Honoring My Emma Options

[EmmasMom]

Emma didn't ask for the trouble she had throughout her life. Probably a naturally rambunctious dog with a joyous personality, she was squelched by years as a puppy mill breeder in an Amish puppy mill. But over the years together, she came to enjoy her life and venture outside and even interact (a very little) with other dogs. The dog park was never acceptable, but I tried to expand her horizons as much as she would permit. She found her place finally relaxing and hanging with me on a small remote property in upstate New York. That was her favorite place. But home was really where her heart was -- nothing pleased her more than resting with me, whether in her chair next to my desk as I worked or next to me reading or whatever. But she always liked to be touching me. She did not like to walk but valiantly took her exercise every day, although she walked veerrrryyyyy slowly. The faster I tried to go, the slower she went!

She loved food and she loved smelling food and garbage. Garbage night was her favorite time.

Emma was so soft and warm and I miss her smell so much. She stayed with me as long as she could, although I knew she had something (or many things) wrong from the moment I got her. Vet visits were at least monthly with some new issue, mostly never resolved. I have to say that our vet was wonderful, managing every new issue and finding the best balance for Emma while keeping her as comfortable as possible. But every moment was agony in some ways .... how's she feeling, is she drinking enough, does her back hurt, how's her stomach, will this new medication hurt her belly, will she vomit. Every day was both agony and joy.

There were many days over the years when I thought I was losing Emma. And, in retrospect, I think she was actually ready to go but her love for me and her wish to care for me kept her hanging on. Even though I took care of her, she was a mommy dog through and through, and I think she thought humans were her puppies in a way. After all, she probably barely saw humans for the first half of her life, only puppies.

Even though she was a very quiet dog, you could see the spark of her personality. She was and is the most precious, special being I have ever known. The joy has gone out of life for me because every moment with her was a joy, along with the anxiety. And when she was feeling really well, all was pure joy and love. Emma is my heart and my love forever, and I cannot imagine ever feeling joy again without her.

Although I feel like crying out to her, "Why did you leave me?" I know in my heart that she stayed absolutely as long as she could to be with me. I am absolutely certain of that. She could have let go years ago at certain moments. And she waited to leave me until she was lying in my arms with me. She literally dragged herself out of the bedroom into the living room where I was. I was trying to leave her alone to rest ... I didn't know this would be the day she would leave. But she pulled herself over to me and we lay down together. I held her and kissed her head and she let go. She was a valiant, wonderful soul, my companion and soulmate. I love her with every molecule in my body and she permeates me. I often feel her with me still, even though it's been more than 5 months since I lost her. Sometimes that comforts me but not today for some reason.

I started a new job a few months ago and the people I work with probably have a total misimpression of me, because I have tried to act happy but it's probably looking hollow. I have really no motivation to excel and have no heart in my work or in anything at all I do. I do what I have to but my heart is not in anything except mourning for my beloved dog Emma. My love, I miss you so much. I want you back with me but I am also glad you are free. I love you.

[moon_beam]

Hi, Emma's Mom, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing, and this wonderful memorial to your and your beloved Emma's eternal love. How so blessed she is to have you for her Forever Mom, and how blessed you are to be her sole, and soul, heir to her eternal love.

There is no doubt in my mind that your beloved Emma endured through her many health challenges to share as much time as she possibly could with you. Each minute of every hour of every day offered you and your beloved Emma an opportunity to bind closer together in heart and spirit. Nothing in heaven or on earth can ever change this, Emma's Mom.

This grief journey has many ups and downs, twists and turns, and turnarounds. Some days will not seem quite so bad, other days will seem not quite as decent, and some days will feel like the weight of your deepest sorrow is more than your heart can bear. Please know we are here for you, with you, and beside you through every step of your grief adjustment journey, Emma's Mom, for as long and as often as you need us.

I hope today is treating you kindly, Emma's Mom, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Emma's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam