I didn't realize how quiet my house would be without Hiway. He was such a mamas boy that just me moving from room to room woke him from his naps and required a quiet "not leaving without you buddy". A trip to the bathroom required him checking on me, just in case aliens were trying to take me away or I might happen to slip down the drain.
It's a beautiful day, but I can't make myself work in the yard, because he was always there watching. I would like to go to the river, but he was always there, the river was his favorite place in the whole world. I don't even want to drive to the grocery store, because my back seat will be empty. I'll forget he's gone and look in the rearview mirror to check which window to open. The weather is lovely and there is no wind; a perfect day for the paddle board. But there is no one to sit at my feet, and who would I blame for losing their balance should I tip over?
His leash and squeaky ball are in my car. His collar is clipped on my purse. His bed is under the window, beside my bed. His rug is under the table. Kitten sleeps on his rug, she misses her friend too. When I got home from the river yesterday after letting Hiway go I picked her up and she sniffed me for almost a minute then curled up under the table on their rug. There must have been a story in the scent. I hope it wasn't scary. The same thing happened with Hiway after Mimi died. Hiway came right to me like he always did, but after he smelled me he went to a corner and curled up. They can smell when their friends die. I don't know if it's in my scent, or if it's a scent the animal who died left, but they know.
I don't think I should have done things differently. Hiway was ready. Both the quality of life scale and he himself told me that. But I don't want it to be true. I will have to go to work tomorrow. It will be the first time I've gone to work without him (other than teaching classes) since January. I left a squeaky ball in the office by accident last week. I know it's there, and I know I will cry when I find it. The stairs I had to carry him down. The spot under the desk where he slept (right by the fan, of course so there was a lovely eau de dog in the room). My car is the worst. He loved going for rides. He couldn't walk by the car without waiting, just in case I might open the door and we might go somewhere magical.
I miss him so much. He was such a shy, quiet boy. Everyone says their dog was the "best". There were a lot of things that scared Hiway. Me crying terrified him. He would cram himself into the smallest corner he could (pretty amazing sometimes for an 80lb lab). I think maybe his first people had cried when they beat him and threw him out to die. Being with him made me stronger than I really am. New situations and lots of people frightened him, I needed to me calm and reassuring no matter what, or he wasn't going. Being with him made me braver than I really am. He never demanded attention. He would quietly wait and watch and hope for someone to play with him or talk to him. Being with him made me more caring that I was before. He loved (oh how he loved) to run and play. Being with him made me more athletic and stronger than I really am. He was uncomfortable with praise, with people watching him and commenting on him. Being with him reminded me to be quiet and unassuming. (being as I went to college on a speech/drama scholarship, that was tough for me). When strangers wanted to play with him (assuring him that "all dogs love me") I had to be firm and tell them no, he really didn't love them, they were scaring the crap out of him and they needed to back off. Being with him made me more assertive than I really was.
I've had dogs who I thought were the "best", and of course I think Hiway was the best dog for me. But he was the only dog who made me better. He was my friend and now he's gone and I am so sad and lonely. I don't want to see people, go somewhere or do something. I just miss him, and I want him back.

Hi, lytlewren, thank you so very much for sharing with us how you're doing, and this beautiful tribute to your and your beloved Hiway's earthly journey together. Oh how much I understand the ache in your heart and the emptiness in your minutes, hours, days. Oh how so well I understand your aching want to have your beloved Hiway back.

I share with you all the ways your beloved Hiway "made you a better and stronger person than what you are." And now you are facing one of the most painful experiences you will ever know on this side of eternity: Having to find a way to re-invent your daily routines that no longer include the physical presence of your beloved Hiway. I feel the painful emptiness you are feeling, lytlewren, and the despair in not wanting to go anywhere or do anything. But even though your beloved Hiway is no longer physically beside you, I hope and pray you will find comfort in knowing that his sweet Living Spirit continues to share your earthly journey just as he always has and always will. Through the eternal love you and your beloved Hiway share I promise you will find the strength to endure through this most painful grief adjustment journey. And along with your beloved Hiway, please know each of us are here for you - - walking beside you through every moment holding you up when you feel you cannot go on. We are here for you for as long and as often as you need us, lytlewren.

I hope today is treating you kindly, lytlewren, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Hiway's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, lytlewren, and that I look forward to knowing how you're doing, and to sharing your treasured memories of your beloved Hiway

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Hello Lytlewren

My heart goes out to you with the homegoing of Mr Hiway. Oh how I can relate to the title of your thread "So Quiet, So Empty." I'm going through something right now and I will write more later, but I just wanted to you to know how badly I feel that yet another person has to go through the So Empty, So Silent.

Until tomorrow,

Gretta's mom

Hi there. I just wanted to say I am so very sorry for your loneliness. I understand how you feel. I also had a Lab who was a very shy boy. And oh how he loved his rides in the car too! Your Hiway sounds like a very special boy. I can tell just from your writing that the love you two shared was tremendous. I am so sorry you are going through this. I know how achingly quiet a house can be without the presence of a lovely Lab. They touch your heart and soul in such a special way. I know there is not a thing anyone can say to make the hurting stop, but I just wanted to reach out to you and say that I am familiar with that terrible pain. Everyone else here is as well. I hope you are doing okay

hello
I AM SO SORRY FOR THE LOSS OF YOUR CLOSET FRIEND.I KNOW THAT FEELING ALL TO WELL.I TOO LOST MY FUR BABY TWO MONTHS AGO AND THERE IS NOT ONE DAY THAT GOES BY THAT I DONT CRY.AND NOT JUST TEARS ,I CRY HARD FOR MY FRIEND.I MISS HIM SO MUCH,ALL I KNOW IS THAT THEY TELL ME IN TIME THE PAIN WILL LESSON.AND I HOPE THEIR RIGHT.IF YOU WOULD LIKE TO TALK PLEASE SEND ME A MESSAGE.I AM AGAIN VERY SORRY FOR WHAT YOUR GOING THRU AND YOUR LOSS.

