Dear friends, my baby left this morning at about 5:45. He didn't make it until the vet got here. It wasn't as peaceful as I had prayed but he's resting now. I'm in that numb place at this moment. I'll write more later. Thank you all for your prayers last night.
-Donna

Dear Donna
I'm so sorry, your darling Niles is with all our Angels, suffering no more.
Thinking of you and sending prayers, love and hugs.

Jan and Pixie and my Angels xx

oh Donna....I am so sorry. Hugs

Bless you, Donna. It's a week ago today that my own darling boy left me and I know that numbness you speak of very well. Grief has its own anesthetic, and then feeling comes flooding back. We'll be here for you in the days to come. Hang in there.

Barbara

I am so sorry Donna...I just can't imagine having to endure this all over again, please find the strength somewhere!!!!!! I think you & Niles made the right decision by being together through his last night, although traumatic I am sure at least he was at home where he was comfortable with you.

I cannot believe this but I am just this second putting your kitty's names together, Frasier & Niles....

Numb once again I am sure...take care of yourself!!!

Donna I am so sorry (((hugs)))

So sorry to hear about Niles.

I can relate to the not so peaceful passing. I beat myself up about that for a very long time and it has helped me to try and "let go" before another pet passes in that way.

I still second guessed myself for a long time with the next loss about "could I have waited" so I guess no matter the loss and how it happens we wonder if we did it right. I often wonder if it because they cannot verbally tell us their wishes and how much pain they are really in. I suppose it is like all decisions we make in life that we do the best we can and just show them the love they deserve.

You are in my thoughts. Ginger

Donna,

I am so sorry to hear about Niles. It is so hard to lose a beloved pet. My prayers are with you.

Rhapsedy

Donna I'm so sorry to read about Niles, thinking of you, Irene

Oh Donna, I am so, so sorry! What a blow--a double blow. That just seems totally unfair.

I too am glad that he was home with you, even if it wasn't the most graceful of passings. Sadly, most of them aren't.

Right after Poppers died in December, I had to face the fact that Ladywolf had tumors that were growing fast. I couldn't bear to go in to see the vet til after Christmas, but she confirmed what I feared: terminal cancer. Lady is still going pretty strong, but I'm going to be facing the double-whammy eventually too, and it's really hard. I couldn't even really grieve that much for Poppers because I was so worried about Ladywolf...

Again, I am so sorry. Be gentle on yourself in these days to come.

Big Hugs--Margi and Ladywolf

Thank you to everyone for your words. They are just what I need right now. The depth of my grief right now is frightening. I've been somewhat calm all day but the waves that come are so powerful that I get scared. Everywhere I look in the house is somewhere one of those boys had taken over. They laid claim to the entire house! I feel like I'm drowning every time I think about all the routines and regularities that I've had for the last 15 years that are now gone. The noise that filled my head while Frasier was sick and then while Niles was sick has subsided but it's been replaced by the deafening sound of silence in the house. I feel depleted. Those two cats were MY babies. They were a part of everything I did. I didn't sleep without one of them there, I didn't eat without one of them there, I didn't take a shower without one of them on the counter, I didn't leave the house without locating them both, I didn't come home without locating them both, I just didn't do anything without them somehow being physically involved or involved in my mind. Someone on another post said that the pain we feel is in proportion to the joy they gave us. How true!
When Frasier died, it was such an adjustment but I still had a cat in the house. So there were still food bowls and a litter box and little blankets and toys and treats and cat hair. Now there is none. 15 years just gone. 15 years gone like that. And the memories are only a source of pain right now. They'll comfort later but right now they make me wretch. I wish I could turn them off until I can handle them. Thank you again for all your words. Ginger, you're right. No matter how it happens, there are always second thoughts. And Margi, I worry about you and Ladywolf. I wish I could take away the inevitable for you. I don't want anyone to feel what I am today.
Dear sweet Niles, I love you and I know in my heart that you knew that. I miss you little king.
-Donna

Ah, the waves. I know them well. They've been crashing against the shores of my own heart and mind for a week now since losing Charlie, and I've dealt with them many times before with the loss of other pets. There are no words that can heal such pain. Only time can help and even then it's only a partial remedy. But sometimes a broken heart expands as it heals and makes way for something or someone new. We're all here for you, Donna. I know from my own experience that it really does help to express what you're feeling, especially among those who understand. We do understand, every one of us, and send you our prayers as you adjust to the loss of your beloved Niles.

