Hello everyone,

My name is Caroline and I live in Ohio. Last Wednesday I lost my beloved jack russell/rat terrier Abby. She died naturally (though she did have cushings and liver disease) and I was with her, holding her and loving on her when she took her last breath. It was gut-wrenching.

Abby was 16 1/2 years old and I'd had her since she was about 8 weeks old. I actually got her for my mom, the day after my dad's funeral. I thought a new pet would be good for my mom but it turned out it was the last thing she wanted. So I took Abby with me, as I fell immediately head over heels in love with her. It was soooo easy-

Soon I found out that Abby had been born on my dad's birthday and that made her even more special than she already was. I truly believe she was the biggest part of what helped me get through that time. As an only child, I was and am very close to my parents.

Anyway, now that my precious little girl is gone, I am drowning in grief. I go through the motions, going to work, making dinner, watching TV, etc. but I cannot shake this incredible sense of loss and feel as though a part of my heart is missing. There are times when it physically hurts.

I am single and live alone and I recently discovered that I am in a demographic that experiences a loss of this nature in the most profound way. Thankfully, I have 2 cats who I have never been more grateful for, however it is completely not the same and I see my little girl all over the house. Last night, I could have sworn I heard her little nails tapping across my hardwood floors.

I talk to her urn and have been innundating myself with photos of her but I can't help but feel as though I am going nuts. Am I suppose to feel this way? Is this normal?

How on earth will I ever feel joy again? It seems rather impossible at the moment. And even when/if I do, I fear that I will also feel guilty, as though I am betraying her memory.

I've been online looking for outlets to help with my loss and I found your site.

Does anyone have some words of wisdom for me? I keep praying that time will heal and part of me does believe that. I just keep waiting for "time" to kick in-

Thanks for listening-
-Abby's Mom

Caroline -

I don't know that I have any words of wisdom (but there are many folks whom I'm sure will) I do offer my sincere condolences on the loss of your Abby. Yesterday was 5 months to the day I lost my Sir Thomas. Like you, I have another furbaby, my girl cat Theresa who is a joy. But like you, I know it's not the same. It's a roller coaster of a ride this thing called grief. But you do get to a point where you start to cope. I have taken the opportunity to forge a better relationship with Theresa. Perhaps you can do something similar with your kitties. I'm sure they are feeling the loss too and will offer a great deal of strength in the days to come. Just take it one day at a time finding your new normal. And know that there are many caring people here that understand how you feel.

Hi, Abby's Mom, please permit me to offer you my sincerest sympathies in the loss of your beloved Abby. Losing a beloved companion is never easy regardless of the cirucmstances or how long we have been blessed with the privilege of their company. It doesn't matter if it's our first loss, fifth, tenth - - fiftieth - - hundredth - - each loss is unique and equally painful - - both emotionally and physically.

Abby's Mom, what you are going through is very normal for this deep grief you are experiencing. This grief journey is often compared to a horror roller coaster ride - - it is fraught with unpredictable emotional ups and downs, twists and turns and turnarounds - - sometimes all of them crashing in on us all at once, that it can in fact make us feel as through we are losing our minds. But I assure you, Abby's Mom, what you are going through is perfectly normal.

Also, this grief journey is not a matter of "getting over" your precious Abby's physical absence. It is more a journey of adjustment, for "getting over" implies "forgetting" - - and there is no way you can ever "forget" your precious Abby anymore than you can "forget" your dad. Clinical professionals now recognize that the physical loss of a beloved companion is as painful as, if not more so, as the physical loss of a human family member or friend. The stages of grief are the same, but they are not experienced as "1, 2, 3 - - and then you're "over it." This journey can only be traveled at your own pace and in your own time. One of the many important things for you to remember is that you are not alone in your grief "adjustment" journey - - each of us are here for you, with you, and beside you with every step you take in your journey, and we are here for you for as long and as often as you need us.

