I found this site while trying to work through the loss of my dog Holly who I love so much. I have so many feeling lof love, loss, regret and guilt.

Holly was my heart dog, a dog so precious and special to me because of our amazing bond. I have lost loved dogs before and each one hurt a lot. This time it feels worse than ever. It was very unexpected even though she had just turned 14. Her coat was glossy and she had a great appetite and was always ready to come for a short walk with me. I kinda thought we might have another couple of years together.

8 weeks ago I was in an accident that fractured a couple of bones so I was very much concentrating on getting better and trying to run a small farm, so my attention wasnt so much on the dogs. I did notice about 4 weeks ago that Holly seemed to be breathing heavier than normal and perhaps wasnt quite as keen on coming for a walk. Her appetite was great but a couple of times she seemed to choke on her kibble. I looked in her mouth and her teeth are pretty worn and she eats fast, so I decided to wet her kibble and feed a commercial RAW diet with some yoghurt which she loved and there was no more difficulty swallowing.

She seemd to be doing well but I noticed her starting to pant more again so I made a vet appointment on a Friday. Out here a vet is a 2 1/2 hour round trip and the emergency vet is a 6 hour round trip. The vet examined her and said her heart seemed fine and that she probably just had old dog lung problems and gave me a bronchiodilator and suggested I bring her in for an x-ray the next week if they didnt help. She could have done the x-ray that afternoon but I couldnt wait around outside for hours in the heat, because of where I live it is just not a question of me going home and waiting and I still feel guilty about that although the vet has told me that she hadnt seen it as urgent at all.

Well she seemed fine and that afternoon was barking at the other dogs when I was training them and getting her share of eating sausage treats I use. Saturday evening she seemed less keen on her food so I fed her raw steak which she loved. She seemed to be getting worse so I stopped the medication in case she was having a reaction to it. Well Sunday night was one from hell, poor little thing could hardly breathe. I was up all night and no way of getting her to an emergency vet safely because of the vast distance. I have never felt so alone and was the longest night ever.

X-rays at the vet the next day showed a pleural effusion and shadows on her lungs. The vet drained the fluid and I took her home to await test results. The draining had eased her breathing but I was still up all night. The next day she was very calm but had stopped eating or drinking. She wanted to come in the car when I took the other dogs to check the sheep. It was a hot day and her lack of drinking and eating worried me.

I rang a vet friend who is also a specialist and she told me that a pleural effusion in an old dog is never good and was most likely cancer. I booked her in to the vet that day to euthanaise her. The results hadnt come back and the local vet does not do consults after mid day and I couldnt put my Holly through another night struggling to breathe, but we all agreed it was most likely cancer and her lung cavity was starting to fill back up as she was starting to pant. Her colour was poor and she was starting to dehydrate. I couldnt put her through any other intervention just so I could hold her longer so she went to sleep while I held her. I cetainly didnt want her to die overnight at the vets alone in a cage. The vet was great and we had a long discussion before I made the decision and it was so hard but I knew it was the right one. The test came back later and confirmed cancer.

My specialist friend told me it was unlikey I would have picked up the signs early enough to save her as they do very well on 25% of their lung capacity. I just felt so unprepared and I guess I feel some guilt from having had to concentrate on myself after my accident. I wish I could have held her more and spoilt her more. I wish I had had the x-ray done that Friday and waited for a few hours in the heat, I would have if I had known.

We had some great adventures together and she knew how much I loved her and had so much trust in me. All the other times I have been able to take her pain away and get her better. Not this time and boy does that hurt.

I have 4 other young dogs who love my attention but it was Holly I had the extra special relationship with. I am definitely finding it hard to let her go. Each morning I wake up with this knot in stomach. I call her and tell her I love her and always look to her favourite sleeping place. Her eyes would shine like diamonds when I did stuff with her and she used to look at me with such love. She was always the first to greet me when I came home. She has left a chasm in my heart the size of the Grand Canyon.

I think just talking about it on a site like this is helpful. Most people out here wouldnt understand, they have working dogs like I do but have no hesitation shooting them when they get old or cant work.

Hi, SummerHolly, please permit me to offer you my sincerest sympathies in the physical loss of your beloved Holly. Losing a companion is never easy regardless of the circumstances or how long we are blessed with the privilege of their company. Euthanasia is the last gift of love we can give to our companions so that they can be restored to their former youthfulness in the company of the angels.