Barbara

Dear Donna, I am so sorry about Niles. I do so o o understand what you're going through, as you know. I do hope and pray that you will feel comforting arms reaching out to you, holding you through the moments of deep sorrow. Please know you are close in my thoughts and prayers.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Dear Niles, I know you knew how much I loved you. I felt that connection between us. But today, sweetheart, I can't help but hear your pitiful meows as you tried to speak to me on our last day and night together. You were so weak and exhausted. I tried to spare you from that but it just didn't work out. I feel I didn't make the right decision. Even though you were in your daddy's arms when you took your last breath, I feel you struggled more than you needed to. The moans and gasping are haunting me. It felt like an eternity but daddy says it was only for a few seconds. As I laid there with you through the night, I kept checking on your breathing. I was praying every minute that God would let you go in your sleep. Each time I'd see you breathe, I was disappointed and feared for you. The hours were long. My body was tense and I was nauseated. Our last day together was so hard. As you moved around the room to get comfortable, I felt you were trying to escape your discomfort. I didn't want a stranger to help you go. I didn't want your last hour to be riding to the vet which you hated so much. But you just couldn't hold on until our vet got here. I knew you wouldn't make it. Now I think that all those things were for me. You didn't care who helped you go. You probably wouldn't have been aware of the car ride. Those things were for me and daddy. The only comfort I have is that I suffered with you. I was dying with you. You weren't feeling all those things alone. I wasn't off somewhere doing something else, baby. I was right there with you. I gasped with you. I moaned with you. I felt my insides dying too.
I can't even miss you today because I'm caught up in those last meows. Each time you cried to me on Thursday, your meows were weaker and more pitiful. There's a little bird outside near your grave who keeps singing but his singing sounds like your cries. I just want him to shut up and go away. I want those sounds erased from my mind. How will I ever get better if that's all I can hear? I'm so sorry, Niles. Mommy's special friend. My little king. My little king.
Please take care of Frasier. He needs you. He's been waiting on you. Now that you're with him, I think I can finally let him go. I miss my boys so much. My heart is outside my chest!
Love, Mommy

Donna,

I can so relate to your feelings.... exactly how I felt when I hung on too long for my cat. I thought she was doing OK.... couldn't seem to take her in when she seemed to hold her own. For a long time I wished she had not waited for me to get home one night from work. She was under my bed struggling for breath & too weak to come out but tried so hard to drag herself out when she saw me peeking under the bed.

I lost her on the way to her vet & she died 1 block away. Like you, it seemed those cries, screams & struggling lasted FOREVER! So I do understand your feeling like you failed Niles..... I wish I could tell you your feelings will end soon but everyone takes the time necessary. I took a very long time because I felt so guilty.

Easy to say not to beat yourself up but I sure did. All I can say is TRY not to do that. Know you did the best you could, loved him very much. Gave him a good life & did all medically that you were able to. Maybe Niles & Baby went the way they were destined to go and we just feel it was our fault. I only know I vowed not to let it happen that way ever again for any of my furkids & though it was extremely difficult to do I took Flossie in when I am sure we could have struggled on longer.

So maybe that was my lesson and her not so pretty passing prevented others from the struggle that she had. She and Flossie both were not dealt a good hand in life but they survived to 15 & 17 because of the extra I was able to do for them while they were here and lived much longer than if I had not been in the right place at the right time. Both taught me lots about life & love so there is another lesson learned for me. Painfull as both losses were maybe it was the way it was supposed to be.

I know you'll grieve and struggle with your experience with Niles' passing but you were such a good Mom and you will pull out of this in whatever your own time is meant to be. I truly feel your pain during this time.....

