I'll be flipping through the channels on TV and come across a movie I haven't seen in awhile; or I'll pick up a book I haven't read in awhile; or I'll find an article of clothing in my closet that I haven't worn in awhile. And I'll think to myself, 'The last time I saw this / read this / wore this, Sydney was still alive." It's like everything is a reminder of that happier phase of my life when my baby was still here with me. And instead of smiling at the happy memory that is conjured, I just feel so sad that I'm not in that phase of my life anymore. Just wondering if anyone else experiences this "The last time I did this . . ." phenomenon.

I have been having a lot of trouble with my grief again lately. It will be 12 weeks on Tuesday since my Sydney passed and I hate it. I miss her so much it is killing me still.

Jess,

Yes, I do that two weeks after I had to let Schmendrik go. I find myself being startled when I think I hear a sound he would make settling in to whatever room I'm sitting in. I know that he's gone, but my brain doesn't care, and I turn to look at him. I'm really sorry for your loss. I just hope I'm as strong as you are and can make it ten more weeks. I will pray for you also when I ask God to help heal my broken heart.

Regards,

Eagle

Yes,

Holidays have been a big reminder for me. I always think well she was with me this last holiday. I bet alot of us here do that.
Just know it will get easier.

HUgs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

do that all the time!!

I cried as I read your posts. I recently got a new cat too, and my grief has hit me in the face again also.

The day Mouses died is the day my "The last time I did this..." phenomenon started. I vividly remember the horror of going to all of the regular places in my life...the grocery store...food places...hair salon...etc. All I kept thinking as I stood there in shock is, "the last time I was here, Mouses was alive (and I was happy), or "the last time I was here, I didn't even know my world was about to end." I never stop thinking these things. I do it with everything, books, tv, movies, holidays, clothes, etc. I was moving and packing, so I came across several things I wouldn't have seen until next winter. My winter coat covered in Mouses fur. I cried instantly. I try to smile, but mostly it is just a reminder that part of me died with Mouses. I will never be the same. I not only miss her, I miss myself (so do most of the people around me). I want so badly to go back to the happy days. She was such a joy and comfort.

Sorry about Sydney's 12 week mark. I know how painful those dates are. I am coming on 6 months for my kitty, and I am still in shock. You will be in my thoughts today. Chris

This is EXACTLY how I feel. I miss Sydney more than anything, but I also miss my life from a few months ago. I was so happy and didn't even know it. Now I feel like there will always be something missing and I will never be that carefree person I once was.

P.S. Congrats on the new addition. How are you doing with that?

all the time! in fact everyday. every time i walk thru the door the very first thing i think of is "remember when fred would pop his little head around the corner to greet me?" i have a robe that is about 15 years old that both my kitties slept on. i cannot bear to part with it. it sits at the foot of my bed... everything reminds me of when my fred and riley were alive. fred passed away a little over 4 months ago and mostly i can say i have ok days but last week was especially hard. i went thru the "Remember whens" and "the last time..." big time. it was a bad week. i have a new little one but like we all know, they dont replace our babies, ever. they help us heal (and i love my lucy so much for licking my tears away) but the pain of losing our little buddies just never goes away completely does it? im sorry that you are in so much pain. but please know that you are not alone. we are all going thru the same emotional roller coaster.

please accept a big hug from lucy and myself. you are in my thoughts and prayers
patricia

My emotions are all over the place with my new boy. I am extremely happy to save him (was abused), it is such a joy to watch him learn to trust people again, and be happy. He is such a good boy. In general it's very nice to have a cat again. I knew any cat I chose would never have Mouses unique personality or bond with me, so I went for a cat that at least looked like her. I figured it is better than losing her personality and looks. Grasping at straws to have some piece of her back in my life. He looks and acts a lot like my Mouses, which makes me cry and smile at the same time. He is very shy so he hides a lot. My hardest moment is when I look under the bed for him, because I see Mouses face, but Mouses never hid under the bed.

Some people disagree with getting a new pet that looks similar to the previous pet, but I find it very comforting. I know he is his own cat, and I respect that. I take joy in their similarities, and I am starting to love him for him. He is so different. When he comes out of hiding, he is so young and energetic. He is not a lap cat. He does not like to be held. He likes to sit near me. I don't get my movie buddy, but that's OK. He must have been scolded for going on beds and on window ledges, because he freaks out if I put him on them (poor thing). He is so nervous...like he is always waiting to be yelled at.

Long story short. Having him helps me feel like Mouses sudden early death has a purpose. Trying hard to move forward...to treasure how great Mouses was...and to learn how great this cat is.

Change of subject (if you don't mind)...I have a lot of trouble with medical "what if's," on here you don't seem to do that. How do you stop yourself from thinking about the medical stuff? I hope I don't cause you any unnecessary pain with this question. My sincerest apology if I do.
Thanks, Chris

Christmas will be tough. Last year, we had our 2 cats knocking stuff off the tree and climbing up the tree. Now they are both gone, not looking forward to it!

Saylor has a lot of the same mannerisms and behaviors as Sydney, too. A LOT. Like you, it makes me cry and smile at the same time. I like to think it's because Sydney comes around and teaches her things.

