Vet Said It Would Be Ok - I Couldn't, Though Options

[jillster]

I am so sorry for your loss. I am new to the forum and I am going thru a very similar thing. My baby, Sierra, has kidney disease. It has progressed in the last month. I dont' know how much time she has left, but I am trying to make everyday count.

She got dehydrated last week and spent 24 hours at the vet getting IV fluids - how horrible did I feel. This weekend she slept a lot.

Last night she perked up and seems like her old self. She is supposed to be on a low protein diet, but that is a real struggle. I have home cooked her meals for the last 4 years and to try to get her to eat cardboard in a can does not work.

Like you, I feel extremely helpless.

I have lost many pets before and it really does not get an easier. Actually, I feel it gets harder b/c the current dying/death reminds you of those in the past. Just hold on to the happy memories and know you will see your baby again!

[1991Baby]

Well, I'm starting to get back out and do normal things with friends without sobbing as I mourn the loss of Kahlua. I figured I was ready to move on and then I come back in from a fun time out with friends and walking in the door realize I don't have her to greet me, or find her sleeping some place comfy in the house. It's like that emptiness I was feeling in the first few days of her loss has come rushing back. It's really a bit overwhelming seeing as how it's been ten days already. I guess I'm still hanging on to her so closely, gosh I really miss her. I miss her a whole lot.

Anyway, life just seems so much emptier without her around. There's a hole in my heart a mile wide. Just realizing that it's all as real and as final as they say is distressing. I know I'll get through this as time goes on. And I know there'll be other moments that become solemn to me as I grieve. I know I'll share happy times with other furry friends. But none will be Kahlua. She will be the funnest, classiest, most especially important and dear to me. I know it will just be that way. And so I continue to mourn her dearly. The stages of grief never seem to move as quickly as I say I want them to.

[goliath]

The stages of grief never seem to move as quickly as I say I want them to.

It's great to hear that you at least got out with friends and had a good time. Over time the rollercoaster of emotions loses more of it's up and downs. Missing Kahlua is something you will do for the rest of your life..............but your deep pain and grief will ease up gradually.

Having the loving people here on LS to turn to for support helps us all get through the struggles of healing. Stages of grief are different for each individual as well. There is no timeline. Most of the time I can remember my Goliath with thanks and joy. Sometimes I break down all over again. We all are blessed in that we were lucky enough to have experienced such a wonderful relationship with our furbabies.

Take care

[Furkidlets' Mom]

[I'm coming into the rest of your thread rather late here and even seemed to have missed seeing some of the more recent replies as I logged in and started typing, so please forgive my responding to only your message as of May 18 or so, but now I can't see the previous page so will have to let my reply stand as is - sorry about this!]

I'm so, so sorry to hear the sad news about your dearest Kahlua, and the panic and guilty feelings you felt about your choices, in hindsight. But it's only hindsight that we're left with, most unfortunately for all of us. And from there, we begin the long, hard struggle with our natural grief and second-guessings. It can hardly ever be helped and I'm so sorry not everything went as perfectly as you (and we) had hoped for. Sadly, it seldom ever does.

I know you're probably in total anguish now, and I'm sorry I missed the rest of this thread earlier (no email notification of same for some reason, plus away for 2 wks.), but please try not to beat yourself up for having waited as long as you did. The way I see it, sometimes there is no real way to know it's really time until things get to that point, or they do finally (and quite often suddenly) show signs of distress. For all you or anyone knows, there was no real distress for Kahlua until that moment, and maybe not really even then (read on).

I often look at at this way:
Many people have pain, too, right near their last stage, and very often I've heard of pain remediation not having been adequate for them, either, but it's not as if we even have the choice (yet?) to more swiftly end their suffering in any case. It's also rarer than not to hear of a close to perfect passing, for either us or our furbabies. So we do the best we can, at any given moment, for any situation, even these critical ones.

As well, according to pretty much every animal communicator I've ever spoken to (or read about on their websites), the animals tell them that when and if the pain gets too much for them, despite outward appearances to us, their consciousness actually leaves their bodies as needs be, and they later report that they weren't in as much, if any, distress as we think they were. I've always found it hard to believe that if this weren't really the case, there wouldn't be that many ACers who were surprised to hear about this from the animals themselves, over and over again. The animals were the ones who convinced them it must be true, and so I choose to believe it as well.