SummerHolly, this grief journey is one of the most painful experiences you will know on this side of eternity. It is a journey that is filled with many different emotions that can overwhelm us all at one time which is why it is frequently referred to as a horror roller coaster ride. It is a journey that can only be traveled one day at a time, sometimes one moment at a time for you are now on a journey that is filled with all the first withouts and the memories that can be all too painful right now that include this time yesterday, last week, last month, last year to endure.

Please let me try to reassure you that what you are feeling and experiencing is very normal deep grief - - very painful both emotionally and physically, yes - - still very normal. Guilt / remorse comes from looking back and trying to make sense of all the things that didn't "add up" at the moment they were happening which results in all the "whys" "what ifs" and "if onlys" that haunt and torture our heart and mind at a time when we are so emotionally vulnerable from the deep sorrow. From what you share with us, SummerHolly, there is no doubt you did everything in your human and humane power to give your beloved Holly a happy, healthy earthly journey. I hope in time as your deep grief eases you will come to know that every decision you made for your beloved Holly was the RIGHT one at the moment. Instead of easing her journey on the Friday you took her see her doctor, you gave both her and you the opportunity to share a few more days together - - and in so doing - - you came to know beyond all shadow of a doubt that your beloved Holly needed to be released from her frail, failing physical body.

Our companions inherit a genetic trait from their wild cousins that enables them to disguise how they are feeling as an illness / injury affects them until the pain / discomfort is to the point when they can no longer hide it. This, of course, is of little comfort to us as their human caregivers and health care providers. From first hand experience with companions who have developed cancer this disease is a very incidious illness that would take super-human powers to detect it before symptoms appear. As with human medicine, sometimes veterinary medicine can intervene and restore a good quality of life to our companion's, and sadly - - there comes a time when the only thing we as their human guardians and veterinary medicine can do is to lovingly, compassionately ease our companion's journey home to the angels.

SummerHolly, we live in a physically oriented world governed by the five senses of sight, sound, taste, touch, and smell. Every time our companions lick / kiss us, touch / rub us, they are literally chemically imprinting themselves onto us so that they can identify us from all the other millions of people on this planet. When the precede us to the angels we literally experience a withdrawal from their chemical imprint, and this is one of the many reasons why this grief journey is a very painful one both emotionally and physically.

We are also influenced by society to believe that the physical realm is the only "real world" in which we live. However, there is a dimension that goes beyond the physical realm - - and this dimension is love. Love is eternal, SummerHolly - - it is not restricted to the physical laws of time and space. Your beloved Holly's sweet Living Spirit continues to share your earthly journey as she always has and always will - - for she is always and forever a part of your heart and memories - - she is always and forever a heartbeat close to you.

I know all too well from first hand experience that when our hearts are entrenched in deep grief there are no adequate words in any language that can soothe the searing pain of sorrow. Still I hope the words I share with you will offer you some measure of comfort, support, encouragement, and hope as you travel your grief adjustment journey.

SummerHolly, thank you so much for honoring us in sharing your beloved Holly with us. Perhaps sometime you will feel up to sharing a picture of her with us - - but only when / if you want to. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, SummerHolly, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Moon beam, thanks for your kind wise words.

Holly was a gentle loving cow dog, she loved any new pups I bought home, playing with and guiding them. She was a dog of joy and everytime we worked together her eyes would shine like diamonds. She loved my touch and when she became old and might fall and hurt herself on a walk I would sit on the ground and hold her tight and she would snuggle in to me in total trust that I would make her feel better.

On walks while the young dogs were playing she would be by my side and I would look down to her and her eyes would look into mine with love and that comfortable feeling of knowing each other. I think that is what I miss so much. That totally in tune connection.

She was also my lamb dog. I would have to pick up stray lambs and try and find there mothers and Holly would let them snuggle up to her. None of my other sheep dogs would be so inclined.

She was a truely loving, innocent and gentle soul as well as been up to try anything that I was doing. I just never wanted her to feel any pain and illness, I wanted the best for her, she was so innocent.

I know we shared a wonderful 14 years together and it makes it so hard to lose her. Cancer is an isidious, horrid disease, I lost my father to it because he too was diagnosed far too late.

This photo was taken a couple of weeks before she died. She was helping pick up a couple of lost lambs. Such a sweet girl.

Hi, SummerHolly, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing, and this wonderful picture of your beloved Holly with one of the lambs she helped to foster. I do so understand how you feel when you share with us: ". . . that comfortable feeling of knowing each other." Your beloved Holly truly has a loving heart, and you are blessed to be her soul, and sole, heir to her eternal love. I hope as your intense grief eases you will know that no matter how much time passes as you continue your earthly journey the "connection" you and your beloved Holly share is always growing each minute of every hour of every day of every year.

