Lost Another Baby

As many of you know we lost our little Kota kitty just over 3 weeks ago. Well out of concern for his sister Neko (Baby Girl) we decided to take her in to get checked out to be sure the Lymphoma was not hereditary, well we did that yesterday and the diagnosis was not good.

A bit of history on Baby Girl, back in March we noticed that she had quit eating(due to change in food we guess), so we took her to the vet and she had lost 4 lbs in just over a month. Because of her not eating, she had developed fatty liver disease and was at risk for system failure if she did not start eating. Well we brought her home with a special high calorie can food and secluded her in a guest room and fed her every few hours, to our relief she loved the food and gobbled it up. She regained some of her strength and was back to being herself again for the most part. We took her back for a checkup visit a month ago and she hadn't gained much weight but other than that she looked good. So we felt we were in the clear for the time being. Well then we had the issues with Kota and then he passed and we tured our focus to Neko, we noticed at that time that she had become more frail and acted like an old old lady. She was very skinny from the weight loss but she was also slow to move and just over all looked much older than she really was. However no matter how she felt, when Kota passed Neko made an extra effort to love on my wife and I and try to fill the shoes of her lost brother. She followed me everywhere and was in my lap the minute I sat down, she turned into a completely different baby. It was a pleasant change and I welcomed the extra love and affection I was now getting from our sweet Baby Girl.

So yesterday I dropped her off at the vets so they could run a full battery of tests on her to be sure she was doing okay. Well the vet called me and said that the prognosis wasn't exactly good, he said he found a large mass in her abdomen that wasn't there a few months ago, but he wasn't sure what it was. When I came to pick her up he took me back and showed me the xrays so I was clear on what he was talking about. He told me the best option was exploratory surgery to get a full picture of what it was and remove it if it can be removed. But at the same time he told me that, he said that there may be a chance that it is a cancerous tumor that cannot be removed and that once its been agitated it will grow much faster and her quality of life will diminish quickly after the surgery which he recommended at that point to choose not to revive her from surgery. So I chose to take her home last night so that my wife and I could spend some quality time with her just in case it was her last day on this earth. We loved and hugged on her, gave her some treats, and just showered her with lots of love and attention. However when we looked into her eyes you could see that she was in pain, you could tell something was wrong beneath the surface, so I think my wife and I knew we would have to say our goodbyes this morning.

I woke up at 7:15 and found Neko lying on the bed next to me, so I leaned over and hugged, kissed and loved on her, I then began to cry because I didn't want this to be goodbye. I put her on my shoulder and squeezed her and told her she had to come back home to us, that she couldn't leave us yet, that we needed her here with us, but deep down something told me that would not be the case. I took a shower and got ready, then I went down stairs and my wife and I loved and hugged on Neko some more, and we both began to cry. We both told her to come back home soon, that we would be waiting here for her, but somehow we both knew that would not be the case. With a heavy heart I picked up Neko and put her in the carrier and took her to the vets office, I fought back the tears the whole way there, trying to stay strong for Neko, so that she wouldn't be scared.

I got to the vets office at about 7:45 and reluctantly passed her off to the vet tech and asked when they would be doing the surgery. She told me the vet had come in early just to start this surgery on Neko, she said they would be starting in just a few minutes. Knowing that our vet, whom we have been with for so many years, went out of his way to take care of our baby as quickly as possible, brought a small bit of comfort because I know she was in good hands. I got back home at about 7:55 and my wife and I sat patiently and waited for the phone call from the vet. At about 8:40 the phone rang and it was the vets office, the vet was in surgery with Neko and the tech was going to hold the phone up to him so he could relay the info to us. Turns out the mass in her abdomen was a massive tumor, it had grown so fast that it ruptured and hemorrhaged into her abdominal cavity and was probably causing her discomfort. He said this tumor was attached to her stomach and her pancreas, and removing it would compromise the blood supply to those organs and she would probably not recover from it. He also said that the tumor has already spread and she had 3-4 nodules on the lining of her intestines, so his recommendation was humane euthanization. Upon hearing this news I burst into tears and tried my best not to let him hear me do it, my wife could tell by my reactions that the outcome was grim and she began to cry too. I tried my best to retain some sort of composure and answer the remaining questions he had for me. Once I got off the phone I broke down, my wife and I collapsed on one another and began to cry uncontrollably. We knew this was coming but there was truly no way to prepare for it, the pain was difficult to bear.

Even though we were somewhat prepare for this, it doesn't make it any easier to deal with. However the benefit we have from this that we didn't have from Kota is we knew what it was and we knew she was in pain and that letting her go was the best option. Doing this was the best thing for her, shes no longer in pain and shes now with her brother. But that doesn't make it any easier to deal with the fact that now our house is that much more empty. The 2 brightest stars in our house have now left us, and the emptiness in our house and in our hearts is hard to take. I don't know what to do, I was just coming to terms with losing Kota and now we've lost Neko as well, it hurts so much. The hole I had in my heart just grew twice as big, our 2 children my wife and I have had since we got married, have left us. We are so overcome with grief, we have so many memories with those babies that no longer having them with us is difficult to accept.

2008 has been a difficult year for us, full of so many emotions. First my wifes mother passed which was difficult, but then we brought home our adopted son which was a joyful occasion, then my father in-laws dog passed, then Kota pased, and now baby girl. We've had to deal with so much pain, but our son has been a gift to us, a positive focus that has helped us thru these difficult times, our only hope is that things get better from here, because I don't think we can handle anymore sadness.

Lost My Little Kota

My cat of 12 years Kota, passed away Tuesday night of currently unknown causes. He was diagnosed with diabetes back in February and we were just recently getting his levels normalized with his insulin shots. However this past Sunday my wife noticed he was Jaundice because his ears and gums were yellow. We rushed him to the emergency vet and they did some tests and they found that the liver was failing for some reason but couldn't do anything without an ultrasound to get a good picture of what the issue might be.

So the emergency vet took care of him Sunday night keeping him fed and on IV fliuds and Monday morning my wife picked him up and took him to our regular vet and they took care of him and kept him on the IV fluids and he was getting better. Then they referred us to an internal specialist would could do the ultrasound and figure out what was wrong with him. So Tuesday morning my wife took him to the specialist office and left him in their care. They took the ultrasound and noticed he had an enlarged liver, spleen, and lymph node. So at around 3:00 they did a biopsy and sent them off to the lab for &%^ysis. At that point they felt he was well enough to go home, so I went to pick him up. When I got him at around 4:00 he was overly lethargic and out of it, I assumed because they sedated him for the biopsy. I brought him home and set up a bed of towels in our bedroom so he could sleep off the sedative, we left to go to my sisters house for dinner, when we got home at around 9:00PM we found him lifeless under our bed.

My wife and I are devistated, Kota was like a child to us, the sudden death was such a shock it has cut us deeply and the pain is almost unbearable. I had to bury him in the yard and it was the most painful thing I've ever done in my life. We are waiting for the vet to get the test results back to determine the cause of death, and it turns out he was not sedated for the biopsy, he was just that far gone and could not function which only makes it hurt that much more. Could we have done anything to help him? Could we have eased his pain?

Kota was our favorite kitty, he had the personality of a small child, always inquisitive, always getting into things he shouldn't, and always in the mood to cuddle with his Mommy and Daddy. When I felt bad or had a migraine, Kota was right by my side in bed with me, purring in my ear helping me to feel better. Whenever we got home from work in the afternoons, Kota was there to greet us and follow us around the house meowing and trying to climb our leg till he got some loving from us. Whenever Mommy would take a bath, or I would brush my teeth, Kota was always their waiting patiently to get a drink of water. He had such an outgoing personality and an overwhelming presence, that our house seems that much more cold, quiet, and empty now that hes gone. The pain I feel right now is almost unbearable, I can't seem to stop crying, everything reminds me of him. I cannot sleep now because all I see is images of his lifeless body lying on the floor and thinking about how he died cold and alone and how I should have been there to comfort him. I need help, I want the pain to go away, it hurts too bad. We have other kitties in the house but even they remind me of him. I continue to find myself crying uncontrollably at the smallest things that remind me of him. Finding myself in situations where we used to share little moments causes me to burst into tears, even if they weren't very significant, it still makes me miss my baby boy and it hurts so bad. I can't stand this, I just want my little Kotaman back.