I just stumbled across this website because I'm out of my mind with grief over the loss of my beloved dog, Zoey. He was a male Lhasa Apso, yes, with a girl's name. He had already been named by a little girl when I got him, so I never changed it. Anyway, I always called him my "little man". I lost him on Aug. 18th, so it'll be a week tomorrow and I had hoped things would get better, but they seem to be getting worse. I had had him for twelve years and I can't even begin to imagine a life without him. He had always been so healthy and very agile for a twelve year old dog, so it came as a complete surprise when he became sick, overnight, and after I rushed him to the vet and was told nothing could be done to save him, my whole world fell apart.
I brought him back home to spend a few more cherished days with him, but I could tell he was in pain and suffering, though he tried to be brave for me. I finally realized that the most loving thing I could do for him was to end his pain. Having him put to sleep was the most difficult thing I've ever had to do. No parent could love a child more than I loved him. I brought his little body back home, wrapped in his favorite quilt, and dug his grave in the garden behind our home. He loved to play there and I knew that's where he would want to be placed.
Since I'm a man, I can't seem to find a way to express my grief to most people in my circle without sounding like a wimp, but after finding this site, I'm hoping someone can tell me that this unbearable pain I'm feeling will some how get better. My whole life has changed without him--I don't even want to come home from work anymore because I know he won't be there to greet me and I can't stand the thought of never seeing or holding him again. It's so bad, the second day after his death, I went to his grave and in a moment of complete insanity, I thought about digging him up just so I could hold him one more time. I came to my senses and didn't do it but I'm beginning to wonder if my grief is normal. I just can't stop thinking about him. Someone, please tell me how to get through this without losing my mind.
---Jim

Dear Jim:

If you had to come to any pet grief site Jim, I am happy that you came here.

Please accept my condolences on the loss of your precious, "little man"....
Twelve years is a long time to have a sweet little furdog in your life.....(it's never long enough), but
12 years is long enough to give love, and develop a beautiful relationship.
Your "little man" was your son....
Fully and completely!!

I have been a part of the Lightning Strikes "family" since the early morning hours of 2/8/2004....
And, there are soooooooooooooooo many wonderful people here..... You will receive much love
and comfort and support.

A very wise person said to me, after we had to put our beloved girl (Ernestine) to sleep on 2/7/2004.....
YOU TOOK ON ERNESTINE'S PAIN........SO THAT SHE COULD BE WITHOUT PAIN.........

Nothing made sense to me for a long, long time............but that one statement DID....

And Jim, that's exactly what you did for your little man.....

You did the most caring and loving thing that ANYONE COULD EVER EVER DO, FOR THEIR FURBABY who is ill.

You loved your little man enough to let him go into St. Francis' loving arms....
And, your sweet and precious little man is now at a place called Rainbow's Bridge.....

It's a wonderful place where all of our babies go........(whether they be the "furry kind", the "kind with fins",
"the scaly kind", etc...... All of God's wonderful creatures).....

And, they are there playing with one another............
There bodies are whole, there isn't any pain at all.
They are running and jumping "just like you always remember, when your "little man" was healthy".

What I did, when I thought that I would never get through my sweet girls passing................
I stayed on this site, and I read everyone's posts..........

I NEEDED TO SEE HOW PEOPLE GOT THROUGH THIS HORRENDOUS PAIN..........
I couldn't eat....
The pain in my chest was "knife-like"....
I couldn't stop crying....
I had the worst migraine for days and weeks........

I just "couldn't".........

Until I started to post here, (all the time), and soooo many wonderful, beautiful people responded to me
with love and concern.............
I was rambling on & on as I was writing.........but, everyone understood what I was trying to convey....


Dear Jim..............your grief is very, very normal....
And, I am very sorry that you have to go through this....

But, please know that your little man THANKS YOU FOR LETTING HIM GO............
To a place where there is no more pain.

And, LITTLE MAN DOESN'T HURT ANYMORE..........HE'S LIKE HE WAS WHEN HE WAS A HEALTHY LITTLE GUY....

You gave him a wonderful gift, Jim, by letting him go.....

He is totally in bliss now, and in spirit.....
We are left on this earth, in our human bodies, and we can feel pain.....

Your little man, and my Ernestine, and everyone's baby on this site...........
They are still with us all....
And, they always & forever will be..........

Only, they are with us in a very different way..
Little Man........... He lives on now, in your heart, in your soul and in your mind!!!!
Very important that you always remember that, my friend....

