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Joined: 11-May 06
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Last Seen: 11th July 2012 - 10:56 PM
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sheltiecalicolover

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28 Mar 2008
Okay, I have to admit that I'm finding myself extremely irritated when I'm around people who don't "get" the love of animals. I don't want to feel this way. I love people too, but I just don't want to be around anyone right now who doesn't understand people who have bonds with animals. I wonder if there is a gene or something, like some people can curl their tongues and some can't - maybe they can't help it and they are genetically, biologically incapable of understanding or loving animals.

I guess that sounds kind of harsh - chalk it up to grief. If my theory is correct, then they can't help it anyway, so why am I complaining...
10 Mar 2008
It has been hard for me to come to LS very often because the pain of losing Kandy was so awful and my anticipatory grief for Kirby was too hard. Last night Kirby went to the Bridge and the agony of losing him is unbearable. He has been by my side for 16 and a half years and I honestly don't know what to do without him. I have ordered my whole life around him, especially in the last couple of years when he stopped being able to climb stairs. He slept next to my bed every night and I would wake up many times, look at his bed to make sure he was okay, and would go back to sleep feeling that all was well. We put a baby gate at the top of the stairs because he was losing so much of his vision we didn't want him to fall down them. So every morning the first thing he would do is go to the gate and wait for me to take him outside. I (or my husband) carried him down, let him out, and waited for him to be ready to come in. He didn't spend that much time outside anymore, just wanted to be inside with us. At night we would carry him back upstairs and he would settle in to sleep next to me. We haven't traveled since Kandy died because I didn't want to kennel Kirby alone. He was such a great dog.

I miss him so much and I just need help getting myself together.
29 May 2006
It's been two weeks since I lost Kandy. I have been doing better for the most part, but tonight I am unable to sleep and can't stop crying. I miss everything about her, her eyes, ears, fur, nose, kisses, paws, everything.

I have had lots of nightmares about losing Kirby (my other sheltie) now. He is 3 years older than she was, and acting old. He sleeps next to my bed and I keep waking up to make sure he's still breathing. I can't get the moment out of my head when Kandy stopped breathing. I don't ever want to see that again. Kirby has always been my troublemaker - we used to get complaints from neighbors all the time about his barking, and he used to try to escape a lot. But in the last few years he has turned into a calm, gentle soul, probably in part because we believe he has lost most of his hearing. Sounds used to make him crazy. Now he sleeps and snuggles all the time. I know he misses Kandy too.

I have read so many people's stories about picking up their dog's ashes. I keep thinking that if I have made it through this much, surely I can get through that. But I know I will cry being at the vet without her, and I'm also worried that they will not really be Kandy's remains. How do I know? Has anybody else ever had this fear?

Thanks for letting me vent. I guess it's best to have meltdowns in the middle of the night while the family is sleeping. I wish I could pet Kandy so bad right now!!! I miss her so much...
15 May 2006
I made the difficult switch from the pet sickness and disease forum to the Death one. I still can't believe Kandy died yesterday. I have found immeasurable comfort from the people on this board and from the things sent to me (thank you Karen!) I wish I could say that comfort stays with me, but I am having an unbelievably difficult time just getting through everyday things.

Twelve years ago Kandy was in a pet store in a small town in Texas. I already had Kirby and whenever I saw Kandy there I thought I should bring her home to Kirby, but my husband said we couldn't have another pet. I got to the point where I was stopping by the pet store every day on my way home from work, praying that someone would have bought her. There she was, always, just looking at me with those doe-like eyes. She never had any water in her cage. I started asking them every day to give her water. One day they asked if I wanted to hold her. When I held her, she looked up at me with those beautiful eyes, and peed all over me. She seemed so afraid and she needed a home so badly. I went home and begged my husband to let me have her. I asked the pet store what would happen to her. They said they were about to send her back to the breeder because nobody was buying her. I HATE pet stores, so I made a deal with them that if they sent her back to the breeder that day, I would go buy her from the breeder.

We went to the breeder's house and I knew I had made the right decision. There were small kids everywhere not being nice to the puppies, especially Kandy because she was the runt and couldn't get away that easily. She was so skinny. I wondered if she would ever get long sheltie hair. Living with us, she became the fluffiest, chunkiest furball you have ever seen.

From the moment I brought her home, she was afraid of anything that moved except for me and Kirby. Over time, she grew less afraid but she never did let strangers pet her (except for vet and kennel people). When it was time to start our family, people told me that my dogs would take a back seat and our relationship would change. This made me so sad. When I was pregnant with my first child, I sat down with my dogs and had a very tearful conversation with them (no, they didn't talk back but we were still having a conversation). I vowed to them that they would always be as important to me as that day, and I held true to that promise. They only became more important to me over time. They never took a back seat. I loved them unconditionally and they gave me that love back, the kind of love that can be found nowhere else on earth.

Kirby really watched out for Kandy. When the vet came yesterday to put Kandy to sleep, we let Kirby smell Kandy and I thought it would help him understand. But today I see him sniffing all over the place for her. It is breaking my heart even more. I guess I always thought he would go first because he is 3 years older. I never pictured this scenario.

My 8yo daughter made a bag the other day when Kandy was sick, brought it to me and told me we could keep all of Kandy's stuff in there when she was gone. When Kandy, died, she brought out the bag. Her leash is in there (totally smells like her), letters from the kids, pictures of Kandy with angel wings drawn by my son, her slew of meds that she never even had a chance to take, and the two pictures of her that I took the day before she died. She looks so beautiful and healthy it is unfathomable what happened to her in the last hours. My 6yo son takes out the bag from time to time, arranges all of these things in little rows, and sits there staring at them, sometimes crying. Then he neatly puts everything away until the next time he pulls it out.

This morning I wanted to put her tag on my keychain. I can't find her collar anywhere and it is making me panic. I keep crying, looking everywhere for it. I took it off during one of her last baths. She never really wore it except for at the kennel. I need to find it.

We have firefighter alert stickers on all of our doors, telling how many dogs and cats there are in the house in case of fire. My 10yo daughter told me yesterday I need to change the 2 to a 1. Is this pain ever going to subside?

I am in the guilt stage right now. I felt like I was doing the right things for the last 4 days, but now in retrospect I keep thinking how she must have felt when suddenly she couldn't see anything but black, she was dry heaving and pooping blood. How did it get this bad this fast and why couldn't I help her? Did she know how much I loved her in the end when she didn't even seem to realize I was there?

Thanks for being there everybody. I'm so glad there are people out there who understand the pain - I don't think anybody in my immediate surroundings really "gets it."

Erin
14 May 2006
Kandy went to be with her Creator this afternoon. She was suffering so badly, bleeding and showing signs of sudden blindness. I can't believe how fast this all happened. Two weeks ago she seemed like a happy go lucky little pup (albeit elderly) without a care in the world. By noon today she couldn't stand up without falling over, bleeding from her behind, panting, foaming at the mouth because of all the vomit.

The vet got the messages I left at the clinic and came to my house. Kandy died peacefully here in the house and is finally out of all of her pain. Now the hurt only intensifies for me. I miss her so much already, she was my rock, my friend, my companion, I can't believe she's gone.

Thank you Lightning Strike for this forum. I don't know what I would have done without it. I'm sure I'll be here often.

Erin
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