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> My Precious Kitty For Over 10 Years Died In My Arms On Thursday And I
1000 Oceans of T...
post Jan 10 2011, 08:50 PM
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Group: Pet Lovers
Posts: 3
Joined: 9-January 11
Member No.: 6,950



Hi,

I am brand new here and crying a 1000 oceans of tears over losing my little baby girl elderly kitty, Fuzzy, who died in my arms on Thursday morning Jan 6 at 7:15am, and whom I special-needs-cared-for for over 10 years. I'll post some photos of her soon. We believe she was about 15 or maybe 18. From day 1, she had a bad tongue so couldn't eat well nor groom, so had to buy special foods, bathe her weekly, clean gunkies from her nails, brush her, surgery on her tongue to at least stop the footlong drool (her tongue, the vet believes, was lacerated badly prolly trying to eat out of jagged tuna cans in the trash), etc. She was the sweetest, most loving, special, purring-all-the-time little baby you could ever meet. My baby. I don't have children so she was really a baby to me. When I found her, she was abandoned on the streets and in such BAD shape. Matted on her entire body, she smelled REALLY badly, drool to the ground, emaciated you could see her ribs, and big GIANT fleas feasting on her tiny 6-7 pound body including BIG fleas crawling around her mouth and nose, YUCK. I HAD to help her. She became my whole life, my entire routine was for her - getting up so extra early to do the special "milkshakes" for food and pills etc, coming home early for same and the subQ fluids, special beds, baths, etc. etc. etc.

I am beyond devastated. Entirely. I don't know how I'll ever, ever, ever get over this crushing pain and debilitating sadness that is raw and to the core like an exposed nerve in a blazing inferno or tornado wind. I had thought she might die a few times before and managed to save her. Seizures twice in my arms back in '05 and '06, bad heart murmur after that, and then in June of 09 I moved across the country to southern CA for a new job and new life. The first few days here I saw her eye get a funny color, but it cleared up and we thought it was just a broken capillary from the cabin pressure in the long flight. Then, two months later, in August '09, she collapsed. I rushed her to the vet ER and they thought she had a stroke and might die. Next day the specialists and cardiologist said not so, it was a manifestation of extremely high blood pressure plus poor kidney values. I was shocked as her blood work was perfect in May, right before we flew here. We prayed the kidney values were only bad from a possible UTI which it turned out she did have, too.

However, once that cleared up, her kidney values remained bad. This was devastating news to me. It was CRF - chronic renal failure. Also, the untreated high BP had caused her retinas to detach and she was going blind. So for the next year and a half it was all kinds of vet visits, tests, several pills (three pills, twice a day) that I had to "make" by cutting them into tiny pieces and putting them in a gel capsule then wrapped in chicken skins (as she was too smart to take them any other way and would clench or fight me - I didn't want to give her high blood pressure just giving her the blood pressure pills!). This was after stressing her out a lot and trying a lot of things, and foods she used to love she refused to eat for weeks if she "found" a bad tasting pill hidden. Plus other things didn't work since her tongue, although sewn back together, didn't work correctly so pill pockets and most shapes would just fall back out of her mouth. Her CRF, it seemed, was stabilizing and the blood pressure pills plus heart pills seemed to help her murmur and BP for a while, but then she started having BP and kidney and heart issues again. We increased the meds last Spring and began her on Subcutaneous (Sub-Q) fluids once a day, 50ml. Also, in spring, we found a bloody lump on her shoulder and had to remove it by local anasthesia as she was too delicate (only 5 pounds by now) and sickly for general. They biopsied it and it was cancerous.

