Yukon late summer 1993-November 2, 2006

Yukon, I miss you like I always knew I’d miss you if I survived you. Yet I wanted to survive you -- you needed me, depended on me and loved me so, I didn’t want you to ever feel any sadness or pain, an impossible wish. Already as you were growing older, I knew that when your time would come, to me, it would be traumatic. Having lost a soulmate cat like you when I was only 13, I knew what that loss would be like, thirty some years later.. I remember telling you last summer: “Yukon, I don’t know if you are my soulmate cat Minou come back to me again in this life or if you are another cat; whoever you are: my previous Minou or just you, you are THE cat that I have loved and will love more than any other, ever.” When I told you this, you seemed to understand and accept it, in fact, it seemed you were replying in your Garfield way:”Well that certainly makes sense to me.” At night, when you slept beside me I would find such comfort in reaching for you, still I was already dreading the day when I would so much miss that, that time is now. Your kind of love was unique.We had a marvelous life together, we were devoted to each other, I raised you with love and you responded in kind. Remember when you were little, I would rock you and sing you lullabies?You were so happy in my arms. .As you grew older you still loved to lay in the easy chair and listen to music, you were always moved by women’s love songs, as if you knew the words and all the feelings there. You were a lady’s man, you always preferred women and you charmed our guests with your rollovers and cute poses. Cute was your specialty.You loved all your family, I could see the affection in your eyes when you looked at them. In my arms, in that rocking chair, you learned to kiss the boys goodnight when dad brought them over to us. Later these teenagers would ask you for a kiss and you would always gracefully put your lips on their cheek. When dad would ask you, you would refuse, this was your way of teasing him, you loved him too but you were way too macho to kiss him!!! You loved your brother Felix, the playmate you first met at the pet shop. We bought Felix along with you and what fun you two kittens had, chasing each other from the basement to the upstairs, running all over inside the house. Felix was good for you, you were such a good boy and Felix would entice you to play, to misbehave, to escape outside along with him and stay up until 2 or 4 a.m. when your bell would wake me ( I had hung an old fashioned bell above the window sill for him to strike at with his paw). Felix never lost his feel for adventure right up until his last days but after 7 years old you had more or less retired to a more quiet house life where your pleasures were sunshine, lots of food, listening to music, lying on my lap or lying around with Felix when he would come in to rest from a hard night’s mousing. As you and Felix grew older you became concerned with each other, like true brothers. Once when you had a coughing spell Felix was so worried about you. When you saw Felix looking ill you became so attentive to him, licking him all over his face as if to say::“ hey what’s wrong, please get better I don’t like this at all .” You and your brother lived happy healthy lives, but as you both reached your thirteenth birthday, your days of reckoning came around. Felix broke our hearts first, he was more sick than we ever thought.. The vet recommended we put him to sleep. At first, you seemed allright though I noticed you were staying dowstairs every night. Were you waiting to hear Felix come back inside the house or were you mad at me for not having brought Felix back? We should have let you see Felix so that you would have known he would not come back., perhaps this would have helped you. But know that we were zombies ourselves when we just buried him in the backyard.. Ten days later, you became lame and shaky ,couldn’t even stay on all fours, we took you to the vet and they diagnosed diabetes. We then realized that you had hidden this from us for two and a half years, the twitches that you had at first that the other vet missed as a first symptom then the little bit of weight loss and a little less agility that we thought were because of your age. We started treating you with yucky oral meds twice a day , were told you had to change your eating habits, follow a weight loss diet and would likely need insulin unless the oral meds worked. Whenever I looked at you, you were in such pain, you were so unhappy...you miawed and would go looking for Felix despite you lameness. I also realized you were blind at times, this is why you would strike at your water bowl, to feel with your paws where the water level was. You kept to yourself and carried your burden. I honestly could not stand to see you so depressed and so sick . I knew that my work would soon take me away from you for long periods of time, you would be on your own for long days, alone in that big house that once was so busy with Felix and the boys. I decided that your future was too sad, that I would regret putting you through your last years with that quality of life. Perhaps this was because I saw my father live miserably from his illnesses for his last 10 years I had concluded that sometimes, it is worse to keep people alive than to let nature take its course. This was why I made the awful decision has marked my soul. I really thought you wanted me to choose that . You were so despondent. nothing I did had been of any help. I was far from cheerful myself,
I had been sick for a while and with Felix just gone, I was feeling so bleak about the future that I was afraid to get worse because I knew you would then be so lost. So I chose to let you go. I forever broke my own heart at the same time.