It is normal in the deep grief to wonder if you will ever be happy again, and to struggle with the feelings of "disloyalty" when that time should present itself to you. Hopefully as you come through your deep grief you will come to understand that your precious Abby wants you to be happy - - she does not want your heart immersed in deep sorrow. Instead, she wants you to be happy when you remember her earthly journey with you, and this can only be done when you have come through your deep grief and can feel her sweet Living Spirit in your heart and memories. Remembering your precious Abby with a happy heart will honor your earthly journey together, and will help you to know that she is forever with you just as she always has been and always will be sharing your earthly journey just as she always has. For you see, Abby's Mom, the eternal love bond you share with your precious Abby is not confined to the physical laws of time and space - - she is forever a part of you - - she is always a heartbeat close to you.

Abby's Mom, I know right now there are no adequate words in any language that can come close to soothing your shattered heart. The only thing I can offer you is my sincerest friendship in the hope that you will find some comfort, encouragement, and support from the inadequate words I write to you. I thank you so much for honoring us by sharing your precious Abby with us, and perhaps sometime you will feel up to sharing a picture(s) of your precious Abby with us - - if you would like to do so.

Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Abby's Mom, and look forward to knowing how you're doing whenever possible.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Thank you both for your kind words. They mean so much. I am doing my best to keep it together. I long for a light at the end of this very dark tunnel- God bless all of us who have experienced a loss like this.

Dear Abby's Mom,

Please accept my deepest condolences on the loss of your beloved Abby. I understand the overwhelming pain that accompanies the loss of a soul with whom you shared such a deep bond and who had been such an intregal part of your life. Crushingly painful doesn't even begin to describe what's left of you, after they've gone. I lost my beautiful, sweet 8 year old Peggy, very suddenly, 10 weeks ago this past Saturday and was so destroyed, I could barely function on any level for several days. I cried and fought back tears on a daily and almost minute-by-minute basis for 2 months - and I'm not a crier by nature. I would say I felt like a zombie a lot of the time but it was more like a human shell, overflowing with agony. I am so, so sorry that you are feeling that same pain now. There is nothing more difficult than having to learn how to continue moving on with your life after loosing someone who embodied the biggest piece of your heart.

I lost my father 18 years ago (as of May 22) and the grief from loosing Peggy was very similar to my experience then. My mother lives with me and she shared the same bond with Peggy. Even she compared the two events - she and my Dad were very close, they were one of those rare couples who were still together after 30+ years because they liked and loved each other and spent as much time together as possible. She was destroyed for more than a year after he passed, and actually, has never fully recovered from his loss. I saw her begin that same journey when Peggy passed and I was on the road, right beside her. Mom, Peggy (The Dog) and I were a trio that did almost everything together. The bond we all shared was based on love and respect as well as consideration and compassion for each other. Frankly, we were head over heels in love with Peggy and she with us. Neither of us had ever expereinced that kind of a bond with an animal, Peggy was truly special. Like you, I never married and I have no children (not sure if you do and don't mean to assume anything). I know some people (probably not you) believe that people like us use the animal as a substitute for husband/child and fabricate a bond that doesn't really exist from the animals side of things. While that may be true in some cases, I don't agree that is always the case. For myself, it definitely wasn't the case and I suspect it wasn't the case for you either. I was more career focused so marriage and kids were never really on my list of things to do in this life. It's not like I was longing for something I could never have (and I passed up opportunties to go down that road). I never confused Peggy with a human child, she was perfect being a dog and I had no desire to try to turn her into something else. She was simply a very special soul who connected with us on a very deep emotional level, just by being herself. She became our dog-soulmate because that's who she was, not becasue that's who we wanted her to be. Nobody could have been more surprised than I, when I realized how deeply we connected shortly after she came to live with us. That connection made all of us intregal parts of the others lives and happiness. I've been surrounded by animals my entire life and loved them all. However, I have learned that some of us are blessed with a very special connection to one particular animal. Unfortunately, this is why we're so devestated when they pass on. Also, since a connection on that deep a level is so rare, even some animal people don't understand it and can find it difficult to be supportive when they realize the level of your despair in the months following their loss.

