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Misha's Mommy
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Joined: 11-August 11
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Last Seen: 13th October 2014 - 12:10 PM
Local Time: Sep 29 2020, 01:16 PM
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Misha's Mommy

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26 Sep 2011
Bowie...it's happened. I felt it happening those first two weeks and it finally happened...the fading feelings...your presence has faded. That feeling I had, that strong feeling of your presence in the days that followed is completely gone now. All my fighting to keep those feelings with me was for nothing. I feel alone. No one grieves for you with me, not even daddy. Life is just not fun, not right, not happy without you. I miss you so much!

Bowie, I love you.

It's the small things I miss...how I felt when we were together...that feeling of peace and happiness - that everything was right in the world. How you looked at me with those loving, trusting eyes. How you smelled, your sounds, your footfall, your presence. Your kisses. Your cuddles. Your sighs. Your moans. Your love.

I miss watching you...sleeping, dreaming, walking, going potty, scenting the air, sitting, lying down, being in the back yard, offering your paw, lying in your beds, curled up next to me on the sofa, sitting in the back seat, pointing birds and bunnies. I miss it all.

I miss
our "huggies" - when you'd press your forehead into me and we'd hug.
how you'd lean on me.
the way you'd scratch your eyes and face by smashing your head between my legs. And the eye boogers that you'd leave behind on me.
how your tail would go thump, thump, thump when I'd look at you.
watching you get comfortable.
watching you nurse harley hedgehog.
hearing your last groan every night after we turned out the lights and said goodnight.
covering you up with your blanket.
hearing you bark when the doorbell rang.
our walks.
how you'd miss the grass and pee on the sidewalk on our walks.
just sitting outside with you and watching your nose and ears twitch.
how you'd "ask" to come up on the sofa by laying your head on it and moving your eyes and cute eyebrows back and forth, waiting for the "okay". Then you'd run and get a toy and ask again. I loved that.
you being on me, on my lap.
how you'd check every grocery bag when I came home to see what I bought.
how you'd greet me every time I came home. How excited you were.
your wiggle butt. How you'd wag your whole body and tail, so fast.
your soft ears.
brushing your teeth.
rubbing your eyes for you. You loved that.
taking photos of you.
listening to you wake up in the morning - the stretch and yawn.
the way you'd adjust the way you were lying by pushing your extended front leg out just a tad, and shifting your weight on your hip.
feeding you.
how you'd fall to your side and melt while I rubbed or scratched you.
watching you drink. I loved watching you drink water.
watching you shake and end with that cute little hop.
how you'd burrow under the covers with us in bed.
how you'd follow me everywhere. I was always in your sights. I miss that.
those loving eyes.
all of your expressions.
training and competing in agility with you.
watching you explore the yard.
giving you the last bites of my food.
having fun with you.
taking care of you.

I miss calling for you.
I miss you coming to me.

I should have videoed an entire day - a typical day. How your ears would perk up and you'd get so excited when we got the butter out, or the whipped cream, or the half and half. How you'd walk - those front legs, when you were unsure or excited, when you'd wait for something, how they'd dance. Prance. I loved that. How you'd jump up on me and daddy while we were hugging, and we'd put our arms around you and hug you too.

It hurts to look in the backyard, or your bed and not see you there. To realize I'll never see you there again. I'll never feel that joy in seeing you creep out the back door, hoping for a bunny or squirrel to point.

It hurts to got to the mailbox and not have you follow me out the door.
It hurts to not have you come check on me when I'm in the shower.
It hurts when I wake up in the morning and realize you're gone. That your not going to leave your bed and join me in mine.
It hurts when I'm in the car and don't see you in the back seat, with your paws crossed over the front of the hammock. Never will I get to see that again. I don't even have a photo or video of it.
It hurts because I can't touch you, rub your eyes, your ears, scratch your legs, your chest.

I don't want to forget ANYTHING about you, Honey Butt! It's fading, though. And that scares me. I loved you so much! I NEVER would have wanted to let you go! I would give anything to have you back with me.

