Our beloved Twinkie was PTS last Tuesday. He had a urinary tract blockage that the vet just couldn't fix. Or more specifically, couldn't fix within our price range. We're a family of four living on one income, and when Twinkie needed $3000 worth of surgery...We just couldn't do it. The money just wasn't there. Heck the money wouldn't have been there if I needed $3000 worth of surgery. So, with things the way they are, we had to let Twinkie go.

This isn't the first time that money has been the deciding factor. Mr Precious died almost two years ago of nearly the same thing - and we didn't have the money for treatment then, either. I can remember, as a poor college student, taking in a cat from outside who was sick. The vet could have treated him and saved him with no problem, but I only had enough money for euthanasia...That still eats at me. I really could have saved Gus...And he died only because I was poor. I hope he forgives me...

And the guilt from all the times I might have been able to do more. Puffy, who was sick with FeLV - only i didn't realize it until it was too late because I was an active alcoholic (drunk most of the time). Buddy, who I saved from living outside...A "friend" took him in, then decided he couldn't deal with the "damned cat" and kicked him out (Buddy disappeared soon after that). I have no idea what my Toby died of - I woke up one morning and he'd been really sick overnight and he was dead on the floor. When Booda started losing weight, we took him to the vet, but could only afford to run so many tests before he got too weak to go on. Kingsford who lived just fine with FIV until he caught a cold and refused to eat. Sherman the tiny 3-4 week old kitten who passed away after being with us only 24 hours (intestinal distress).

(Baby lived to be 21. While her passing was sad, I don't feel too guilty about it. Skinny had FIV and was on death's door when he came to us. We nursed him back to health and had another month with him before he just wore out.)

Now these deaths have come over the space of about 25 years but I feel like a one-woman cat-killing machine.
And I know it's just going to go on. Four of my six remaining cats are 11 or older. Cosmo may be only two years old, but he's FIV+ and will only live as long as he stays well. Chester is diabetic; We're treating him and he seems healthy and happy, but there's always the chance for complications to bring him down. Everybody else seems fine...

But Twinkie seemed fine until he was sick and the doctor couldn't help him.

I miss my kitties. I wish I could have done more to save them. I wish I had all the money so that no-one would ever have to die...

Hi, MaryB, please permit me to offer you my sincerest sympathies in the physical loss of your beloved Twinkie. Losing a companion is never easy regardless of the circumstances or how long we are blessed with the privilege of their company. Euthanasia is the last gift of love we can give to our companions at great sacrifice to ourselves so that they can be restored to their former youthfulness in the company of the angels.

MaryB, when we experience a physical loss of a loved one - - whoever the life form - - it is perfectly normal for memories of other loved ones who have preceded us to the angels to come to the forefront of our thoughts. So, please let me try to reassure you that what you are feeling is very normal deep grief. Our precious companions' physical bodies are made of the same material our human bodies are - - they are prone to the same illnesses as well as ones that are unique only to them. There comes a point in time when all the money in the world cannot prevent their precious physical bodies from transitioning from their earthly journey. And just because a medical procedure "can be done" does not necessarily mean that it "should be done". Consideration needs to be taken into account as to how invasive the treatment is and what effect it will have on their physical and emotional well being.

It is perfectly clear from what you share with us that you have done everything within your power to give each of your companions a home where they know they are loved. Even for as long as 24 hours - - your beloved companions transitioned from their earthly journey knowing the touch of a loving human heart. So please do not think of yourself as "a one-woman cat-killing machine." Instead, you need to think of yourself as being the one who is blessed to have the forlorn, forsaken, unwanted, homeless creatures come to you for safe shelter and a loving human heart. It doesn't matter how long, or short, their time with you is - - the fact is you are always ready to offer your love. It takes an extraordinarily remarkable heart to do this.

This grief adjustment journey is a very painful one both physically and emotionally. It is a journey that can only be traveled one day at a time, sometimes one moment at a time in your own way and in your own time. But it is a journey you do not travel alone, MaryB. Each of us here do understand what you are going through, and we are here for you for as long and as often as you need us.

As painful as this grief journey is there is one thing that will never change - - the love bond you and your beloved Twinkie share. Love is eternal - - it is not restricted to the physical laws of time as space. Your beloved Twinkie's sweet Living Spirit continues to share your earthly journey as he always has and always will - - for he is always and forever a part of your heart and memories, MaryB - - he is always and forever a heartbeat close to you.