Caroline, please know that you are not alone and most of the people on this site also shared that same bond with their beloved animals. You are not 'going nuts'. You just experienced a traumatic, life changing event and are now trying to cope as best you can. We all understand exactly what you're going through. Many of us believe our pets are with us in spirit and we still speak to them as if they're physically present. I sometimes have a conversation in my head with her, like when I'm outside and seeing something that she would have loved sharing in. I actually say hello to her urn on the mantle and after I get into bed at night, wish her good-night and tell her I love her, every single night when I go to bed. Isn't it funny that nobody thinks too much of it if it when it's a person we were grieving for or still talking to in that manner? I have a collague from India that was working on a project with me the week Peggy passed. I told him I couldn't talk about it because it hurt too much and I knew he wouldn't understand the whole 'American's and their animals' thing. He replied by saying - paraphrasing here - I don't really understand feeling that way about an animal but I guess love is love, and if the love leaves, it's natural to feel grief that matches how much you loved the other. I couldn't have phrased it better. You are feeling this so deeply becasue you loved so deeply (Gretta's Mom also points that out in several posts on this site). This is not something you are going to come to terms with in a short period of time. It is a huge adjustment and it's going to take a lot of time for you to find a way to cope and to develop new habits. Personally, I find that I still look for Peggy when I'm tired and doing something that I associate with her. Trips to the store are challenging sometimes because she's so conspicious by her absence. It's the everyday things we shared, which must still be done, that call the most attention to their absence. I realize how difficult it is at this time. However, the pain will eventually subside and be less intense but I don't know that it will ever fully pass. After 10 weeks, I still cry but I can usually control it. I feel a deep sadness and longing to be with her but the overwhelming, consuming despair is no longer an everyday occurence. It will not be easy but you will eventually come out the other side of this dark road. While you struggle to find your way, please know that you have support on this site whenever you need it.

You will be in my thoughts and prayers.

Take care of yourself.

Peggy (The Human)

Thanks to all for your words of encouragement.

I have to say that tomorrow will be one week since my baby passed away and I'm worried about how the day will go.

Strangely enough, tonight I have felt the tiniest twinge of peace. I'm not sure if it will last long but I only cried a little tonight and did not experience the usual waves of uncontrollable sobs that I have endured every day for the last week. I know your kind words are helping. That and talking to my mom. I still can't talk to other people about Abby without tearing up or worse so I'm playing it pretty safe when I am out in the world. As you guys have said, not everyone understands this type of grief.

Anyway, I thought you might enjoy seeing a picture of my precious Abby. This one was captured a few years ago quite by accident and it's always been one of my fave photos of her. I have lots more and I hope to feel up to sharing them soon.

I can't tell you enough how grateful I am to have found this site and the wonderful souls here-

Hi Abby's Mom,

Thank you so much for sharing your precious picture, Abby was adorable! How could anyone not fall in love with that face and the expression in her eyes? I'm glad you felt a tiny bit of peace tonight and I hope it carries over into the coming days. The process of moving through the grief and back to a place of healing can be a bit unpredictable and many have refered to it as a roller coaster, so don't question yourself if that feeling of peace comes and goes for a while. It's often a natural part of the healing process. However, it's very, very good that a sense of peace made it through your deep pain. I'm betting Abby's spirit is coming around and doing everything in her power to let you know she's now fine, still with you and doing everything in her power to help you move beyond the pain. Love transcends everything and the love you shared will always remain with you both.

Please know that you're in my prayers and let us know how you're doing, when you feel up to it.

Take care of yourself,

Peggy

Dear Abby's Mom,

I am so sorry for the loss of your precious Abby. What a cute picture of her! Thank you for sharing her picture.

Like your Abby, our doggie Mickey passed away naturally here at home (11 weeks ago yesterday). He had heart problems and it eventually failed. It was so hard to watch him pass, but we knew it was coming. He had had a pretty good day, so we weren't expecting him to have a seizure and pass away that day. He didn't seem to suffer because he was unconsious. We comforted him until he took his last breath.

I don't know when the tears will stop, but we have more smiles now about the funny things he did. Yes, Abby's Mom, you will have peaceful days and then everything will overwhelm you again. But gradually you will have more peaceful days than not. I'm so glad you found this board. It has helped me a lot.

You are in my thoughts and prayers. God Bless you.

Hi, Caroline, each day is a "first" right now - - the first hour, the first day, the first week, the first month, the first birthday, the first weekend, the first holiday, the first vacation - - the first of everything WITHOUT - - and it's a very hard journey to travel particularly during the deep grief. So please know your apprehension about today, and the upcoming days - - is normal - - and you do not have to endure them alone. Please know you are NEVER alone - - we are here for you through every step of your journey, Caroline - - as you wish us to be.

Thank you so much for sharing a picture of your precious Abby with us. I can so understand how it is among many cherished and favorite memories you have of her. We will look forward to sharing more of your cherished memories whenever possible.

Caroline, I hope today is being kind to you, and that you continue to feel the peace in your heart. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Caroline, and look forward to knowing how you're doing whenever possible.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Well the day was pretty good I suppose. In fact, I do pretty well during the day. I am sad first thing in the morning because that is when I would let Abby out into the backyard and feed her breakfast. I stop by her urn everyday on the way out the door and tell her bye like I always used to do when she was here.

It's always the most difficult at night. I so miss her sitting by me on the sofa, in "her" chair or begging for food at dinner time. I had ribs the other night and cried over the rib bones because we used to always go on the deck for a special treat right after.

I had a weird dream the other day. My dad was there (who passed in 1994). I went into his arms crying and said "I miss her Daddy." He hugged me and said "Look she's right here." And for a split second I felt as though she was in my arms again. Then it was over. I wish so badly that I could have that dream again. Do you suppose they're together? That would be amazing!

I'm still grateful for the periods where the pain and loss is not so overwhelming and I will admit they do get a little longer everyday. I now realize that I will NEVER get over this loss. I will simply find a way to live in spite of it. I compare it to losing a limb and having to learn how to do things all over again.

I remain hopeful and just take it one day at a time-

Your posts do bring me some comfort and I can't thank you all enough!

Hi, Caroline, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. The night's are harder because it is when we are home after a day of "busyness" that we are faced with having to cope with the undenial reality that our beloved companions are no longer physically with us.

I can empathize with your dream, Caroline, and please take comfort in knowing for a certainty that your precious Abby and your dad are together in eternal joy - - patiently waiting for your appropriate time to join them. But for now, they are letting you know that they are together and okay - - and that they love you - - a love that is eternal and is not bound by the physical laws of time and space.

Your &%^ogy of missing a limb appropriately describes both the emotional and physical pain of this grief adjustment journey. It does feel as though a very integral part of our bodies has been amputated - - without anesthesia - - and as anyone who has experienced an amputation will tell you that it takes a very long time for the body and mind to adjust to the reality that the limb is no longer present. So it is with this grief adjustment journey - - but the good news is that we are blessed with the presence of our beloved companion's sweet Living Spirit forever in our hearts and memories - - and I do firmly believe that they continue to "communicate" with us - - sometimes silently, sometimes in our dreams, sometimes through just the "feeling" of their presence, and in whatever way they can do so - - to let us know that they are still with us - - always with us - - continuing to share our hearts and lives just as they always have and always will.

But even so, it is still very hard adjusting to the "new normal" that we face every day - - the reality of the void in our daily lives - - and this takes time - - one day at a time - - assisted with comfort and encouragement from others who know beyond all shadow of a doubt what you are going through.

Caroline, thank you again so much for letting us know how things are going. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and look forward to knowing how you're doing whenever possible.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Hello Caroline

First let me say how sorry I am about the passing of darling little Abby. My Gretta-girl (a 13 year old chocolate lab) left me exactly a month ago. Three days after she went away, I had a dream. I was sleeping on her dog bed (yes, the world would think we were all crazy - but we're not) and I dreamt that a large golden retriever appear between Gretta's water/food bowls and the bookshelf behind them. (Physically impossible - since there's only about 3 inches of space between them.) She jumped / flew across the room and then disappeared. I woke up and in the instant before returning to consciousness I felt Grettta lying beside me - and then she disappeared, too. These are signs, definitely signs, that our soul-mates send to us to let us know they are OK and they are in the Perfect World - with others who have left the earth before them. No matter what anyone else says, this WAS Abby talking to you and showing you that, yes, she is with your dad, in the Perfect World. And we WILL be joined together when we get there - no matter whose theology allows or doesn't allow this!

