My name is Erin. I'm 24 years old. I live in Clarks Summit, PA, and I just lost my baby pup, Zoe. She was going to be 8 years old on May 19, we shared a birthday.

Last month she got very sick. I remember the day, I woke up and went into the kitchen. She was on the couch and I heard her get up so I went to give her a hug and kiss. She was in the corner breathing really hard. I thought she was gonna throw up but she didn't. I got her to go outside to get some air and she seemed to be doing a little better. She was outside again when I was leaving for work, I gave her a hug and kiss and turned to go to my car, when I got this overwhelming feeling of panic. I turned around to look at her, and thought to myself, what if this is the last time I see her? I went back over and gave her more hugs and kisses and told her I loved her. That night my family took her to the hospital because she was so sick. The doctor couldn't find anything seriously wrong with her so we thought maybe she just ate something bad.

On Friday, May 13 I came home from work and my mom told me that my best girl wasn't feeling so well, we shrugged it off as her eating something bad again (she was always hanging out near the trash cans) I went out that night and bought her new toys.

The next morning I woke up to my mom coming in my room crying saying she was gone. They took her to the hospital again that morning because she wouldn't get up, my mom and dad had no idea, they thought she was just dehydrated, they left the room to wait in the lobby and the doctor came back and said she was in really bad shape and that they should think about options. Then I guess a nurse came out and said "you need to come quick", by the time they got back to her she was already gone.

My Zoe was the light of my life, my entire reason for existence. The doctor said she just had a weak heart. I've never felt so broken and sad in my whole life. My family's already ok. They got a puppy because my other dog, Guinness, has never been in the house alone and he really needs someone to play with. He loved his big sister and I worry about him a lot.

I'm finding it hard to be close to the puppy.

Zoe was my soulmate, I loved nothing and no one more than I loved her. I should have known there was something wrong.

My family thinks I'm ok. My boyfriend doesn't know what to say to me. My best friend who has been a huge help lives in Massachusetts.

I just really need someone to talk to. I miss my girl so much.

I find myself hoping I'll die soon so I can be with her.

Dear Erin,

Please accept my deepest sympathy on the loss of your wonderful Zoe. She sounds like she was the perfect dog and I am so sorry that she is now gone from you. If there is, ever, anything I can do to support you during this most awful of times, please let me know. I live in Maryland.

Erin, I understand how you are feeling. I am much older than you and have lost 7 dogs and 2 canaries. Each loss crushed my heart and tore at my soul - my boys were so precious to me. I now have a 13 year old rescue C-o-c-ker Spaniel who is very, very sick and isn't expected to make it much longer. I'm not looking forward to that day either.

Losing our best friend in the whole world is the hardest blow to us. As you said, Zoe was the light of your life and your reason for existing. You had a tremendous love for each other and a solid bond. I can tell you right now that the bond has NOT been broken. The bond has changed to a new form. While Zoe is no longer physically with you now, she is always and forever with you in spirit (form). Zoe's spirit (the unseen part that made her Zoe) is right next to you and may even be right in your heart. It will never leave you. Zoe (in spirit form) sees everything you do. She will be so happy when you are happy and sad when you are sad. She is there to help you, especially now, when you are suffering the most. Zoe misses you as much as you miss her.

Zoe is also in a very happy place now. Whatever you call it, I believe, in this place Zoe has NO pain, she is completely healed and is running and jumping around like a puppy. She can eat whatever and whenever she wants to. The temperature suits her fine. Things are good. She has met old and new friends. She is bragging about you to all of them. They are sharing stories. And she is patiently waiting for the day when you two will be together again. Time does not pass for her like it does on earth, so there is no hurry to get there. Zoe also knows how much you loved her. She has always known that.

Erin, all the pain and suffering you are experiencing is normal. You feel the hurt, sorrow and emptiness because you loved Zoe so very much. These feelings of grief are so normal and is part of the whole grieving process. Every person walks the path of grief in HER OWN WAY and IN HER OWN TIME. There are no "rules" for grieving. There is no set time limit. Even if everyone else appears to be OK, that does not mean you must feel that way also! You shared a lifetime with Zoe and you cannot simply give that/her up. And THAT is ok, too.
Feeling ambivalent to the new puppy is quite normal, too. You will never feel the way you did with Zoe with the new guy/girl. In time, you will establish your own relationship with the puppy. But right now you want/need to be with Zoe. Be there. for as long as you need or want to. And please don't think you need to "get over" Zoe. That would be impossible, I still remember my first dog (Nikki) when I was 10 years old. You will remember Zoe and all the things you two did and the love you had for each other.