I know all too well from first hand experience that when our hearts are filled with deep grief there really are no adequate words that can soothe the seering pain of sorrow. Still, I hope the words I share with you will offer you some measure of comfort, support, encouragement, and hope as you travel your grief adjustment journey.

Thank you so much for honoring us in sharing your beloved Twinkie, and all your beloved companions, with us, MaryB. Perhaps sometime you will feel up to sharing a picture of him with us - - but only when / if you want to. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, MaryB, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Thank you for your kind words.

Mary.....I want to say I'm so terribly sorry for your loss.....I want to say coming from someone who deals in animal rescue there are countless animals that if not given a loving, warm and safe home like yours would never know what it feels like to have that and are at extremely high risk of being pts. So even though I won't pretend I know how you feel to not be able to afford certain vet care at least you ARE giving these cats love they may never otherwise know.....so keep opening your home and heart whenever ready and I hope that helps a bit. I'm sorry I'm in the midst of extreme pain at the loss of my 3 yr old dog so I'm not of much more help.....come hre though and seek help or words of kindness...may help...its nice for me so far....

I do have a home full of the lost, unwanted and previously homeless. Every cat I've ever had, with the exception of Booda, came off the street or from someone who didn't want them or couldn't take care of them anymore. Most of them came off the street. I've also fed street cats when I lived at an apartment complex. They loved me, too - in their own wild way. Offspring used to bring her newborn kitten for me to watch while she ate; later Fuzzes was adopted by my mom. MomCatTomCat would orbit me like a fearful satellite - afraid to get too close, but still wanting to be near me. One winter, it got down to 30 below, and my BF and I wrapped up a box in shrink wrap and lined it with towels for them. It was so funny to come out for breakfast and see three or four kitty heads poke out of that box to see me.

Anyone who says that cats are standoffish and not affectionate has never met my family. My cats may be a bit nervous around strangers, but once they see that you're welcome in my house, you are welcome with them.

My favorite "success story" is Blackie. He was feral - eartipped and everything. I fed him for about a year, and he would always come running when he heard my car pull in. One day he got curious about Inside and he bolted through the door. Unfortunately, he ran so fast that he got trapped in the house and couldn't find his way out. He made his way to under my bed, where he lived for the next six months. Over time, he became braver and braver. Now, five years later, he a fully functional member of the household and he'll even let the kids pet him. He sits on the couch with me whenever possible and he sleeps with his head on my hand every night. He even lets me pick him up and hold him (briefly) once in a while. He's got the best purr in the house.

Chester has already used up a couple of his nine lives. He is our Professional Pet. He's never shy and considers every human he meets as another potential friend. I'm accustomed to friendly cats, but this guy goes above and beyond. He showed up at my house after riding over on the engine block of a neighbor's car, with burns on his feet from the heat. Later, he developed a limp. We took him to the vet where they took X-rays. It turns out he may have been hit by a car years before (healed pelvic fractures) and he had a pin in his leg! I had no idea. He has developed diabetes now, and we're taking care of him as best we can, insulin shots and all. I highly recommend www.felinediabetes.com for anyone dealing with this disease.

Twinkie and his sister Rizzo came from a girl at work who was going through an ugly divorce. Rather than surrender her cats to a shelter, she gave them to me. They were (apparently) rescues from a hoarder when she got them, and her husband wasn't very nice to them. They were afraid and shy, and would panic at sudden noises, loud movements and thunderstorms. Over the year and a half Twinkie was with me, he went from being a nervous, slinking, fearful cat to a confident, happy, loving member of the family. His sister Rizzo has had a similar transformation. She is now the singin' diva who gives lots of kisses. She does miss her brother, but we're giving her extra loving.

I'd love to adopt a shelter cat some day, but there are so many homeless animals out there. Even now, there's a neighborhood stray that we've nicknamed Nestor. He's not ready to be a pet at this point, but When he is, we'll probably take him in. Or we'll find another kitten on the streets. Or someone else will have to give up their cat, and we'll have a home for it. I drive for rescues, too. I only have so much space in my own home, but I can always help transport other animals to their new forever homes.

I know that grief is the price of love. I love deeply and I grieve deeply.