What an adorable girl! Who would think that a dog so small would have a tongue so large!! Thank you for finding us, Caroline. We've all been drawn here because we are among the few most blessed to have loved and been loved by a true soul mate. We know how HARD, REALLY crushingly hard every "first without" is. After a while it stops feeling like knives carving out your heart and turns into a concret block that you carry around at all times. At least that's what the first month has been like for me. But others reassure us "newbies" that after some time (eternity?) has passed the pain settles down some and we can slowly begin to think about the love, the fun times, the funny times our dear friends gave us - and will give us again someday.

Take care,

Gretta's mom

Rest well tonight and have a peaceful tomorrow.

Gosh, I am overwhelmed by the support that has been offered to me here. Words fail me, as how does one express the gratefulness felt for providing a lifeline of sorts during such a dark and tumultuous time.

I mourn with you all, not just for my Abby but for all of our sweet soul mates that have crossed over.

I have now been able to bring myself to start reading about the losses of others and my heart breaks and yet swells for the love expressed here.

You are all truly the kindest, most spiritual people I have ever encountered. I am blessed to have found you!

Hi Abby's Mom,

I'm so glad you're finding some comfort with the wonderful people on this site. I know they were lifesavers for me - and still are, when I sink back into the despair. Very interesting dream. I'm kind of wondering if it was a visit and not just a dream. If you think about it, if we could have a dream like that, just by wishing, we'd all be dreaming of our beloved pets every night. Whatever it was, I'm so happy you had it. Even though you woke up wishing you could hold her again, it sounds like it brought some comfort to you. And who better to take care of her than your Dad? Since they shared B-days and they both have imense love for you, they've got tons in common. Moon-Beam and Gretta's Mom are absolutely correct (as they always are!), every first brings home the fact that they're gone and we have to find a new way of doing something without them. Knowing that, helped me a lot since I was starting to think something was wrong with me every time I started sliding back into the intense pain. Once I made it through the 10 week mark, I noticed it seemed to level off on most days. However, I can now talk about my sweet Peggy with (almost) anyone without falling apart. I never thought I'd reach this point. If you find that you have 'not so bad days' which are then followed by 'really bad days', please don't question your ability to handle the grief. It takes time and it moves in waves, but it DOES move and I promise, it will eventually get better (I should say, less painful).

Please know that you remain in my thoughts and prayers.

Take care of yourself,

Peggy (the human)

Hi all,

I'm really missing my baby today. It's the first Saturday at home without her. So all I have to do is sit around and miss her.

Don't get me wrong, I don't plan to just sit. I will be cleaning and mowing the lawn, etc. The thing is, Abby used to keep me company in the yard while I was doing that stuff and she'd always get so excited over her freshly mowed backyard. Then we'd usually grill steaks in the evening and I'd usually buy t-bones because she loved the bones. We'd site on the deck after dinner and have our special treats (her the t-bone, okay and some real steak and me a glass of wine). I have a pic of her chewing on one of those bones during our special summer Saturday evenings.

I've been doing pretty darn good the last couple of days but suddenly it hit me like a ton of bricks.

I'm having dinner out with friends tonight and I'm sure that will at least provide some distraction.

Hi Abby's Mom,

I'm so sorry this is a sad day for you. It's especially hard when we're used to doing certain activities with our babies and then we realize they're not there.......I'm teary-eyed today too, it has turned cool and raining, just a dreary day.

I hope you have an enjoyable dinner out tonight with your friends. A distraction is good for awhile.

Abby's Mom, you (and sweet Abby) are always in my thoughts and prayers....Take care.

God Bless,

LoveMyMickey

Hi, Caroline, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. Each day during this grief adjustment journey is a "first" for something, and each one is very hard to endure. All the things and activities that were enjoyable were enjoyable because we were sharing them with our precious beloved companion. During the deep grief it can feel like NOTHING will ever be enjoyable again because our hearts are so heavily burdened by sorrow.