I also found comfort myself in the findings of Dr. Elizabeth Severino (with degrees up to her eyeballs in various things), who was told by the thousands of animals she ended up learning so much from, that their souls actually have an easier time transitioning the farther along into their final stages that they are, rather than when they aren't quite as ready to go on to their spiritual home/lives, and most especially if they were 'euthanized' when still young and healthy. She related how the animals also told her that they could send after-death messages/visitations to their loved ones the easiest and sooner, when they either died a natural death, or when they'd been in what they called Stage Three of dying. I read this AFTER my boy, Sabin, had passed and had started visiting me and his sister so clearly w/i a day or two afterwards, so that seemed to verify this information to me, since he had gone all on his own.....and DID have some pain, too.....but again, as verified through more than one ACer (spaced out over some time, too), that he'd been leaving his body when he'd needed to, all throughout his dying process....so even for a couple of weeks or so beforehand. He said more than once, when the guilt was killing me, that "there IS nothing to forgive." He meant, of course, that I'd done nothing wrong in his eyes, despite being so ignorant of certain things and lacking in both better help and proper information at the time.

They KNOW we were coming from our deep, deep love for them and were making the best possible choices we could muster at the time. They KNOW how we agonized over every decision (if we did), as YOU most certainly did!!! And we must also remember that were the shoe on the other foot, WE'D forgive THEM in an instant if THEY were feeling guilty about their own choices. And we'd be seeking to alleviate those feelings in them, because we love them, period. The love goes both ways, as it always did and always will. Don't forget, they love us despite our imperfections, just as we do them, and if we're really honest, many of our babies weren't really totally perfect, either, but we CHOSE to see them that way.....same as they choose to see us. The love makes this all possible and real love never dies, but just keeps growing.

You have nothing to be guilty ABOUT, even if you have to feel that way for a time. You made the effort to do your best, and that you did. You didn't fail Kahlua. You allowed her every bit of time she had to spend here with you.......is that not a gift in its own way, too?

[1991Baby]

I picked up Kahlua's ashes last Thursday, a week after she passed. They actually had called me the day after she left me and told me they were ready but it took this long to get up the courage to go and get them. I guess when I first heard it would be 7 business days my mind prepared for that, but no sooner. Then when I got there they opened up a cabinet door and picked her out of a stash of many. At that moment I felt like she had been so disrespected to be left like there all this time, and regretted not picking her up the next day.

I rode my bicycle for this trip, along much of a trail I'd ride, rollerblade and walk her on. I put her tin in my backpack and as I began to ride I felt a sudden rush of warmth come from where it was touching me. When I picked up the tin it was cool to the touch, and I was riding into the sun so the backpack was not getting direct sunlit, yet this warmth embraced me. I know, or want to believe it was Kahlua.

I know this may sound creepy, but that afternoon and night I laid down with her tin on my chest with her picture adjacent to them. I yearned for, I desperately wanted her to hug, kiss, stroke and comfort. Kahlua really is and always will be THE dog of my life. Others may also come, grow attach to and go, but none will be as special, as spectacular as Kahlua. Kind of a downer thinking about it that way, but it just is.

I'm reading some of the other posts on here and still going through a lot of second-guessing. Like should I have done the SubQ thing at home, might that have eased her along a bit longer and made her passing more bearable for her and me. A lot of woulda, coulda, shoulda stuff running through my head. I know it's not productive to do it, but hard not to when you miss something as wonderful as Kahlua, and all of the furry friends written about in this forum.

I'm flying out of town this week for a vacation with family out of state. They all knew and spent time with Kahlua. They know how big a part of my life she was to me all these years. I'm looking forward to their hugs, love and caring more than a 40+ yo man would normally let on. It's been especially tough not having a wife/girlfriend at this time to help me through this grief. My friends are great, don't get me wrong, but it just ain't the same. The loneliness and emptiness is magnified. I look forward to family and am grateful I still have so many of them still with me.

I love you Kahlua with all my heart, and all my soul, forever and ever.

[myhrtisbrkn]

K's Dad,

When I picked Mackie's ashes, several days after they were ready...they were warm to my touch. I thought it was ...the sun, warmth from my own hands...it will go away, but it didn't. the little vial of his ashes that I carry on my key chain ( he always wanted to be in my truck ) is cool. But, the bulk of his ashes in their littlevelvet Rainbow Bridge bag, still feels warm to me. For that reason I have been very sparing when I scattered them in his favorite locations, and I kept most of them close to me.