As far as the medical what-ifs, I have somehow managed to put them out of my mind. I feel like this is the only pardon my grief has given me, as every single other aspect of her death haunts me on a constant basis. Right after she died, my husband kept trying to figure out what caused her to have sudden kidney failure and if there was anything we could have done to prevent it. But I couldn't allow myself to go there. To even entertain the possibility that we could have avoided all of this somehow is just too much for me to bear, so I think my mind just won't do it. It's hard to explain.

I have two regrets about her death, itself: (1) that we let her consume the bird she caught instead of taking it away like we were going to, then changed our mind at the last minute. She got sick almost immediately after, and even though the vet doesn't think the bird had anything to do with it, this has always been our gut feeling. The coincidence is just too great. And (2) that I didn't take her to the vet immediately when I noticed her acting a little off. I didn't think we'd make it in before they closed and I wanted to wait a little while to see if she felt better the next day. There was only a very slight change in her behavior the day after the bird incident, but as her mother, I just knew something wasn't right.

Aside from that, I feel like we did everything we could to save her once we knew something was wrong. We kept her in the vet on IV fluids for a week. When she still wasn't improving, I took her out of the vet to see if being home would give her the motivation to get better. The very same day I brought her home, I took her to another vet for a second opinion, just to make sure I covered every base. That vet suggested I put her to sleep sooner rather than later, perhaps even that night. But I couldn't. I took her home to spend her last night cuddling in bed with us and waited until we got the second round of bloodwork from our original vet. She suffered so much that last night, even though I knew she was happy to be home with us. It was absolute torture, but I truly felt that we had no other choice because of how sick she was.

What bothers me so much is that I just never saw this coming. She was always so healthy, I thought she'd live a very long life. I would always tell her to live a long time for mama. I expected her to be an old, arthritic cat when we had to make the decision about whether to put her to sleep. And even though the thought of having to do it someday many many years in the future tore my heart to pieces, at least I would have the comfort of knowing that we had given her such a long, happy life. And that we'd had so many wonderful years together. I never would have thought that I'd lose her after only 7 years. I can't even really wrap my head around it. I feel like she (and I) were robbed, and that is so hard to deal with.

~Jess

I am dreading Christmas as well. It's normally my favorite holiday, but without Sydney here to chase wrapping paper and keep me company while I'm decorating the tree, I don't know how I'm going to survive it. I have a stocking embroidered with her name, and I know it's going to kill me when I pull it out of storage.

Hi,

Thank you so much for that! Again I apologize for making you think about stuff you manage to put out of your mind ( sorry for the bad timing too). I read this last night. I am having the best day I've had in long time, and I thank you for that. You are able to focus on what matters. Once you knew something happened you took care of Sydney. All of us on here had something happen to our babies...the point is we all love them so much, and we jumped into action (for me 5 days a little to late:( ) You are focusing on the right part...I am focusing on the wrong part. People in my life tell me to do this, but until you put it in writing, it never made much sense to me. You love Sydney, like I love Mouses, so coming from you it means more.

I am glad you have managed not to go down that road (trust me NOTHING good comes out of it). Sydney got into something, it is not your fault in any way shape or form. Just like Mouses died of her illness, not something I did wrong. The bigger picture is that we loved them to pieces, and took the best care of them in their time of need. You did a lot for Sydney. You did more than I did for my Mouses...you should be proud of that. I am sure a week of intensive care wasn't cheap. I am glad you took her home. I took Mouses home. As you know it was a torturous night, but so worth it.

Sorry you were cheated out of time with Sydney (and without much warning). The hardest thing for me about Mouses death is her age (12) and sudden passing. All of the cats in my life passed away at 16+, even the outdoor ones. I really expected her to live to be 20...like it was a given. I always expected her to get Cancer or something around 18, and we would fight it out for a couple of years until we lost the battle (had a savings account for it and everything). Out of all of my cats she was an indoor kitty, she was fed the best, saw the vet the most, and had us around her the most. Most of all (as I can imagine it was with you and Sydney)...she was loved the most by me, our bond was special, and I didn't think God would take that away from me. It was just her time. It wasn't personal, it was just her time. I know the seven hurts. One day we will be with them for all eternity and the 7 and 12 will not matter anymore.

Thanks again, Chris (Mouses mommy)

Hi. I'm so glad my words were able to bring you some peace. Trust me, your question did not force me to think about things I had put out of my mind. It is on my mind 24/7, just not the medical aspects so much. It's her absence that just makes me crazy. I feel like she was just here. Where did she go? Even though we knew for a week this might be coming, even though we were right there with her when she passed, I don't feel like I've had any closure. I'm not sure why, but I feel like I can't let go and move on. Not yet. Some part of me is holding on so tight, and it's like a nightmare that I keep experiencing over and over again.

Like you and Mouses, Sydney and I did share an incredibly close bond. I didn't fully realize just how strong it was until she was gone. I can honestly say that I feel like I was closer to her than anyone else in my life, people included, which scares me a little because I often wonder how I am ever going to live the rest of my life without her. But I, too, believe wholeheartedly that we will be with them again. I came across this quote the other day, and even though I tend to disagree with the first few words, I really like the overall sentiment: "Missing someone gets easier every day because even though it's one day further from the last time you saw each other, it's one day closer to the next time you will." -Author Unknown

~Jessica

Funny...I say a version of that every morning when I wake up and look at Mouses pillow or picture. I say, "I'm one day closer to seeing you Mouses." I also say, "another day in hell...but at least I am one day closer to you Mouses.
This weekend will be 6 months for me. I also try to ease the pain by thinking of it as 6 months closer to seeing her.

I think I get lost in the medical stuff, because I can't bear to think of how I am really living without her. I loved her more than anything, and I have a great husband and children...and that scares me. It is the reason my husband made me go to therapy. I wanted to die after Mouses left me. I couldn't breathe without her. I love my kids with all of my heart, but Mouses was my special piece of this world. She was my happiness. I almost didn't have children, because I didn't want to be one of those people who shoved their pets to the side. When my daughter was born, I think I tried even harder to show my love to Mouses. Then because you can lose yourself as a Mom, Mouses became a big part of my personal time. I bonded with her even more. All of her time became quality time. It is when she became a lap cat. It is when she started to sleep with me every night. The last four years of her life were our best years together. I want more of it. I feel lost without her. My movie buddy. My husband and kids have my heart and my love all day...Mouses was my "me time." That is also why I have a new cat, the cat is for me....it is a different kind of love.

I hope one day we can both learn how to live without our buddies...not just float through life...but live. It is too soon to let them go. We don't have a reason to yet. It is not easy to let go of the best part of your life. I think the last four years of my life will always be my favorite (babies under 4, and Mouses). Do you ever wonder if they miss us too? My husband fully believes our kitties float through planes of existence now. He says, "Mouses has all eternity, why wouldn't she come by and see you...that cat followed you everywhere?" I hope he is right! I hope she knows why I don't respond to her. Do you have those kind of thoughts? I also just realized why I think of Mouses 24/7. It is because I ALWAYS DID, so I am just doing it now in a different way. Maybe that is why you think of Sydney 24/7 too!

Chris

Yes,I still do that and it's been almost 3 years since my boy Sox passed away.Sometimes it just amazes me how much time has gone by and I still miss him and think of him all the time.I have adopted 2 other cats and I love them and it helps me with my grief.But my boy Sox is buried in my backyard so all I have to do is look out my back window and it reminds me of him.Please know that it does get easier and the old saying of time heals all wounds is true although you will always miss Sydney.Your grieving right now ans it's perfectly normal to feel the way you are feeling.I'm sorry for your loss and please know that I am thinking of you and I will keep you in my prayers.Bless your heart,I hope it will get better for you very soon.Take care of yourself.

I don't think they miss us the way we miss them, because I believe they're around us a lot more than we realize. I believe there is an afterlife on another realm after our time here on earth, and that our bodies are just physical shells that hold our spirits for a few years while we live our life (or perhaps lives). Because we are still here in the physical sense and they are not, we miss them. But I bet their spirits come around quite often. Why they don't "show" themselves more often, I don't know, but I imagine we will all find out someday. I hope so.

very much so jess, i think the same thing about the last this and that also ,so many things remind us of them and now that there not here anymore its hard because a lot of things are associated with them,the couch they sleeped on,a certain part of the room they sat,a week before jeannie passed i steam cleaned the carpet i was going to do another area again last week.and i thought to my self the last time i did this jeannie was still here,so i know what you mean with that and its hard not to think that beacuse again so many things so remind us of them i also dont want to trow any thing out that reminds me of her.

I remember those feelings oh so well. I couldn't even take our garbage bins out for collection after my Buddy died, cos he wld always come out with me. I remember wondering why I didn't see him sitting on the front door mat. Everywhere I looked ppl wld be walking their dogs & it reminded me I couldn't do this.
Go Gently
elaine

Dreading this weekend because I have to clean the oven and the last time I did was about 2 weeks before Hobbes passed. She wandered out into the kitchen and started getting curious about the open oven door and I had to warn her off. She was a very involved cat...loved to "help".

I do this too...Hobbes slept on my arm (or my head...I've been told) every night. I miss that. I also think about her every time I open a bag of pretzels. She was a fool for pretzels. I look for her when I come to the front door because even when she was an old lady (except if she was feeling a little off) she was the first one at the door.

I am very very lucky that I have two other cats who are so different from my Hobbsies...Bunny Sue and Ziggy are both sweethearts and for most of the time they went to my husband because Hobbes was "my" cat. I noticed though when Hobbes was starting to really get frail and spending more time asleep in her chair upstairs that Bunny was sitting next to me downstairs. Some mornings I even wake up with Bunny on top of my pillow and Ziggy perched on my hip. I've noticed that dynamics have changed too.


I miss her dreadfully even though she was 20 years old and had lived a very full(and good) life. I think that the worst part was realizing that she was waning and wishing that I could give up 10 years of my own life if I could have spun back the clock for her.


((hugs)) Cathy