Although your other companions do not possess the same "spirit" as your beloved Holly, your "connection" with them is only "different" from what you share with your beloved Holly. This doesn't mean you love your other companions less - - it simply means that your relationship with them is different - - because each relationship we have with each of our companions is unique because each of our companions are uniquely individual.

Thank you again, SummerHolly, for sharing your beloved Holly with us. It is obvious from the expression in her eyes and on her face that she knows she is eternally loved. I hope today is treating you kindly, SummerHolly, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Holly's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Yes you picked the reason I chose that photo. The expression on her face is one that is so familiar to me, one of kindness and love and the knowledge that I loved her so much and would always keep her safe. Although it does hurt to look at it a little at the moment.

Yesterday I played a lot more with my young dogs, to get to know them better and to explore their indivdual personalities. I told them we needed to have some fun and they really responded. A couple of them in particular have been aware of how I have been feeling and I catch them staring at me thoughtfully from time to time and they will come and lie close to me.

Thanks again for your kind words and observations

Hi, SummerHolly, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. I'm so glad you are finding comfort with your precious companions. I can so relate when you share with us: "A couple of them in particular have been aware of how I have been feeling and I catch them staring at me thoughtfully from time to time and they will come and lie close to me."

It is very normal for a remaining companion(s) to assume a "role" they haven't previously done when one of their housemates is no longer physically present. I firmly believe your beloved Holly is "mentoring" her siblings to offer you comfort and support that only they can give you, and you, in turn, in offering them comfort and support during their grief journey are also comforted.

My precious companion Noah is my sole surviving companion in a household that used to enjoy the company of four companions - - including Noah. From December 2006 to March 2010 my precious Noah and I released three of our beloved companions from their terminally ill physical bodies. From his very young tender age as a kitten my precious Noah always took on the role as "caregiver" - - first for his beloved beautiful sibling baby sister Abbygayle, and then when he and Abbygayle joined our family, he added his big adopted kitty brother Eli and his big Black Lab doggy brother Oslo to his "caregiver" role. Since March 2010 it is just my precious Noah and me, and each day my precious little boy and I come closer together in heart and spirit. Because of my age and limited retirement financial resources my precious Noah will be my last companion on this side of eternity. He is 11 years old now and I am blessed to still have him with me, as I came so close to losing him in September 2012 and November 2013 to two separate medical emergencies. Thankfully, - - these times - - his veterinary care providers were able to restore him to a good quality of life, but these two incidents so very close together keep me mindful that one day my only choice will be to ease his journey home to the angels. Each day with him now is a blessing I do not take for granted.

Some people fear that if they "bond" with another companion that it will in some way diminish the love they share with their beloved companion. I assure you, SummerHolly, this will not happen. With your beloved Holly's sweet Living Spirit to guide you and your precious companions, I know you and your companions will also find a mutually unique bond in heart and spirit that will belong only to them.

I hope today is treating you kindly, SummerHolly, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Holly's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

The night after I lost Holly, my next oldest dog was sitting next to me, she suddenly jumped up and started barking at a spot next to the arm of my chair. I got up and out of the corner of my eye I thought I caught some movement like a dissapearing black whisp, but I couldnt see anything on further inspection. My other dog sat fixated at that spot for some minutes. It was very strange and I like to think that it might have been my Holly in spirit form.

Thanks for sharing your own story, it must have been very hard to lose your 3 companions in that space of time. Noah sounds like such a precious boy and I really hope he will give you a lot more years where you can treasure him.

It certainly gets really hard as we ourselves get older and lose companions. My elderley mother recently lost her heart dog and along with that come loneliess and the emotion of worrying about having another animal. My sister and I found her an older rescue dog that we will take on if something happens to Mum which eased her worries. I certainly understand your situation.

These companion animals are indeed gifts that help us in our own journey in life but with them comes many lessons, extreme joy and sadness. They break our hearts when they leave which is a testament to how loved they are in our lives.

I think of Holly all the time and am probably a little still in denial that she is gone from the physical world.

Hi, SummerHolly, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. Indeed, your precious companion was very likely letting you know that your beloved Holly's sweet Living Spirit was there with you. Generally speaking our companions are more "in tune" with the "other worldly" dimensions than we are. Please let me reassure you that you are not losing your mind.