It's so hard not to fall into the "if only" pit where the coulda-shouldas can get you. I still struggle with that, if I'd done Sadie's physical therapy every day instead of only three times a week she wouldn't have developed the blood clots...on and on. I did the best I could, so did you. I believe Kahlua would confirm that if she could...maybe by warming her ashes to your touch.

Dayna

[goliath]

I rode my bicycle for this trip, along much of a trail I'd ride, rollerblade and walk her on. I put her tin in my backpack and as I began to ride I felt a sudden rush of warmth come from where it was touching me. When I picked up the tin it was cool to the touch, and I was riding into the sun so the backpack was not getting direct sunlit, yet this warmth embraced me. I know, or want to believe it was Kahlua.

I'm sure it was Kahlua letting you know she lives within you and will warm your heart forever. Over time you will experience many different "hellos" from Kahlua. She knows she will be seeing you again one day. The sunshine she brought you on your bike ride home was sent for a reason. If your mind is open the heart will follow.

You are so blessed to have such a love as Kahlua. Many new and beautiful memories will come your way because she will see to it.

Take care and may God bless you both.

[Candy's Dad]

I am reading this a month late, but wanted to thank you for sharing your story. I'm in tears at my office just reading it. Tonight I have to make the decision to put Candy to sleep, and like yourself, I don't want to do it. But I know I have to do before it get's too late.

My heart and prayers go to you and I am deeply sorry for your loss. Though you are reading this weeks after, know your story helped put my own broken heart at ease.

Thank you.

Hal - Candy's Dad

[1991Baby]

Well, I'm back from almost 3 weeks of travel. I spent a week in Florida visiting family, then went to Arizona to visit the rest of my family and spent a week camping in the Colorado rockies. Now I'm just getting back into a normal life without any pending trips or big events upcoming. I gotta say, I just feel pretty blah around here.

I spread some of Kahlua's ashes in our favorite places in Arizona and Colorado. But camping without Kahlua was...pretty blah. It just ain't the same. It ain't even half as enjoyable or worthwhile without her. To be honest, it wasn't fun or enjoyable at all. Me and my little girl camping was what it was all about. Sometimes with friends/girlfriends joining us, sometimes without. But it was always a great, relaxing, rejuevenating experience with her. Without her I couldn't wait for the week to end.

So now I'm home, in an empty house. I'm ready to move. I just can't stomach staying here much longer. I detest several of my neighbors in this condo who, a)hate dogs and b)gave me a terrible time as Kahlua was aging, slow and soiling. I always cleaned up after her (unlike a few of my other neighbors with dogs), but she was an easy target for the dog haters in the building. I can't look at them without thinking how much I'd love to curse them a blue streak and tell them where to go directly to.

The HOA president is a dog owner, but also a 20-something year old little Hitler. She gave me a hard time about Kahlua and I am sorely tempted to tell her that I hope she never has to deal with her dog getting older since she can't handle it and has no compassion for them. I can't help but want to tell her I wish a tragic premature death for her dog. I know it's mean and I shouldn't feel that way, and that her dog is an innocent victim, but I guess it is also a part of my anger phase of grief. But since they picked on Kahlua, they picked on me, and I have only hatred and contempt for them.

While I wanted to move long ago I couldn't see having to deal with the carpet and floor damage repair in my current place, as well as then having it happen in a new place while she was alive. Without that constraint, I'm gone from here probably by the end of the summer when this place gets sold. I won't miss it, though Kahlua and I lived here for over 4 years and we had some good times here. But the images of her aging and dying here are too much for me.

As I've stated, life is pretty blah for me right now. No extreme highs, no extreme lows, just plain numb mixed with a bit of anger and sorrow at times. I've begun to contemplate getting a new furry friend. I don't think I'll do it until after I move, though. I'm actually a bit nervous about doing it. Truth be told, Kahlua and I didn't truly bond until she was around 3 years old. Kahlua was a hellion before then, chewing everything, new shoes, books, music, furniture, window ledges. I still liked her, but was having to learn patience and what it meant to be a dog owner before we became inseparable. Much of her behavior was my fault: I worked 18+ hour days and couldn't spend the time she needed to be properly cared for. On top of that I got her when she was only 6 weeks old and I've learned that they should be at least 8 weeks old to be properly weaned. She had separation anxiety to the extreme as a result.

In getting a new pup I know I'll be going through all that again, and hope that my experience will guide it through adolesance more smoothly. And after having Kahlua for 17 years I don't think I could bear it if a new pup only lived to 9 or 10. I think I'll try contacting her breeders back in Austin, Texas, and see if they have her bloodline still going. They did when I talked to them about 6 years ago. Maybe....

Oh well, I'm still trying to put it all together. A stray clump of fur here and there, or rounding a corner in my home will bring back a memory or expectation of seeing her there. This just really stinks, I miss her dearly, I see her pictures and can't believe it's been a month now since I've been able to hold her, kiss her and love her. Kahlua was all that and then some.

[Daisy's Mommy]

At the very end, there is only one thing that we can do for our beloved pets, and that is to let them leave this earth without pain or fear. Holding them, petting them, telling them we love them, as the vet helps them to leave. This is the final gift of love for a faithful friend.

When is the time right? That is a hard decision, but I think that the time is right when you believe that if your pet was a human, he or she would say "I want to go." Since your decision was made with love and no self-interest it cannot be wrong.

[LoveThem]

I wish you the best in getting a new baby. I will tell you that I have had more than one dog and none that I had as a puppy settled down until 3 years old. Before then...everything was play. I used to tell myself 7x3=21 years..meaning at 3 they should be an adult like a 21 year old...and I did notice they did start settling down.

As far as length of time, the smaller dogs seems to have a greater life expectancy. I never had a dog over 12 years..it was never meant to be. Your 17 years sounds quite wonderful to me. But then I had Shepherds and I've heard the bigger the dog, the less the years of life.

But as in thinking of Kendra...would you have given up having her in your life if she had lived a shorter time? I don't think so. It is truly the quality of the time we have with them that we have to cherish and we would never give up...even knowing they will not be allowed to be with us forever.

My Little Guy was 16 1/2 years old..the oldest pet I have had... I would not give up 16 years and 4 months of wonderful happy and healty times...to avoid him getting ill the last 2 months. We truly have to look at it as enjoying them and their unconditional love as long as we are allowed to have them in our lives. I just would not trade the experience of having any of my special ones in my lifetime to avoid the pain and sadness at the end of that time when it is their time to go.

I wish you healing and peace and prayers that you will find what you need. I agree I think your moving will help.

[Candy's Dad]

I hope your doing well. I read the thread again and really feel for you and your experience. My Candy was nearly as old as Kahlua, she was born on 1992.

In fact, it was your post that helped give me some strength when it came down to do what had to be done. I remember when I heard Candy yelp a little, that your post was fresh in my mind.

It's been a week later and I still need to get my girl's ashes, but I understand what you are going through. Just trying to get use to the stillness and quite of the house.

Hang in there.

Candy's Dad

Hal

[Deanna]

Well, I'm starting to get back out and do normal things with friends without sobbing as I mourn the loss of Kahlua. I figured I was ready to move on and then I come back in from a fun time out with friends and walking in the door realize I don't have her to greet me, or find her sleeping some place comfy in the house. It's like that emptiness I was feeling in the first few days of her loss has come rushing back. It's really a bit overwhelming seeing as how it's been ten days already. I guess I'm still hanging on to her so closely, gosh I really miss her. I miss her a whole lot.

Anyway, life just seems so much emptier without her around. There's a hole in my heart a mile wide. Just realizing that it's all as real and as final as they say is distressing. I know I'll get through this as time goes on. And I know there'll be other moments that become solemn to me as I grieve. I know I'll share happy times with other furry friends. But none will be Kahlua. She will be the funnest, classiest, most especially important and dear to me. I know it will just be that way. And so I continue to mourn her dearly. The stages of grief never seem to move as quickly as I say I want them to.

1991Baby
I am a month late, however, .... I am just in awww of your story and feelings. I honestly feel that I could take your thoughts and expressions of how you felt this day and just sign my name at the bottom today.
Hope you're doing better.
Kahlua will forever be in your heart.
Sincerely,
Deanna

[1991Baby]

I do miss her so terribly much. It's been over a month. I'll still tear up at times during the day. I've tried to stay very busy to keep my mind occupied, but in the end I always come home to an empty place, a place that no longer feels like a home without her, it is just a place my things stay and I sleep at night.

I'll always love my little Kahlua, and there are times when I walk around here or sit down and will just mumble out loud, "I miss my little girl, I love you so much Kahlua, my poor little baby, I love you always and forever", and then find a picture to look into the image of her pretty little face and big brown eyes. It just ain't the same without her.

