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jenn
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Joined: 31-May 05
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jenn

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28 May 2006
Life is different since I last posted. I've quit my job, started my own daycare buisness, and moved on in a lot of areas of my life. One thing has remained the same. Freeway still isn't here.

I drift through my days , thinking of him more times than I can count. One year ago today I had no idea that he only had 2 more days to live. If I had known, those two days would have been spent so differently. On the 29th of May, there would have been no road trip that day. I would have stuck by his side, petting him, loving on him, making sure he knew how much I loved him. I would have relished in every bark, every kiss.. every move that he made.

I also would have liked to be able to better prepare myself for the end. I'm not sure that's ever an attainable goal, but I would have liked the chance to have tried. We knew he didn't have long, and we also knew that he would suffer. And we would have to be the ones to end that suffering. I regret being in the room. When I think of my boy, I still hear his yelp as the needle went in.. I still see the fear in his eyes... I still see him laying on that table, lifeless. A year has not killed those memories. A lifetime could never still those memories. I still feel guilty, even though I know if I had allowed him to suffer, I would feel guilty then, too. Maybe even more so. It was a lose-lose situation.

A year does a lot for the pain. Sometimes I'll sit and think about something he did and giggle.. he was a silly boy. Sometimes the tears flow just as hard as they did on the day he died. It's not as intense as it was. But it's still oh so real. The world keeps spinning and life must go on.

The grief I feel is still not understood by most. I feel like I can't really share my grief with anyone, because no one will understand shedding tears over the loss of a pet one year ago. I honestly didn't expect to feel this bad. I can't imagine how to get through work on Tuesday! I know that I will, somehow.

In the first few months, I always used to question if the pain would get better. People would say that it does. I disagree. I think it is we, who learn how to deal with the pain better, that makes it feel less.

Freeway, you were my childhood friend. You were sometimes all I had to turn to. For 10 years you gave me everything you had and asked for so little in return.
I will never, ever forget the impact that you had on my life. You were my special miracle. One year has felt like a lifetime. I long for the day that we are brought back together. My sweet Freeway, I hope that you are resting soundly, peacefully. I love you more than words can say.

Thank you all for letting me vent over this past year. I haven't been an active member of this board for a few months now, to make room for other people's grief. In the beginning it is so raw. In closing, I am reposting a poem I wrote the day we let Freeway go. May it stand as a reminder of all he did for me, all he was to me, and that he will remain in my heart and soul forever more.

A Tribute

You were the epitome of love
Your love was unconditional and constant
The world could have learned a lot from you

You got me through all the hard times
Never faltering, never leaving my side
I’m not quite sure how to live without you

You were so brave
In all your sickness you remained happy
Tail wagging, giving kisses freely

The end was horrifying for me
But painless for you
And in my tears I am still grateful

For you, my ever faithful friend
Deserved to die with dignity
You deserved the world and more

I have given you all I could
While the choice was mine
The alternative was worse

Run free, my sweet dog
Eat all the treats you wish
Wait for me, I’ll come find you

And when we reunite
You can take back the piece of my heart
That went up to heaven with you this morning

Fly free, my sweet Freeway
You’ve done well
And will forever remain my puppy

My love is forever constant
My sorrow in time will fade
But my memories of you live on forever
3 Dec 2005
I've always wondered when I'd find another little sign that Freeway used to live here... Its seemed as though his presence has slowly faded away.. his fur is all gone... his smell... His stuff all put away... Then today, I moved our bar fridge into my bedroom... And underneath it was a piece of a bone... He used to leave little pieces everywhere... I know it was a bone he had not too long before his death, because I changed the brand I fed him when he got sick for easier digestion. I wonder how long he tried to get that piece before he gave up and decided it was lost under the fridge... I wonder if perhaps it's a little sign to me that his presence is still here, just not in physical form.

I moved his spot today as well. The table with his urn and all his favorite things used to sit where the fridge now is. Now, he is right beside me as I type. I felt funny moving him... I felt like I was disturbing him... I imagined as I dusted his urn that he was getting upset with me, as he would have in life if I bothered him.. He hated baths, hated being brushed.. just liked to be left alone, he didn't mind being dirty or having matted fur. Eventually, I learned to keep his fur good and short... he was more comfortable this way, and his fur was easier to take care of...

