Oh My Little Pearl, I'll Miss You Always.

Just like everyday, our next door neighbors' Siberian Husky has been left outside overnight and is running like crazy. We usually ignore him since we're not outside all the time. That night it seems like the everyday usual, but something went wrong.

My mother and I, along with our two ~~zu (Pearl and QQ with their little jackets on) was all ready to pick up my sister from her university on the 21st. My mother went out the basement door and into the backyard where she opened the gate to the stairs that leads to the driveway. Pearl and QQ ran upstairs towards another set of gates that my mother needs to open before getting to the car.

At this time, my mother is closing the gate behind her when suddenly the siberian husky went all wild and started barking and clawing from under the wire fence. He shoved his head underneath the fence and managed to drag my poor Pearl over. He ran around with Pearl in his mouth and we were so desperate and helpless. My mother climbed over the fence and I tried to open our next door neighbors' fence, but it was tied shut. I held onto the fence and shook violently and screamed. Then a car from our next door neighbor pulled up where three guys came out. All they did was stand there and watch. I feel so angry, so helpless, so frustrated.

Not long, my mother rescued Pearl and I ran to get her from my side of the fence. I held her in my arms and she wasn't moving. I put her down on the ground and gently stroked her head and said "It's alright, everythings gonna be fine, you're a good girl Pearl, don't be afriad, I'm here, I'll give some of your favorite treats" Then I felt a sudden movement of her paws... my heart skipped!

My next door neighbor came out from the house and he asked "what? how did you get into my backyard? what happend?" My mother replied "Your dog killed my dog!" All he did was stand there and kept asking "what happened" and didn't even attempt to get his dog under control.

I pounded the floor, I yelled, I screamed, I shouted... no one helped.

My mother and I drove to the emergency vet hospital with Pearl in my hands. As time went by, she got heavier. I said "Pearl, why are you getting heavy? You can't! Don't you want your favorite treat? " I kept calling out to her. All I was thinking is... get Pearl to the hospital, even if it's too late, i wanna try! Maybe there's still hope.

When I got to the hospital, the vet gave her CPR while my mother and I waited outside. The receptionist had us move to a private room and asked us to wait there until the doctor comes to speak with us. We waited for 30 minutes. The doctor finally came in and says "We gave her CPR and had her examined. She has some broken ribs and there were too much damage. I know it's hard and I'm really sorry."

We asked to see my Pearl and she brought her in with a towel wrapped around her. She laid on the examining table, not moving. My mother and I broke down crying. My poor Pearl died with her eyes open with a bleeding. We sat there watching her and cried for hours in the room. Friends came who babysat Pearl came by to see her. My sister had her friend drive her back from the university to see Pearl one last time.

I held Pearl in my arms and stoked her head, wishing that she'll miracously come back to life. I put her back onto the table, and went to the washroom and splashed cold water on my face. I looked myself in the mirror and all I could see is anger accompanied with a whole bunch of emotions mixed in. I was a mess. When I returned into the room, I was afraid of touching Pearl. I was afriad that I'll think that Pearl is really alive and end up realizing that she isn't.

The receptionist came in and gave us a pamphlet about what to do next. We all decided to have Pearl cremated and have her ashes returned. We wanted to have her always near us and we'll bring her where-ever we are.

We finally parted with Pearl and returned home without her :'( It was so hard... I cried all the way home holding her collar in my hand. My sister phoned the police and filed a report because I was so broken down that I couldn't even say a proper sentence. The police referred us to a bunch of other people and finally told us to wait for 5 days before someone comes by to investigate. Oh, how frustrating it was.

We all took some sleeping pills that night and forced ourselves to sleep. We woke up first thing in the morning and took pictures of the scene where it happened. I found my Pearl's little coat in between the fence with her little flower laying (that's suppose to be on her coat) on my neighbor's side of the fence. I had a look at her little coat and saw a big hole where the teeth went through and bit her. I thought to myself: "She must of died a horrible death, a painful and violent death. It's all my fault! I couldn't protect her and she died because of it"

Oh my Pearl, she's my baby. She's the silly one around the house. She's the cute one. She's the one that everyone liked and loved. She likes to be cuddled and loves to hog the bed and the couch. Oh, I still remember how she'll jump onto the couch before I sat down and everytime I'll give her the seat while I sit on the floor.

Later that day, we all went back to the hospital to see Pearl before being taken away for her journey to the crematorium. We brought her favorite coat and layed it on her. We were there for hours again and finally gave her one last stroke on her head and one last kiss before covering her up.

I went home and took a hot shower. I sat in the shower and cried. I couldn't stand the thought that Pearl isn't coming back. That night, I layed in bed and my mind ran through what happened over and over again. It was excruciating and yet i can't help it but to think about it. I thought of scenarios where I could of prevented it... if only I could block the fence with some bricks, if only I gave Pearl a bath that night and had to bring her up to the car MYSELF so that she wouldn't get dirty again, if only she didn't go out at all, if only I'm meaner and have that Siberian Husky taken away when he bit my uncle.... if only.... if only.... if only ..... if only... All night long, these ran through my head until the sleeping pill kicked in.

The next day, I woke up finding myself crying again. My eyes hurts everytime I cry. I tried so hard not to, but everything just keeps welling up. I couldn't bring myself to eat or walk... I layed in bed and unconciously leaving half the bed and half my pillow empty for my Pearl to sleep on. I cried until my pillow was soaked that i could no longer sleep in it. I was so looking forward to spending Christmas with Pearl... I even bought a bigger bed so there's a little bit more room for both of us. She didn't get a chance to try it out and just passed away.

My little Pearl, she just turned 6 on the 1st of December. The first time I saw her, she was so weak and fragile that I raised her like a baby- looking after her whenever I can, feeding her, cleaning her, putting her in her bed... just like human does with their babies. I remember how she loves to be hugged and cuddled. How she'll look forward to going out on car rides. I remember her first time going down the stairs and how she'll do all the tricks before I requested one when she wanted a treat. OH, how she would do silly movements like walk like a horse, jump like a bunny and walk along the top of the couch like a cat. I miss her oh so dearly.... I miss her, I miss her, I miss her!

Oh Pearl, why did you leave? I can never talk to you, argue with you, share my every emotion. I won't be able to carry you around and play with you anymore. You won't be there to sit with me while I play the piano or when I'm sad/depressed. Everyone's gonna miss you lots! I hope you're doing well in heaven. Maybe become a little dog angel and come visit me once in a while? I really hope so.

This is so hard to take in. I cried and cried. My heart keeps aching. The feeling of loneliness is always in the air. I can't help but feel so EMPTY. This is so hard and so painful. I've tried many ways to slow down my crying but whenever I talk about Pearl with my mother and sister, I break down and start crying. It's like if I keep things to myself, everything seems fine. How long would this last? what should i do to start healing? I really don't know what to do anymore.