Today, it will be six months for you, six months and three weeks for Felix. You are buried with your brother and yesterday I planted two bleeding hearts next to your grave.
I hope that you are having a blast with this new life of yours, I hope that I did the right thing for you, and I am finally starting to accept this new life of mine though I will always feel you are missing from it, you were such a big part of what has been, It’s true that we are forever changed. There is always a silver lining they say; I know that like Radgirl, I have so much more sympathy for those who grieve. I think it has made me more gentle and less quick to react in anger about things that go wrong. Now I live with the hope that someday, somehow we will be together again. You will get to know all the new people and animals that will have come in my life and you will do the same with your new friends and family and we will have quickly forgetten all the misery that we had to go through before getting there. Yukon, Felix , you have made my life so much richer than it would have been had I not known you and loved you the way I did. Today will be beautiful, despite the anniversary ,because I must celebrate that I was so blessed to have known you and that you have left your mark on my heart and soul. My love goes to you my soulmate Yukon and to my beautiful Felix as well, so happy that we have had the joy of knowing such love. Bless all of you who know the feeling.

Thanks for sharing this with us... it is really very moving and beautiful. I hope you're okay tonight...these milestones can be so painful..

Toonie,

Thank you for letting us into your heart and sharing your precious memories of Yukon and Felix, they were as devoted to you as you to them.

You honour them greatly by celebrating that richness they brought to you, they will remain in your heart forever, and this is one thing that can't ever be taken away. Cherise that thought and hold dear to it, for it is yours to keep till eternity.

Bleeding hearts is what we all share here, the common bond, and that which unites us all with you, and your pain.

May their flowering bring some beauty back to your life once more.

Yukon and Felix's mommy

I'm so sorry you are going through this. It's so hard to lose two so close together. When it happend to me my biggest comfort was that they were together, as always.

You were a great mommy, and were blessed with two wonderful lives. I know loving and losing two beautiful beings changed me profoundly. I hope for the better.

Thinking of you and your boys.

thanks Moose Mom, I felt like we had been through pretty much the same thing when I read your story about Butch and Alex, as for your little Moose, I could see how someone would fall all over in love again with this sweetie and I know he made his way into your heart despite your pain. We felines and other species have much to be grateful to you for, may life reward you generously for this.

Toonie,

I hope today finds you well and your spirits are up.

Do you have any pictures of your boys because we would all love you to share them with us if you do.

Have a great day!

Dear Toonie,
That was such a touching tribute. I started to think of Sadie as I was reading it and I began to bawl. I'm at work, so it is a good thing nobody else is here or they would think I am crazy.

Take care
John B.

Yukon and Felix's mommy

Yeah we did go through a lot the same thing. Of course for me it was 10 years ago. But we both know what it's like to lose two much loved boy kitties close together. It's funny that when it first happens you think you will never be able to love another cat, and it's not the same for sure. But we got Autumn just 4 days after Butch passed, not something I'd recomend but it worked out for us. Then we got Moose about 3 months after that. It's good right now to have Autumn to remind us of the good times with Moose. I wish we'd had more time with him, but I bless each day we did have. To love and be loved by him.

We have a new kitten too, he's about 7 months old now, he is so different than any cat I've had, but I love the stuffing out of him too.

May life reward you generously for being the kind, caring being you are also.

I can't imagine the pain of losing your babies in such a short time... all of you here who have survived that have endured so much loss and grief..we all have, I suppose, but losing another so soon - for whatever reason- is heartbreaking. My heart truly goes out to you..

toonie,

I wanted to send you a quick internet hug (((((((((((((toonie)))))))))))))). I do not have time to write a lengthy reply, but you and your babies are in my thoughts. I too have an anniversary coming up (in two days it will be one month since I too broke my heart forever by letting Chaos' go). Yes, please do try to celebrate it, as it is a rememberance of the love that you shared, and how blessed you truly were to have them both.

Much Love,

Jenn (Chaos' Mom)

I too know the heartbreak of losing two precious babies close together.
It took me quite a while to function again in this world.
The pain never goes away but it does get a bit easier overtime.
Thankyou for sharing this lovely tribute with us all.

Cleo 1