It hurts, and it hurts like HELL, and yes, we all hate it............
But, the pain does get better............after lots of tears....

If all of our tears could make another huge ocean, there would be one, for sure.

Tears...........they help to heal.....

There are men who come onto this site, Jim.......
We all cry...........
We are human for goodness sake....

God gave us emotions, and it doesn't matter that I'm a woman and you're a man.....
We cry....
It hurts!!

Please, pick different names on this site, and read all the posts by them....
See how their journey in healing went, or, how it is still going.....

It has been said that FOR EVERY YEAR YOU HAVE HAD YOUR FURBABY, it takes one full month of healing/year.

Losing a furbaby is a terrible loss and it affects most all people as badly as any loss.

Please, know that you are in my thoughts and in my prayers.....

Your quote..................."I finally realized that the most loving thing I could do for him was to end his pain."

Yes, it was the most loving thing that you could do....
And, I know that your sweet little man thanks you for that!!!

He will never ever be far away from you....
He's in your heart....
And there, he will stay, forever.....

Peace & Love,

Denise & Ben

Dear Jim,
Well first off I had a male cat who was named "Ginger"..its a long story but I didn't change his name either above the protests of my vet's assistant who felt I should change it to "George". That is my boy in my avatar.
I too honestly felt I was going "bonkers" when Ginger died. Ginger was only 8 but he was a really a VERY important part of my life...well, quite honestly he really was like a "kid" to me--and I have a feeling from reading your post that you were equally "invested" in loving your Zoey. When an animal takes up a good deal of your daily "every day" life as your Zoey did you are quite entitled to full blown 110% total grief because of your loss. And you did not know what was coming so you have that shock added in. Losing your best pal is hard enough but to get it from left field as you did is all the more befuddling and you are probably still in that surreal/unreal state where you still feel numb and dazed.
I had Ginger cremated otherwise I might have had the same reaction to wanting to "dig him up"--I can totally relate.
The last dog I ever owned was my Lhasa Apso. They are the most remarkable breed of dog! I hope that you will post Zoey's photo if you can and maybe when you feel up to it you can also post a tribute on the memorial page. Some of this stuff may sound like you will prolong your grief but most people find that being able to talk and write about their experiences and about their unique friendship is helpful in the journey of healing. It is going to be awhile before you feel alright...but you sure have folks here that know exactly what you are talking about. You'll never have anyone minimize your feelings here, because we have all walked a mile in your shoes and we have all wanted to hold our "kid" one more time.
There was a poster here whose dog's name was Arnold. Once she wrote: "I had to accept that Arnold's time had come". ...Maybe you can look up a few of her posts. She did so well with coming to terms with her loss. It sure has taken me a long long time to agree that Ginger's "time had come" since his death was preventable (we ran over him ourself in our own driveway). But I am accepting it and my feelings are not as "raw" as they were at the start. I know that you will slowly adapt. The "coming home" thing is something everyone finds very painful.
Your Zoey is at the rainbow bridge now, playing scampering and cavorting just like he did when the little girl named him. He is free from all pain and he will be there whenever you show up to be reunited with him. Love does not die with the body and nothing on heaven or earth will keep apart those who love. I am thinking of you! You are among friends here.
Love,
Patti

Dear Jim,

I am deeply deeply sorry for the loss of your "little man". It's funny that you called him that because that is what I called my Snoops from the moment he entered my life to the moment he left. I lost my Snoops after 16.5 yrs. I had the luxury of knowing him from the time he was a few days old until his last day. Your baby sounds like a wonderful friend.

My Snoops passed on September 6, 2003. So for me it has almost been a year. I wish I had words to take some of the pain away but I am not that poetic. What I can tell you is that as time passes it does get easier to get through the day and the pain while stil there is not as intense. For me the first month was the hardest and then for some reason it started to get a little better. A very good friend of mine told me that when the pain gets too bad to think of the funny things Snoops would do that made me laugh. This was very good advice as it helped me tremendously to get through the grief. It is very hard to do at first but with practice it does get easier.

It sounds like your boy had a great life with you and what wonderful thing that is to have. The tears are actually very healing and you should not be afraid of them. Your little man is still with you ... he is in your heart and in your soul. He is as much a part of you as you are a part of him. I know that where he is now is young and not in pain anymore. He is however waiting for you and he can be patient.

