I'm turning here hopefully for some support and a shoulder to cry on at this time of pain. I think everyone around me is tired of seeing me sulk and cry, but I don't know how to stop. The tears come and go, but the 'pain' in my chest stays. This is my story:

We got Omar as an 8 week pup from a friend of family. The mom was a husky/shep mix, and they think the father was a chow. This was in June 94. He was lucky we loved him so much, because as a pup, he tore EVERYTHING up..including digging two holes in my carpet down to the floor board. (how I would love for him to do this again). We had a 6 mos old baby at the time, and they were so cute together. He was a great dog that never had accidents in the house. He was a healthy dog and didn't cause any medical issues. Until the last 2 yrs or so. He first developed heart disease, but was never needing any meds because I was told his body was compensating for it very well. He developed liver issues shortly there after, but because of his heart issue, the vets didn't want to put him on meds...said it could cause more damage then good. He was seen regularly to make sure he was not getting progressively worse. He did well. Within the last 6 mos or so his weight seemed to go down...enough for me to really notice. But he was eating well...the vet said it's from him being a senior dog...to be expected. In Feb we were advised he had liver cancer...and they really didn't think he would make it much longer. I was advised to just keep loving him like we were. So we did..2x more. About 3 weeks ago he stopped really wanting to eat...and had a day of vomiting. (later I was told by my 11 yr old that he got in their bathroom trash that is hidden). I was worried because I really didn't know what was in the trash...is he sick from something he ate?? The vomiting stopped. I put him on a bland diet of chicken and brown rice. That was a Thursday. Sunday he was vomiting again. It also stopped that day. I called his vet Monday morning...and I was told to continue with his bland diet for 2 days. I did this, but then he wouldn't eat anything after that...and he started with runny stools. I called the vet again Friday morning and was told he would get him on an antibiotic and some meds for his liver...probably bial now in his blood stream...making him not want to eat. I started him on the meds Friday...a week ago...and his appetite seemed to get better, and by Sunday his stools got more normal. Monday night at about midnight, he woke himself, me and my 14 yr old up by making a grunting hacking sound and a gage. He did this off and on til 3:30AM. It seemed to really scare him, and I couldn't help him. I just laid next to him stroking his head. Fell asleep this way. I had to go to work the next morning...but called the vet first. I was advised it sounded like the cancer had spread to his lungs. It was okay for me to let him go. I about died. What? Let him go? I went to work...to get calls thru the day from my 11 yr old crying because he was scared Omar was choking. I called the vet and scheduled him to be euthenized at 6PM. But then I beat myself up all day thinking "what if he just had a cough?" "What if he just needed meds?" So I decided to call the vet and tell them I was bringing him in for an exam at 6 instead. My husband and I did this...and got some sad news. Xrays showed his liver was so large now it was pushing his stomach UP and that is probably why he didn't want to eat...his heart was so large that it was pushing up on his trachia...which was some of the hacking sound...and his lungs were now not clear...and showed signs of cancer. He really wasn't showing any 'illness' by looking at him. Wagged his tail at the techs that came and went...sniffed the room to check what was there...trying to find the treats he knew he got when he left. The vet offered to give him a diaretic that night to make him comfy at home with his breathing...and I could bring him back the next morning. Alone. So we took him home...where he still made his breathing sounds...needed to go out to go potty every hour through the night and drink a ton of water. I left with him the next morning...my kids said their good-byes, but I think they thought I was coming home with him again...he didn't seem "sick". When I got to the vet...the dr was very good to me...but put me on the spot. Left it up to me. Said either way would be "okay". He was not suffering...yet. But could I go through this again? He was having signs of heart failure. What if he did this at home with just my kids home? They would be frantic. But I couldn't bear the thought of making the decision on his life. I called my husband. He told me he was leaving it to me. He really felt Omar needed to go...before he was in pain. But he seemed happy still. It was breaking my heart. After a long 45 min, I decided to let him go...peacefully. They brought in a fuzzy blanket and he sad there on it...while a tech was next to him...and I was at his front...with his face in my hands...while kissing his nose. He eventually started to slowly lay down...and then the vet whispered he was gone. I opened my eyes...to see Omar looking at me peacefully. I stayed there with him for 30 min...crying my eyes out...not taking my eyes off his. Trying to find 'life' in him I guess. There was none. I just stroked his head...his paws...his ears. I'm dying while typing this. How does it get better? I am now angry with myself for making the choice too soon. Who gives me the right to take a life before it's time? I don't know if it would have been easier waiting until he showed signs of illness or not. I couldn't be with him all day like I would have wanted to be. I couldn't bear the thought of losing him while he's alone..but now I am so mad at myself. I'm mad at having to make that choice. Did I jump too soon? He was 14 and 4 mos. Had him longer then my youngest son. Any words of encouragement are welcomed. I feel so alone...but I know I'm not. It's hard to be home...because he was always under foot. Always begging for something. "Talking" to me every time I sat down, because he wanted attention. I miss it all. I was sitting outside last night...starring up at the sky...watching the clouds go by for about 20 min...then I whispered "If you are okay in Heaven Omar...pass a bird my way"..and immediately a bird flew over my path. None had the whole time I was out side. I then whispered "If you still love me Omar, pass a bird my way" Then 4 birds flew over me. It gave me chills...and I'm trying to believe he's truly okay with my decision..and is happy. I hope. His picture is attached from the other month. So sweet. Thanks for reading this if you got thru it. I know it's long. Sorry.

