This is the story of a very special kitty named Fleetwood. My partner Mike and I had been together for about five years when a friend of our who worked as in a vet’s office started asking us if we wanted to adopt another kitty to keep our then five year old calico, Corina, company. I was pretty much against the idea because Corina seemed happy and I think she liked having us all to herself. So after a few months of saying no, I finally said yes, but I wanted a grey female tabby, unfortunately the only kitten she had left as a black and white male who was abandoned by his mother. I really didn’t want a male but decided I would bite the bullet and take him home with us.

We brought him home and began the task of deciding on a name for him. Being a big Fleetwood Mac fan I thought it would be fun to name him Fleetwood. Looking back I now realize that the name was as unique as he was. That first night was an experience I will never forget. Fleetwood was running all through the house and Corina just sat there growling and hissing at him. At one point he jumped up on the back of the sofa and fell between the cushions and the back of the sofa. He was so worn out he immediately went to sleep. My partner and I decided it was time to go to sleep ourselves and within the hour Fleetwood was up and running around again. All nightlong! I finally had to get up and close the bedroom door and lock both cats out of the room because of their fighting and because I was determined to where going to like each other.

The next day I noticed Corina stopped meowing and her eyes looked a little cloudy. Soon after that she become very lethargic and developed diarrhea. Thinking Fleetwood had brought some disease in the house I immediately wanted to give him back because he made my little girl sick. I took her to an evening vet office to have her checked out and a day later received a call that she had feline leukemia and we need to put her down right away. I was devastated. I had to leave work I could not even concentrate on driving. I also was not accepting this diagnosis. The next day I took her to another vet for a second opinion. The first thing the second vet asked me was if we had gotten any new pets recently. I told her about Fleetwood and she said that was probably the problem. They checked her out again and she checked out OK. Boy was I mad! Two vet bills of almost $1000 only to find out she is just acting like a spoiled only child (although I can relate, I was an only child until I was 17.) I took her home and looked her in the eye and said, “Listen missy, he’s here to stay so get over it!” An hour later the two of them were rolling around and playing as if they had been best friends for life!

For nine years they were inseparable. I would come home and find them curled up on the bed together or they would both be waiting for me at the door if I came home later than normal and their dinner would be late. As Fleetwood grew he developed a personality as unique as his name. An insecure kitty he would jump and run if some one just sneezed or if he heard a noise he was unfamiliar with. At night when we would go to bed, if he did not see us go to the bedroom, he would stay in the dark living room and would cry until I called him, then he would come running down the hall and jump onto the bed. I always liked to call him my ADD (Attention Demanding Disorder!) He always had to be held or petted. He could be sound asleep and if you just touched him he would be up and wanting to be petted. He loved to lie on his back in my arms and have his chin scratched. I would do this for hours while watching TV.

In February of this year we took a trip with friends to San Francisco for a few days and another friend had offered to check in on the cats and feed them for us. The morning we left I was lying in bed getting ready to get up and Fleetwood crawled up on my stomach and lay there purring while I rubbed his ears. He loved early morning playtime and I knew he wouldn’t get any for a few days so I was spending a little extra time with him. I also knew I had an extra day with him when I came home before I had to go back to work so I knew playtime would be the order of the day when I returned.

The second day we were in San Francisco, my friend who was taking care of the cats called me on my cell phone and wanted to know if it was unusual for the cats to throw-up a lot. Corina has always been a cat that threw-up once in awhile so I asked him how much and he said only a couple of piles. Being this was the normal for Corina and I didn’t think much of it. I asked him if the cats seemed OK and he said both were seemed fine.

The next day was Saturday and we had just left the hotel with our friend and were walking down the street to find some place to have breakfast when my cell phone rang. It was our friend who was taking care of the cats. When I answer I could tell something was wrong. Then he started crying. I asked him what was the matter.