Dear lytlewren,
I'm so sorry for the loss of your dear friend Hiway. I know personally the pain of loss of a dear companion and the emptiness and hole in the heart feeling. Hiway was so clearly loved by you. I wish you strength, comfort and send good thoughts your way.

I thought I was doing better, not crying so much. But last night we boat camped. It was the first time since Hiway has been gone that I've gone out on the boat. I kept missing him sitting in his favorite spot. I missed him on the paddle board with me, missed his trust and love. Just missed him so much. He would've loved the beach we found it was like dog heaven, more sticks than he could have possibly fetched, even in his young and healthy days. There were more people than he would've liked, he didn't like it noisy any more than I do, so we'd have spent more time exploring together than with everyone on the boats. I made it through last night and this morning but then when I fed Kitten today there was a piece of his food in her dish somehow and I just lost it. I miss him so much.
I know I was lucky to have had time to make special memories with him and give him as much time as possible, but I would give anything to have him back.

i wish i knew the words to say that would take away your pain.it has been 3 months since i lost my muppie and still it hurts so bad at times i think i will die.i dont know how to make the hurting go away i think you never get over it but somehow you find a way to live with it because you have no choice really cause life goes on,even when it feels like it shouldnt.in time the pain will lesson it wont be quite as sharp.thats what they tell me anyways.i know how bad you hurt inside i know you miss your baby and i know how lonely u feel.if u need to talk send me a message.i would love to hear from you

Hi, lytlewren, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. This grief adjustment journey is very painful - - both emotionally and physically. It is a journey of finding ways to "re-invent" our daily routines that no longer include the physical presence of our beloved companions. The first year is universally recognized as the hardest because it is filled with all the "first withouts" - - the first holiday, the first vacation, the first week, the first hour, the first day, the first anniversary, and on and on and on. And sometimes it is the simplest of things - - such as finding a piece of your beloved Hiway's food in Kitten's dish -- that can be the sword that pierces our heart anew with deep sorrow.

It is times like these when words seem so meaningless - - empty platitudes - - but please let me try to reassure you that in time - - in your own way and in your own time - - this deep seering pain of loss will ease, and your heart will once again find the strength and happiness to continue on with your earthly journey, for this is what your beloved Hiway wants for you. His sweet Living Spirit is with you now encouraging you and sharing your earthly journey just as he always has and always will - - for he is forever a part of you, lytlewren - - he is always and forever a heartbeat close to you. And each of us are also with you for as long and as often as you need us.

I hope today is treating you kindly, lytlewren, and that you will have a very peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Hiway's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you and your precious Kitten are in my thoughts and prayers, and that I look forward to knowing how you're doing, and to sharing your treasured memories of your beloved Hiway.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Dear lytlewren,

I was so moved by your post, I feel your pain, I feel your joy, I feel your love for Hiway. I cried for your loss, and also laughed out loud (the aliens in the bathroom (thankyou for that)).

What a beautiful tribute to your friend, I know it hurts and I know you will feel this way for a long time to come, but I do see hope in the phrase "I don't think I should have done things differently". You did your best for him, and in the end I think that is all any of us can hope for.

with all good thoughts
kerri

Hiway has been gone since July 20th. He had bone cancer, he was 11 years old. Friends found him on the side of the freeway in the middle of the night, he was just a little fur ball, beaten, bruised and fearful. He never lost his distrust of the world in general, he was very much a one family dog. His big brothers passed away before him; Mimi died at 15 a year ago and little Ami died at 14, 18 months ago. When Hiways brothers died, he was so sad and lonesome, he refused to eat for over a week until finally he ate with our cat one evening.
He went everywhere with me after his brothers died. I just couldn't bear to leave him. All his life he'd had his brothers for company and he was so sad when he was alone. He went to work with me, shopping, traveling, we went everywhere together. Most of the time I'm ok. I haven't broken down and just friend for months, but tonight I can't stop.
I went for a walk yesterday where I used to take all the boys several years ago. There was a couple there with a black lab. Maybe that was it. I don't know. I sure miss my boys.

Hi, lytlewren, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. Please let me try to offer you some words of comfort. This grief journey has many ups and downs, twists and turns, and turnarounds - - especially when we think we have come through the worst part of it something happens - - a song, a memory, going to a favorite place, etc. - - when we find ourselves feeling like our hearts are breaking anew. Please let me try to reassure you that what you are feeling is very normal grief, even and especially 6 months since your beloved Hiway transitioned home to the angels. There is no date on the calendar that you can look at which will indicate that you will no longer feel any sorrow - - but I assure you that in your own way and in your own time you will begin to notice that the sorrow in your heart is not so difficult to bear.

And until that time comes for you, lytlewren, please know we are here for you. There are no expiration dates here to share with us what is in your heart.

I hope today is treating you kindly, lytlewren, and that you will have a very peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Hiway's, Mimi's, and Ami's sweet Living Spirits to comfort you. Please know you and your precious Kitten are in my thoughts and prayers, and that I look forward to knowing how you're doing, and to sharing your treasured memories of your beloved Hiway.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Hi lytlewren,
You have my sympathies, this kind of pain is the worst. I lost my little man 8/29/12 and there is not a day that's gone by that I haven't cried for him. When you experience that kind of bond, you love deeply, and when our loved ones are no longer physically with us, it hurts deeply. Hiway sounds like he had a life full of fun and adventures. He may have had a rough start, but he found you, and left this world knowing without a doubt he was loved.

You'll be in my thoughts.
PomMom