-Marcie

What a beautiful dog. Never doubt yourself. You gave him the a wonderful gift of letting him go in peace. Without strugle.

I know it seems so hard right now. (my loss is still fresh 2 months), but I still feel I can offer a little.
I still feel like peole get tired of me when I have my crying moments. It is ok through I can come here and vent, cry, or talk to my sissycat. Everyone here is willing to listen to anything. Even if it is just babbling. Most of us has been through some sort of loss. We love to read posts of your remembrance stories and look at pictures.

Please post often we are here.

Many hugs to you!!!!!!!!!!

sissycat
"kim"

Thank you 'sissycat'. I'm just at a loss still. The pain is so intense, but I have to be a strong mom to my kids...but it's so hard to hold the tears back. I can't eat...and want to sleep all day. I wish it didn't have to be my decision to take his life while he seemed so 'well'. I know the pain does subside...as I did this 14 yrs ago with my 13 yr old dog Rocky, but he was sick...and I felt it was 'ok'. Omar didn't seem sick...just pictures told me he was.

Hang in there Marcie, I went through something similar with my Candy. In my situation, Candy was barely able to stand by the time I had to make that decision and so far, I still have memories of her in that condition as opposed to her health go-lucky self. I think you made the right decision as awful as it was. I know the level agony you must have been through. Take it from me, memories of her waisting away is alot worse, so the fact that you had time to really think about this and had to make this decision on your own . . . I commend you. You are a wonderful mommy. I had to struggle through tears while reading your post. It brought back alot of memories.

Take care and I'm very sorry for your loss.

Candy's Dad

Hal

Thank you Hal. I followed your story too. Had a good cry. I wish loving something wasn't so painful. It's only been two days, but it feels like eternity he's been away. He relied on me so much...and I miss being there for him. My kids don't need me as much as he did...so I feel alone. The pain is so hard. I'm trying to not feel so much guilt..but it's hard. I'm a giving person..not a taker. And I feel like I took his life.

Omarmommy, I'm so sorry. I am right there with you. I just lost my 16 1/2 year old kitty girl on Sunday. It was a hard decision but in the end I'm sure I made the right decision. I don't have much I can say to comfort you, I'm also hurting terribly right now. But I want you to know how sorry I am and what a cutey your Omar was. Take care.

Thank you Starbellied1975. I'm very sorry for your loss too. We all feel so alone during this time, but as I can see here, we are not alone. It just hurts so very badly. I wish I was the same as you thinking I made the right decision. I'm not there yet. I feel terrible. I thought Omar was a cutie too. We were afraid he was going to be a big dog...but he only ended up being at the most 43lbs...26.6 at the end. We were blessed with him...and I know time will heal.

