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> Lost, My dear cat
kirsty
post Feb 19 2014, 11:45 AM
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Group: Pet Lovers
Posts: 10
Joined: 14-February 14
Member No.: 8,238



I am really struggling with my loss, although it is still very recent, only just over a week ago. I keep crying and aching with the pain of not having him with me anymore. He was my baby. I also feel guilty that I could not save him or look after him and had to hand him over to be ...you know what. There is guilt too. I never wanted to have to be in that position, but wanted it to be God that 'gives and takes life' not my decision. I feel like a murderer. It is so hard. He didn't know why I was taking him to the vet and he trusted me and I feel like I have let him down. He depended on me and I just handed him over. I loved him so much and I hope he knew that, even though I did that to him. Can anyone else identify with any of these feelings? Does anyone else feel lost and alone and confused and in shock. I keep walking round the house, not knowing what to do. How do people cope and get through this? It is so hard and you feel so alone as the rest of life carries on yet I do not have my little furry friend, love, companion, support, comfort and joy anymore. I have not even received sympathy cards which I would have liked. When does this terrrible ache and pain go away?

Every photo I try and upload is too large to be allowed; not sure how I can do it? I notice other people have managed to do it.
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moon_beam
post Feb 19 2014, 01:28 PM
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Hi, kirsty, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. Please let me try to reassure you that what you are feeling is very normal deep grief - - very painful both emotionally and physically, yes - - still very normal. Euthanasia is the last gift of love we can give to our companions at great sacrifice to ourselves so that they can be restored to their former youthfulness in the company of the angels. This is what love is - - it puts the needs of our companions ahead of our own. I hope when your deep grief eases that your heart will be able to find peace in knowing that you did the RIGHT THING for your beloved companion, and he is forever grateful to you for being his Forever Mom.

I am not a technology whiz by any stretch of the imagination. Please do not hesitate to e-mail our wonderful forum Administrator to ask his assistance with uploading your pictures. I assure you he will be more than happy to help you.

Kirsty, I hope today is treating you kindly and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved companion's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam


--------------------
In heaven's perfect garden there is no grief or pain, and all of God's creation join the angels' sweet refrain.

The most blessed way I have of knowing God's comforting love and grace is to look into the eyes and heart of God's creatures' sweet angelic face.
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Gretta's Mom
post Feb 20 2014, 07:48 AM
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Group: Pet Lovers
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Oh Kirsty
My heart is crying with yours at the homegoing of your precious kitty. Every word you write is true, true, true. Eight years ago my very first dog chose me at the very first adoption event I'd ever attended. Gretta, a rescued chocolate lab, walked slowly over to me, laid her head gently on my lap and pawed my leg as if saying, "Please take me home." I did and this began the best five years of my life. Gretta IS kind and gentle. people used to stop us on our walks to say how kind her face looks. So I call her now, the kindest chocolate lab who ever lived. I grieve for her every day - in fact I am crying right now as I always do when I write about her or the dog she sent to me after she left this earth aand went on to the perfect World. (This is Rufus, my big black dog, half black lab half-newfie - more about Rufus later).

Gretta was 9 years old when I adopted her and you can see what's coming. She walked a little slower but wasn't chorically ill - outwardly anyway. One day - a Saturday I remember as though it was yesterday - she crashed. At 5 AM she walked around the block with me. By 3 PM she couldn't even stand up. She was on her way home. I had a neighbor help me get her into the car and we drove to the U of MN vet school hospital. We went into a room and I held her for the last time. Told her how much I loved her and what a truly GOOD and KIND dog she was. And then I nodded my head, the shot was given, and after a few seconds, she relaxed in my arms and was home. I have NEVER, EVER felt so sad.

Over the next few months, with the help of "mother" Moonbeam - who gently cares for and teaches especially the newly bereaved here on Lightning Strike, I came to realize many things. First, triggered by the words of a grief counselor at the Vet School that animals choose their time of coming and their times of going, I realized that Gretta was not an inferior being. She and I were in an equal partnership. Then, lovely Moonbeam taught me about how people live in a world of senses - if we can see or hear or touch something, we call it real. If we can't, we call it not real or not existing. This NOT the case. Our special animals, like us, have spirits as well as bodies. They only appear to leave this earth. They leave us in bodily form, but their spirits stay right where they ever were. So your precious cat is right where she ever was - by your side. Watching over you, guidling your path, and most of all, sharing the amazing love you've always shared. The hard thing is to set the belief in "materiality" aside.

From the words of the grief counselor, I realized that, before our animals came to earth,, they had to be somewhere, and after they leave the earth, they go back there - go back home. I came to call that place the Perfect World. There they are young again, in perfect health, with warm sunshine to bask in, cool shade to rest in, nourishing "soul" food to eat and clear water to drink. And myriads of friends to play with or just sit and trade stories about how THEIR mom is the best mom on earth. (As spirits, they can be in two places at once.)

