Support:i Know How You Feel

Hi all,

Haven't been here in a while.
Quick recap, I lost my Himalayan kitty Little Girl in Nov 2006, then lost my black and white kitty companion of 15 years, Smoosh, four months later in March 2007. (That's both of my angels in my avatar pic.)

As the anniversary of Little Girl's death just past, I've been thinking about the two of them alot lately.

I read some of the posts here and began crying, rembering my staggering pain. Losing my girls has been so difficult. I remember the grief I felt in those first weeks -- so intense, so painful, unbearable. I remember feeling angry at everyone who either had never lost a pet or wasn't an "animal person." How could these folks expect me to go on, to go to work, to smile when my pain was so intense, my loss so huge?

But mostly, I just wanted to drop by and offer hugs and support to everyone here who has lost a loved pet. To let you know I've been there and I think I know how you feel. It does get better, the grief -- I remember not wanting to stop crying, not wanting to "get over it" as my grief was all I had left of my girls. Now I know it's okay to let that go because I'll never, ever forget them -- and if I feel I need to cry and feel that pain again, I can do that anytime, even now.

After losing them, I filled my house with fur again -- I now have 2 Himalayan fluffy kit*ity sisters who just turned a year old -- and a German Shepherd puppy. My new girls have really helped with my loss: while they can never replace Smoosh and Little Girl, when I start missing them so badly, it really helps to have a purring, soft, thunky kitty to run to -- and the puppy is wonderful when I need sloppy kisses!

My heart goes out to everyone here.
I know how hard it is to loose a fur baby.
I am so sorry for your loss but please know you wil heal even as you will never forget your precious friend.

Not Again!

I just lost my Himalayan on Nov 2006 -- now my 15-year old tuxedo kitty has just been diagnosed with kidney failure.
I don't know how to do this.

Little Girl's last days were a nightmare of needles, pain and fright for her. Her last night was spent alone in a vet hosptial. I will not do this to my Smooshy. Right now, she won't eat very much, is thin and experience some stomach problems -- hear her making what sounds like mild regurgitating sounds, swallows, etc. But otherwise, she's okay.

What do I do?!
I can't bring her to be put down right now -- she's not THAT sick yet -- I can't make that decision. I DON"T WANT TO MAKE THAT DECISION AGAIN. Felt like I "played God" when I had LG put down.

A part of me can hardly bear to look at Smoosh -- another part of me wants to quit my job and stay with her every second of the time I left with her.

They say "You'll know" when it's time to make that decision.
But I don't.
Is she miserable now?
Does she want to live?
Should I take her for second opinions, subject her to IV treatment/hospitalization etc do all I can to prolong her life?
Do I let her just slowly decline here?

Anyone been thru this before?
I just don't know what to do.

My Sweet Angel Is Gone!

Forgive the rambling -- I'm so sorry, I'm sure the following will be full of typos etc.
I'm not usually so stupid -- I'm just going to try to let my feelings pour out.

I just lost my beautiful traditional cream point Himalayan, Little Girl, kitty on Tues, Nov 21 after a long summer of trying to find out what wrong with her. Finally she was diagnosed with diabetes, then I think kidney failure. We put her down on Tuesday -- I dropped her off Monday night, she was sick but not THAT bad. Tues, she was horribly worse.

I don't know where to begin so I think I'll just copy and paste the email I sent a friend this AM, edited to protect vet's names and profanity removed.

I know I didn't lose a person -- I hurt so badly I CAN'T EVEN IMAGINE what you went through/continue to go thru over losing your sister and your friends. I'm NOT SAYING my loss over Little Girl is equal to that of your loss -- but having nothing to compare it to -- for which I know I'm lucky, but I don't feel lucky right now -- all I know is how destroyed I am.

I'm sorry I haven't answered, but I have got your messages and they've helped.
I don't usually answer the phone as I'm always crying.
Always crying and at some point I HAVE TO GET IT TOGETHER and be Mommy for my daughter!!!

I can't get over this.
I miss her so much, I'm crying all the time.
There is so much pain, I miss her so much.
I walk back and forth all day from the computer -- as if I can find her there, emailing breeders, looking at her pictures, posting about her. (Breeders -- I emailed with pictures of her, needing to know what she was: A "traditional" aka non-show/Extreme face BLUE CREAM point himalayan. Also to see if any of them could have been her breeder -- still awaiting reply back from one who's been breeding since 86).

I walk back and forth to her grave; call down to her; worry obsessively WHAT IF SHE WASN'T DEAD when we burried her??? They had to give her FOUR doses of the Death Medicine-- FOUR! Why didn't they just use alot and get it OVER WITH??? It took her over 10 mins to die -- each time the doc said, "She's deep asleep, can't feel." WHAT IF SHE WAS ONLY ASLEEP WHEN I BURIED HER?

THIS SCARES ME TO EVEN ADMIT but -- I feel like I have to dig her up to BE SURE she didnt' wake up down there alone! I have to be sure the box we buried her in has no SCRATCH MARKS. I buried her two hours after they pronounced her dead -- why didn't I wait until the next day to be sure??

It's crazy.
Please don't let me dig her up.
This is so insane sounding it scares me (at least I'm sane enough to see this.)

Does grief make you crazy for a while?

I smell her bed: it has a mediciney smell,
I've been all over the house looking for her fur -- I save some in a box, go looking for more. I can't wash the sweatshirt I wore when I last held her.

I can't find her anywhere!

I can't get over this.
I think I would have been fired if this didn't happen this week -- I'm hoping I'll be okay to go in on Monday. Who at work can believe how much I'm destroyed over my kitty?

I miss her so badly.
Had to leave t-giving dinnner at my Mom's for a while -- then came back and cried and yelled--I'm really having difficulties with the hospital. Some may be natural grief/anger stuff, but there may come a time when I need them to sit down with (veterinarians) Dr. A and Dr. B and have them explain EVERYTHING to me. In my heart I KNOW things were handled wrong. So many things. God stop me from going in there and losing it on them. She never did get her body temperature up after that bath. Why did they bathe my dying angel? She should have been tested for diabetes LONG AGO and then not have waited WEEKS before starting her insulin once she tested postive -- EVEN I KNEW this, but I trusted them. THINGS WERE HANDLED WRONG and my baby paid the price.

This AM I made a record of all her vet appointments.
As if that will bring her back.
She had SO MANY steriod injections for dermatisis -- more than I thought!
Why didn't they look over her records and say "Too risky!"
(Steroids can cause diabetes in cats.)

I can't even talk to [one of my best friends] because she worships one of those veterinarians -- they are friends. I HATE THAT POMPOUS, ARROGANT vet she loves. She calls him "a big marshmallow" -- I CALL HIM A KILLER. Told me to stop the insulin and went on his merry way over the weekend. WHY NOT ADMIT HER TO HOSP THEN? My diabetic baby went three days without insulin because he told me to stop it. I DON'T THINK A DIABETIC SHOULD HAVE DONE THIS! "IF she was my cat, I'd be force feeding her," he says. I didn't know how to DO THIS! Why didn't he tell me??!?!?!

The other vet who treated her intially was gone all week.
The two were NOT comparing notes I know it -- not they way they should have!

I miss her and my heart breaks and I JUST WANT HER BACK!

What do I do?
How do I get over my baby?
How can I keep her without ever seeing her again?

I was grateful for her EVERY DAY.
She got so sick back in June of 2005 -- I had only had her a month or so. Thought she was dying.
When she lived, I think my love for her turned into something stronger after nearly loosing her.
I don't know why I love her so much -- you shouldn't question love, tho, you shouldn't.
But it was like she was custom created for me: appearance-wise, she sent me reeling. I'm NO ARTIST, but she inspired me to draw so many pics of her. Temperment wise she was the sweetest animal I've ever known.

help
This is the first time I've lost anyone I cared about -- Grandparents, but they were ill for some time.
Lucky, yes, underneath, I see that.
I don't know what to do.

sorry for typos/spelling -- it's just pouring out.
Thank you for listening.
I'm sorry.
You're the only one I know who knows about loss.

I'm sorry, it's so rambly.
That part about digging her up SCARES ME!
What is wrong with me???
I can't accept this and I can't get over it.