Wanting to dig up his grave seems to me a perfectly normal thing. I had Snoops cremated and plan to have his ashes buried with me when my time comes.

Sending you lots of cyber hugs to help you get through the next few months. Feel free to post whenever you want. Noone here will ever be anything but supportive.

Hugs,
Beth

Dear Jim,
I am so, so sorry about Zoey. You have found the right place to express your feelings and share your grief. We have all been through much of the same, in one way or another. There are wonderful people here who all will listen and understand. Unfortunately, out there in the "every day" world, a lot of people don't seem to relate to the grief we feel over the loss of our animal "children." I imagine that is even more so for a guy. That is sad too. We have all shared a love that we would not have traded for anything in the whole world. Not to have known the love of our babies would be the greatest loss.

I had my little Hannah, an almost 16-year old Yorkie Poo, put to sleep on April 19. It was also the most difficult thing I've ever had to do. I buried her in a friend's yard. When the vet gave her the shot, I wished I could have had him give me one too in a way, so I could just go with her. I think about her little body in the ground there, and I too have thought about the digging up thing. Of course, those are just thoughts apparently many of us share.

I am so sorry to say that it will get worse before it gets better. It's so soon for you, you're probably still sort of in shock. On the four week "anniversary," I thought I would lose my mind. It's a long story, but you can read my posts too. It's been 4+ months now, and my heart isn't quite as heavy every single day, but it's still really, really difficult. I miss that little child so very much. I too would dearly love to hold her once again and see that beautiful little face of hers. Our lives won't ever be the same again, but I know from having lost my parents a long time ago, that we will feel better one day. The best thing we can do is to let the love we shared live on in our hearts, as it surely will -- to be better people because of the blessing we were given to have had our babies.

I hope you will keep coming to this site and read the many posts here. I wish I could be of more comfort to you, but my heart has been aching so lately for my little girl. I am in the process of moving to another apartment, and I am so sad to leave the last place where my little girl lived.

Please take care of yourself and know that your little man, Zoey, knew how very much you loved him and remember how very much he loved you. You did what you had to do -- FOR ZOEY -- not for yourself, not because it was what you wanted to do. Zoey depended on you, and you loved him enough not to let him suffer. Bless you, Jim, in this most devastating time. My heart goes out to you. (By the way, I know the world would be a better, kinder place if there were more men (and women too) out there with a heart like yours!)
Marcia
Baby Hannah's Mom and Babe's Mom

Dear Jim,

I am so sorry for your loss. I lost "my little boy" Stymy, August 16th, 2004. I also had to put him to sleep. You are right, that was the hardest thing I had to do, it just rips your soul all to peices.

What has helped me get through this ordeal was this web site and other pet loss web sites. Also I made a small memoral to him. In his favorite room (the kitchen) I put his picture, favorite toy, and flowers from from the garden he enjoyed. That helps putting my energy to his memory. I also wrote a letter to his previous owner thanking her for him and letting her know that Stymy and I had a great life to gether. I am still writing a letter to my vet. My vet and her staff helped me in many ways so again a tribute to Stymy.

I have also started reading a few animal loss books. There is a link lighting that suggest a few books.

I had alot of built up emotions that I had to deal with so I tried to make it constructive. I hope my suggestions help in some way. And I guess if I can help you in a small way I did it in honor of "my little boy" Stymy.

Love and Belief,
Vic

Hi Jim. My baby Arnold - a ~~zhu - died on August 1 and I was crazy with grief. I work full time in a professional environment so had much the same time as you, perhaps, with needing to find someone to talk to, to cry to - someone who could understand what I was feeling. Although I tried very hard not to cry at work, when I was able to head for the bathroom or hide in my office I'd let a few tears go. I looked awful and people did ask me what was wrong with my eyes. At home I cried and cried and cried that first week. The ONLY thing that saved me from getting completely wrung out with grief was this site. The people here are wonderful and let me tell my story (funny how just being able to tell your story, and include all the good, bad and ugly, can help!). They helped me see that everything I did for Arnold - right or wrong - was done out of love for him. That we are all only human and we make our decisions based on what we know at the time; hindsight is a luxury we don't have at that decision-making time.

I yearn with my whole heart to hold him again and hug him and love him. Arnold is buried in my garden - oops - it's Arnold's garden now - and I had the same urges as you did to hold him one more time. Now I just make sure to kiss his picture whenever I need him.