Erin, all of this takes time (which seems impossible right now) and you should take all the time you need. Yes, we all have to continue our daily activities, but that doesn't mean you will be giving up Zoe. No way. You are a very brave and loving person. You will make it - that I know.

Please know that there are many wonderful people on this site. They will give you the support, understanding and (some) answers that you need. And I am here for you any time, day or night. I am not working so I get to my computer everal times a day. Feel free to write on this site any time. When you are ready, I would love to hear more about Zoe and the amazing dog she is.

You are contantly in my thoughts and prayers, Erin. Zoe is, too. Be good to yourself and get some rest.

Blessings................
Bobbie

Hello Zoe's loved one

I am so sorry about the passing of your best friend. She sounds like one of those rare "soul-mate" animals that some of us, including you, are lucky enough to be found by. They are our 'other-half' and they look for us - just ONE person - out of all the billions of people in the world who is their heart and soul. And we love them and our love comes back to us a million-fold just by their being there. And in proportion as we love and were loved by them, we suffer devastatingly when they leave this world. As Bobbie says, only their physical part has disappeared - and GEEZ does THAT hurt. It's like someone has shot a hole in your heart. But her spirit is forever because love is forever. Another person on this site, Moonbeam, put it this way, that you'll always feel the hole in your heart because when they left they took a little part of it with them - and left a little part of their hearts with us.

Not everyone who has a "pet", even someone who really loves the animal, has had a relationship with one of these srpiti animals. I think that's why so many people seem to be OK so fast. (Or maybe they're just OK on the outside.) When your heart splits, IT HURTS! I lost my very first dog, Gretta, a 12 year old, rescued Chocolate lab on April 10, so I'm just a little ahead of you on this road. Although I didn't get another dog the next day, I found life far too sad with no one on whom to shower my love and, after 4 weeks, adopted another rescue dog, Rufus - a huge (100++ pounds) eight-year-old flat-coated retriever mix. Even though I said no one would ever again sleep in Gretta's dog bed or use her food/water station, Rufus is doing both of these. I'm not entirely comfortable with this, but the poor guy needs SOMEWHERE to eat, drink and sleep. He's a challenge on our long walks and has to get over barking when I come home - that doesn't fly too well in a fourplex - but he has eyes that look like they've seen all the misery in the world and just want to be loved. One of the other people on this site, Peggy, likened her to a person who is around after you've split up with the love of your life - just as a friend. You know you don't love him, but he's a faithful friend - willing to stand by and support you through thick or thin. Then one day, after a long time, you realize that you love him. Not the same way as you loved your lost love, but love him just the same. Some of this has happened between me an Rufus. And maybe some day - after a long time - some of that will happen between you and the new puppy. Both of you need time. And be reassured - animals are FAR smarter than people - the puppy is NOT supposed to replace your beloved Zoe - and, like Rufus, he doesn't realize that you don't love him/her with all your heart - and HE'S OK WITH THAT.

This road is long and it's hard and it's sad, but all of us on Lightning Stike are here for you - any time, any way - without any expectations or timetable or judgement. Alone, we're each like a fragile reed, but together we're strong - for each other. The people here are amazing. Every one of them seems to be someone who has shared that soul-mate relationships with a one-in-the-universe animal. Welcome to our family, dear Zoe's human. Welcome.

Gretta's mom

Hi, Erin, please permit me to add my sincerest sympathies in the loss of your beloved Zoe. Losing a beloved companion is never easy regardless of the circumstances or how long we are blessed with the privilege of their physical company. And it doesn't matter if it's our first experience of loss, our fifth, tenth, fiftieth -- thousandth - - each loss of a beloved companion is uniquely, and extremely, painful - - both emotionally and physically.

Our friend Bobbie has said just about everything I could ever possibly hope to say to try to bring some comfort to your shattered heart. Unfortunately right now there are no words in any language that can come close to offering you any adequate form of comfort. The only thing I can offer you is my sincerest friendship, Erin, hoping that somehow in some way any words that I do write to you will be of some comfort, encouragement, and support to you.

Erin, what you are feeling is perfectly normal. "I find myself hoping I'll die soon so I can be with her." This is deep grief, Erin. It comes from feeling like a HUGE part of you is missing - - and right now it is. When our beloved companions precede us to the angels, they do take a part of us with them - - a part of our very hearts that belongs only to them - - so that they can have a part of us with them to hold and to cherish until it is our appropriate time to join them in eternal joy. In return, our hearts are filled with the warmth of their sweet Living Spirits and the many treasured memories of their earthly journey. But before we can truly understand and embrace this beautiful gift, our hearts must first deeply grieve their physical absence - - which is both emotionally and physically painful.