As I'm writing this I want to say she was my one and only, the most perfect little creature and friend a man could ever have. I believe this is to be true today. By the same token I don't want to rule out getting another pet and live my life having only known Kahlua. I know I'm not ready yet, and I don't know how long it will take until I am, but I'm also old enough to know never say never, and not to rule things out. So while she is my one and only most special and dearest little girl, I've gotta be careful with the "one and only" part in knowing I one day will welcome another into my home, but another that will never, nor could it ever replace or top Kahlua in any way.

I'm so glad there is this forum to allow us to express ourselves and read other's feelings, knowing we're not alone in our love and grief. From time to time I'll go back to the start of this thread when I still had Kahlua with me but knew the end was there to feel those feelings again, to see how fresh the emotions are and to hopefully continue to gain a deeper perspective of the pain and loss of love I've gone through as time marches on. This is so valuable in many respects. We go through this journey in different ways because each of our loved ones were so uniquely special to each of us. But the common ground we find when our emotions overlap with another's is comforting. Thank you all.

[Deanna]

I do miss her so terribly much. It's been over a month. I'll still tear up at times during the day. I've tried to stay very busy to keep my mind occupied, but in the end I always come home to an empty place, a place that no longer feels like a home without her, it is just a place my things stay and I sleep at night.

I'll always love my little Kahlua, and there are times when I walk around here or sit down and will just mumble out loud, "I miss my little girl, I love you so much Kahlua, my poor little baby, I love you always and forever", and then find a picture to look into the image of her pretty little face and big brown eyes. It just ain't the same without her.

As I'm writing this I want to say she was my one and only, the most perfect little creature and friend a man could ever have. I believe this is to be true today. By the same token I don't want to rule out getting another pet and live my life having only known Kahlua. I know I'm not ready yet, and I don't know how long it will take until I am, but I'm also old enough to know never say never, and not to rule things out. So while she is my one and only most special and dearest little girl, I've gotta be careful with the "one and only" part in knowing I one day will welcome another into my home, but another that will never, nor could it ever replace or top Kahlua in any way.

I'm so glad there is this forum to allow us to express ourselves and read other's feelings, knowing we're not alone in our love and grief. From time to time I'll go back to the start of this thread when I still had Kahlua with me but knew the end was there to feel those feelings again, to see how fresh the emotions are and to hopefully continue to gain a deeper perspective of the pain and loss of love I've gone through as time marches on. This is so valuable in many respects. We go through this journey in different ways because each of our loved ones were so uniquely special to each of us. But the common ground we find when our emotions overlap with another's is comforting. Thank you all.

I miss my Zoe terribly too. I grew up as one of those people who never cared to have a pet. My kids are grown, 18 & 10, and for most of their lives, they asked me for a pet, but I always told them "sorry...you can get one when you move out". UNTIL... my dear co-worker who breeds "westies", asked me if I was interested in one ...I immediately said no...but she began to tease me....are you sure ....I've got one adorable little girl left. I went home and mentioned it ....my son lost his mind...please, please, please, mom, paleez! So, my heart gave in and went back to work and said, I'll take her. Little did I know, once I took a little ride into the country to pick her up, my life would change forever. I fell COMPLETELY in love with this lil' puppy, it was a whole new level of emotions and love I never knew my whole life. It was wonderful. I now believe it is now a gift Zoe taught and gave me.

I have always, my whole life, been a upbeat, very positive, smile all day, laugh constantly throughout the day, kind of person. I have always been asked "what is it Deanna that you are able to smile all day, everyday?" Well, it was just me, I couldn't explain it. However, with having Zoe and wonderful she was and losing Zoe, especially due to a quick an tragic accident .... I have never, I mean never, (and I've lost my father and all grandparents) ....had anything grab a hold of me and me think ... I will NEVER be completely happy again. There is such an emptiness in my heart that, I honestly feel, will never be filled again. Zoe was, as you have said was "THE DOG" for me. I roam around my house talking to Zoe as well ....I say thing's like "mama misses you so much little girl" "mama hurts" "mama wants you in my arms again" "oh please God, make the pain ease. I want to focus my energy on the positive things she brought to me in my life, rather than dwelling on her death, but I really try. Going out to dinner with friends, or to the movies with my son, I try so hard not to cry while I am out. Although, during these events, I am thinking ...ok , I'm going to have to go back to an empty, quiet house that used to be filled with such pure loving, fun energy.