Well, it recently came back too, right before Xmas. She was due for a checkup before Xmas but I then got very very sick and couldn't bear to take her for her checkup just yet. Then my 85 y.o. mom and dad (who live in my home - I am their fulltime caregiver, too, when at home from my own job) both got so sick too. Then we had days of rains and horrific ant infestatations. I could'l leave some of her favorite treats out for her on my bed where I used to overnight as the ants would come in and all over my bed, so she probably got more hungry while I slept. Then she started to eat less, then started to miss her box more and more, plus going more blind. I am STILL sick and only now have a lesser cough, but over last weekend she showed more signs of decline so I had planned to take her to her vet last week. But, I had to ask for some time off at work to do so. I called in sick on Monday to be with her and observe, and Tuesday went to work but told my boss she was sick (and my Dad was still sick too) and that I may need to take some time off to care for them both. He said fine.

I tried to get her appt on Tuesday but had some work meetings, so I told my boss I had to take some time off on Wednesday and for the rest of the week and all of next week. I have never taken one minute of vacation time as I'm new on teh job, but have taken a lot of sick days. I knew either she'd need a lot of in home care, or might be nearing her end. He let me leave early on Wednesday. I called her vet who didn't have an appt available but on the phone, the vet really thought it was symptoms of another UTI and if she did not eat or drink, take her right in. But she did eat and drink that day, albeit not much. Then when I gave her her subQ fluids, she panted and panted on and off rest of night, but at times seemed OK and purred as we tried to sleep. Her vet didn't have an appt available on Thursday but still said if she ate/drank, no need to rush her in. We had an appt for 9am on Friday. Fuzzy seemed to breathe a bit funny that night, and I somehow managed to sleep a bit, hoping we could both sleep a bit late and get some rest. Then I woke up at 5am (my normal work awake time) but she was panting. I was going to rush her in but now feared she was too weak and could die in the vet's office. I pilled her at 5:30am and then she appeared to breath more normally. I had calls in to the vets who opened at 7am for advice, but I thought she was resting again by 6am looked like she was just tired. All morning I was patting her gently, kissing her over and over and over and telling her how much I loved her over and over and over.

Then "suddenly" at 7am, she got very restless, couldn't get comfortable. Went from one bed to the next and couldnt lay still. Went to her water, but didn't drink. Gave up adn went back to her bed on my bed but peed on my bed before she made it to her heated bed. Then at 7:13 or so she got very restless again, and tried to hide under a table in a corner or to go to another room. I brought her back to the bed and she began to really gasp for breath with her mouth open and toungue out, and as my mom tried to get her another bed in case it was more comforatble for her, she flopped towards me and collapsed, gasping, and flopped once more, gasping again, while I SCREAMED for my MOM who came running into the room. She had just died in my arms then and there at 7:15am. I was alone with her. I am HAUNTED too with the image of her last horrific gasps for breath and flopping over. I will never get rid of this terrifying image in my memory. I AM SOOOOOOO SAAAAAAD and am in shock still. I hugged her and kissed her for two more hours before I could summon the courage to take her into the vet's to prepare for cremation. There, i also hugged/kissed her more for another hour but her legs were getting stiff.

I LOVED HER MORE THAN ANYTHING ELSE EVER EVER IN THIS ENTIRE WORLD. And I am 48 years old. Seen death before, but never someone this CLOSE to me like my very own child where I really DO feel like I GAVE BIRTH TO HER. I went into grief counselling immediately, The pain is crushing like a steamroller, the grief deeper than the ocean, adn my tears will fill 1000 oceans. How can I cope? I cannot even go into my bedroom to sleep anymore, and hate going in there to get clothes etc. I have not slept without her for over 10 years. I have to sleep in another room. My bedroom was Fuzzy's and mine - every corner is filled with her memories - her heated bed in one, her food/water/supplies in another, her subQ station and towels/cloths/etc at another, and her two litter boxes and papers (where she'd miss onto) in another. I cannot bear to put her things away. I'm glad this forum is here as it helps to know I can "talk" here and people will understand my baby's special needs, my horrific grief, and sorrow, and my deeper than anyone can imagine LOVE for this little baby of mine. God bless you Fuzzy. My only true love EVER. I MISS YOU!!! sad.gif (((((((((

Now I have such emptiness. So many hours each day for loving care for her are now just empty. I do have another cat but she is more my Mom's and is NOT a cuddle-bug, hates being held, and will hiss/growl/smack/bite if try to hold her for over 2 minutes. Fuzzy purred as SOON as you touched her, and purred ALL the time, LOUDLY and lovingly. I miss her SOOOO MUCH. I cry and cry and CRY and CRY and CRY... It helps to read everyone's posts and I'm new so will take some time to catch up on everyone's story. SHE DIED. MY HEART DIED WITH HER.

~1000 Oceans of Tears
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1000 Oceans of T...
post Jan 10 2011, 09:25 PM
Post #2





Group: Pet Lovers
Posts: 3
Joined: 9-January 11
Member No.: 6,950



Reply to my first post here: Here are some pix of my baby Fuzzy. The one with the little teddy bear is from 2005 before her first seizure, the others are more recent. The sunset one is January 6th, the day she died. I can't believe the sun makes a cross, I was there and begged a photographer to email me some of the pix, and this one was so chilling to me with the cross, the lonely paddler (like me alone now, trying to keep afloat in life without her), the bird like an angel's wings, and the soft pillowy clouds which I imagined Fuzzy's little spirit paws floating above, on her new soft and warm bed in kitty-Heaven.

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Hugs and Love to all who are grieving their lost pets,

~1000 Oceans of Tears
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Christina R.
post Jan 10 2011, 11:40 PM
Post #3





Group: Pet Lovers
Posts: 11
Joined: 25-December 10
From: Largo, FL
Member No.: 6,914



I understand everything you are feeling ... you perfectly described how I've been feeling since losing my sweet dog, Spooky, on 12/23. It's devastating ... a tremendous loss and so difficult to imagine moving on from.

I am so so sorry for your loss. I feel your pain ... and it is very real.

My sincerest condolences to you.
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kajoorsmom
post Jan 11 2011, 12:04 AM
Post #4





Group: Pet Lovers
Posts: 50
Joined: 11-June 10
Member No.: 6,531



So terribly sorry. What you are feeling is completely and entirely normal. I know her last moments were horrifying but you gave 10 beautiful years. What a blessing that she died in your arms, where she was most prized, most loved and most happy. There's no where else she would've wanted to be at the time. Eventually, you will be able to see her memory as a precious gift. Until then, the healing process requires confronting our grief and honoring the wonderful little creature that belonged to you. My thoughts are with you.
~Rachu
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rainbohdi
post Jan 11 2011, 04:24 AM
Post #5





Group: Pet Lovers
Posts: 58
Joined: 28-December 10
Member No.: 6,922



hi

i can completely relate to the total devastation that you feel, it feels like it's just too big and horrible for words to describe it. my sweet princess was taken in an awful way that i doubt i'll ever forget but i just keep trying to make myself think of the trillions of happy memories i have of her and that seems to help some. i'm sure you have trillions of good ones too, especially knowing what you saved her from.

i am so sorry you are suffering so terribly, i am too and i try to remember from this wonderful place that as alone as i feel, i actually am not. it helps sometimes to just come and add updates to your post, even if you haven't got anything new to say, you can say the same thing as many times as you need.

take care as best you can



--------------------
"There is no right way to grieve, there is just your way."
"It will take as long as it takes."
Rusty Berkus
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Cheryl83
post Jan 11 2011, 11:52 AM
Post #6





Group: Pet Lovers
Posts: 655
Joined: 24-May 10
From: Liverpool, UK
Member No.: 6,508



1000 Oceans of Tears,

I am so, so sorry for the devastating loss of your precious Fuzzy. She's one of the most BEAUTIFUL kittys I have EVER seen. A true angel that was sent to you so you could both share 10 years of love and happiness. Unfortunately, our angels physical presence is only a loan, and there comes a time when God needs them back. This does not mean that your journey together is over. I'm convinced that our babies are still with us -- we just can't see them. Fuzzy is free now from any suffering she may have been in; she is happy and healthy; and she will wait for you.