Then I reflected (cryinng all the while) that some animals seem to capture our soul in a special way. And it hit me - this is what people mean (even though they don't usually realize what they are saying) by soul-mates. You and your precious cat are soulmates. You share a single soul. Like all other soul-mate animals, your kitty searched the universe over to find YOU, just you, her soulmate. And when she found you, the immense rush of love between you confirmed that she had found her one and only. Her soulmate. That's why the life you shared together on this earth was so extraordinary. Somehome it was far more than what most people described about their relationship with their animals. Because it IS. And then I discovered why it hurt SOOOOOOO much when our special one went home to the Perfect World. When they leave, they take a piece of our soul with them to love and care for AND they leave a piece of their soul for us to care for and love. It's the missing piece of our souls that makes us hurt so much. It literally a hole in the heart. And although some people say that after a while the incredible pain somehow softens into fondness and even happiness at the memory of times we shared, I have not found that to be true. Maybe it's only with soulmates that the sadness continues although at a much lower level.

Kirtsy, pplease believe me when I say that, far from having anything to be guilty about, you have actually passed the test of true love. You have set aside what you knew would be immense suffering for you and put your precious cat first. You set her free and accepted the hardest load of all - seeing to be alone. From your words, I KNOW that everything you did, during your whole life with your cat, was done in love for her. You have absoultely NOTHING to be guilty about. Sad, yes. Raving against an unjust universe, yes. But guilty, no. Your wonderful kitty felt that every day of her life on earth and continues to feel it now. Now it's her turn to take care of you. She send rays of love to you. YOu can call her name, say hello to her, thank her for finding you, eve ask her help in difficult times. (People must be sick and tired with all my posts to Gretta and Rufus asking for strength and thanking them for help.)

Kirsty, you're in the robot period right now. Your brain realizes that your body cannot tolerate such intense pain and has shut down all but the most necessary systems to preserve your energy. You walk through what HAS to be done in your life just like a robot - going through the motions but feeling like a zombie. I think everybody whose soulmate has found them goes through this. After a while, the may go through a period of sobbing, crying, crying out as though the world were ending - because for you, it has. Gradually, your kitty will become more real to you as you keep realizing that she is still witih you and that your relationship is continuing. But my experience has been that there is a lump of sorrow and loneliness that never goes away. UNTIL .... you, too, pass over what some people call the Rainbow Bridge and enter the Perfect World .... where you one-and-only is the first one in line to welcome you in, "Mom, Mom, you're here." Your joined soul is complete and you will never, ever be separated again.

Kirsty, you asked if other people felt what you are feeling now and I hope something I have said in this FAR too long post has answered some of your question. Yes, everyone who has loved and shared a soul with another being suffers immeasurably at their physical parting. It's the price we pay for opening our hearts in love to another. AND there is a Perfect World waiting after while.

Please surround yourself in the love of your kitty's spirit who is somewhere very close to you and loves you just as she did every minutes of her life on earth. Please keep us posted about your lovely soulmate. we now love her too.

In comradeship and love,

Gretta and Rufus's mom (Rufus has a story too)

PS> I know there are a hundred typos in this post. I'm getting old and sometimes I hit the wrong keys - and I know if I proofread this, I will cry all over again.
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Lisa D
post Feb 23 2014, 08:24 PM
Post #4





Group: Pet Lovers
Posts: 1
Joined: 22-February 14
Member No.: 8,246



Hi kirsty,
I am going through the same thing. I had to put my beloved Simon to sleep. I cannot function. He was my only friend and now I feel desperate. I am restless and can't accept that he is gone. I too wanted to wait for God but he was too sick. Yet I have a hard time with my decision. There is so much pain and guilt I can't stand it. I hate being in the house. I hope he understood why I did what I did. I keep asking God to explain to him. That is all I can hope for. I feel no comfort and I can't pray. I just say a few words to God and that's it. I will not get any more animals after this. The pain is too great. I hope God consoles you and gives you strength. Just know you are not alone. My mind is still caught up in the details of everything. I can't shake it. I keep blaming myself for everything. All I can think of is all that I did wrong and how many times I wasn't there. Will it ever get better.?
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OnAMission
post Mar 30 2014, 07:23 AM
Post #5





Group: Pet Lovers
Posts: 51
Joined: 26-March 14
Member No.: 8,280



QUOTE (kirsty @ Feb 19 2014, 12:45 PM) *
I am really struggling with my loss, although it is still very recent, only just over a week ago. I keep crying and aching with the pain of not having him with me anymore. He was my baby. I also feel guilty that I could not save him or look after him and had to hand him over to be ...you know what. There is guilt too. I never wanted to have to be in that position, but wanted it to be God that 'gives and takes life' not my decision. I feel like a murderer. It is so hard. He didn't know why I was taking him to the vet and he trusted me and I feel like I have let him down. He depended on me and I just handed him over. I loved him so much and I hope he knew that, even though I did that to him. Can anyone else identify with any of these feelings? Does anyone else feel lost and alone and confused and in shock. I keep walking round the house, not knowing what to do. How do people cope and get through this? It is so hard and you feel so alone as the rest of life carries on yet I do not have my little furry friend, love, companion, support, comfort and joy anymore. I have not even received sympathy cards which I would have liked. When does this terrrible ache and pain go away?

Every photo I try and upload is too large to be allowed; not sure how I can do it? I notice other people have managed to do it.

Kirsty - I sent a PM to you. Just was astounded at how much our two kitties looked alike. I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my Mission boy on March 11th. I had to do the same and send him on. I kept telling him through the night after he suffered the stroke that it was OK to go and that I'd be alright, but he kept hanging in there, I think for my sake so I could spend more time cuddling in bed with him before the vet came to take him away. It was bittersweet the following morning as I talked to him and lay on the floor with him next to his cushion until the vet came to my house and did the final deed. Right before she came to the house, there was a moment that he looked up and out the window at the trees blowing in the breeze and then his gaze shifted up to the sky with a peaceful look. I asked him if he had seen "the light" the rainbow at the bridge and that he could go there and I'd meet him there one day. I am so grateful I had those few final hours to cuddle and talk to him about passing over...but, the pain of his loss, his presence has been excrutiating, as I'm sure you know and feel this too. It is not easy on us.

But, as Moonbeam says, I try to think of it as the final gift/act of love we can do for our beloved pets when they are suffering and to allow them to pass with a little bit of dignity. Think of all the people in hospice who linger on and, though, they say they keep them comfortable and they don't suffer, I'm not so sure. (I wrote about my experience with this and my own mother in my message to you.)

My thoughts and prayers are with you and our two beloved tuxedo kitties. They were beautiful souls.....

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Snapdragon
post Apr 7 2014, 01:07 AM
Post #6





Group: Pet Lovers
Posts: 76
Joined: 14-March 14
Member No.: 8,271



QUOTE (kirsty @ Feb 19 2014, 09:45 AM) *
I am really struggling with my loss, although it is still very recent, only just over a week ago. I keep crying and aching with the pain of not having him with me anymore. He was my baby. I also feel guilty that I could not save him or look after him and had to hand him over to be ...you know what. There is guilt too. I never wanted to have to be in that position, but wanted it to be God that 'gives and takes life' not my decision. I feel like a murderer. It is so hard. He didn't know why I was taking him to the vet and he trusted me and I feel like I have let him down. He depended on me and I just handed him over. I loved him so much and I hope he knew that, even though I did that to him. Can anyone else identify with any of these feelings? Does anyone else feel lost and alone and confused and in shock. I keep walking round the house, not knowing what to do. How do people cope and get through this? It is so hard and you feel so alone as the rest of life carries on yet I do not have my little furry friend, love, companion, support, comfort and joy anymore. I have not even received sympathy cards which I would have liked. When does this terrrible ache and pain go away?

Every photo I try and upload is too large to be allowed; not sure how I can do it? I notice other people have managed to do it.


Kirsty,

I am so, so very sorry for the loss of your dear baby boy. It is just a pain like no other, isn't it. I lost my Molly girl, whom was with me for 16 yrs, not quite four weeks ago and the pain has felt unbearable. The first week all I could think of was that I wanted to just die, the pain was so bad. Scary bad. And I can totally relate to much of what you said---how very painful their absence is, how life seems to just go on in spite of the depth of your pain, and wondering when/if! "Whend does this terrible ache and pain go away?" You're a month ahead of me in your journey of grief. I feel so much of what you're saying. You know you're not alone in your grief. Hugs to you.... - Molly's mom
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BabyHenry
post Jul 11 2014, 02:59 PM
Post #7





Group: Pet Lovers
Posts: 62
Joined: 4-June 14
Member No.: 8,329



Kirsty -

I feel the same too - my best friend Henry died suddenly on June 1 and I'm drowning sadness. I feel terrible guilt too, like what is wrong with me if I never even noticed he needed medical care? What if I had noticed something, and taken him to the vet - would he still be here? If I see him again with god, will he be angry with me for not taking good care of him?

I hope you can feel better soon. You can take comfort in the fact that at least you tried to get help for your kittty. I just failed to even notice my Henry was apparently sick. What kind of friend is that?
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