Jim - I am so sorry you lost your "Little Man." Every one of us knows the searing pain you are feeling. I am glad, though, that you found us.

The day Arnold died I wrote him a letter. It helped me to post that letter that in the memorials section. It was sort of my final goodbye (since I didn't get to say goodbye to him) and my apology for not being there and not saving him. You might want to do something like that - write to your little one and tell him how you feel. And if you need to - do it every day! We all understand.

Nanci

Jim,

I read your post and know exactly how you feel. In this world it seems that it is seen as perfectly normal for a female to be very emotional but not so for a man. We are supposed to grin and bear it so to speak. Well let me tell you that that idea is totally bull. I have seen many of my male friends who would consider themselves to be very manly and strong emotionally totally lose it over the death of their pet. Though they only showed this side of theirselves with certain friends as they felt that anyone else would mock them for being a wuss.

I too would consider myself to be a very hard person who as a result of his adult life experience's has become hardened and almost immune emotionally to most that I see in this world. When I lost my little guy a few months ago I felt just like you. I was completely devastated by the loss and the fact that I would never be able to see or hold him again. He was the most important thing in my life. He gave nothing but love and comfort and asked for little in return. What more could you ask for?

Though my ozzie was old and not feeling 100% I never expected him to just suddenly die in my arms as he did. I was in total shock and I held him for hours knowing that this would be the last time I could do it. It was very difficult for me to bury him in the flower garden and seeing him laying in that hole made me feel like I wished I was there with him. After that I was totally out of it for many weeks and felt that the world had ended for me.

I would constantly think about him and didn't eat for a week. My chest ached so much that I felt that I would un-doubtedly have a heart attack. Well the pain slowly subsided and I came to terms with the blow that I was dealt. I still think about him and talk to him every day and that gives me some comfort up to this day.

The point to all this is that you shouldn't be afraid to have strong emotions for a beloved pet. Why should it be any easier to lose a cherished pet than a loved human? The loss felt is the same if not worse. I had no problem showing my grief as it mattered not to me whether someone else approved or not. I knew that there would be plenty of people who would understand and for those that didn't I considered them to be the one's that should be pittied. Further I believe that having love for a creature other than your own species brings you closer to god. It is a positive thing that you are able to give of yourself to all creatures. No one and nothing on this earth has an easy time of it and helping and giving of yourself to those things put here by god has to be good thing.

Remember to just go with the emotions. After a little while it will become easier and less painful. Believe me I know. You will never forget your little friend as I will never forget mine but things will get better and one day you will be able to think about him without feeling the need to cry and maybe instead you will even smile. Take care.

What you said is so true, John. Here's a poem I've shared before, but I would like you both to read it also.
Marcia
Baby Hannah's Mom and Babe's Mom

We need another and a wiser and perhaps a more mystical concept of animals. Remote from the universal nature, and living by complicated artiface, man in civilization surveys the creature through the glass of his knowledge and sees thereby a feather magnified and the whole image in distortion. We patronize them for their incompleteness, for their tragic fate of having taken form so far below ourselves. And therein we err. For the animal shall not be measured by man. In a world older and more complete than ours they move finished and complete, gifted with extensions of the senses we have lost or never attained, living by voices we shall never hear. They are not brethren, they are not underlings; they are other nations, caught with ourselves in the net of life and time; fellow prisoners of the splendor and travail of the earth.
From THE OUTER MOST HOUSE, by Henry Beston. Reprinted by Holt, Rinehart & Winston. Copyrite 1928, 1956

Hannah's last vet had this on the wall in his office. If only everyone could understand this.

Hey, men have feeling like women do, its nothing to be ashamed about, you loved your little man like a son.
I went through the same thing on the first of july, I had to put scooby to sleep as he slipped a disk in his back at the age of 14. he also was so young for his age and acted like a pup and my life still isnt the same, every night STILL, I cry, I have his ashes in a box as I know I will move house so I dont want him where I cant see him if you know what I mean.
the grief is normal, i was unconsolable for a month after scoobys death, now i cry myself to sleep. so no your not wierd, your human.

I am so sorry for your loss. I still find it tough to go home - my cat Oswald would always greet me at the door, even when his health started failing. We shared so many years together that life doesn't seem quite the same without him. It has been a little over two months, and the grief is starting to lift. I am starting to remember the good times we shared and the way he was when he was younger and healthier, not just the last years.

You and your little man were blessed with each other's love. The grief is proof of your great capacity to love.

