I Miss My Dog Lukas So Much

Hi, I don't know where to begin but I feel I have nowhere else to turn to for support. I lost my best friend, my American C Spaniel Lukas just eleven days ago and I have been so so sad. He would have been 16 years old this October. I have trouble eating and all I want to do is stay in bed and cry. My dog was a spunky little fellow from the first day that my husband and I picked him up...he was just a small bundle of joy. Lukas and I instantly developed a bond; we were so close. When I walked through the door I would yell out to him "Mommy home" and he would come rushing towards me wagging his tail so happy. He was jealous of my husband at times that if my husband tried to kiss me Lukas would jump in between us and try to kiss me, he wanted my love all to himself and I loved him so much. He was with me all the time. Ever since he was a puppy he had been a regular patient at the vets. Anytime he was not feeling well or did not look well I would rush him to see his vet. He had battled Cherry Eye, constant ear problems, constant skin Problems, ITP (blood condition), and glaucoma which eventually led to his blindness at age 14 1/2, cataracts, dry eye, and cancer on his foot (which led to one of his toes to be removed at the age of 11). Meds were a big part of Lukas's life. He was a fighter and although he had many battles he was a happy dog. During these years I had my own health battles and Lukas always gave me comfort. Knowing he was with me helped in my healing process. He was my first son as I like to put it...my daughter was born when Lukas was four years old and although it took time for him to adjust to our new addition he soon became her protector. He was like her brother.
The sad day came to me this year when I had noticed that Lukas began walking funny. I thought at first he had stepped on something so I had looked on the bottom of his foot and noticed a spot that looked like a scratch. I did not think in a million years that the cancer came back but it did. I had taken Lukas to two vets (because I wanted a second opinion). They both expressed that an operation would be high risk for him. They said it was the cancer that returned. Removing the tumour was not a guarantee it would not return again, or that it already did not spread to other organs. His blood work was fine but the x-ray showed an enlarged liver a size the second vet thought was way too large. The second vet (where Lukas has been a patient since he was a puppy) was concerned about his heart being slower, his age, the enlarged liver and his past blood condition (ITP). I asked if I could treat it locally and he said I can try. He told me to either amputate most of his leg or put him to rest and he was strongly suggesting that it was Lukas’s time because he felt Lukas might not survive the operation or have a difficult recovering. I felt so many emotions, anger, sadness, but denial was one as well. How could Lukas deal with losing a leg at his age and his blindness was making it more difficult for him to walk around and enjoy things. I decided to treat Lukas with meds to slow down the growing process of the cancer and assist with the arthritis that was slowly starting in his back leg. I also treated the wound on his foot locally making sure it was cleaned and wrapped. Well, this worked for a few months and he seemed to be doing ok then something happened and it happened so quickly. The last week of Lukas's life I keep playing in the back of my mind. Feelings of guilt and “what if” and” why” just keep playing in my head. As a few days passed he seemed not himself. He looked so sad and in pain so I had booked a vets apt. for him. He began “pooing” lying down, he would not eat so I fed him by hand, his back leg gave him no support at times and cause him to collapse; he would just lay in one spot most of the time. I really did not want to admit that his time could be near but I made sure I let him know I loved him, he was the best dog I could ask for and if he was ready to go then it was ok to leave me. Although deep down I knew I would not be ok. I needed him and although I was saying this to him I had not accepted it yet. I truly thought he could get better, just like all of the other times I helped him to a recovery. I wanted Lukas to be better. The dreadful day came on Sept. 1 2010 when the vet simply told me that I needed to help him get to the place he was trying to go. I have not been the same since this dreadful day. I have been in so much pain and mixed emotion of what if I did things differently. I feel like a part of me has died with him.
RIP my loving dog Lukas...mommy loves and misses you!