Omarmommy, please permit me to extend to you my sincerest sympathies in your loss of Omar. Having to decide to let go of a beloved furbaby is never easy. Euthanasia is comparable to deciding to stop life support for a loved human family member or friend. But, it is the last gift of love we can give to our furkds - - at great sacrifice to us - - so that they may go home to the angels with their dignity still intact. Omarmommy, you truly did the right thing for your furbaby. I know this grief journey feels like it will never end, but eventually when you least expect it you will find yourself thinking of Omar and you will find yourself smiling. That is absolutely beautiful about the birds, and yes, our furkids do have a way of communicating with us still because their sweet living Spirits are with us in our hearts and in our memories - - our relationship with them has simply transformed temporarily to a different dimension. Please know you are not alone, Omarmommy. We are here for you for as long as you need us.

Peace and blessings,

moon_beam

Thank you moon_beam. I do find comfort here at this site, because the rest of the humans around me don't seem to be grieving like me. I got a sympathy card today from the vet. And a bill. Nice. I know it can't be free...but man it hurts. I sit here at home now...keep looking down at my side to look for Omar. He would curl up on the floor next to me...or stand in the window like in the picture above...watching kids play outside...or bark at the occassional dog walker. I wish I recorded his bark. Sound corny? I really do wish. That reminds me...I have old baby videos with him in them...jumping on my sons back when he was learning to crawl. Oh how I would give anything to be back in those days. Is it normal to be fine one second...then bawl the next? I'm so up and down with emotions. It's harder I think when I'm home...because I just miss him so. I am looking forward to the day I can think about him and smile.

I know what you mean. Even though Candy was in discomfort, I still feel that I was the one that took her life because it was my decision even though she was obviously not doing well at all. I think the guilt for me is . . . . wishing I stayed with her more after her passing. I know of lot of folks stayed 30-60 minutes with their pet, but I stayed only 5-10. When her bladder was emptying that hurt alot to see her lifeless form like that. So I left with the image of her body on that table and going home feeling like I abandoned her in some way.

I know in time it suppose to get better, but for me right now, remembering her is still a bit painful.

You're right though . . . it's hard. So very difficult.

Hang in there kiddo.


Candy's Dad

Hal

Thanks Hal. Don't beat yourself up for not staying longer. I couldn't walk out. I was thinking he would empty his bladder there on the table like my last doggy, but Omar did not. Probably because he used the bush out front before we went in. I still see his face looking at me while on the table. I hate the guilt. I so want to know I did the RIGHT thing...but really it would have to come from Omar. I hear from everyone it was the right thing to do for him...but it felt so wrong. I regret it and wish I could have waited just a little longer. But really I have no idea how much longer he had. Driving home after I wanted to turn around and run back and tell them to bring him back!! I changed my mind! Is there something we can do now to bring him back?! Oh how this hurts.

I"m so sorry to hear about Omar. I saw his pictures and he has such a sweet face..it is easy to see why you would adore him.

When a loss like this occurs...everything you are thinking and everything you are doing is normal to think and do. It is what you need to do...so it is normal.

You made the right decision and in doing so, you spared him a lot of suffering and pain. You say you took his life...I say you gave him peace. I read about the diagnosis of liver cancer, possibly spread to the lungs, and creating problems by shifting his organs so maybe that's why he didn't want to eat.

I know you think of him wagging his tail and acting normal (when he wasn't coughing) but that's what they do...these babies...they are so full of love..they can't help but wag their tail and act normal in some ways.

You didn't let him go before his time. I know it is hard to make the decision by yourself..I have been there also. But I never could erase evidence, like x-rays, and many times that is what made the final decision. My boy, Little Guy, was an emergency..my first emergency to make the immediate decision. They did x-ray him to find out why he had trouble breathing and found his chest full of fluid and his lungs could not expand like they are supposed to when we breathe..the fluid trapped his lungs. It took that x-ray to let me know he was suffering and there was no cure. I have lost more than one baby, dogs and cats to cancer and that is a battle we don't win.
All we can do, since people have written how painful and awful it is when they are dying of cancer..even though our babies can't speak to us to tell us how they fell...they cannot feel better than a human who has cancer and the human suffers unspeakedly toward the end.

Animals are good at hiding illness and pain..to a certain extent. The vet and the xrays showed you..you made the right decision. If you were waiting for your baby to show more outside signs besides not eating...it would be because he couldn't hide it anymore. You would not have wanted that. So do not feel any guilt. And you didn't abandon him at the end because he wasn't in his body anymore. I have never had the emotions in check enough to be in the same room when my babies went to sleep but I never left the office until I was told they were at peace. I did not want to upset them since I was always hysterical at having to make the decision even when I knew it was the right one..and if they were upset by sensing me...they might fight the drug and suffer because of it. I can't have any of those pictures in my mind because it is hard to forget what we have seen and I can't do it.

You asked is it normal to be fine one second and bawl the next.....OH YES IT IS VERY NORMAL.
That goes on a long time. We need to cry, to vent, to get those feelings out in the open.

And your ideas and thoughts...nothing sounds "corny" when one is grieving.

I smiled at your story of the birds...what a beautiful encounter you had.

I would say you saved Omar from a lot of suffering and pain. Years ago I had a Shepherd who one day stopping eating. I took her to the vet. She had acted normal except she didn't want to eat..which was not like her. The x-rays I saw showed...tumors the size of grapefruits...one next to her heart, one in each lung, and one pressed against the inside of her throat. She showed no other signs when this happened. I don't know how quickly that cancer came but she was x-rayed less than 12 months earlier and had none of this. I didn't know I wasn't bringing her home because I would never have thought I would see x-rays like that.

They just can't have all that going on inside and not be suffering. Their love will not let you see it as long as they can help it..until they can't hide it anymore because it is overwhelming them.

You did the right thing. I always will hate that decision even though I know it is the right thing.
That does not make everything hurt any less at all. We can accept we saved them from being worse but we don't want them to be sick at all in the first place.

Keep posting...telling us your thoughts and feelings...it helps. We are always here listening.

Hugs to you and your family...and to your new Angel.....Omar. His love is part of your heart now and he can never leave you..he is always there too...listening.

Thank you LoveThem. I'm getting more at peace that I did the right thing. It still just hurts so bad. The house is so lonely. I'm used to him following me everywhere I go...or barking at me for attention when I'm on the computer...or putting his paw up on my leg nudging me to pet his head. Oh how I miss that. I'm afraid the people around me aren't understanding my grief. My husband is handling it okay, but when I'm breaking down...he walks away. He feels guilty because he wasn't there with me...and left it to me to do what needed to be done. Not sure if he didn't think I would be strong enough to do it. Who knows. He keeps Omar's chain collar in his pocket...which I think is cute. He says he likes the noise. Here's another picture of Omar...doing what he loved best. Sitting at the window...watching the world. He didn't have a lot of 'favorites' other then snacks and me. He had toys...but was never a good fetcher. He loved getting a burst of energy and running around in circles in the house...just to stop...put his butt in the air and bark at you...then take off again. He did this almost to the end. I was afraid to walk him when his heart was getting bad, for fear he would over do it. So he spent the last part of his life...laying low...but he seemed to love it anyways. He was also a protector of the kids. When ever we would be wrestling them...or even just tickling them...he would get so upset and bark and try to bite our hands...not hard of course. He loved us. This picture was just taken April 25th.