It's been 4 weeks. It feels like forever ago, though, and I HATE that!

I can't help but wonder if you thought we'd fix you again that night, like we had before, and bring you home afterwards. Did you think that? Did you hope for that? And were you frightened and confused when they took you back and kept you for all that time to put the catheter in? You looked like you were when they brought you back. Your eyes looked afraid. I'm SO, SO sorry, Bowie honey. I should have made them do it in the room so that we could have been with you, had more time with you.

Honey Butt...
Everyday, I ask you to come back to me.
Everyday, I wish this wasn't true.
Everyday, I tell you I miss you.
Everyday, I tell you I love you.

I miss your unconditional love, your presence, your joy to just BE with me.
I love you, Bowie. You were the best part of my life and I am lost without you.
26 Sep 2011
I hate Mondays. It means I'm alone, again.

It's been 4 weeks since I lost my precious Bowie and 7 weeks since I let Misha go. I'm still not okay. I cry for Bowie every day. I still wish he'd come back to me. I guess I'm "stuck" in my grieving process and my husband doesn't understand. He moved on in the first week and is looking towards the future, he says, and I'm stuck in the past. He's not a very emotional person and has told me he can't relate to the way I'm feeling. I don't understand how he got over Bowie that quickly. How he doesn't miss them, or doesn't want to talk about them. I feel alone, even when he's around. But, when Mondays come around, I really am alone. Almost 16 years having Misha and Bowie by my side during the day - pretty much my entire adult life - and now, no one. To top it off, my husband is going out of town for a business trip this week and I'm afraid. I haven't been alone, overnight, in almost 16 years. I don't know how I'm going to deal with it.

I guess you need to know that I don't have children. For much of the last 13 years I worked from home, part time, in various jobs. So, I was with my dogs, a lot. And they were my focus. I quit my last job at the end of June this year, because I couldn't do it anymore. The stress of caring for Misha and her deteriorating health/multiple health problems for the last two years, along with trying to be a good mom to Bowie, and trying to keep our home and life in some sort of order, finally got to me and something had to go. A bonus to not working was that I was going to be able to spend all of my time making up the last couple of years to Bowie, once I let Misha go, which I knew was going to be soon. But, that hope, that plan, was ripped away with the cancer diagnosis. And, months ago, in the midst of our life being on hold while Misha was going downhill, my husband was resentful that we couldn't go on vacation. He wanted to escape, which I understood, but I was Misha's caregiver...we weren't going anywhere until she was gone. He came up with his dream vacation and I promised we could do that extended one when Bowie left us - which I thought would be in 3-4 years. The week after we lost Bowie, he booked his dream vacation, with my input, although it was reluctant. And, he wants to take a second one. These trips are 3-4 week long trips that I refuse to take if we have a dog, so we have to take them now. So, I can't get another dog for about a year. After these trips are over. And, no, I'm not excited about them. They'll always be tied to losing my Bowie. Husband is not happy that I'm not excited about the trips.

So, it's Monday, and I'm alone again. I'm having a lot of trouble with that, along with everything I've lost...my babies, my past, my plans for the future, my life, my identity.

Misha's Mommy
30 Aug 2011
I can't sleep. I woke up at 3 am thinking of Bowie and remembering he was no longer with me. I miss him so much! This hurt is so deep, so unbearable. I want to scream, but can't - it's 4 am and I don't want to wake my husband.

Letting Misha go earlier this month was difficult. She was 15 1/2 and having so much trouble getting around. Her legs were failing her. She had Cognitive Dysfunction, probable Cushing's Disease, spinal cord compression, high blood pressure (causing mini-strokes). We had been battling multiple issues for 2 years and I made the decision to let her go on August 5th. Within hours, I was doubting myself. I felt I may have let her go too early. I felt that she wasn't ready to leave us and that I should have done a little more to help relieve her pain. I felt like I had given up on her before she had given up. I felt so guilty. I still do. She was a fighter. She deserved more time.

