowly healing broken heart will permit you to focus on the wonderful memories. Losing these babies is like losing one of our limbs. The hurt is indescribable and all we want to do at times is go into a dark room and shut everything out.

Ann, hold fast to the truth that one day your heart won't be aching so and you will be able to remember all the lovely times you spent with Snookie and Chili Bean. It has been 31 years since I said "goodbye" to the most wonderful dog I've ever known, my German Shepherd, Shep. He lived more than 13 years (a long time for a Shepherd). One day everything just stopped working. He lost control of his bowels and his ability to get up. He looked at me with such pleading eyes that I felt my heart screaming, "Oh God, I must let you go." He was such a beautiful, dignified dog. I couldn't bear to make him live another day in such a pathetic state.

That evening at the vet's office, our whole family was there to bid our farewells. Me, my Mom and my sisters were going to see a wonderful horse spectacle that evening at Hershey Park. I remember how beautiful those horses were but the entire performance was clouded in a huge veil of tears. We all sat in our seats practically sobbing the whole time. I'm sure people in the audience could not understand.

Now when I think of Shep I think of a dog that was more like a brother than a four-legged creature with fur. We did everything with Shep. My sisters played dolls with him. He'd pull our sleighs in the winter and race after my sisters pulling us and we'd laugh so hard we'd practically pee ourselves. He was a protector and a clown extraordinairre. He'd pile in the car with us and the neighborhood kids and my Dad would drive us all to the local ice cream store. People would laugh and point, "Look, that dog has his OWN dish of ice cream!" Yep, Shep got his own dish of vanilla ice cream and then he'd patiently watch each of us as we ate our's, hoping that his look of extreme longing would motivate us to save a few licks for him. He always got more than his share, I can assure you!

Oh, I will tell you, Ann, my precious Shep will be waiting for me at the Rainbow Bridge one day. He'll come bounding to me and the joy I'll experience in seeing him again will be beyond my wildest expectations!

You will be with Snookie and Chili Bean again. Hold tight. We're here for you!

With love and sympathy (((and purrs, woofs, whinneys, etc.!),

--Susan
~ a voice for the voiceless ~
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