Please allow me to say also that I am so sorry for your loss, God, he looks soooo beautiful in the pics, oh! Omar is an Angel just looking at him brought me some good memories of my Beloved Son Buster. I also had to make that decision and also like Candy's Dad feel that I am resposible for Buster's death some how becouse of me he is not in this world anymore and it hurts very bad. You know, it will be not easy from now on for all of us but we most do it, really I wish I have more words to make feel a little better but I feel as bad as you do right now and it hurts me to see some hurting as much as I am. Please write as much as you like 'cause we all love to see that, God bless you, your family and Angel Omar in Heaven, always here for you, Jorge

Good evening Omar's mommy,

Please accept my sincerest condolances on your loss, he was a beautiful doggie. It's terrible when everything happens so fast, I'm sorry that you were forced to deal with such a wrenching decision alone. Oliver had cancer which came on VERY rapidly and others here have spoken of cancer in their animals spreading fast. For all you knew it could have happened in a week with no one home, which in that case I am sure he would gladly give up a wee bit of time to have you there with him. I know I would to have my favorite people and animals around.

That is a lovely story about the birds. True signs are so obvious that you can't deny it. For a time afterwards with mine, I just felt lots of love and the sadness was minimalized.

Take care and post everyday if need be.

Sarah (Oliver's mama)

I'm so sorry about your Omar. He really was a beauty!
I think the guilt gets us not matter what happens. I had to put my beloved golden retriever to sleep two weeks ago today. His kidneys and liver were fine, but his heart was failing, and his lungs were filled with fluid. It's so hard. I keep thinking that I could have done more.
Four years ago I lost my border collie to sudden death ie. I did not have to get her euthanized, she had a heart attack. Nevertheless, I was ridden with guilt.

Does it get easier? Yes, though I'm having a particularly bad day today, so I'm saying it to myself as well as to you.

Somehow we get used to a life without them, though we miss them forever.

I am so sorry for your loss. He's a beautiful dog. Yes, the guilt will haunt us forever in someways, even when we know in our hearts we did the right thing. Your luckly you were able to share a part of this life together. And Congrats with the sign he gave you. I got a good one too..It's kind of bittersweet in a way. I hope you receive many more.. Hug to you and Omar.. Ann

Thank you all for such kind words. I had a rough evening last night...took an ambien and slept away. Just to awaken to such a gorgeous sunny morning...the one's Omar loved to lay in the sun in the back yard while I drank my coffee. I tried to look for some birds again...didn't get any. I hear them though, which in a way is bittersweet still.

I'm also sorry for everyone's losses. We are all together here, which is very nice...but a sad way to meet. I'm here for anyone else that needs a moment. As I can see you all are here for me. I'm hoping every day gets better.

Take care.
Omar's Mommy
(Marcie)

You said:
Just to awaken to such a gorgeous sunny morning...the one's Omar loved to lay in the sun in the back yard while I drank my coffee.

Reminds me of a thought that always occurs to me...when we lose our sweethearts...it always seems as though the world could just stop for a moment..out of respect..but, of course, that will never happen.

And so, I look out my windows and see everyday life is still everyday life out there but our lives are changed forever. Sometimes it hurts..just looking at how "normal" everything seems, when we don't feel normal at all.

And so we do the best we can..and times helps to lessen the intensity of the pain..and, if we are lucky, we have other furbabies at home to remind us just how special they all are.

But it is the Angel we have just lost that is squeezing our heart and it is a hurt time will help somewhat but time will never be able to take away the love and the missing we feel for these best friends of ours...there is nothing anymore that can take that away.

Take care and just know any feelings that come up...will be normal ones..and it is okay to cry and grieve from missing them.

We will truly love them and miss them forever. Such very special ones..how could we not feel that way?

Hugs and post your thoughts and feelings...say what helps you to feel a little bit better to say.
You are not alone here. We all share the same hurt, the same pain, the same intensity, and we also have our good memories and the joy of having them to help us heal.

Judy

Thank you Judy. Something else I really truly miss right now is his fur. I loved putting my fingers in the fur by his ears and scratching away. He would love it too...and his right hind leg would start to move like he was scratching...or it would get him to sit down. It was his favorite spot for you to scratch. Then I would grab him by the side of his head gently of course and kiss his nose all over and tell him I was going to eat him up. Usually he would just sneeze on me. He wasn't a licker dog...he didn't give kisses back...but I knew he loved me. That's something I really miss today. I can look at his pictures...and see his face...but I yearn to feel his fur again. Sigh.