My Cat Is Gone And I Don't Know What To Do

Hi Everyone,

My name is Kristen and I live with my parents in Northern NJ. I am thankful to have found this forum. I am going through a rough time right now and this is helping.

Back in March my family found out that my mother had breast cancer and our 13 year old cat, Dinky, had a tumor in her leg. My mother would have surgery and her tests came back to reveal she needed chemo, which she is going through now. Her prognosis is good and she should be fine once the chemo and radiation is done. My cat, on the other hand, did not get a good prognosis. We could have surgically removed her lump but friends and family suggested that she was old and the anesthesia would be risky and it would be too stressful for her to get the chemo and radiation. I heard many stories where the cat went through it to die shortly after anyway.

Since March, Dinky's tumor grew fast. It got to a point where it became an open wound a couple of weeks ago. She started to eat less and kept to sleeping the day away under the dining room table. Tuesday night my mother suggested we go to the vet again. My sister and brother (who have long been out of our house, but were the ones to actually pick Dinky out at the shelter 13 years ago) came over and we all spent the night together with Dinky. We gave her tuna fish and she lapped it up like it was the best tuna ever. She gave us all a brave face, like there was nothing wrong, even though there was a very large tumor encompassing her back leg. That night she came to bed with me. At 1am I woke up to find her on my lap (I was sleeping on my back). She never did that before. The next morning we took her to the vet. I had a slight hope that he would say we could take her home and she'd have a little more time. To the contrary, he said it would not be a pre-mature decision to put her to sleep. He said that cats put a brave face on for their owners even if they are in great pain. It was a struggle, but my brother and father were by my side to help in the awful decision that day. I didn't want my Dinky to suffer any more. I didn't want to keep her around a couple more weeks just for me. So we decided that it was time. My dad had to leave to take my mother to her chemo session. My brother and I stayed with Dinky until the very end. She passed away quickly and quietly. She looked so peaceful.

Now I am left in my house which feels so empty. I feel so guilty for not trying the surgery for her. I feel like I killed her. I killed my best friend. I miss her so much and I don't know what to do. I woke up this morning and when I looked in the mirror I had a piece of her fir on my face. I smiled a little like it was a sign that she is still with me. I hope she is ok wherever she is. I hope she's not mad at me. I love her so much and I didn't want to see her in pain anymore. Does it get any easier? I just don't even want to be home anymore. It is not the same without her.

Thank you to anyone who has read this. Attached is a picture of my beautiful cat, my best friend, Dinky.
-Kristen