My dear friend has passed away last night. Please let me tell you about it, I need to talk to people who understand.

His name was Haruka and he was almost 17. He had several health issues but he still managed. But on wednesday he wouldn't eat anymore and was very lethargic. I fed him with a syringe, hoping to turn him around cause that had worked in the past. But not this time. He didn't move, was wobbly when he walked and would pee himself while lying down. So on Friday I contacted a house vet to come over to euthanize him on Saturday.

On Friday night I tried to force feed him one last time, and he gave this sad agonizing meow so I stopped. I brought him to sleep in my bed with me. He kept tossing and moving so I couldn't sleep. Eventually when I did fall asleep, I heard a boom and he had fallen off the bed and wouldn't move. I picked him up and brought him back. His legs were kicking like he had a spasm and he almost fell off the bed again. He gave two rasp breaths and he was gone. I put my ear to his chest and I thought I could still hear his heart, but it was my own heart I was hearing.

It's so hard to believe because he was just fine at the beginning of the week. Did I wait too long? Did I make it worse by force-feeding him? Did he suffer because of me? He was so weak he couldn't stand up. Did he know I loved him or did he die thinking of me as the bad person who forced food down his throat? I loved him so much. I just want him to know.

Hi, sapphireluna, please permit me to offer you my sincerest sympathies in the physical loss of your beloved Haruka. Losing a companion is never easy regardless of the circumstances or how long we are blessed with the privilege of their company. It doesn't matter if our grief experience is our first or our thousandth - - each grief journey is uniquely painful.

There is no doubt in what you share with us that you did everything in your power to give your beloved Haruka a happy, healthy earthly journey. Unfortunatley guilt / remorse is a part of the package of this grief adjustment journey and is particularly difficult to reconcile when our hearts and minds are so emotionally vulnerable with deep sorrow. Hopefully in time you will feel a peace come to your heart that will ease the many questions that are now haunting you - - which are questions we ALL deal with in the midst of our deepest grief. The most important thing to remember when doubts flood your heart and mind is that your beloved Haruka KNOWS you love him and did your best for him at all times and in all circumstances.

Sadly there is no easy way to navigate this grief adjustment journey - - there are no fast forward or delete buttons we can press to speed up the process or make it automatically disappear. But even though this grief journey is one of the most painful experiences you will know on this side of eternity as you adjust to the physical absence of your beloved Haruka there is one thing that will never change - - the love bond you and your beloved Haruka share. Love is eternal - - it is not restricted to the physical laws of time and space. Your beloved Haruka's sweet Living Spirit is always and forever a part of your heart and memories, sapphireluna - - he is always and forever a heartbeat close to you.

I know so very well from first hand experience that when our hearts are entrenched in deep grief there are no adequate words in any language that can soothe the searing pain of sorrow. Still I hope the words I share with you will offer you some measure of comfort, support, encouragement and hope as you travel your grief adjustment journey.

Thank you so very much in honoring us in sharing your beloved Haruka with us. He is so adorable, and you are blessed with the honor of being his sole, and soul, heir to his eternal love. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, sapphireluna, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Oh Sapphireluna, I am SO very sorry about the physical loss of your precious Haruka!!

You are obviously a wonderful Mom. You tried everything, and you saw him through health problems and wow, he lived to be almost 17! I believe you didn't wait too long. I think your timing was just right. My Little Girl was also almost 17 when her health went downhill and I tried the same force-feeding thing, and doing liquids with a dropper. She finally seemed to be telling me that enough was enough. On March 23rd, 2004, I made an appointment for the following day, not even being sure she would last the night. She did, and she made it to her final appointment...

Haruka didn't suffer because of you. His body was just worn out, and you wanted to make sure you tried everything you could, and he knew that. Your Haruka absolutely knew, and knows, how much you love him! I have no doubt. He was just unable to show you, in his weakened state.

He's still with you. There are no time/space restrictions in the blissful realm he's in. And, you'll be fully reunited with him when it is your time. In the meantime, he wants you to have as much of a good earthly life as possible.

Do you have supportive friends / family? Do you have other pets there with you? If not, I bet Haruka will guide you to someone who needs you. Whoever that is is going to be a very lucky little soul.

I hope you keep in touch here! I want to know how you are doing. Sending you heartfelt prayers for peace.

Hugs and comfort and understanding to you,

Kathy

Thank you both.
I made arrangements to have Haruka cremated and the urn should be ready later this week.
I do have 3 other cats and a rabbit at home.

It's so painful when they die, but I must carry on and save more. I will accept any pain if it means I can give happiness to one in need.

Dear sapphireluna,

I am so very sorry for your loss of Haruka. He is very beautiful. My thoughts and prayers are with you tonight.

I don't believe you waited too long or made things worse by trying to assist-feed him. You were trying what worked for him before. It is so heart-warming to read that you brought him to bed with you. I'm sure he was happy to be close to you in his final moments. He wasn't alone. I'm sure he knew that. I'm sure he also knows how much you love him and care for him.

I had a similar experience with my bunny Hermy years ago (details in "My Precious Hermy"). I didn't realize she was dying and suffering from respiratory distress until the very end. Minutes before she died, I tried to give her her medications, but she refused, letting the liquid medications run down her chin and neck. I remember "forcing" her to take them. I still feel very guilty about doing that. She couldn't breathe and I was "forcing" liquid into her mouth. Like you, I hope that Hermy understands what I did was done out of love and concern, not with malice or any evil intent. I too hope that she forgives me, even though I cannot forgive myself.