You see, Erin, we live in a physcal oriented world - - sight, sound, taste, touch, and smell. Our beloved companions fill our lives with their physical presence imprinting themselves on each of our physical senses. One of our forum friends compared their physical loss of their beloved companion as being similar to an amputation - - without anesthesia - - and that is a very articulate description. Our earthly journey with our beloved companions is NEVER EVER NEVER long enough, for we will always want just one more minute, one more hour, one more day, one more - - lifetime with them. Unfortunately, our beloved companions' physical bodies are identical to ours, and are not designed for immortality on this side of eternity. But the WONDERFUL news is that the love bond we share with them is eternal - - it is not limited to the physical laws of time and space. And this is why, when they precede us to the angels, we are blessed with their sweet Living Spirits that are forever with us in our hearts and memories. They continue to share our earthly journey just as they always have and always will. They are sharing our lives in real time now - - as opposed to having to wait for us to return home after work, or school, or errands, or vacation, or visiting with friends or family, etc. to share our day and how we're feeling from the day's events. They are now ALWAYS able to be with us wherever we are and whatever we do.

Erin, as Bobbie has so comfortingly reassured you, so I wish to affirm her words of wisdom to you: In your own way and in your own time eventually you may come to bond with the new puppy. Establishing a relationship with a new companion is strictly a personal decision. No one chooses your human friends / relationships, and no one but you can choose your relationships with fur companions. Each relationship we have with our human family members and friends is unique, and so it is the same way with fur companions.

Erin, I hope you will be able to find some comfort in what I have shared with you today. One of the many important things for you to remember is that you are NOT alone in your grief journey. Each day right now is one of "adjustment without" your beloved Zoe's physical presence with you. Each day is a "first day without" - - and this is a very painful reminder that your precious Zoe is no longer physically present in your life. But please know each of us here do understand what you are going through and what you are feeling, and we are here for you, with you, and beside with every step of your grief adjustment journey you take.

Erin, perhaps sometime you will feel up to posting a picture(s) of your precious Zoe to share with us as well as sharing some of your precious memories you have of her. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Erin, and I look forward to knowing how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Erin,

Please accept my condolences on the loss of your Zoe. I want to share something my 8 year old said after we had to euthanasia my 16 year old cat, Kayla Rose. He said "Mom, KayKay is waiting for you in God's garden, but don't go too soon, you're needed here." All of us here on this site know how you are feeling right now. Most of us have family or friends who didn't/couldn't/wouldn't understand our intense pain from our losses. Just know that what you are going through is a process. Each person is an individual and goes through it in their own time and way.

Please try to be good to yourself.

Shelby (Kaylasmom)

Erin, my heart breaks for you with the loss of your treasured baby Zoe. And what you're feeling IS perfectly normal. The loss of a soul mate pet is one of THE most painful and difficult experiences a person must ever endure.

I lost my soul mate, Abby, 3 weeks ago. She was 16 1/2 and I'd had her since she was 8 weeks old. I'm much older than you but I'm single and have no 2-legged children so Abby and my 2 cats are my kids. When she passed away, I thought I might not get through it. But you know what...I did...I am. It's hasn't been easy and I still have good and bad days. But I AM making it through this. A big part of what has helped me is this site. The people here are amazingly compassionate and insightful. It also helps that I talk to my mom everyday. We don't always talk about Abby but I know that she knows I'm having a hard time and she has been very supportive. I encourage you to talk to your family too. Let them know how you're feeling because this grief is real and legitimate and it's okay to feel it even though it is as painful as hell.

I promise you that with every passing day you will find a way to cope. You'll always miss and long to hold Zoe in your arms but trust me the bond is not broken. My Abby has come to me in my dreams twice since she left. My dad (who passed away in 1994) has also visited me in dreams letting me know they are together. I know they're waiting for me when the time comes...but I also know that I've got a lot more living to do and so do you my dear Erin.

Lean on your family, friends and on the people here and I promise you that you WILL get through this. You'll never stop missing Zoe and I believe that eventually you'll find your way with forming a relationship with that new little pup. I can't imagine having a new doggie right now but still I've found myself on jack russell (Abby's breed) rescue sites because I miss the connection shared with a beautiful dog. They are so different from cats (don't get me wrong, I LOVE my 2 kitties) but it isn't the same.

You keep on sharing here and we'll keep on posting with you and I promise you it'll be okay. Life won't ever be the same without your beloved Zoe but you WILL find joy again-

You are in my thoughts Erin,
Abby's Mom

Erin,

you wrote:
"I find myself hoping I'll die soon so I can be with her. "

At the end of last Feb, I lost my cat Finn in the prime of his life to a car accident (and my precious Linc only a month later to a coyote). It (they) was sudden, shocking and excruciating. I've had other pets die in my life but losing Finn was so beyond anything I'd ever experienced before. He was my child. I was beside myself with grief for those first few days. I felt physically ill. I couldn't function. I thankfully found my way here and read a lot of stories from people who were experiencing or had experienced what I was going though. I thank the gods I did, because by the third or fourth day, I simply couldn't take the grief. I went to bed with it, and it was the first thing that 'greeted' me in the morning.