Even now these many years since my beloved companions transitioned home to the angels - - once in awhile I will feel a "thump" on the bed or hear a "thump" as though someone were jumping down to the floor - - or hear the tingling of ID tags as though someone had shaken their head / scratched around their collar. And I know it isn't my precious Noah as he is usually resting comfortably next to me, or settled on one of his many window perches. When these "things" happen I know it is one of my beloved companions letting me know he / she is still with me, and I find this to be very comforting.

I'm so very glad your mum knows you and / or your sister will look after her precious companion should she precede her companion to eternal joy. I know this brings great comfort and reassurance to her.

Thank you again so much for sharing with us how you're doing, and your treasured memories of your beloved Holly. I hope today is treating you kindly, SummerHolly, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Holly's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Just as I think I am starting to feel a bit better, a really bad day comes along where I miss Holly so much my heart actually physically hurts. I wake up in a sweat thinking about what I should have done in thoses last couple of days. Other times I think of the good times and that also hurts.
The emptiness her passing has left is incredible really. I guess I still find it hard to accept. My other dogs are great and a couple of them stay close and come for cuddles. I really wish there was a fast forward button on all of this. I know the feelings will settle eventually. I just loved that little dog and her gentle loving spirit so much.

Hi, SummerHolly, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. I do so well understand how you're feeling when you share with us: "Just as I think I am starting to feel a bit better, a really bad day comes along where I miss Holly so much my heart actually physically hurts." Indeed, this grief journey is a very painful one both physically and emotionally. Eventually you will begin to have more better days than not so good days, but until this time comes for you please know we are here for you for as long and as often as you need us.

SummerHolly, this grief journey is not one of "acceptance" to the physical absence of your beloved Holly but rather is one of "adjustment." During the 1970's / 1980's there were many articles and books written on the grieving process, and many words such as "acceptance," "moving on" etc., became part of the clinical vernacular. Recently clinical professionals now recognize that these words are misreprensentative of the grieving process, because who in reality can "accept" the physical absence of a loved one - - whoever the life form? Instead, clinical professionals now recognize that the grief journey is one of "adjustment" to the physical absence which is a process that takes time - - one day at a time, sometimes one moment at a time. So please know that what you are feeling and experiencing is a very normal part of this grief adjustment journey as you share with us: "The emptiness her passing has left is incredible really."

I hope today is treating you kindly, SummerHolly, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Holly's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

It has been a few weeks now since I lost one of the most important lights in my life. It has been a rollercoaster ride and for me a time of reflection on not only my beloved Holly but also the special people in my life I have also lost over the years especially as Christmas draws near. It seems sometimes that one stares mortality in the face, I think this becomes more a function as one gets older as the losses mount up.

I have come as close to understanding depression as I have ever been which has given a greater insight and empathy perhaps. I read the pinned article Overcoming grief about pet loss and it was very good. Especially the section on guilt.

I think the worst thing is that there is nothing we can do once the pet is gone. It leaves such a feeling helplessness and what ifs. The finality of it in this physical world cuts to the bone.

I want to hope that Holly legacy is to leave me with a greater empathy and understanding of lifes journey. I loved her so much.

Hi, SummerHolly, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. Indeed, as a senior citizen I can most certainly understand what you share with us: ". . . a time of reflection on not only my beloved Holly but also the special people in my life I have also lost over the years . . . I think this becomes more a function as one gets older as the losses mount up." And as the holidays engulf us, what is supposed to be "the most wonderful time of the year" can in reality be the "most horrible time of the year" when our hearts are saddened by the physical loss of loved ones - - whoever the life form.

Also, like you, I share in your hope that one of the legacies our beloved companions gives to us is a more compassionate heart as we continue our earthly journey blessed by their eternal love. May your heart find peace and joy in the many treasured memories you and your beloved Holly share, and may her sweet Living Spirit bring you comfort.

I hope today is treating you kindly, SummerHolly. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

In the grieving process I didnt really know what denial meant. I mean I cant deny that my gorgeous girl has gone. However I get flashes where I think she is still here and that her passing is just a nightmare. It really is quite bizarre. I still have a few seconds where I think I will once again touch her soft fur or look into her adoring eyes. I really do struggle to comprehend that she is gone even though I know that she has.

It really is a difficult process this grieving. Some days I wonder how I can live without her in my life other days I feel like I am slowly readjusting. How can one small life have such an impact. I miss her so much.

