I Just Lost My Baby.

I just found this group tonight. I've been grieving so intensely and I don't know how to deal with it.

My kitty, Felix, died two days ago. Last week he started throwing up and not eating. I took him to the vet but they couldn't find anything wrong without running tons of expensive tests. It was the week before payday for me and I was completely tapped out. I borrowed money from my mother just for the office visit. I ended up just having to take him home. I feel so guilty right now, I can't even tell you.

I did everything I knew to do. I bought Pedialyte and fed it to him through a syringe. He was still drinking water and keeping hydrated. He was lethargic and sleeping a lot, isolating himself from the other kitties (I have two other boys- one's his brother, the other is his dad). He still seemed to have a decent amount of energy though. He would walk over to his water dish often. After a few days of watching him closely and not seeing him eat at all- I went out and bought some wet cat food (he usually had dry) and some cat milk. He wouldn't eat the food but I managed to get some of the milk in him. He just threw it up. It was SO painful for me to see him go through this. All I could do was hold him while he threw up and rub his back. I spent a couple of nights sleeping on my kitchen floor just to be near him (he was sleeping under the table a lot). I held him, I brushed him, I told him I loved him constantly. I even slept a night in my closet because that is where he chose to sleep that night.

I didn't leave my house all weekend. On Tuesday though, I was watching my boyfriend's son for the day so I decided to take him swimming. Felix was sleeping under the table when I left, and had been walking around some that morning. I kissed him goodbye and went to the pool at my mother's apartment complex.

When I got home a few hours later, he was no longer under the table so I went looking for him. I found him in my closet laying down. I reached out to touch him and he was cold. I immediately froze and started to panic. I started saying his name over and over trying to get him to wake up. I touched his leg again and it was already stiff. I'm sorry to get so graphic but I need to get this out. I just sat there in total shock and denial. Just thinking he was sleeping heavily. Once the shocking reality began to sink in, I grabbed my phone and called my mom. I couldn't even get the words out, all I could manage was a gut-wrenching sob. My mom knew immediately what was wrong and said she'd be right over. God, that was one of the worst things I've ever been through. I have practically no experience with death. I wanted to reach out and hold him but I was scared. I hate that I felt that way, but I couldn't help it. It was no longer him. And I could not grasp that concept.

I just sobbed and sobbed. I was doubled over on my floor, in so much pain. The worst part was that I had a 3 year old in the next room that was completely confused and I had no way of knowing how to explain it to him. I had to shut the door to his room for a bit and ask him to play by himself for a while while I curled into a ball and cried my eyes out.

I closed the door to my room and was too terrified to even enter it again. I waited in the living room until my mom arrived. The next few hours are sort of a blur and not as significant to my story anyway. He was buried in my backyard, my mom and friend set up a beautiful spot and brought me out to say goodbye. I was crying so hard I could barely walk. My mom nearly carried me. That was so hard. I didn't want to say goodbye. I didn't want to accept it, and still don't.

I've been going through these last few days in a complete daze. The overwhelming emotions and mood swings are making me feel crazy at times. All I can do to get through the day is to keep myself distracted. Watching mindless television and talking on the phone. The minute I'm alone and have a chance to think, I break down. Bedtime is the worst. Felix slept with me every night. Faithfully. The minute I would shut out the lights in the living room, he would go sprinting back to the bedroom and wait perched on the edge of my bed. He slept curled up close beside me, always. I live with my boyfriend, so he has his half of the bed and I share mine with Felix. I fell asleep every night with my hands wrapped up in his long fluffy fur. His breathing soothed me.

The first night I tried to sleep, I had numerous nightmares. Finding him like I did really traumatized me. It was the last thing I was expecting. He was only (just under) two years old and had been sick less than a week. He was taken from me so quickly. I kept his collar and I've been carrying it around the house with me. I sleep with his hairbrush, still full of his fur. I just pet it over and over and rub it on my face. It's so hard to sleep without him there. I feel such overwhelming pain. I don't even want to go to bed tonight because I dread the intense sense of loss I immediately feel when I crawl into bed. It's nearly 3am, I'm exhausted, but I'm avoiding going to bed. I can't keep doing this but I don't know how to deal. I'm definitely in a denial stage right now. I keep expecting to see him around the house. Keep waiting to feel him jump onto the bed. It's almost as if I momentarily forget, and when I remember-- it's a rush of intense pain, like a stabbing in my gut. I keep feeling the loss over and over.

I know I'm going to get through this. I know it will get easier. But right now-- that seems impossible to realize. I never thought losing a pet would hurt this much. I've lost pets as a kid. But the attachment you feel when you are grown and living alone is so much more. The past two years I've dealt with so much and always had my three boys to come home to. They were always there to let me know that it was alright. Now it just seems empty. Such a vital part of the family dynamic is missing.

Thank you for giving me a chance to get this out. I needed this. I feel like I'm constantly at a boiling point and I'm scared to give in and let go. Bedtime is when I cry and cry. Letting out all the pain from the past 16 hours. I'm so tired of crying and I dread that release- but I know I need it. I'm feeling so guilty right now. If only I would have had the tests done, or taken him back to the vet. I feel like I'm a horrible mother and that I shouldn't have animals if I can't afford their care. I feel like he would be alive if I would have had the money. The thing is, I don't know if that would have made a difference either way. On a surface level, I understand that- but it doesn't take away the guilt. I should have protected him. I should have done anything and everything in my power to help him. I didn't think he was going to leave me. Not so soon. I loved him as if he was my child and it feels as if a part of my heart is missing now.

I'm so sorry Felix and I miss you so much. I hope you know how much I loved you. I will never ever forget what you gave me. You will always be my baby.