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24 Jul 2008
I guess most of you have not heard from me before, and the rest of you haven't seen any posts from me in a long while.
I haven't felt like sharing any thoughts or pain lately.

On May 21, 2008- I lost my mouse Gordon. The only comfort was that he was not just my furkid, but he was a huge part of the nature program that I worked on last summer, and for over 9 weeks last summer, he touched hundreds of children. He was their favorite animal in the room. ( We also had a snake, a small lizard, 2 toads, 2 crayfish, a red-eared slider turtle, a rabbit, and a few local fish). All were used for educational and compassionate teachings, and all were released back into the wild with the exception of the lizard and rabbit who were adopted, and the turtle and Gordon. I know Gordon served a great purpose, and he also visited a local elementary science club that I did some volunteer presentations for in the fall of '07. The children loved him as much as I did. Mice can have short life spans, but he accomplished a lot in his.

I lost my beloved 15 1/2 year old cat, Rufus on March 1, 2008, and that has been very painful. I raised him form a kitten, and he slept with me all of the time, even during short "cat" naps. I still find it hard to wake up and not have him here. sad.gif

Now a quick bit of background, I have lost 23 furry children, 8 close humans, and a few acquaintances- all since May 2004.
I am not sure how I still get up everyday, but I keep on trying.

I am so sorry for those of you with recent and painful loss(es) to handle, I do know how hard it is. I honestly cannot say that it gets easier, but the memories do get better.

Thank you to any and all who read this topic.

Peace, Love, and Prayers,

This is my Rufus...
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20 Jun 2007
I haven't been here in some time. I have been busy with so many things.
I cannot possibly explain everything that happened right now, as I am not up to it.
I have only had 2 dogs in my life, both of them came to live with us in 1996, about 6 months apart from each other. The first dog we got was the daughter of the second dog we got later that year.
Over the weekend, our Mama dog fell ill with some urinary problems and had to be taken to the vet for urine samples, blood work etc. I had to leave her overnight, which is always hard.
When I called to pick her up yesterday, they told me they were putting her on an antibiotic and some pain medicine for a week, and then to bring her back for re-evaluation.
Happily, I raced to the vet to get her. She was listless and lethargic, and totally unresponsive to seeing me. It took a lot to get her to stand and walk out to the car.
Once we were outside, she collapsed next to the car, started to shake and would whine when I tried to get her into the vehicle. She just continued to lay in an empty parking space which was wet from rain, and of course, with whatever leaks from people's vehicles. I couldn't even leave her to go get the Vet, because someone could have ran her over trying to park.
Another client who saw what was happening went to get the vet while we waited out in the lot. Her breathing was shallow and labored. When the vet came out, she told me that our Coco had inoperable tumors in her mammaries, and they would eventually spread to her lungs, and she had a few external tumors that were good candidates for removal once she finished the medication she had prescribed. However, once the vet saw how she was, and the fact that seeing me didn't improve her att*itude, maybe it was best to put her down. After assistance carrying her back into the office, she went very fast, almost like she didn't have much time anyway.
My hubby wanted to go with me if we had to put her down, but I thought I was just going to pick her up, so he is having a very tough time with the fact that he wasn't there. On the other hand, he's blessed that he didn't see those final images I had to see. We spent a few hours ,during some tough storms, digging through tough soil to bury her. We are all heartbroken! Me, my Hubby, our 3 cats, and her daughter, Sage.
I feel totally numb. I have lost cats, mice and people, but never a dog. Now, I have lost 21 souls from my life in 3 years.
I also have to start a new job on Friday working with children over the summer, and I don't know how I'm going to cope. I have been a homemaker for the last 11 years, so I am used to being here with my fur babies, and having time to grieve their losses, now I have 2 days. sad.gif
I know time helps to ease the heartbreak, but I don't have any time now.
Thanks for reading, the tears are streaming, and I can't see anymore.
Going for now,

Coco is on the right of this pic. Her daughter, Sage, is to the left.
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9 Mar 2007
I'm not sure why I'm typing right now. I am numb from head to heart to toes. Detached and so lost. And the worst part? I cannot seem to cry. I have always been able to cry at anything. Everyone who knows me calls me "hyper-sensitive". It used to sound critical when they said it, but it was me so I didn't care. Now the tears are stuck or buried or gone.
I lost my mouse baby, Bruiser tonight. This is the 13th fancy mouse, and the 19th death when you count my kitties ( like my Huey who passed on 2/3/07 from genetic liver failure, and I still cannot deal with that), my wild, hand-raised mouse, and my Grandma. Not to mention the losses of animals and people of those close to me. I cannot grieve, and I cannot comfort.
This is so much of a concern, that my counselor and I are working intently on it to see where the problem lies that caused this shift in my emotions and expressions.

Any helpful suggestions to pull out my much needed tears?

The death of the Crocodile Hunter still gets me, but I have seen all the memorials and heard all of the songs, and the truth is, it's not my personal grief. I need to find my own way of expression. With that said, there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of Steve Irwin and the family and animals he left behind in this painful world.

I can't say more except to say thank you in advance for any help. I have been a member for almost 2 years now, but this lack of tears is all new to me. unsure.gif



"When I'm Gone"

There's another world inside of me
That you may never see
There're secrets in this life
That I can't hide
Somewhere in this darkness
There's a light that I can't find
Maybe it's too far away...
Or maybe I'm just blind...

Or maybe I'm just blind...

So hold me when I'm here
Right me when I'm wrong
Hold me when I'm scared
And love me when I'm gone
Everything I am
And everything in me
Wants to be the one
You wanted me to be
I'll never let you down
Even if I could
I'd give up everything
If only for your good
So hold me when I'm here
Right me when I'm wrong
You can hold me when I'm scared
You won't always be there
So love me when I'm gone

Love me when I'm gone...

When your education X-Ray
Cannot see under my skin
I won't tell you a damn thing
That I could not tell my friends
Roaming through this darkness
I'm alive but I'm alone
Part of me is fighting this
But part of me is gone


Or maybe I'm just blind...


Love me when I'm gone...

Love me when I'm gone
When I'm Gone
When I'm Gone
When I'm Gone

Even though I am in a strange place in my heart, I can still love. I did adopt a much needed soul from the shelter. I have never actually gotten another baby so fast, but you all know how it is, you walk in, and they find you. So it was with Ewan.
I went to the shelter on 2/15/07 for some socializaion with the lost and waiting souls that are there, and to see if any of Huey's relatives might have been there. I guess he was brought in alone though. sad.gif
Well, a very sweet and beautiful boy came right to me and started to purr and stood up on my chest, LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT! wub.gif
They called him Curly, but we named him Ewan ( pronounced 'you-in'). He's been great for all of us, especially our 1 1/2 year old, Wilson, who was missing his Huey as his playmate. Am I in for more heartbreak in the future? No doubt. Would I trade any of it for the love that I got from my babies, and the love I still get from my babies? No way.
I know I should put these last paragraphs in New Beginnings, but I don't want to say too much about him right now. I still need to release my pain, before I can share my new love. I have to put in a pic though. wink.gif
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2 Feb 2007
Hi All,
My shelter cat Huey has suddenly become lethargic tonight. There are no emergency vets to call, so I am reaching out to all of you.
He is showing symptoms of Pica, lethargy, and stunted growth. I have had him on a nutritional supplement called Nutri-Cal from Evsco for 5 weeks, and 2 days ago, he didn't want any. He loved it up until then. He seems weak and cold, and did spit up some clear-whitish foam this morning twice, and he doesn't want to eat or drink much water. Also, he wanders a bit from time to time. He doesn't seem comfortable.
Based on some conditions I have read about, it could be a few different possibilities and hard to narrow down, some lead to sudden death, so I need help right away!!!!
I should mention that the symptoms of Pica have been apparent for a couple of months, and that was the thought of vitamin deficiency, therefore we started the Nutri-Cal. He has been stunted since I brought him home, which I attributed to being in a shelter. He ate good from day one and started to bulk up a bit, but that slowed right before he started Nutri-Cal, which should have supplemented his nutrients and calories. The shelter says his birth time was at the end of February 2006, which puts him at about a year, but his size looks like he's 4-5 months old max. They tested and vaccinated him for FLV, FIV, and Distemper, and the Rhino virus thing ( don't feel like looking up the exact virus name), and he's been neutered.
Any help or insight would be greatly appreciated.
Peace, Love, and Prayers,
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12 Dec 2006
With everything that can go on in daily life, we can forget to do something we've been meaning too. The great thing is, at this point, he is all moved in and comfy.
We adopted this guy from the "Lonely Hearts Club" room at our shelter. He chose me by climbing into my lap for a nap as I socialized with the other kitties, so I felt he chose me and brought him home. His original name was Frisky, but we call him Huey. I think it is because he looks so dwarf like and young, it just suits him.
he has settled in nicely, as you'll see in the pics.
There is nothing greater than new love, especially combined with current loves.
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