I didn't have a lot of time to grieve her death, though. My 9 year old, Bowie was feeling sick on July 17th. At the emergency vet, we found out he had fluid around his heart. The ultrasound revealed a tumor on the heart - most likely hemangiosarcoma. The blood was drained, and he felt better. We had multiple appointments over the next week and a half to try to determine if the cancer had metastasized, and to find out how we could treat it. Bowie did not like these appointments. He never enjoyed being away from us. There was a second tumor on his spleen. Cancer, or not, we don't know. The tumor on the heart would have been difficult to remove and specialists said it would be very risky. We were told chemotherapy wouldn't help without removing the tumors, first. Even if we could do all of this, we might have only had up to 6 months with him. Bowie was super-sensitive. He didn't deal with pain and discomfort well. We decided it wasn't worth it to put him through any type of invasive surgery, especially if it wasn't guaranteed to work. We decided to make every day going forward count.

Misha's seemed to get worse after Bowie was diagnosed. She began heavily limping on her front leg. Her back legs were weak and couldn't support her standing and she was hopping on her front leg. The indoor bowel and urinary accidents became more frequent. I took her for acupuncture and laser therapy. The vet felt the new limping was severe arthritis and mentioned she was probably in a lot of pain. This was with regular use of prednisone and tramadol. Misha was always stoic about pain. If it was this apparent, even with pred and tramadol, it must have been severe. It was the last straw, and it was why I let her go.

After she left us, I cried. A lot. The regret was immense. Within a week, I was able to get through my days better and focus more on Bowie. I had to. I didn't know how much time I had left with him.

My husband and I took him for nightly walks where he got to point a lot of bunnies. Bowie was a Vizsla, a pointing dog. He had so much fun being on the lookout for critters and pointing them. When they'd run off, most of the time, he'd just run to wherever they were sitting and take in the smells they had left behind. It was so much fun to watch him.

On Sat., August 20th, he didn't look right after dinner. We had taken him with us to a local pizza place where he could sit with us while we ate on the patio. After getting back in the car, he looked a little weaker than normal. A few minutes later, he was looking very weak. We got him into the emergency vet, where they found fluid, again around his heart. We did another pericardial tap to drain it.

On Tues, August 23rd, he was "off" again. Symptoms were different this time. I wondered if it was the heart again, or something bleeding in his abdomen. The cancerous tumors could be everywhere by now. I took him into my regular vet and she could hear his heart, so we didn't think the sac around it was filling, or at least wasn't full. She still felt there had been a bleed, but it may have stopped. They didn't have an ultrasound machine, so we couldn't tell. She treated Bowie's nausea. My husband was out of town. I decided I needed to keep Bowie alive until he returned the following evening. Bowie and I had a rough night, but he seemed to be feeling better Wednesday afternoon, but it was short-lived. He wasn't better. We took him in to the emergency/specialist's office Thursday morning and fluid had, again, filled the sac. I HAD to try one more time. I DID NOT want to have any regrets, as I was feeling with Misha. We did a 3rd tap.

After that, his tummy issues never got better. He was uncomfortable for awhile each time after he ate. I started feeding him small amounts of food every 3 or 4 hours. On Sunday, the 28th, he was finally looking better and was ravenous! He wanted to eat! It was so good to see that again! But, he had a bad tummy ache after lunch, so I knew the tummy issues hadn't subsided. After dinner, we took him for a short walk. Within a 1/2 hour, he was drooling. Within an hour of that, he was too weak to stand. We knew what was happening, and it was happening fast this time. We took him into the emergency vet and they helped him pass. I knew it was the right thing to do. I had no doubts.

I miss him so much! He was such a lover! He gave us so much love! He was a constant shadow. He loved getting rubbed and scratched. He never sat next to us - he was on us, or always touching us, in some way. He brought so much joy to our lives. And now, I'm heartbroken. And my life is empty without him. I had so many plans for him! I miss his wiggle butt, his soft ears, his loving eyes, his hugs. It hurts. It hurts.
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