I am not a suicidal person. But I swear I was not thinking straight and was so unbelievably sad, angry, guilty, forlorn...you mention it, it was me.

I actually started looking up suicidal hotlline type websites. In retrospect, I didn't want to kill myself, but at the time my reasoning ability was severely impaired, and at the deepest point in my grief, I just wanted the pain to end. And the only way that seemed viable in my weakend mental state was for Me to end. So I stumbled upon some of those suicide websites and thankfully, my higher self actually guided me to what I really needed: This place. A grief website that dealt with the loss of a soul pet.

You are not alone. You aren't thinking quite straight and that's okay. That's how it should be now. What happened to you was horrible and traumatic. You can't be expected to be rational and reasonable and frankly, reason and rationale is not what your heart needs or wants now. It needs to Feel a lot of emotions and pain and the non-heart part of you just needs to relinquish control let the heart do its thing. You need to find a way to support your own heart and thankfully the people here are just what the doctor ordered.

I know that feeling of just wanting to die so it won't hurt anymore. The old cliche' ...Death is a permanent cure for a temporary problem. Give yourself time to grieve and let your heart work this out... Unfortunately the heart the works a bit slower than the brain.... A LOT slower. But we will be there for your brain part during its process as it gets frustrated with the unceasing emotions.

My heart is with your heart. We both hurt. But since I've had a little more time, my heart is hurting a little less. Your's will too. I promise.

Connie

Hello Erin

Just wanted to check in with you to see how you are doing today. Every day is different - and some are pretty horrible. Dazed, temporary insanity, the granite slab on your heart, the Zoe-shaped hole in your heart - sometimes even a tiny feeling of ease. We're with you, Erin, every one of us on this site. As you can tell, we're all people who, like you, have loved and been loved by a soul-mate animal. Few others understand this joy - and then the bleak sorrow when our heart goes on before us. We're like pieces of reed - easy to snap alone, but unbreakable together. An old gospel song says, "Sometimes I up, sometimes I'm down, sometimes I'm almost level with the ground ... " The thing about a family like Lightning Strikers is that on any given day, some of us are a little up and some of us are way down there ... so we can help each other and together we live another day. You're a part of us now, Erin, and every one of us who has even a gram of strength to spare today makes it available to others who need a little help bearing their burden. Here's a tiny bit of mine for you today. Hoping for a moment or two of peace for you today ....

Gretta's mom

Everyone, this means the world to me, thank you so much for your kind words. I didn't think anyone was going to respond and I felt even more alone. This has been so hard and to make it worse, I found out my boss wants to fire me if I don't "get it together". This is so unfair because I'm doing my job just fine. And then I tell everyone and they say "just be happy at work". I'm either furious and punching things or so sad. I can barely get my thoughts straight, my whole life fell apart when my baby girl left.

I'm going to post a picture of her tonight when I get home from work. I don't have a lot of time right now.

Your boss is cruel and has clearly never lost a beloved pet. Hopefully you have the long weekend off to try and regroup a little. We'll be here.

Connie

Hi, Erin, thank you so much for letting us know how you're doing. One of the MANY difficult things to do when our hearts are filled with such deep sorrow and pain is to put on the "public face" when we are with people who are totally clueless about the grief of losing a beloved companion. I remember oh so well the gut-wrenching sobbing while driving to work and then home. I was ever so thankful for the privacy of the restroom so that I could have a few private moments to "collect" myself when the grief emotions became overwhelming so that I could go back to my desk to continue working. I never "shared" with anyone at work because I knew all too well that there would be no genuine understanding, no genuine compassion.

I'm so sorry that your boss is threatening you with dismissal. This is additional pressure you do not need. Perhaps you could call a local attorney who deals with unjustified dismissals to see if your boss actually has any "right" to do this according to your State's employment laws. Usually attorneys will offer a free consultation. I would be hesitant to suggest you call your company's human resources department because they are there to promote the company's rights, not the individual employees. So, if you shared your concerns with the company's HR department you could be furthering your boss' motivation to dismiss you.

Erin, there may be a "temporary lag" in receiving responses to your posts, but I assure you that you are NEVER alone in your grief journey, and you will ALWAYS at some point in time receive responses to your posts. I assure you that you are among friends here who do understand first hand what you are going through, and we are here for you, with you, and beside you with every step of your grief journey for as long and as often as you need us.