A few have said "God had a reason" to take her. I am alil' puzzled with that one....I can't think of any reason, she was so wonderful .....she loved me, I loved her? I am assuming I will learn the reason once I have conquered the pain? I don't know? I am so lost and confused.

Oh, this is sooo hard. The grieving phases are going very slow for me.
I need you guys for support to get through this difficult time in my life.
Thanks to all,
Deanna

~ Zoe - Forever In My Heart ~

[goliath]

[quote name='Deanna' date='Jul 2 2008, 08:38 PM' post='40065']
A few have said "God had a reason" to take her. I am alil' puzzled with that one....I can't think of any reason, she was so wonderful .....she loved me, I loved her? I am assuming I will learn the reason once I have conquered the pain? I don't know? I am so lost and confused.[quote]



The depth of love we are able to feel as a result of having these little messengers is the reason God takes them home again. Though we may not get clear answers as to why when we want them, we can have faith that Somebody upstairs knows why and He chooses when the lesson is finished. Sometimes the answers come in small doses and other times it hits us square in the face.

The hole that is left in our heart when these sweet teachers pass away is so painful and unbearable I know. But I also know if we extend the love and teachings these babies gave us, we can fill that hole with a brand new kind of love. They make us want to better ourselves as human beings because they bring the very best out of us. When they pass away only their bodies are gone. Their true spirit remains within us and all around us.

When my Goliath was here on earth he taught me many lessons of how to love. To this day he still teaches me when I keep my mind and heart completely open and free. Each day brings an opportunity to share all we have learned and show what good students we were and are.

As we continue our journey together in finding peace in our hearts, know that love never dies. For it is in our hearts these precious babies reside for the rest of our days here until we meet again.

Much love to all,
Beth

[myhrtisbrkn]

I don't mean to start a theological controversy, but I don't believe God takes any life. Our bodies are mortal, and because we were given stewardship over the animal world...they share our mortality. It's very clear to me that their souls also share our immortality. What happened to Zoe was a tragic accident, her body perished...but her love for you lives forever.


love to all,
Dayna

[Deanna]

Beth and Dayna,
I am sorry for making such a negative comment about "being a lil' puzzled about "God had a reason", I have been on such an emotional roller coaster ....from extreme sadness, then getting angry. Now, reflecting back on that comment, it was wrong.
It is the spiritual healing, along with you guys, that is helping through this difficult time.
Again, I am sorry.
Deanna

[myhrtisbrkn]

Deanna,

No apologies necessary, Honey. That is a natural, and age old question, and certainly one that I have asked in my darkest moments. I'm sorry if I made you feel that I was offended. We have to work through these issues in order to heal.

And speaking of that I'm wishing you continued progress,
Much love to you, and have a good 4th,
Dayna

[1991Baby]

This past week has been terribly difficult. I think it really kicked in Saturday after the 4th of July. I went down to the pool to grill and swim and couldn't stop thinking about how this time last year Kahlua was right there with me, running around the pool to whatever side I was closest to, sniffing around the bushes, trying to get to the food that was close to the ground, being told how adorable she was by neighbors and guests.

Since then I've started to get overwhelmed by grief all over again. I wasn't planning on moving until after the summer was over and my lease was up, but these constant reminders are killing me. Maybe it was because it was a holiday, and holidays stand out more than the blur of days between them. I know this much, I can't be here for the Halloween-New Year's stretch. They say that is the most depressing time of the year for people who have recently experienced loss. I won't make it through that here with my sanity or waistline in check.

Kahlua was a precious, precious little girl. I try to reach out my arms and hug her memory as if she were right there. I miss her dearly. She touched me in a way I never imagined possible and I can't let go. I am so lonely without her, no matter how busy I try to stay. I'm always the strong one. While I've been going through this loss I've been helping a relative go through the a breakup that has torn him up, I've been trying to help keep his head on straight since he's been doing crazy, irrational things. Now a best friend who recently got divorced is having child rearing/custody issues and is doing stupid things driven by unhealthy emotional motivations. I'm great at giving advice for others, knocking them around when they need it and giving them hugs when they need it. But I'm still a wreck over Kahlua.

Helping them deal with their issues has been a distraction from my own. I could choose to bury my issues and her memory. But I worry about doing her memory an injustice by doing that, and I've always heard that you should deal with issues, not hide from them. I just don't know what it will take to get mentally well again and move on. Some say get another puppy, but cir%%stances don't allow me to do so right now. I need to change my cir%%stances.

I love you baby girl Kahlua, always and forever,

xoxoxoxo
Daddy