Hi, MaryB, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. Please permit me to tell you how inspiring you are to me in opening your heart and home to homeless, unloved, unwanted precious creatures. You, along with LoveMyMickey, Tom's Dad, and many others in this wonderful forum are true "beacons of light" to the precious ones who need a safe refuge. I firmly believe that each creature who finds a welcome refuge in a loving heart sends out signals to all the others "hey, come here, - - you will be warmly welcomed and loved." Our companions don't care how much money we have or where we live - - all they really want is a loving heart to comfort and take care of them as best as possible.

Thank you again so very much for honoring us in sharing your beloved Twinkie, and all your beloved companions, with us, MaryB. I hope today is treating you and all your precious companions kindly, MaryB, and that your evening will be blessed with the sweet Living Spirit of your beloved Twinkie, and all of your beloved companions who are now with the angels. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, MaryB, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Thank you both for your kind words.

DakotaRose's Mom - try not to beat yourself up too much. Dakota Rose is in the heart of perfect love and understanding. She knows how much you loved her and that you did everything you could think of to do to take care of her. Sometimes we just don't know how sick they really are. It doesn't mean that we love them any less. It's hard to get over the guilt - I have plenty of it for several of my "gone ahead" cats. If only I'd noticed, if only i'd known...but that doesn't do them or me any good. The best thing I can do to honor their suffering and their memory is to learn from my mistakes and be the best pet parent I can be today.

Moon Beam - thank you for your words of encouragement. I often feel guilty for having more cats than I can afford...but they live well with me. I can manage all the regular expenses just fine. I'm just unprepared for emergencies (of any kind). As a family of four on one income, we do the best we can and we fly without a net. But I love my kitties and they love me back and no-one goes hungry.

I'm worried about Chester. He's been off his food a bit, getting picky about what he wants to eat and when. As a diabetic, he can't afford to skip a meal, but I also can't force him to eat. He's also limping a little again. I think that the previously broken hip may be flaring up. Lord knows, my bad knees act up in the winter so why not his joints, too? I have no idea how old he is. We found out about the pin in his leg in 2009, and he'd already been with me for about 3-4 years, and he must have been at least 3-4 when I met him. That puts him at at least 12, possibly more. He still plays with toys and wrassles with Cosmo. I worry about him.

I worry about Blackie and Cosmo, too. I do not want another cat to die of urinary blockage, but I really don't know how to prevent it, beyond the fancy prescription food. As formerly feral cat, I worry that I won't have any idea if Blackie gets sick...

But i'm OK today. I love my kitties and I miss my kitties. I have little keepsake urns for every cat who's passed before, so that they may never be forgotten.

Hi, MaryB, thank you so much for sharing with us how you and your precious fur tribe are doing. I can so relate to your concerns about your precious companions, and particularly your precious Chester. My precious Noah, who is 10 years old, was diagnosed with diabetes in November. I have no prior experience with diabetes, so this has been a new learning curve for me. Tom's Dad, who does have experience with feline diabetes, has been so very supportive and helpful.

During the first week of insulin treatment for my precious Noah his appetite declined but with encouragement he ate his food so that I could give him his insulin injections. I thought he simply didn't like the food, and I was planning on talking with his doctor after the weekend to try a different food. But the Sunday morning, within 6 days of his diabetes diagnosis, he was in the ER hospital for severe life threatening hypoglycemia. I thank God every day that the ER doctor was able to stabilize him, and now he is only on his low glucose maintenance food - - no insulin.

If possible you may want to take your precious Chester in for a glucose blood level check. With his appetite becoming "fussy" this may be that he is in the early stages of going into what is called a "diabetic remission". I just thought I would mention Noah's experience in the hope that it might benefit you in some way in your care of your precious Chester. Please let us know how things go, MaryB - - he is in excellent care with you.

And yes, you are right on target about our precious companions joints not being as flexible with age and injury just as our joints become with age and injury. And cold weather is harder than warmer. If you have a heating pad and an old blanket you can warm the blanket on the heating pad and then put the warmed blanket over your precious Chester. You can also put the heating pad on the low setting and lay the blanket over it for your precious Chester to lay on - - if he wants to. I do this for my precious Noah, too.
However, you don't want to leave the heating pad on 24/7, or without supervision, as you don't want him to get burned.

Veterinary medicine has become as expensive now as human medicine, and many people are going without treatment for their medical needs because they cannot afford it. Because of my age and now limited financial resources because I am retired my precious Noah will be my last companion. So I do understand how you are feeling about not having the unlimited financial resources to care for your precious fur family members. Your precious Blackie and Cosmo and Chester only ask that you love them and do the very best you can for them - - this is what any of us can do.

I hope today is treating you and all your precious companions kindly, MaryB, and that your evening will be blessed with the sweet Living Spirit of your beloved Twinkie, and all of your beloved companions who are now with the angels. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, MaryB, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Well, My grandmother passed away at 12:05 Christmas morning. She was 94 years old.
It's hard to be sad when I think of the happy reunion she must have had with her parents, her husband, two sons and any number of friends who had passed on before. I even like to think that Twinkie might have been there because she did like fluffy white cats.

Too much death this year. My Dad in January. Two friends over the summer. Twinkie two weeks ago. and now Grandma.
I'm either really sad because of the loss, or if I focus on the "positives" (no more suffering, reunited with loved ones, etc.) I feel sad that I'm still here. Ridiculous, isn't it?

I picked up Twinkie's ashes on Monday They sent him in a very nice wood box with an engraved plaque. I don't know how such a big cat fit into such a small box...This is the first cat I've had cremated. Everyone else has been buried.

I hate it that our pets die. I hate it that people die. I know it's a natural part of life and I believe that it is passing on to something better but I still do not like all the feelings that go along with it.

Hi, MaryB, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. Please permit me to offer you my sincerest sympathies in the physcal loss of your Grandmother.

I do so understand how you're feeling when you share with us: "I'm either really sad because of the loss, or if I focus on the "positives" (no more suffering, reunited with loved ones, etc.) I feel sad that I'm still here. I believe that it is passing on to something better but I still do not like all the feelings that go along with it." Your feelings are NOT ridiculous, MaryB. This grief journey is filled with many different emotions at various different times. We are not mechanical robots but rather delicately fashioned emotional beings. Please know you are among friends here who truly do understand what you are feeling, and we are here for you for as long and as often as you need us.

Receiving your beloved Twinkie's ashes can be an experience of mixed emotions. On the one hand it is good you have your beloved Twinkie home again, yet on the other hand it is yet another blatant reminder among many in this grief adjustment journey that he is no longer with you in the life form your heart longs to have him.

I hope today is treating you and all your precious companions kindly, MaryB, and that your evening will be blessed with the sweet Living Spirit of your beloved Twinkie, and all of your beloved companions who are now with the angels. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, MaryB, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

I am tired and sad today.

For Christmas, my mom got my cats a "big red shoe" playhouse. It's the silliest thing...And we all had a big laugh about how Twinkie would have loved it. He had a shoe fetish, and could often be found sitting or sleeping on top of my shoes. Oh, and the grumpy look I got if I needed those shoes! He would have had a blast with the big red shoe...

I try not to wonder who could be next. I try to make everyone's life as happy as I can. I guess that's all I can do.

Hi, MaryB, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. Please let me try to reassure you that what you are feeling is very normal. Even under the best of circumstances it is normal to feel tired and sad after the rush of the Christmas festivities. When our hearts are grieving the physical loss of a beloved companion, it is normal to feel the intensity of the fatigue and sadness.

I do so well understand what is in your heart when you share with us: "I try not to wonder who could be next." Between December 2006 and March 2010 my precious Noah and I experienced the physical loss of three of our beloved companions - - one by one. My precious Noah is now my sole surviving precious companion, and twice over the past year I have come close to losing him, too - - September 2012 he underwent emergency surgery for what turned out to be a twisted intestine, and November 2013 due to a life threatening episode of hypoglycemia. I thank God for enabling the veterinary care providers in both instances to help restore my precious Noah to a good quality of life - - but I know there will come a time when the only thing I can do for him is to send him back home to the angels.

So, for now, like you - - I try to make his daily life as happy as I possibly can. Like you, MaryB, this is all any of us can do, and our precious companions love us for our efforts on their behalf - - whatever level our capabilities are. It is because of the deepest love in your heart for your precious companions that you wish you could do more for them - - and this is a wish each of us here share with you for each of our precious companions, too.

I hope today is treating you and all your precious companions kindly, MaryB, and that your evening will be blessed with the sweet Living Spirit of your beloved Twinkie, and all of your beloved companions who are now with the angels. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, MaryB, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam