I needed somewhere to come and write about my dear 15 year old dog Murphy that I had to put down 3 days ago. It's not like his illness was a surprise. . . he had surgery in March of this year to remove a large tumor on his lower jaw along with 18 teeth. The vet said she knew she didn't get it all but we were waiting for the pathology report to find out if it was malignant or benign. The report came back malignant. The vet said it could be weeks, could be months, she couldn't really say how much time he had. After he recovered from surgery he was so happy and lively. You would have thought she took him back in a time machine to his younger days.

Then at the beginning of June, things changed rapidly. The tumor began growing again with a vengeance. When he barked, it sounded like he had a sock in his mouth, his voice was muffled. He was still eating but having trouble getting it down. And he seemed to make a lot of noise when he breathed. He drooled constantly and just did not look happy. On Friday night he coughed up some bloody tissue and I knew I just couldn't put him through any more. The next morning my husband helped me take him to the vet and we hugged and kissed him as he peacefully drifted away.

I'm pretty sure it was what needed to be done but I feel tremendous guilt for being the one to make that decision. I wish he could have told me what he wanted.

The pain of loss is an absolute physical pain; like someone kicked me in the belly! The first night was awful. I sensed a pressure on the mattress like he jumped up on the bed and when I awoke to pet him there was nothing there! Which brought a fresh round of sobbing.

My youngest daughter keeps telling me she hears his tags jingling and I told her I do too! Everything reminds me of him. I can't bear to put his dish away - it's still on the kitchen floor.

I had Murphy before my husband and my kids! It was just me and him in the beginning but he welcomed others into our world. Just the sweetest dog ever who only wanted to be loved. The kind of dog that followed you into every room, up and down the stairs, only asking to share some human companionship. I know I will never find a dog like that one again. He came from a pound and I didn't actually go there to get a dog. I accompanied someone else who was picking up a dog. Murphy squeezed through a hole in a fence and ran right up to me. When the dog warden said he was set to be euthanized the following Monday because he'd already been there one week longer than they kept dogs, I knew I had to take him home! They weren't sure how old he was, only that he was relatively young. That was 14 years, 1 week and 4 days ago. So the poor old guy was at least 15 years old we figure.

Thanks for listening, I wanted to talk about him.

I am so sorry for your loss.
It hurts like hell, we all know that feeling on this site, you have come to the right place there are some wonderful supportive people on here.
Take care of yourself and take one day at a time, Murphy sounded like a wonderful dog who will be sadly missed.

Cleo 1

Dear Laney,

I'm so sorry for your loss. I know, it is horrible making the decision but please don't doubt you did the right thing for Murphy. There's only so much you & the vets can do for them, and when they're hurting so much, it's best to end their suffering. You did everything you could for your sweet boy. I know about the kick in the belly, it's been 3 months since I lost Peaches & it still happens.... a little less intense & not constant anymore, but it still happens when I least expect it.

It's so awesome, how you & Murphy found each other!!! You rescued him from doggy death-row......that is truly a love story.....he was so special. I'm so glad you had so many happy years together. He knew how much you loved him, that's what really matters.

Dear Laney,
Your Murphy looks such a character. I am so sorry for your loss, but it certainly sounds as if there was no choice. Wasn't it better for him to have had March to June with you when he was feeling better & then not to have to suffer on for a long time? I'm sure you know this, but it does make one feel so guilty putting them to sleep. When the guilt hits me about Furry, which it still does after 11 months, I just keep repeating to myself - I didn't kill her, I saved her when she was so poorly & we had another 21 months of happy life together.
15 years is a good long life, especially as you saved him in the first place.
I had to go to a friend's funeral yesterday & the vicar said that no-one truly dies as long as they are remembered by those who love them. As I think of Furry every day & as you will think of your Murphy, so they will live on with us.
Judith

He did tell you what he wanted. That is what he wanted, and you heard it, for you as his gaurdian had the distinction of being his "direct ear". You have loved your furbaby to the fullest and now with sorrow have realized the need for the Creator to reclaim that with which He gifted you so long ago.

I hate guilt. If it was an actual being with substance I would have spit in its face many times over. Guilt now moves in and takes the "direct ear" your baby once had and tells you lies about how wrong you were in doing what you did. You must not let it. You know if you search yourself what you did was good and right. I had a hand in my babies death as well when I had to let her "rest eternal" and I can tell you that even now when guilt comes back to check up on me that it can be defeated easily. This is a learned event. It is not natural. You must learn to fight gulit. It can keep you from the actual grieving that you desparately need to do. It can make you sick and once that happens it is far easier for guilt to control you. It happened to me after my Abigail perished. The truth is in you to expose guilt for the coward and liar that it really is.

I use personification a lot to put feelings into something I can fight. I was a soldier for a great many years and feel a need to "see & know" my foe. The feeling of guilt is a powerful adversary because of how sick one can get if it is allowed to triumph. Don't let guilt be victorious. You and yours are allowed the right of passage to grief. You know this is the way to peace and acceptance.

I will pray for strength for all of you. It is all one can do. Although you may think and feel that you take this journey of intense pain and emotional surffering alone. you do not. Guilt will isolate you from the truth and you will surely be the bearer of loneliness and sorrow if you let this abomination control your life.

You know what, though, Laney? Murphy was telling you what he wanted. When a dog is ill like that, and there's that weary look in the eye, that is him telling you. I really believe that. It sounds to me like he was hanging on for you, but that truly he was ready to go. It's always much too soon for us, though, isn't it? I'm so sorry for your loss. But his body and his demeanor in the end made his wishes clear, and you carried them out to the loving end. It's a very hard decision, possibly the hardest you'll ever have to make, but it was the right one, and Murphy loves you for it.

Also, about the dish -- if you don't want to put it away yet, don't. There's just no need. Only do things when you're ready to do them. I remember when my dad died, it took me the longest time to take his phone number down off the inside of my kitchen cabinet because it seemed so final on top of final. Don't push yourself.

And no, you'll never find a dog like Murphy again. Never, ever. He was unique and wonderful, and had qualities that were his and his alone. But I'd bet money that anyone like you who would rescue a dog from a pound and give him the fantastic life you gave Murphy will eventually find a way to do the same for another dog out there waiting for his Momma to come take him home.

Here's to Murphy! May he rest in peace, and bring you comfort.

-- Michelle (Lucy & Josie's mom)

Oh Laney, I'm so sorry. My eyes filled with tears as I read your post about Murphy. I understand completely what you are feeling right now. When I had to say goodbye to my precious Sadie it was the hardest emotional pain I have ever experienced...and I'm not unaquainted with grief by any means.

I know that deep down in your heart you did the right thing by Murphy. Out of pure unconditional love you spared him from the inevitable suffering that would have eventually overtaken him. What a great love you demonstrated!

I believe in my heart that Murphy is still with you in spirit. I live alone and one night shortly after Sadie was gone I heard what sounded like a cat sneeze behind me.

You will always feel the loss of your baby, but it will get better. You have to have that hope. Some may disagree with me, but I believe that one day we can get to the point where we can miss our babies with all of our hearts and still lives full of joy. Murphy loved you so much, and would never want you to be miserable forever, but at the same time you need to let it all out.

Take care and PM me any time you want to talk

John B

I'm reading all your wonderful replies to my post with a hard lump in my throat. I am sorry for all your losses as well!

Guilt is beating me up again because now I'm thinking - maybe I waited TOO long to take him to the vet! I knew the tumor was back the first week of June, but he was still eating well and wagging his tail. Maybe I caused him unecessary suffering because I tried to stretch out his time with me!

The times the grief sneeks up and grabs me is very unpredictable. I'm usually OK at work since I am so busy. But I caught sight of a photo of him on my desk out of the corner of my eye and the sadness that washed over me was like a wave. Knocked the breath out of me! Took me a little time to regroup - I do not want to cry at work.

Tonight when I got home from work, in the mail was a sympathy card from the vet who treated Murphy. The message was sweet and sincere and it was handwritten. I could barely read the words I was crying so much.

Thank you all for writing, it means so much to me.

Laney

Laney, I don't think you waited too long all. You saw that he was eating and doing his normal stuff...but when you saw the first signs of suffering you unselfishly gave him over to better hands.

You are in a stage right now that is almost like shock. It still seems so unreal. I know how you feel. I almost didn't want people at work to ask me how I was doing because I felt myself crumbling. At this point almost anything will trigger tears. You will go through this for awhile. It's okay...good even. You loved your Murphy and he deserves all of the tears you are crying for him. It really is a touching tribute.

Take care
John B.

No, no, no! You didn't wait too long. Don't, don't do that to yourself, please! Murphy seemed to be getting better, and it's natural and right to hope for the best.

Human nature being what it is, though, there will be moments where you feel guilt. Whenever you start to feel guilty, try imagining how Murphy would react to why you're feeling that way. Because you know what? He wouldn't get it. He just wouldn't. Seeing you're upset, he'd undoubtedly try to comfort you. But he'd have no idea why you're feeling guilty. After all, you let him go when he was suffering; he loves and thanks you for that.

-- Michelle K.

Thank you all for your words of comfort. I KNEW this would be the right place to come for support and help! I am feeling that there is light at the end of the tunnel!

You and Murphy had an unbreakable bond. Unspoken, yet stronger than any other. He knew, you knew. There's no reason for guilt. Everything that needed to be "said" was. He loved you and trusted you totally. He understood, and trusted you to do the right thing for him, as you had done everyday of his life.

We have a similar story. I'm so sorry for your loss.

Lisa

Laney, I am so sorry for your loss, as much as Murphy must have been the best Furbaby you could have hoped for, I am sure he knew you were the best Mom ever, I wish I had some words of comfort but its just so hard and nothing helps but time..Guilt is awful and though I think we know what was right for our poor Babies at the time it just creeps in and drives you around the bend I myself am still fighting it daily, and you do have to fight it.. you know you loved Murphy and you did everything in your power to do what was right for your Baby, and I know he knew how much he was loved and thats the most important thing. I am thinking of you and wishing you the best in this horrible time and I do know in time that you will be able to think of Murphy and smile I also wait for that day for myself.
Take care of yourself
Carolyn

Laney, I am very sorry about your loss. Your story of how you and Murphy came to be touched me. Like all of who come here I too know what you are feeling about your decision. When my Tigerpaws went to the Happy Hunting Ground, I worried about the same things too. My vet told asked me if continuing treatment was for Tiger or for me. That question answered all my concerns. Still, it ripped my heart out when Tiger died, but I knew letting her go was the right decision. There was only one Murphy and he was your baby. Don't fret about another dog, just know as one will come to you when the time is right. He/she will be a totally different furperson but I have no doubt that you will give it your heart as you did Murphy. That is who you are


Be Well,

Mark

Laney, I am so... sorry for your lost. I also had to put my baby to rest do to cancer. The whole experience was awful and left me nothing but grief and guilt. The ironic thing is that you feel guilty because you waited to make that hard decision and that I feel guilty because I feel as if I could of done more. You did your best to help and insure Murphy's health. How can that be wrong? Please don't blame yourself. If you hadn't taken the steps that you did to save him you would always doubt and blame yourself that you didn't do enough. Trust me I know. I always say to myself what if I only did this or that and so on. The what if's never end. The guilt is always there. Please take comfort in knowing that you did everything possible. It sounds to me that you were a great Mommy to Murphy and that he had a happy,wonderful life because of your unconditional love.

Tonight when I came home from work there was a message on the answering machine from the vet. Murphy's ashes were ready to be picked up. I didn't count on it being so soon. He's not even been at the Bridge a week yet. I just figured it would take a lot longer. So I went up there to fetch him. I didn't have any experience with this before so I didn't know if they were going to hand me a baggie with a twist tie around it or what! He is inside of a lovely container that has little paw prints all over it. I was thinking of purchasing a wooden box or something else to put him in, but I might just leave well enough alone. The weight of the box surprised me. I clutched it to my heart when the technician handed it to me and broke down in sobs. How can my sweet Murphy be now and forever only in a box?!? I want to go back in time but I realize that is impossible. I must move forward. Thank you all for sharing your stories. It does help.

Laney, Sorry I know it was hard for you to go pick up Murphy's remains. The thought of his remains being returned to you in a plastic bag must of been awful. I'm glad you found some comfort with his urn. It's nice to know that they handle our furbabies remains with such respect. I was surprised by the weight of the urn also. I thought that it would of been heavier because Max was 84 pounds. I still have the plastic wrapping around his urn , I'm afraid to take it off. I hope that you can take comfort in knowing that Murphy is back home with you. Keep posting the support on this site really does help.

A baggie with a twist tie on it!!!!! Oh My GOD!!!!!

All furbabies deserve a dignified end for the joy they brought. Your furbaby deserved that as well. I know what you mean by the weight of the box. I thought Abigail's felt...well...heavy. The urn is something that I know will help me down the road to acceptance but like Chase's little grave in the backyard it is just hurtful right now. I cried very hard when I got Abigail out to the car. I feel your pain.

Remeber to be very kind to yourself. You are at the begining of all this and it will take its toll on you. Come here and write much. We will be here for you.

Hi Laney,

When I picked up Peaches' ashes, I was also surprised at how quickly they were returned to me. My doc told me it might be 3-4 weeks, & it ended up being less than one.......I wasn't ready for the phone call. Her ashes were in a zippy plastic bag, presented in a pretty velvet drawstring bag embroidered with the words, "until we meet again". Those were the last words my husband said to her before the vet gave the final injection. I was not in any hurry to move her ashes elsewhere........she was at peace. I eventually found an urn I wanted for her, but I still have the velvet bag, it's beautiful & I plan to keep it forever......

Murphy is still with you, so much, he knows how much he was loved. Don't think that because he's away physically that he is gone...........he is still with you, I absolutely believe that.

Laney, First thank you so much for your kind words to me, it means so much when your feeling alone.
It must be so hard to look at that box, and I am so sorry for you, I have not had that yet,as I have not been able to get Kasey home yet, but I can just imagine the finality of it.
Its just so hard when they were such a huge part of our lives and the hole they leave is just never ending.
Murphy was a beautiful Baby and was lucky to have such a good Mom.
Thinking of you
Carolyn