Erin, we will look forward to sharing your picture(s) of your precious Zoe whenever you are able to upload them. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and I look forward to knowing how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Last night was really bad for me. Guinness (my pit bull) is so afraid of thunderstorms and he was all alone in the living room. I went out there to lay with him and thought about how quiet it was, it was Zoe's snoring that I was missing, and I kept thinking about that morning when my mom came in and told me what happened. It didn't help that I came home upset from work. I cried and cried and cried. I just feel this is unfair and something I don't need on top of my grief and guilt and everything else I'm feeling right now. He didn't threaten me he told one of the other managers and she told me.

I should be thankful that we didn't have to put her down, and that I don't think she was in any pain, it's just that, for the longest time I constantly worried about her dying. They were bad thoughts I should never have been thinking. She used to come find me when I was upset and she would wiggle her butt and start "complaining" to me (I'll have to link a video to show you how she complained). I remember thinking, omg how could I go on without her here to come in and yell at me when I'm upset, and I always told myself that I would be moved out of the house by the time this happened, and I would've been used to her not being around. I feel like I worried about it so much I created it. I just can't believe she's gone. I always worried so much when she got sick, I'd be right next to her if she had an upset tummy and I'd be all over her worrying. Everyone would say "relax she's fine". Even that night when I came, she stood by her bowls and panted and just stood there. I tried to give her a little water but she didn't want any. I sat next to her and pet her and told her how much I loved her, my god I had no idea. I should have known. I sat in my room eating cake and playing a computer game while she was dying. Before I went to bed that night I got up to check on her, she was laying down so I pet her and when I turned to walk away she lifted her head up and looked at me, I went back over to her and pet her some more, normally I would've sat with her until she laid back down but I didn't, I didn't even tell her I loved her. I woke up at around 5:30 in the morning with a horrible pain in my stomach, I thought I was going to be sick. After it passed I went to check on her again and she was just sleeping, and that was the last time I saw my angel.

There were two instances in my life when I knew something bad happened before it did, when my great grandmother died and when my friend's dad died, both times I was asleep and jolted awake before whoever was talking said they were dead.

I didn't feel anything, I was so convinced I was gonna see her the next day. Everything I would have normally done I didn't do, I didn't give her the toys right away because I wanted to wait until she felt better, I didn't sit with her until she laid down because I was tired, I didn't suggest we take her to the hospital like I normally would have done. My friend says that was her doing and that she didn't want me to worry, or any of us to worry, which is why she waited until my parents left the hospital room to let go. Maybe if I sat with her and gave her those toys I would have known there was something seriously wrong and took her, and then we would've had to put her down. I should have felt the moment she died and I didn't. My poor baby girl she was probably so scared, I was supposed to take care of her.

I'm so sorry I'm upset and rambling, here's a picture of my angel.
Thank you all again so much, I'm sorry I'm a little paranoid.

Hi, Erin, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. Please let me reassure you that what you are feeling is perfectly normal. Yes, very painful, but still very normal. You are in deep grief, and part of this grief journey is experiencing all the "I should have's", "should not have's". "why didn't I's", "why didn't I's", and on and on and on. It's called "guilt", and it is perfectly normal to feel these emotions for awhile after our beloved companions join the angels. Unfortunately it is also one of the hardest emotion of this grief journey to reconcile.

Erin, the very last thing we ever want to think about is the inevitable physical loss of our beloved companions. And because of this when we suspect that something is not right we can become "paranoid." Erin, there are so many things out of our control, and the way our beloved companions precede us to the angels is one of them. We are not blessed with the gift of foreknowledge, only the "wisdom" that comes from hindsight, and it is the hindsight that is the source of the guilt in our grief journey. Your precious Zoe does not want you consumed with guilt, because guilt robs us of the joy in our hearts of having shared the most beautiful relationship we can ever hope to have on this side of eternity, and specifically rob you of your joy of having embraced Zoe into your heart and your life.

Hopefully in time you will be able to let go of the guilt that is burdening your heart and embrace your precious Zoe's sweet Living Spirit which is forever with you because love is eternal, Erin.

I truly wish there were an easier way through this grief journey, but unfortunately there are no "fast forward" or "delete" buttons to press to speed up the process. The only way through this journey is to allow yourself the opportunity to grieve the physical loss of your beloved Zoe, and to know you are not alone. We are here for you, with you, and beside you, Erin, for as long and as often as you need us.

Thank you so much for sharing a picture of your precious Zoe with us, Erin. Plesae know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and look forward to knowing how you're doing.