Oh, how I long for my baby right now!!! My broken heart has not had any time to heal, my soul still searches for him, my body still longs to feel him near me... I stay so busy and try to act so strong, but I am now a shattered soul. Part of me is gone and I can't ever replace it.

Thank you to all who read.. I merely needed an outlet... I must now take my teary eyes and get back to work... But first, I will add the piece of the bone to the one I found 2 days after he died... No other canine will ever feast upon them. They are forever his.
25 Nov 2005
It's been over 6 months since Freeway passed... I was doing quite well until the 6 month mark.. and now Christmas is here... and he's not.. it's so hard! He loved the holidays.. he loved the company, the presents, the treats... he knew which present was his and he'd guard it under the tree until Christmas morning... He'd never tear into it though.. he knew he had to wait... It's killing me to NOT have to buy him a present this year!!!!! Everywhere I go there are doggie stockings full of treats, and my heart breaks. Had I known last year would be his last I would have done so much more... I don't know when it's supposed to get easier... I guess maybe after all the "firsts" are over. I'm still quite lost without him. I find it difficult to visit this forum and read all the fresh sorrow... I wish I could make it all better, for all of us...

Does anyone have any tips on how to get through the first Christmas without him?? I really have no one to talk to, I have no means to get in touch with people and people that used to get in touch with me have seemingly just vanished... As hard as it is to admit, I feel very alone in this... Not sure how to make it through sad.gif
26 Sep 2005
It has been 4 months and one week since he left me. 4 months ago I would have said I'd never even make it to the 3 month mark. My heart still wishes I hadn't.
It all still seems so surreal. It's like sometimes I forget it even happened, until my mind flips back to him laying on that multi-colored blanket on top of that hard grey table... signing papers saying, yes I understand you're going to kill my baby, and here is my permission to do so... Not sure that's a guilt I'll ever quite get over. The days and nights are easier than they were... Monday's are easier too... I feel like I'm getting so wrapped up in work and life that I'm forgetting. How could I ever forget my sweet boy. I still find it so hard to come here and read posts of people who's pain is so fresh. I remember that pain. And I sometimes feel guilty that I don't still feel it. 4 months is not very long. And yet, it feels like a lifetime.

I'm getting ready to go on vacation. Visiting friends and my brother. The last day I saw my brother was the day we put Freeway down. Kevin was here and was to fly home that evening. He went with us. The last time I saw my brother was the day my heart broke. I worry seeing him again will bring back some of those memories.
Some of my friends I haven't spoken to in years.. most don't know Freeway is gone. I know some will ask. I don't think I can say he's gone without breaking down yet. I spend so much of my energy trying not to think about it. Not sure how I'll be when it's constantly in my face.

I wish I had words of support for all the new people.. I suppose all I can say is that in my 4 month journey the intense pain has lessened, but the sadness has not. I doubt it ever will. I still know that having him was the best thing that ever happened to me, and that despite the pain of losing him I'd do it all over again. I guess you just have to stay strong, remember to breathe, allow yourself to cry, and know that in time, you will be ok. Even if you feel like you don't want to be ok... a day will come when you are. I'm not there yet. Not quite.

Sending my love and prayers to you all...
Jenn
23 Aug 2005
I'm still not quite sure how to deal with people's insensitivity towards my loss. My grandmother and her dog arrived today for another of their frequent week long stays.. and my grandma turns to me and says that she's glad my dog isn't here anymore because now her dog won't bother him and we won't have to give Homer crap all the time. I just don't understand how in some peoples mind's saying that they're GLAD for someone's loss is acceptable?????? I love my grandmother to death, but I'm sorry... I will be staying away today. It's 3 months and one day today, but it could be 3 years and one day and that STILL would have cut like a knife. I will never be glad Freeway is not here.
People just never cease to amaze me. In grade 10 a good friend of mine committed suicide, and another so-called good friend said she was glad she's dead, she didn't like her anyways. I seriously don't get what goes through people's minds. And it makes me beyond angry.
Is the only way to deal with these people to just breathe deep and walk away? I suppose when it's family you have to... I don't feel like I should have to justify my pain, it should be KNOWN. It should be seen in my eyes. Everyone knew how much I loved that dog, I never kept that a secret. So why, now, do I have to keep my grief a secret. Why must I hold my tongue, nod my head and smile, when people continue to be so insensitive. Am I asking too much for my sadness to be acknowledged and accepted? That people watch what they say around me? Just not sure how to deal anymore. Not sure I can continue biting my tongue.
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