************HUGS************

Hi, Donna, please know you are not grieiving alone, for each of us here shares your broken heart. Niles knows you love him with all your heart, and he knows you would give your life for him to protect him, to keep him healthy and happy, and to ensure that he was comforted in his journey to heaven's perfect garden. And he was comforted - - he was with the people who loved him the most in his life. I do understand how haunting his cries must be to you, as Abbygayle had begun crying, too. We are never "ready" to let go of our beloved furkids - - we will always want just one more minute, one more hour, one more day, - - one more lifetime. Donna, you did the very best you could with the circumstances as they were presented to you. Unfortunately we don't have the privilege of foreknowlege, only the reality of "hindsight" - - which is the source of all the "what if's" and "if only's" that plague us in times of deep grief. Now that Niles and Frazier are healed and united in eternal joy, they both need you to take this time to heal from the anguish and exhaustion that your mind, heart, body, and spirit have been under. They want you to remember them with a happy heart so that you can embrace their sweet Living Spirits that are forever with you in your heart and memories. It will take time to travel this grief journey in your own way, but please know this is a journey you do not travel alone. We are here for you every step of the way. Donna, please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Ginger and Moonbeam, your words were exactly what I needed to hear. The "reality of hindsight" is a perfect description. You know, we put Frasier to sleep and I felt guilt over that even though I knew he had only hours left. I was home alone all day with Niles on Thursday so it was I who saw his sharp decline. My husband, however, was adamant that the vet come to our home and the soonest he could get here was Friday afternoon. I panicked on making a decision on my own and relied on my husband's decision. I felt in my heart it was wrong but even now he still believes it was the right thing to do. I don't blame him because in the end, I always blame myself. He truely felt what we did was best. Niles wasn't just my baby. He was ours so I wasn't going to go against my husband.
You know, I've told many other people on this forum when they are doubting their decision that no matter what, we feel guilty. We just don't want them to go. My sweet little king deserved to go peacefully in his sleep last Monday, really. But God didn't see fit for that even though I pleaded with Him. I know that in the end there is a lesson for me and hopefully I will learn it. But for now, it's just his cries in my head. Was he begging me to do something? We had such a special connection that he always knew when I was helping him. Did he wonder why I wasn't helping him? I know no one can answer those questions. I guess I'm just in that phase of beating myself up. I couldn't have loved them more if they'd been my human sons, I don't think. I can't say that to just anyone, but I know y'all understand that kind of thinking. I miss my babies just like y'all miss yours.
Thank you again for your words. I can't express how much they mean to me right now. Only people who've been through it can really comfort those going through it. And you have.
-Donna

Hi, Donna, I do so know what you mean when you say you couldn't have loved them more if they had been your human sons. I feel the same way about my furkids and have told each of them how honored I am to be their "adopted" mom. I know the questions about Niles' last hours will haunt you for awhile. Unfortunately it's part of the deep grief journey, the very painful deep grief journey. And I do so know what you mean about unanswered prayer for God's Divine intervention. I hope and pray, Donna, that each day will bring you closer to finding a peace and healing in your heart. And please know you are in my thoughts and prayers and hope that you will feel the comforting hugs coming to you across the miles.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Oh Donna, I am so sorry that you had to endure the horrors of watching Niles go "naturally"...I too had to witness this and will never forget the god awful howling cry/meow on that last breath and then her body went limp....you will never forget, for month's I swore that I had made the wrong decision but now, I ask myself what is right or what is wrong ? it's so subjective! I would probably make the same selfish decision again if needed. I can tell you from only have 1 kitty for nearly 19 years how difficult it was to come home to an empty house...It was at least a month before I picked up the water & food bowl and longer for the litter box. This can only make you stronger somehow...wish I could fast-forward 2010 for you.....

Tears coming again thinking about you, Niles, Frasier, Nutmeg and all the other precious animals that have left us.

Hi, Donna, just checking in with you to see how you're doing, and just want you to know you are in my thoughts and prayers.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam