A Confession, This Is Tough Options

[1991Baby]

I've come across a few posts here that suggest recounting fond memories of the journey through life me and my little girl have shared these past 17 years while I still have her. I do this with much enjoyment, there are so many wonderful moments that bring smiles to my face as I look at her ever-smiling mug.

But, when I do this it is inevitable that I get taken back to the darkest, ugliest moment of my life I also shared with her - that I am responsible for. When she was about 5 months old she had a particularly destructive day chewing things and destroyed some irreplaceable family antiques that had been passed down to me by my Grandmother. I lost it.

Up until that day I had regularly spanked her for soiling or other bad behavior (I know, I know NOW I know better). I had not been the best daddy. I was 24, working 15-18 hour days, had adopted her at 6 weeks which was a couple too early so she had major separation anxiety issues. I did so many things wrong. And on that day when I came home from work and saw some possessions in tatters I became a monster. I spanked her. Hard. I picked her up, shook her, yelled at her and threw her down. Several times. Until one time either I threw her down with such force or she just landed badly, but she tried to move and her poor little front paw was just dangling. I had broken her leg.

I was stunned. I couldn't believe what I had just done. I had harmed a beautiful, defenseless puppy so badly. I crawled out of my home as an unworthy member of the human race, and rushed her to the emergency vet. I told the vet she had jumped off the stairs from too many steps and landed wrong. I don't know if the vet believed me or not, but he mended her, assured me that her injury was a clean break and that since she was a puppy she should heal fine. But I knew I had just been guilty of the worst violation of trust a human being ever could commit.

I never again spanked her or laid my hand on her in anger. I learned other behavior modification techniques. I did a complete 180 in how I interacted with her and elevated her value and meaning in my life to levels that friends and family think of as unhealthy. I never have shared this story with friends or family. I never told my wife. I'm glad I learned about this dark capacity I had and how to control it before I had my child, heaven forbid I ever lost it like that on a baby.

The experience taught me important lessons, but I live with the guilt of what I did to this most precious little girl in my life. In recalling these dark moments I know I will have an even more difficult time making any kind of decision as to when she would be better off somewhere else. After I was the atrocious monster I was when she was a puppy I promised to always love and protect her from any and all harm, and can't betray her again. If nature doesn't intercede when her time comes I don't think I'll be able to provide the assist.

This is a confession. It is extremely tough to type out. I've never shared it with anyone before. I've worked for animal rights organizations since and never been able to share my sin to the leaders of them for fear of being ostracized and forever labeled for the act I committed 17 years ago instead of what I did ever since. These organizations have helped pass laws to criminalize and imprison people for doing exactly what I did, requiring vets to notify law enforcement when suspicious injuries are treated. Had I been carrying around a criminal record for my crime against my puppy these past 17 years my life would have been an empty shell of what it thankfully has become.

I've made sure my puppy has had a wonderful, love filled life and still care so much for her despite her frailties in her geriatric years. I can't imagine my life without her. I want to help prevent people from harming defenseless animals, but know from my personal experience that there is a difference between the evil people who do so for some enjoyment and the ones like me who just made a terrible, terrible mistake and who regret and attempt to atone for it for the rest of their life. I hope laws don't too harshly penalize the latter with a record they never escape from no matter what they do. I'm living proof that a bad act does not make a bad actor.

To wrap up, I love my little girl with all my heart and I know that some of you will read this in disbelief and will think poorly of me for it. I can't change what I did, Lord knows I wish I could. I wouldn't still be beating myself up over it 17 years later if I believed the sin I committed had been completely forgiven. But I love her, and when she looks into my eyes I know she loves me with all she is. I'm her daddy and she's my daddy's little girl. I just hope that when her time does come I find peace in all the good I endeavored to do for her, the sacrifices, the love without reservation I've shared with her, the inseparable bond we've had all these years. And that the disgusting, despicable actions I'm responsible for on that day don't become the memories I dwell on or always cloud the entirety of our lives together.