I know you feel like it will never get better -- but trust me, it will. Allow yourself time to grieve, to cry, and to heal.

You're definately not alone. We are all here for you. Please let us know how you're doing.

Take care,
Cheryl xx


--------------------
It broke our hearts to lose you, but you didn't go alone,
For parts of us went with you ... the day God called you home


My beautiful Angel, Daisy - I will love and miss you forever xx
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kestle
post Jan 11 2011, 01:15 PM
Post #7





Group: Pet Lovers
Posts: 31
Joined: 10-December 10
From: UK
Member No.: 6,900



Dearest Fuzzy's Mummy,

It is very hard to put into words what i really want to say to you. I do want to say though what a very lucky puss Fuzzy is to have had you for her Mummy all these years. As hard as it is please just try to think if you hadnt found her she would not have had those years of loving care and would not have survived at the start.

I lost my baby dog just a few weeks ago and just like you i am in bits. I can relate to every word you say, please believe me. I am 63 yrs old and have rescued so many precious animals who are part of the family, as precious as children, every bit. I am not going to even try to tell you that you will feel better soon because a broken heart does not heal, it just in time somehow feels as though its repairing, a little by little.

Please if you can find the time read Our Precious Miracle Baby story. I was sat alone and felt she was talking to me from heaven. I used to talk for her and to her as most do and i honestly believe that the communication does not end, ever. I keep telling her how much i miss her but she says "I know just exactly how you feel and i wish i could have lived forever on earth with you but we cant and just as a catterpiller turns into a butterfly we have to turn into angels all of us one day untill then just love me as i still love you untill you too come to where i am now".

Please exuse the way i write, i write as i speak. I hope some of it makes sense to you.

Lots of love,

Gloria
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moon_beam
post Jan 11 2011, 03:58 PM
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Hi, Fuzzy's Mom, please permit me to add my sincerest sympathies in the loss of your beloved Fuzzy. Losing a beloved companion is never easy regardless of the circumstances or how long we have been blessed with the privilege of their company.

The last moments of our beloved companion's life with us can be very traumatizing. Clinical studies show that a tramatic event is "recorded" in our memories and plays over and over again, like a phonograph needle stuck in a groove of a vinyl record (I know, I'm ****** myself). The more the traumatic event, the more the recorded memory plays over and over, creating a clinical condition called post-traumatic stress disorder. Losing a beloved companion is a very stressful event, and I just want to let you know that what you are feeling is normal. In time hopefully you will be able to re-focus your thoughts on the many precious memories you have of your earthly journey together with your precious Fuzzy, and this will help to dim the traumatic last moments of Fuzzy's transition to the angels.

This grief journey is more about "adjusting" our lives than it is about "moving on" or "getting over" the physical absence of our beloved companions. Our beloved companions are the center of our universe during their earthly journey with us, and when they precede us to the angels our lives, and our hearts, are left with a huge gaping hole that is painful - - both emotionally and physically, particularly in the deep grief.

Some people are afraid that if they are able to "adjust" their lives to the physical absence of their beloved companions that they will be forgetting them. Fuzzy's Mom, I assure you this is not true. The love bond we share with our beloved companions is eternal. It is not restricted to the physical laws of time or space. Therefore, there is no way we can ever possibly forget them, nor are we "leaving them behind" - - for our beloved companions' sweet Living Spirit is forever with us in our hearts and memories, and they continue to share our lives just as they always have, and always will. Our lives change for the better when they come into our lives, and they change again when our beloved companions precede us to the angels. This time, however, we are blessed with the lifetime of memories they have given us to cherish in our hearts, and their eternal love, and nothing can ever take this away from us.

Fuzzy's mom, I know right now there are no words in any language that can begin to take away the piercing agonizing pain that is in your heart and deepest emptiness in your life. As the other wonderful responders have already assured you, I wish to add my reassurance as well: This grief journey is a one day at a time journey, sometimes a one moment at a time journey, and it is one you do not have to travel alone. Each of us are here for you for as long and as often as you need us. It is my sincerest hope that you will feel both our individual and collective strength and encouragement coming to you, reaching out to you, to help bring some comfort to your shattered heart.

Thank you so much for sharing your precious Fuzzy with us, and for the beautiful pictures. Sharing your memories of your precious Fuzzy will be one of many ways you can honor her earthly journey with you, and we will be honored to share them with you.

Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Fuzzy's mom, and please do let us know how things are going whenever possible.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam


--------------------
In heaven's perfect garden there is no grief or pain, and all of God's creation join the angels' sweet refrain.

The most blessed way I have of knowing God's comforting love and grace is to look into the eyes and heart of God's creatures' sweet angelic face.
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Aaron
post Jan 13 2011, 09:21 AM
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Group: Pet Lovers
Posts: 154
Joined: 29-October 10
Member No.: 6,859



What a heart wrenching story, I am so sorry for the loss of your sweet Fuzzy. What I take away most from your story is that you deeply cared for and loved Fuzzy and gave her an incredible life. Imagine if you two had not crossed paths like you did. She would not have had the fulfilling LIFE that she did, but luckily you were there to take her in. Always remember that you gave her a life she otherwise might not have ever had.

The trauma from losing a loved one, especially in the manner you did, is very difficult to deal with, at least initially. Those last few moments are etched in your mind and are as clear as day, partly because they were the last and most recent moments you shared with Fuzzy but mostly because of how traumatic those moments are. We were by our Reggie's side when he passed and it was without a doubt the most difficult thing I have dealt with in my life. We were not expecting nor ready for him to pass - we were about to take him back to the vet. So I, as well as others here, know how you feel. Over time you will be able to reconcile with your feelings and appreciate the relationship you had with Fuzzy and the life you shared together. But these first few weeks and months will be difficult, I won't lie. But we will be here to help you through those tough days. You don't need to weather this storm alone.
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1000 Oceans of T...
post Jan 13 2011, 02:31 PM
Post #10





Group: Pet Lovers
Posts: 3
Joined: 9-January 11
Member No.: 6,950



QUOTE (Aaron @ Jan 13 2011, 06:21 AM) *
What a heart wrenching story, I am so sorry for the loss of your sweet Fuzzy. What I take away most from your story is that you deeply cared for and loved Fuzzy and gave her an incredible life. Imagine if you two had not crossed paths like you did. She would not have had the fulfilling LIFE that she did, but luckily you were there to take her in. Always remember that you gave her a life she otherwise might not have ever had.

The trauma from losing a loved one, especially in the manner you did, is very difficult to deal with, at least initially. Those last few moments are etched in your mind and are as clear as day, partly because they were the last and most recent moments you shared with Fuzzy but mostly because of how traumatic those moments are. We were by our Reggie's side when he passed and it was without a doubt the most difficult thing I have dealt with in my life. We were not expecting nor ready for him to pass - we were about to take him back to the vet. So I, as well as others here, know how you feel. Over time you will be able to reconcile with your feelings and appreciate the relationship you had with Fuzzy and the life you shared together. But these first few weeks and months will be difficult, I won't lie. But we will be here to help you through those tough days. You don't need to weather this storm alone.


Hi Aaron,

Thank you for your kind thoughts. When I was looking for a pet loss forum I found your story and this website and was very, very touched by your story, so I felt this was a good "home" for me to share about my devestating loss and I truly hoped that you and I could share our feelings. This will take months, if not years, for me to get over. I truly feel the same way you felt about your kitty. I'll write more later to you and to all the others who posted kind thoughts in reply to my story about Fuzzy. Today is one week to the day that Fuzzy died in my arms, and it is always VERY painful to see the clock strike 7:15am each morning. I cry instantly around 7:13am (when she'd gotten very agitated). Bless you and know you are also not alone in your grief. I'm deep in mine and it helps to know we are not alone.

~1000 Oceans of Tears (Fuzzy's Mommy)
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