Baby Hannahs Mom,

(We need another and a wiser and perhaps a more mystical concept of animals. Remote from the universal nature, and living by complicated artiface, man in civilization surveys the creature through the glass of his knowledge and sees thereby a feather magnified and the whole image in distortion. We patronize them for their incompleteness, for their tragic fate of having taken form so far below ourselves. And therein we err. For the animal shall not be measured by man. In a world older and more complete than ours they move finished and complete, gifted with extensions of the senses we have lost or never attained, living by voices we shall never hear. They are not brethren, they are not underlings; they are other nations, caught with ourselves in the net of life and time; fellow prisoners of the splendor and travail of the earth.)

No truer words were ever spoken. Man's arrogance and ignorance really amazes me so times.

Hi Everyone,

I just wanted to thank all you for your kindness and help during my time of loss. Before I found this website, I honestly thought I was losing my mind. It helped tremendously just to be able to talk about my loss and learn the feelings I'm having are the same as most people's who have lost a pet.

You have all helped me more than you know. The fog is beginning to lift a little for me, so I'm beginning to see things a little more clearly. Now that I'm coming to terms with my own loss, maybe I too will be able to offer comforting words of wisdom to others in pain.

You are a wonderful bunch of people and I thank God for all of you and this website.

Thanks again,
--Jim

Hi Jim,

I also had to put down my best buddy who was 12 years old, he was a sweet English Setter. So sweet. What happened with him was extremely sudden too -- he was fine one minute and then essentially gone the next. He had a grand mal seizure out of nowhere one night, it lasted about a minute but he basically died right then. When he got up he could walk but had lost almost all of his personality - he knew his name and us and to go out to pee, but all of his habits and quirkes were GONE; also he was having trouble using all his legs correctly to walk, it seemed he could eat only out of one side of his mouth, it seemed he had gone blind in one eye too -- he went from being full of life (just beginning to show his age) to all of that and worse in the space of one minute. After a week of pacing, etc - his story is in my thread here - I had to let him go. I think part of me went with him.

I have been having irrational urges too - at first, I was looking all over the house at the spots where he'd been, looking for *something*, I don't even know what it was. I had an overwhelming urge to inspect the carpet where he fell and had the seizure, I mean down on my hands and knees just peering at it! I did the same thing with the back of the car where he laid as we took him to the ER clinic that last night; and the same thing to where he laid resting on the steps, and the same with his big cushion bed in the living room. I knew there would be nothing in any of these places, maybe some of his hair at most, but I had to look, I had to examine them. It's almost like I had the feeling that I will find him there. I did take my good long examining look at these places, I knew it was irrational but I had to do it and the urge is gone now.

I also felt like gathering up every one of his hairs that are still stuck in the carpets and the couch etc, and kissing each one. An impossible task even if I were to try!! And I dread each day that is going by, it has been 19 days as of today since the seizure, and it has already been 11 days since that final day at the vets. It's like I want to go back in time, or at least stay as close to the days he was here as possible, I don't want time to go by. It's taking him furthur from me. The past few nights I have been having dreams about him too, I didn't at first. But I dreamt he is in a bed down in the basement and dead but not dead if you know what I mean, you know how dreams are.. and in my dream I am always thinking that I am going down there to give him a hug -- then I wake up. It takes me a minute to figure out that he's really not downstairs and I can't go hug him... he used to sit by the back steps above the backdoor, watching for squirrels or something, and I would sneak up behind him and give him a big hug from behind and scratch his chest and whisper in his ear I loved him. He was a big dog, 70 lbs, great to give hugs to.

Well, here's a cyberhug for you Jim ((((jim))))
and for all of us.

I just wanted to add, Jim, that I also hit a really low point at a little over a week after. The first couple of days I was just kinda numb, then I went through a phase where if I kept talking about him I wouldn't feel like crying but as soon as I stopped talking I would cry; then I had two awful days where all I did was cry all day, I was home and I just couldn't stop.

Since I went through those two days, and also my examining phase and alot of internal second-guessing etc, I have been much calmer the past few days and I've only cried two or three times a day, which I think is ok, I really miss my little loverbug, he was with me 24/7. I think I have come to an acceptance of him passing, it was quite a shock and all I could think at first was that he was not supposed to die now, not NOW, and not like he did.

But I am finally accepting that he did; I was fighting it in my mind.
Accepting it brings you peace.
It just takes time.