Dear Erin,

I am so sorry for the loss of your sweet dog Zoe. She is a beautiful dog....You said the vet said she had a weak heart. Our little Mickey had heart problems and although he was on heart medication, his little heart finally gave out. About 2 weeks before he passed, he didn't eat much and lost weight, went down hill pretty fast. He had a seizure and died here at home. We were here to comfort him, and it was so hard. He has been gone 3 months........So there comes a time when we can't do any more for our pets when it's time to go. I still cry when I read or write here.

Give yourself time, and I'm sure you'll learn to love the new little puppy......You are in my thoughts and prayers.....God Bless you and your family.

LoveMyMickey

Thank you guys so much.

It's strange, sometimes, I'm alright. Like right now, I know she's gone and I'm okay. I think about all the things I'm going to do to honor her, like make an album of her pictures and put all the videos of her on a dvd, I even want to make a little altar in her honor, and write about all the little funny things she did.

But earlier this afternoon I was driving home and literally screaming at my boyfriend, I had to pull over because I was freaking out. Everyone thinks I should go to a doctor. I used to be on Lexapro for depression and anxiety but I stopped taking it. I still feel guilty about being okay, like I should be sad forever because she'll think I forgot about her.

I just don't want my baby to think I forgot about her. I don't want her to be sad.

Dear, dear Erin!

The picture of your Zoe is so beautiful. You captured so much of what Zoe is in that one picture. And remember, Zoe IS, not was, she IS. Her form is no longer a physical one that you can touch, hold, kiss and hug, but rather a spirit(ual) one that is always with you, no matter where you are, be it home, work, shopping, driving, etc. Zoe is free to be everywhere she wants to be and, I feel, the wants to be with you. So she is. With the pain inyour heart and the sorrow in your soul, that reality may be harder to realize right now, but I think you are feeling that some of the time now. And being in-spirit with Zoe means that you will never forget Zoe. Oh, there will be times when she is not the foremost thought in your mind, but you will always return to Zoe when the time is right, both for you and for Zoe.

Being "okay" at times and then more often is EXACTLY what Zoe wants for you. Zoe knows that you will never forget her. You can't because Zoe was in your life and you were in hers. You are connected forever. Erin, Zoe is no longer sad. She is pain-free, healthy again, happy and care free. She is with all the other spirit friends, both animal and human. And she knows that, one day, she will be with you again. She can wait. She is happy to wait because that means that the person she loves the most is living the life that Zoe wants for her. Zoe will never be sad again because she already knows how wonderful this new "life" is and she will wiat to share it with you.

I think your ideas of memorializing Zoe in picture, video, written words and physical memorial are very good and so healthy. And this is proof that Zoe will not be forgotten. I have pictures of all my boys throughout my house. I visit their graves many times during the year, putting big an little decorations all over their graves. In fact, today I put flags out for Memorial Day to go along with the lady bug whirly things that are spinning constantly, just above their headstones. Every holiday brings something new for them. And I get something different for each of them: 5 dogs and 2 canaries. (And I've been doing this for over 20 years...........) Also, realize that your being able to have times of being "okay" shows that healing has begun. Healing makes the memories of Zoe so much more wonderful and easy to remember. Healing will bring peace to you and joy to Zoe. Healing takes time which makes healing healthy. If you think talking to someone who understands grief and pet loss, then go for it. If you feel we can continue to help lift you up, we are always here 24/7. If not immediately, then very soon.

The fact that you love such a gentle, beautiful creature shows me that you are, yourself, a wonderful person.

May peace guide you forward and blessings bring you rest.

XOXOxo
Bobbie

Thank you again, I don't really want to talk to anyone, except for you guys on here.

Last night was bad again for me, I didn't get to sleep until about 6 am and I had to be up at 8. I was really scared and I hurting because I missed her. I have a few songs I listen to at night and the wholw time the one song was on I was picturing her jumping on clouds and she had little wings. Maybe it's because I was so tired but it didn't comfort me at all. I always picture her alone and it eats away at me. I'm so tired. I'm glad I have the next two days off.

I love reading what you guys have to say because it is comforting to me I just get in such bad states that I don't even know what to do, especially at night, she used to come in my room and SOMETIMES she would sleep with me. Night time is the hardest.

Here's one of my favorite pictures of her and Guinness.

"I still feel guilty about being okay, like I should be sad forever because she'll think I forgot about her. I just don't want my baby to think I forgot about her. I don't want her to be sad."

Hi, Erin, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. As our dear forum friend Bobbie has so compassionately said in her response, so I wish to affirm her words of wisdom: Your precious Zoe does not want you buried in grief and sorrow and guilt. If anything could make her deeply sad it would be seeing you in this prolonged state. During her earthly journey with you she brought love and light to your life, and THIS is what she wants you to remember and to cherish - - and you can't do that very effectively with your heart grieving forever. Remember, there is "a time to mourn and a time to heal" - - it's okay to let your heart heal from the deep grief, Erin, for this is what your precious Zoe wants for you.

And I assure you, Erin, there is NO WAY in heaven or on earth that you will EVER be able to forget your precious Zoe. She is forever a part of you, she is forever a heartbeat close to you. As Bobbie has said, there will be times when she may not be at the forefront of your thoughts, but she is FOREVER in your heart. The love bond you share with your precious Zoe is eternal - - nothing and no one can ever take this away from you no matter how much time passes - - not even the dimming of your mind with age will ever take away the treasured memories you have with your precious Zoe. I promise you this, Erin - - it is the truth.

And I, too, think your ideas of memoralizing your precious Zoe are excellent. When I worked on my beloved companions' memorials it helped me to stay focused on their earthly journey with me, and helped to comfort me through the sorrow of adjusting to our temporary physical separation. I hope you will find this the same for you, Erin.

It is vitally important for you to find things that WILL be of comfort to you during this grief journey, Erin. During our grief journey, particularly during the deep grief, there is little satisfaction we feel in much of anything for awhile becuase our hearts are just not capable of responding to them. Our minds and bodies continue on because they function on "logic" - - but our hearts function on emotions. So when we say, "my heart is not into this" - - that's the absolute truth!!! This is why it is so vitally important for you to find things that will help comfort you during this grief journey, Erin, to give your heart time to heal to the point where you can feel your precious Zoe's sweet Living Spirit continuing to share your life just as she always has and always will.

And you are so right about the nights being the hardest, Erin. This is because the end of the day really hits home that our beloved companion is no longer physically with us. We have the busyness of the day to keep our minds occupied on other things, but the nights are torture during our deep grief. In time, though, Erin, this too will change. One evening will come when you will find yourself not hurting quite so badly, and you will wake up not dreading the day quite so badly. Each day right now is a "victory" just getting through it. Each day is one more day closer to the time when your heart will begin to feel lighter - - when the burden of this grief will not be so heavy on your heart. This is what your precious Zoe wants for you, Erin. This just takes time - - healing time.

Erin, you mentioned that you "used to be on Lexapro for depression and anxiety but I stopped taking it." Did you stop taking this medication gradually under your doctor's supervision? I ask this because stopping a medication suddenly can cause unpleasant withdrawal effects. Sometimes when we are experiencing a traumatic event the chemistry in our brains literally becomes unbalanced, and to help it regain proper balance prescription medication is needed. There are times in my life when I have needed medicinal support under my doctor's supervision. There is no shame in needing this, Erin. I also do understand that medications can have unpleasant side-effects which can lend one to seriously wonder if the medication is worth the risk. So of course the decision is up to you, Erin, and we are always here for you to help in every way we can.

Erin, thank you so much for sharing this wonderful picture of your precious Zoe with Guinness. How adorable that Guinness is giving Zoe kisses. You have many treasured memories of your precious Zoe to cherish, Erin - - and thank you so much for honoring us with the opportunity to share them with you.

I hope today is treating you kindly, Erin, and that you will have a peaceful evening. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and look forward to knowing how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

I wish I could explain to you guys how much this means to me. I feel like I'm drowning but your kind words give me air. Work has been ok, I'm not talking about her at all, at least when my boss is around. He isn't a bad guy I just know he doesn't understand.

As for the Lexapro, I'm very bad at remembering to take medicine. The withdrawals from that were really bad, but since I was always forgetting to take it, I unintentionally weened myself off of it, I haven't been on it in months. When I stopped taking it my anxiety went through the roof. I couldn't even sleep at night. I was thinking about going back on it before my angel pup left. I'm not really sure what to do now. I feel like if I take something I'm in some way insulting her. Just like the wave of guilt I feel when I'm having fun. And then I think about how summer is coming up and how much she LOVED to bake in the sun. She would sit outside and would not come in for anything. I would have to keep going out and turning on the hose so she could get a drink. Then she would finally come inside and just collapse onto the cold floor, haha.

And I think about how I'm going to make it through the first snowfall, she loved to play in the snow. And I honestly think I might die when Christmas comes around. I made this last one extra special for her and Guinness.

I'm finding it hard to do things. I haven't been able to listen to music with words. I can only listen to certain songs and they have to be instrumental. I can't go into Rite Aid because I was there buying her toys the night before she died. I remember being so excited because they were only $1. I always bought toys for both her and Guinness but I got the most joy out of giving her toys. I can't even explain the feeling, like my heart would swell up and I would almost cry because I was so happy. I'm afraid I'll never feel that again. I can't go into the pet store.

I do love the puppy, she's so cute. She's a lot like Zoe in some ways. I just miss my baby girl so much. I had so much planned for this summer for her.

My dear Erin

What a terrible time you are going through! And so early in your life. First of all, you're OK. It might not feel like it but you are. Secondly, please PLEASE do not die before Christmas. Thirdly, Zoe is the SPITTING IMAGE of my new dog Rufus - right down to the white chest blaze and little white chin! Zoe, there are ALWAYS "should have's". I should have seen it earlier. I should have done more. Mine is "I shouldn't have left dear Gretta all alone in a University vet hospital on what was to be the last night of her life. When my mind goes there, it's unbearable. So I have to force myself not to think about that. There are some things that just can't be allowed into one's mind or they stay there and poison it for a LONG time.

Every single one of us begs for "just one more minute", "just one more hug", "just one more kiss", "just one more chance to tell her I love her." Whoever planned this universe made animals' life spans much shorter than human life spans. So when we're chosen by our special soul-mate animal, like Zoe chose you, and we accept the invitation, we KNOW (even though we don't think about it at the time) we KNOW what the end will be and we decide to accept their love and give ours in return anyway. And that's a hugely courageous action.

Erin, being OK is NOT a sign of disloyalty to Zoe or that you're forgetting her. From your writing I can tell that Zoe and you are two halves of one soul. That's true of most of the people here. And only those rare people whose spirit animal has searched all over the universe for them, found them, invited them to accept love, and given their love in return can know what their passing from this earth is like. No, you are NOT supposed to be OK by now, to "have your stuff together." Can't be done. People around us who say stuff like this have never had this relationship with the other half of their souls. As a life-long, on-and-off depressive, please let me suggest that you plug your nose and get back on the medicine (even if that means going to an MD to get a prescription). There's NO shame in that. You expressed it perfectly: your brain chemistry isn't working right. How could it? You've been through one of the biggest shocks and griefs that this life as to deal out. A social worker from the vet school where Gretta passed asked me to think about whether people said all those 'get over it' things about the passing of a spouse or a child. Not a chance. Do they tell parents who have lost a child to 'get rid of their stuff and move on.' If they do, they do it ONCE and then are taken out and shot (not really, but you can wish!). If you have to scream, cry, throw things, curl up in fetal position, eat your way through house and home, call Zoe's name over and over again for hours ..... whatever it is, it is OK. You might have to do it in the privacy of your own room, but it IS OK. What do you think your boss would think if he knew I slept on Gretta's dog bed for almost two weeks? (Call out the straight jackets, I suppose.)

Most bosses are insensitive nerds. Once in a while you get a good one, but that's a rarity. I agree with the suggestions about that (a) you do NOT go to human resources, and (b) you consult - probably by phone - with a labor lawyer or even your state Dept of Labor to find out what constitutes unlawful termination. I was in HR for a while and I know it's at least a three-step, formal process - so just chalk his boorish remark up to , well, boorishness. They can't fire you for sadness - this I know. Put on your "public face" when you have to - even though you're dying inside - and walk (not run) through your day. I'm a crusty old broad and even my voice broke several times at work, even when I wasn't talking about Gretta. It happens. Maybe Mr/Ms Boor will learn something - but don't hold your breath.

Our spirit animals choose their entrances and exits. It's possible that Zoe knew that actually seeing her pass would be far too traumatic for your heart so she spared you. Thank God animals, especially spirit animals - our soul's other halves - are SO much smarter than people. Zoe is watching over you this very minute - guiding you even if you can't feel it. She has been doing that all of your life (and maybe even before that) and will continue to do it until you join her in the Perfect World. Even though your heart absolutely CANNOT fathom it now, some day - not so far ahead - you will startle and think, "Oh, there went a peaceful moment." And then, if you're like me, you'll weep gallons of sad, angry tears. But all of that is a good sign. These tears now are NOT the toxic tears of depression - they are healthy, pure tears of deep and honest grief.

You're OK, Erin. You're more than OK. You are one of the very few lucky ones to have been found by your spirit animal, exchanged love with her, and now have exchanged a piece of each other's hearts (as Ms Moonbeam puts it). That little piece of emptiness will never go away. Zoe's got that little piece of your heart and is bragging about her mom up there with Gretta and all the other spirit animals with her. Someone said that when we get to the crossing, we won't even have to call their name because they will be waiting for us, big grins on the faces and tails wagging like whirlwinds.

Please stay in touch, Erin. We're here for you and we care for you. (P.S. If you can't sleep, try a tab or two of Benadryl. It's totally harmless and available over the counter. It works for some, not for others.)

P.P.S. One thing I did that really helped me was to order one of the soft pillows that are advertised on this site. They're a little pricey but they're worth it - you have something soft to hug and it's a small part of your Zoe.

Hugs and more hugs,

Until tomorrow .....

Gretta's mom