Hopefully in time you will come to know that your precious Abby's sweet Living Spirit is still with you - - is still continuing to share ALL of your activities just as she always has and always will. She's still there with you as you're mowing, gardening, fixing dinner - - and she still enjoys hearing your sweet voice talk to her lifting heavenward sharing everything that is in your heart and how your day has been. Even though she is sharing your life in real time now - - as opposed to having to wait for you to come home from work or shopping or visiting friends, etc. - - she still enjoys listening to whatever you want to share with her.

Caroline, thank you again for sharing with us how you're doing. I wish there were a way to make this adjustment journey easier for you. The only thing I can do is offer you my sincerest friendship and encouragement in the hope that somehow it will bring some comfort to you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Caroline, and I look forward to knowing how you're doing whenever possible.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Missing my baby an awful lot today. I called a good friend back tonight, who was one of the people I text'd on the day Abby passed away to let them know. She has never known me without Abby and we've known one another since the late 90's. I told her it took me so long to call her back because I am just now finding a way to talk about my little girl without turning into a blubbering idiot-

She too is a for real pet lover and completely understands how I'm feeling. One of her girls is named Abby too and she said everytime she calls her name, she thinks of my precious one.

We talked a long time and I guess it just brought it all back. The day of her death and the circumstances leading up to it. I went home tonight, lit the candle next to her urn and fave toys (as I do every night) and I cried a while. Longer than I have in days. And now, I find myself consumed once again with all that I have lost and how very much I am missing my baby.

Gosh, it just never gets easy. It subsides for brief periods but it only takes a second to find yourself right back in the thick of the grief cycle. This Wednesday will be 2 weeks since I lost Abby and the pain is just as real tonight as it has ever been. Damn this process! There are now times when I feel angry, as if some wrong has been done to me. I know that isn't really true but I feel it nonetheless. The anger doesn't last long but the loneliness surely does.

God, I want her back! I'd give every cent and everything that I have just to have her in my arms again. I know that we all feel that way and that this too will pass.

Just having a not so great night and wanted to share how I'm feeling.

Thanks again to all you guys for helping to hold me up with all your kind words and cyber hugs-

If you have a chance tonight, look up into the heavens and tell Abby that her mom misses her like crazy and loves her so much.

Hi, Caroline, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. Caroline, this grief adjustment journey is frequently referred to as a horror roller coaster ride with so many different emotions sometimes overwhelming us all at one time. And yes, anger is one of them - - it's all a part of this horror roller coaster ride - - and there is no specific time for it to be over. I can tell you this, though: Wanting to hold your precious Abby in your arms may ease, but it will never completely entirely pass - - not 30 days from now, 6 months from now, 3 years - - or 30 years - - from now. The deep grief does ease which enables us to remember our beloved companions without the crushing pain in our hearts, but there will always be a part of us that will yearn to hold them "one more time."

The good news is that as your deep grief eases you will be able to remember your precious Abby and smile - - without the crushing pain in your heart or the roller coaster emotions you're having now. I hope this will bring some comfort and encouragement to you, Caroline, as the love bond you and your precious Abby share is eternal - - it is not restricted to the physical laws of time and space.

Caroline, I hope today is being kind to you, and that you will have a very peaceful evening. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and look forward to knowing how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

It's 2 weeks ago today that I lost by precious baby dog Abby at 16 1/2 years old. I miss her so much that my heart feels like it has been ripped from my chest. I am adjusting as best anyone can under the circumstances. There are good days and bad days. I am still lighting a red candle (for love) every night in front of her shrine (urn, paw prints, toys, leash, collar and bowl). I talk to her every morning and evening and yes everyday I still cry. Sometimes more than others.

I realize this will never completely heal just like when we lose a person we dearly love and are so close to. But we keep going and do the best we can.

I continue to find some comfort on this site and wanted to say thank you again to all those who post here. You are truly a "breed" apart-

I am thankful for this site, my 2 cats, my mom and my friends. I would not be getting through this without you all.

Caroline (aka Abby's Mom)