Well, my name is Jacob, I'm fifteen years old. My best buddy was my cat, I didn't tell too many people, as we all know highschool is cruel, so I only told my closests friends that I loved my cat. No matter what, I would get home and he would find me and do the thing where he brushes up against my face. He always did that, even when I would come down in the middle of the night to use the bathroom he would come up to me in the pitch darkness. His name was havoc, he was about 3 years old. Earlier this year, we got a set of twin cats, one a boy, one a girl, we named one facet, and the other jade. All was good, they got along well. Of course their was a little hissing and fighting, but not much. But the cats would not stop pooping and peeing inside the house, especially the couch ( and no, they did not have UTI's) so we put them outside around June this year. They got used to it, and all was well. Until about a week ago. My buddy havoc started to drool a little, and it smelt bad. I just thought he was drooling a lot, or was cleaning himself too much, but it got worse. On Tuesday he was drooling more, and smelt terrible, I was afraid he had rabies. My friends told me not to touch him, but I wasn't listening. He Was obviously sick. So I picked him up, made his bed inside the kennel, and took him inside. He wouldn't eat, or drink, if only I had know, I would have spent the whole night with him, smell or no smell. I would have skipped school the next day even though I had 3 tests. I walked home that day, and here is the mistake I will always regret. I had just reached the top of my subdivision, their is hardly ever any traffic, so I stood in the middle of the road, taking in how pretty it was that day, everything was green (we have LOTS if greenery) and it was pretty cool that day. I walked a little more, and here comes my moms car, I wonder what's happening. She is taking havoc to the vet. hospital. She asked me if I wanted to go. I had an essay due the next day, I hadn't started (by this point, I thought he just had the flu). So I stood for a minute, then said no. I will never forget it. The part that makes me mad, is that I went home and played games! My mom came home, crying, they had to put him down. I was in shock, so no tears yet, apparently, some idiot in my neighbourhood left antifreeze out for my cat to get into. My poor buddy, didn't know. And he dosent wander far, so I've narrowed it down. When I figure out which neighboor did it, Im going to get the worst case of verbal diarrea. They will hear me say things I have never ever said to anyone, and I will never forgive myself, ever, for leaving my buddy to die with my mom. She cries everytime we bring it up. She said, she just laid with him, and kissed him on his head, saying "it's okay now, it's alright, you'll feel better" she was laying with him and he gave her the "what's going on" look. She laid with him as they injected him, as they took the stethoscope and said "he's gone". I should have been there with him, I should have kissed him good-bye,I should have been the one to close his eyes. and I'm mad, there has to be 20 stray cats in this neighboor hood, why mine? Everyone else has these 15 year old cats, and mine was only 3. On Friday, they sent us a ceramic mold if his pawprint, with a card saying on the front "as you say goodbye" with many cats on the front. It didn't help, I burst out in tears, I called my friend and cried with them for two hours. Why my little buddy? most boys have a dog, I had a cat. I hope he wasn't looking for me, my poor buddy. The smell, was the smell of death. The antifreeze was killing his insides. But I sensed something was wrong the day before. So I sang to him, I gave him a pre-mature goodbye. And he will always, be my buddy.

Jacob, I am so sorry for you loss. I know what it's like have a cat for a best friend. My cat Eileen was my very best friend in the whole world for six years. And then she was hit by a car and died. I am so sorry that someone left antifreeze out. I hope you can find who did it and talk to them. I think Eileen was killed by one of my neighbors, because I live on a deadend street with just seven house on it. So it's not like we get much traffic. I did talk to them all after she died, but everyone denied knowing who did it. I think someone is lying, though.

I can understand that you feel bad for not going to the vet with Havoc, but you really just didn't know. Try not to be too hard on yourself. You loved him and I am sure he knew that.

Magdalene

Jacob, I'm so sorry about your kitty. You've come to the right place because it doesn't matter here whether you have the "typical" pet or not. We love the ones we love and we don't have to be embarrassed. You know, no matter how our babies go we all face guilt at some point. You'll find people here who've lost their pets to accidents, old age, and long-term illnesses. Some people's pets have died in front of them on their own and some have had to be put to sleep. But even when we know it is the best thing to put them down we still fight the guilt and anger.
I hope that the person who left the antifreeze out didn't do it on purpose. Unfortunately in this world some people just don't care or take the precautions they should. The rest of us have to pay the price sometimes. I know you miss your baby and I am so sorry. I'm sure he knew you loved him. Please give yourself time to grieve and know that you will feel all sorts of strange things over the coming days. Sometimes anger, sometimes fear and guilt, sometimes weak and disabled, and sometimes just depressed. Keep talking to your friends and your mom. It will help, I promise. My heart goes out to you as you go through this.

Reading your story broke my heart. I'm so sorry you lost Havoc.

Jacob, I am so sorry for your loss, like you I recently lost my best friend, it was the worst day of my life but I promise you that each day it gets a little easier. Try and think about all of the good times that you shared with your kitty. I don't know if you like reading but I brought a book called Rainbows and Bridges and it has helped me a lot, it talks about how you will be with your pet again one day and will be together for eternity. You sound like a really nice young man, I hope you find comfort and know that yor kitty would want you to be happy. We are all here to help you.

Dear Jacob I am soooo sorry for your loss. I too am glad you came here cos it's the place to discover that it wasn't your fault someone else does something stupid.
What a wonderful thing to get his paw impression. (I know it doesn't help right now). I'm glad your mum was there for him. Just as she will be there for you know in her own way. All of us here soooo understand your pain...it's truly awful in those first few weeks.
Come & share with us how you are travelling it will help you.
You are in my thoughts. {{{HUGS}}}
elaine