Hi, SummerHolly, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. This grieving process is one of many ups and downs, twists and turns, and turnarounds. Please let me try to reassure you that what you are feeling and experiencing is very normal deep grief when you share with us: "I get flashes where I think she is still here and that her passing is just a nightmare. It really is quite bizarre. I still have a few seconds where I think I will once again touch her soft fur or look into her adoring eyes."

Clinical professionals now recognize that losing a beloved companion is a traumatic event. When we experience a loss, our minds and bodies literally go into "survival mode" to help prevent the deep grief from totally overwhelming and consuming us. This is one of the many reasons why we find ourselves slowly adjusting to the physical absence of our beloved companion. Another component is that every time our companions lick / kiss us, touch or rub us they are literally chemically imprinting themselves onto us so that they can identify us from all the other people on this planet. When they are no longer physically with us, we literally experience a chemical withdrawal from their imprint, and this is another reason why this grief adjustment journey is both physically and emotionally painful.

Once again, SummerHolly, I wish to reassure you that what you are feeling and experiencing is a very normal part of this grief adjustment journey. I promise you that one day the deep sorrow in your heart and the roller coaster ride of all the different emotions that accompany this grief journey will ease. Please know we are here for you for as long and as often as you need us.

I hope today is treating you kindly, SummerHolly, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Holly's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Well I just spent my first Christmas without my beautiful Holly. 14 years ago I picked her up at Christmas from her breeder when visiting my family and she slept in a little box near the Christmas tree on Christmas morning whle we were sharing gifts with the family. I named her Holly for Christmas. She then did the long drive back home with me and did not make a sound for the 5 hour trip, just slept happly at my side after refusing to go in the back with my other dog separated from me. From that time on we were inseperable and I knew then that she was a very special dog.

Holly loved Christmas. My mother spoilt her rotten when we visited and she loved my mother. It was sad for both of us when I arrived on my mothers doorstep and Holly who was always first to greet her, tail wagging furiously wasnt there to greet her when she opened the door. I felt sad that she wasnt there to share our Christmas and all the goodies that come with it.

I really like the pinned topic " The only way to get him back is to be happy" I read this and it is so very wise.

I miss my Holly like crazy but she was a gift and she taught me a lot. She was pure and generous and trusting and there wasnt a mean bone in her body. I know she would want me to be happy and to give other dogs a safe and loving home where they too can know that I will always try and protect them and where they can flourish.

I plan to scatter her ashes near my creek where the wildflowers bloom in Spring. I still have the ashes of a 3yo dog I lost years ago and my Mother has 3 of her old dogs to scatter. So one perfect day we will scatter them to the wind and in Spring behold the carpet of flowers that will bloom across them and they will be physically reunited with nature while hopefully somewhere their spirits may wait for us..

Love you my beautiful girl, sleeping in my heart for ever, a very precious gift.

Hi, SummerHolly, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. It sounds like you and your mom have a "plan" on how to honor your beloved Holly and each of your beloved companions come spring.

Indeed the holidays can be very difficult especially when they are the "first without". It is our treasured memories that eventually helps to ease the deep sorrow, and I know when you think of your beloved Holly she is simultaneously thinking of you and the same memories. Love is not restricted to the physical laws of time and space.

I hope today is treating you kindly, SummerHolly, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Holly's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Thanks Moon_beam. I know that you understand all this and I think this site is indeed a haven people who are experiencing the intense grief of losing a loved companion. I know I am working thorough mine and looking at positive ways in which I can move forward. You offer your wise words and compassion towards people on this journey, which is a great gift that honours your loved companions.

Hi, SummerHolly, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. "Moving forward" is not a straight line during the grief journey, and from first hand experience I suspect there are some days when your sorrow must still feel overwhelming. Please know we are here for you to share the not so bad days, the not so good days, and the days when your heart feels like ti can no longer bear the burden of your deepest sorrow.

I hope today is treating you kindly, SummerHolly, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Holly's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Hi, SummerHolly, thought I would stop by to see how you're doing. I hope today is treating you kindly, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Holly's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Hi Moon_beam, thanks for asking. I stop by occassionally. I still miss my beautiful girl. I lost a good friend recently to suicide which was devastating and shocking and for awhile that was like going through it all over again. My girl slipped a little bit to the back of my thoughts while I dealt with the loss of my dear friend. Now she is back and I miss her very much most of the time. I guess if you love an animal so much you just have to do the best you can when you lose their physical prescence. I now have to work through the loss of 2 special beings in my life.

My other dogs are a great joy to me though and I am so glad I have them.

I hope you are well and your Noah is still healthy