I believe we can only hope that they know how much we love them, how much we care, and how much we wish we could have saved them from death. At least, that is my hope.

I wish you a good night, sapphireluna!

Hugs,
Harry, Hermy, and Albus's Mommy

Hi sapphireluna,

How are you doing today? Have been thinking of you.

I copied this line from your post: "It's so painful when they die, but I must carry on and save more. I will accept any pain if it means I can give happiness to one in need." That is so powerful and so perfectly written!!

I am glad you have 3 cats and a rabbit there with you. How do they seem to be handling this so far?

Please let us know how you're doing, and feel free to share anything---pictures, stories, feelings, anything.

Hugs of understanding coming your way,

Kathy

Thank you.

I guess you could say I'm doing better? The pain isn't as sharp, it's more like a dull numbing pain.
I got him cremated should be receiving his urn later today, almost a full week after his death. This is sure to bring back the pain though. It's tough to think that just a couple of days again he was still around, doing his normal things, and now he is a pile of dust in a box.

Sadly (or thankfully?) my other cats don't seem to have noticed or care he is gone. They were never friends with Haruka, they bullied him, which did not help his situation. I kept Haruka in a separate room when I wasn't around so he could get some peace.

When I get home, my eyes instinctively look for him, but his usual spot is empty and I think "oh right..." I live alone, (excluding the pets) so that makes it a bit tougher. 17 years of having him behind the door when I come home, and now suddenly he's not there still feels unreal.

Hi, sapphireluna, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. Indeed, getting our beloved companion's ashes back can be a two sided coin: on the one side it can be comforting having them home again where they belong yet the other side is yet another "reality check" they are no longer in the physical form our hearts and arms long for them to be. I can so relate to what you share with us "I live alone, (excluding the pets) so that makes it a bit tougher. 17 years of having him behind the door when I come home, and now suddenly he's not there still feels unreal." I am also the only human resident in my household with my precious companions truly being my family. So when our companions precede us from this earthly realm it is indeed a major impact on our lives in every way. How blessed your beloved Haruka is to have you for his Forever Mom making sure he had a special place just for him from his housemates.

I hope today is treating you kindly, sapphireluna, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Haruka's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Hi Sapphireluna,

I am guessing that you probably have Haruka's urn with you at home by now.

Moon_beam is so right in saying he is lucky to have you as his Forever Mom.

Check in here any time for support or just to let us know how you are doing, or to share stories about Haruka. Will be eager to hear how you are doing and will be hoping that there is not just pain, but some comfort, in having his ashes home with you.

Prayers of healing headed your way.

Kathy

Yes I indeed have the urn now. Luckily I didn't cry at the vet's office when I picked it up, but I did when I got home and opened the box. I know it is only the physical self, but thinking that just last week my cat was in my arms and now he is inside a tiny box is heartbreaking.

I can make peace with the fact that he died, because he was old and it had to happen at some point. What I have trouble making peace with is how he died. It was painful and actually traumatizing to watch his last moments feeling completely helpless. I actually tried shaking him and tapping his chest, in hopes he would miraculously come back, but in vain. And despite everyone's nice encouragements, a part of me will always be asking "what if I had acted sooner, what if I had done this instead of that" etc... The blank look on his face and the stiffness of his body I can't forget. And that last painful meow he gave me before I gave up feeding him will haunt me forever. After 17 years together, I would have wanted him to die in an easier way.

In all honesty, a few days before, part of me was hoping I'd find him dead when I came home from work. Because then I would not have to make the decision to have him euthanized. I realize that was selfish of me and now I am glad I was there when it happened so he wasn't all alone. Still, it was very hard and still is.

I will place his urn next to the urn of his old friend Majestee, who died 6 years ago.


That's the two of them, many years ago.

Hi Sapphireluna,

Those images must be so difficult. I have several of those images as well and they torture me. The 2 things that have helped me the most with these images are support from people who understand, and, writing letters to and "from" my precious pet(s). Somehow "hearing" that they are fine now, that they don't blame me for those moments, comforts me a lot.

I love the picture of your precious Haruka and Majestee ! They are together--and yet both are still with you. I know that for me, it seems as though being in my earthly body makes for sort of a barrier that makes it harder to believe, and appreciate, that mine are still with me. It's hard.

Please continue to keep in touch! Thinking of you tonight.

Kathy

Hi, sapphireluna, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. I totally agree with our forum friend Kathy's comforting words to you when she said "I know that for me, it seems as though being in my earthly body makes for sort of a barrier that makes it harder to believe, and appreciate, that mine are still with me. It's hard." We live in a physically oriented world governed by the five senses of sight, sound, taste, touch, and smell based on a scientific 3-dimensional world. But there is a dimension that goes beyond these physical limitations - - and it is the dimension of eternal love that is not bound by the physical laws of time and space. But when we lose a loved one - - whoever the life form - - it is very a difficult and painful transition journey for us who are left behind to endure the adjustment between the two worlds. But I promise you, sapphireluna, that your beloved Haruka's and Majestee's sweet Living Spirits are with you now as they always will be - - as they were when they with you during their physical earthly journey.

Thank you so much for sharing this wonderful picture of your beloved Haruka and Majestee together. I hope in time as your deep grief eases you will find comfort in your many treasured memories - - and know that your beloved Haruka and Majestee are always and forever a heartbeat close to you.

I hope today is treating you kindly, sapphireluna, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Haruka's, and Majestee's, sweet Living Spirits to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Thank you again. And thank you both for taking the time to reply to each person and who comes here and to each message. It must be a lot of work.
Your words have helped me.