“Oh Mark, I don’t know how to tell you.”
Tell me what I asked him.
“Fleetwood’s dead!”
Fade to black…

I really don’t remember much after that. My friends say I collapsed on the street. They helped my partner get me back to our room where I sat dazed. This could not be happening. My partner Michael and didn’t know what to do. We were at least six to eight hours away by car (we drove my car instead of flying.) We had planned this trip with our friend’s months in advance and did not want to cut short their trip and our hotel room was already paid for and I doubt if we could have gotten a refund. Michael and I talked and decided there really was nothing we could do by going home except to sit and cry. Our friend who gave us Fleetwood was going to pick up his body and take him out to a ranch a friend of hers had and bury him next to one of her cats. This made me feel better knowing he would not be “just disposed of” and would be handled with care.

The rest of the trip I was pretty much in a daze. I went out with our friends that day and decided I was going to get so drunk that it would all be a dream. I found out there is not enough alcohol in the world to accomplish this task! Michael stayed in the room; he just wanted to be alone. The next evening we all went out again and even though my friends were making sure I was having a good time reality was starting to hit me and I started to feel a pain I had never felt before in my life. I finally excused myself and went back to the hotel where I cried and whaled for almost 2 hours. The next day I could barely drive and ended up crying most of the way from San Francisco to Los Angeles.

That was four months ago and I still feel like it was yesterday. I have noticed a distinct change in our other cat, Corina. Ever since Fleetwood died she has taken on different parts of his personality. She used to never meow except to be fed, and now she meows all the time like he did. She used to never cry and now she cry’s a lot (Fleetwood always cried, he was an insecure kitty.) She is always looking under the bed or down the hallway to see if Fleetwood will come and play with her. Also we have noticed that she often goes to the place where Fleetwood died and just lays there, like she is visiting with him.

The pain and sadness has gotten better these last couple of months, but I still feel like I let Fleetwood down by not being there when he needed me the most. I can still see his little eyes looking at me and saying, “Why aren’t you helping me?” Sometimes it hurts so bad that I feel like I am living that day over and over again.

I miss my Fleetwood. Some please tell me the pain and guilt will go away soon.
Mark

Please don't feel guilty .... you had no idea your Little Fleetwood was going to pass. Don't do this to yourself. Most of us all know the terrible pain of losing a beloved pet, in addition, to feeling guilt, depending on how and when they pass. Most of us take our precious pets for granted, at least, I did. I lost the love of my life, (Zoe) 18 days ago, with her getting hit by a car. Her accident plays in my head ..daily. I know how you feel with living "the day" over and over again. The "if only" or "what if's" drives us insane. However, you can't do this to yourself.
I pray your hurt and guilt eases.
We are here to help you.
Much love and hugs
Deanna

It will Mark. It's still fresh, especially after Candy's passing. The pain will subside, but only you can relieve yourself of the guilt. You did the best you could and Fleeters had wonderful parents.

And in case I haven't said this enough . . . . thank you.

I thank you for being there for me during Candy's passing. I appreciate how you cared enough to run a few red lights to get to my house in time to be there to help Candy over the rainbow bridge. Not only that, but through the whole ordeal, you and Michael were there for Chuck and I, and for that . . . . we can never thank you enough.

You're a good guy Mark. Fleet was lucky to have you and Michael in his life.

Mark and Michael, you have no idea how sorry I am for your loss, am sure your baby had the best Daddys in the world and it shows. I lost my Buster about 11 days ago and am still a mess, sometimes I wonder if I ever will be able to recuperate from this loss I only pray to God that I will someday, I wish you both the best luck in the world and please keep coming back 'cause here I found my self and soo will you the love and compation I need it in this our darkest days, God Bless you all, Buster and Jorge

HI, Mark

I love that bigger picture of Fleetwood you posted ...I can see the tummy that loved to be scratched.
(I liked Fleetwood Mac too!)

I am so sorry about what happened. I think what makes it worse is not knowing why it happened.or..what happened.

The pain is very very bad and although it will never go away completely....it lessens as time goes by, I think simply because it is too exhausting to keep feeling so much so often. What helps to lessen it is eveytime you have a sad thought that hurts, force yourself to think of something Fleetwood did that make you smile or laugh.....those memories are the gift he left you and the more of them you think about and remember....the less the pain becomes...at least so it does not overwhelm you constantly.

I read over all you said and there can be no guilt associated there. The reason I think that is because I believe that when whatever power there is decides it is time for these babies to leave us, it does not matter where we go, what we do, ....we cannot prevent it.
Many times it won't be known to us, like in your case, where you saw no signs he was ill. The throwing up made me think that was hairballs but you didn't say what you were told. You were just meant to be on that trip and that was meant to be his time. That's how life treats us from time to time....very badly I think.....

Just remember that you and Michael gave Fleetwood the best home ever and he had many more happy healthy days than what seemed to happen very quickly at the end.

Post more pictures of him if you have them....We all love to look at pictures...and looking at them will make you smile because the picture reflects a good memory and is a reminder of that good memory and that is what helps the healing of grief and the lessening of pain. We can smile already at the descriptions you have given of many of his favorite things to do.

I feel very sorry for Corina...she must feel her buddy is missing and doesn't understand why. All you can do for her is give her lots of extra hugs and attention....she needs time too right now to adjust...but if she ever really seems too miserable...there may come a time you might consider another buddy for her.....we all need distractions from our feelings at times.

There will be days you will feel stronger and things are not so intensely painful....then another day you may slip back and just want to cry...all these things are normal.

Just remember, especially when you visit a forum such as this, you and Michael will never be alone in your grief...we have all been there and many are there still. We share our pain and help one another by sharing our happy memories and pictures...things that make us smile..also make others smile.

I am glad you have Corina to love and hug right now. She needs that and so do you and Michael.

Don't ever feel guilty about something you could not know or control because it was that sweet baby's time to leave and so there was nothing you could have done to change anything. You might say...if I hadn't gone on that trip....well, that's why I say...you had no choice that was fate choosing and running everything. If you were meant to be home...you would have been. When you realize that no matter what you thought you could have done and then believe that fate did not allow you to do anything other than what happened....I think you will realize that there is no place in your grief to add the added burden of "guilt". I know when I realized that I never had control when my babies had to leave me....I can't find anything to feel guilty about...but I can find a lot to cry about with them gone, and a lot of grief to work through because I miss them so much and that is what hurts so bad. But in time..there comes a certain amount of acceptance and that helps the healing also.

I wish you and Michael peace and healing and give a big hug to Corina as she is a very special baby too.

I am so sorry about fleetwood. Beautiful picture of him. Sure you have many wonderful memories.

Hugs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Fleetwood certainly was a handsome cat. Your expression in words said just how very much you loved him. It's amazing to me how these furbabies steal our hearts for keeps. Because I know so well what it feels like to lose somebody so special, I truly do understand the depth of pain you are feeling.

Unless you were able to forsee the future when you left on your trip, there is nothing for you to feel guilty about. Though we love these babies so much and love to spend time with him, there are other varities of ways we also love to spend time. In this hectic world we all live in all of us need a breakaway time. We also have to spend time at our workplace. So much to do and never enough time to do it all. Pleasure time doing a variety of things is what adds spice and fun into our lives. Most of us need all we can get.

These babies we have teach us so much. Their presence just mellows us out. Their peace and agenda for the day holds no worries. They sleep, play, and eat when we are away..........and then they are our greeters when we come home. Oh, what a life they have. You gave Fleetwood the very best kind of life he could ever had hoped for. Without death, there could never have been a life. Nine years of love and happy memories is what Fleetwood's gift was to you when he passed away. Though his body has persihed......his loving soul has not.

Bless you and Mike for being such good parents to Fleetwood and Corina. Both of you have been privileged in truly knowing and living the deepest kind of love there is. Everybody should be so lucky to have found the kind of love connection with a kid in a furry suit as you and Mike have.

For all I have loved....and all I have lost, I wouldn't trade one minute of all the wonderful times I had. My life with Goliath was an incredible journey of love and companionship. He was my very best friend. Not a day goes by that I don't think of him and all he brought into my life and heart. It is his love that carries me through each day that gives me permission to truly enjoy life and all the beauty that lies within it.

Savor the wonderful memories made with Fleetwood. Let his sun shine glow from your heart. Your heart is the home where his spirit lives. Souls never perish and those we love are around us in everything we do, everthing we see, everthing we hear, and everything we feel.

Lotsa love and hugs Mark & Mike,
Beth

Thank you Jorge for the thoughts. It still all seems like a bad dream sometimes. I know things will get better, I just missing him so much. Even when I was a kid and we lost a pet it didn't seem to hurt as much as it does now. I do take confort in knowing he comes and checks on us once in awhile like he did last night. We had gone to bed and shortly afterwards I heard a cat crying in the livingroom as he used to do. I thought it was Corina so I started to get up to go get her when I realized she was asleep on the bed with us. I'm on the 4th floor of my condo building so I know it wasn't a cat outside. It was Fleets letting me know he's still here.

God what I would give to hold him just one more time!

You hold Fleetwood in everthing you touch Mark. Not just not one time are you able to hold him again for he has never left you.

Keep your warm and happy memories closest to your heart. Fleetwood will never leave you for his spirit and love lives on. This kind of love never ends for it is eternal. One day you will say "hello" again face to face and smother each other in the love you made through your times together.

Hugs of comfort from my heart to yours,
Beth

Thank you so much. Here is a picture of Fleetwood and Corina. It's one of my favorites.

Oooooooh what a great picture of the two of them. Thank you for posting it. They look so comfortable it just makes me smile to look at it and believe me, we all need to smile as often as we can. I can easily see why it is one of your favorites. I have never seen two cats be so close to one another. She must really miss her "attachment".

It looks like a perfect one to make into an 8 x 10...so they look lots bigger...almost real enough to hug.

Many times a few of us here have toyed with the idea of having a big calendar made only the pictures for each month would be our favorites of our babies. If you ever think of having a photo drugstore do it....this would make a perfect cover and a special picture for any special month.

Just loved seeing it and will everytime I come by.

Judy

I'm so sorry about your loss. I lost my William a few months back and the ppl here have been so helpful to me I don't know hat I would have done without them all..... I lost William in the same cir%%stances as yourself, although I hadn't gone away. It happend so quickly that I was stunned for a few weeks after and then it sank in after that. William has a brother and he misses him still after all this time. there are nights when Harry is asleep on my bed and I can feel a presence on my pillow snuggling up next to my head. (William used to do this). I know it is him trying to tell me he is still with me....... After two months I sstill miss him..... I don't know how long it will take for you to get through this...... it may take months, years...... But remebre that you have very strong lovely memories of Fleetwood that will be with you till the end of time that can NEVER be broken..... I take much comfort in knowing that I Will see William again at Rainbow bridge...... I know I will.... and so you will see Feetwood too.


Hugs and much love to you at this time.


Williams Mummy ***

Well it has been almost six months since we lost our little Fleetwood but it still seems like yesterday. It seems like this year has done nothing but kick us in the head every time we turn around. We lost Fleetwood unexpectedly in February, my partner lost his favorite cousin in March, we lost his mother in April and my best friend lost his dog Candy in June! I hope the rest of the year goes by better than this.

Michael seems to be doing much better about Fleetwood than I am. I still think I see him in the hallway at night while I am watching TV and I know Carina misses him a lot as well. Her whole personality has changed since Fleetwood died. Like now, she never got up on my desk while I am out the computer, now every time I sit down to work she has to be on the desk. Now she is lying on my file cabinet looking at me.

Thank you all for the words of support, it has meant a lot to me. I tried to get out here more and offer support to others, but then I see the picture of Fleetwood and get sad again. A couple of days ago I mentioned to my partner that maybe we were doing Carina an injustice by not getting other kitty right away, he seemed a little surprised that I brought it up and also a little hesitant at the idea because of the drama Carina gave us when Fleetwood first came to live with us. Neither one of us want to go through that again and this time she is much older than she was then, we decided we really don't want to take the chance of her making herself sick again and this time not being able to recover from it. I would not be able to handle losing her as well.

Hmmmm, don't be surprised if Santa's little helper will stop by the storks house and maybe you'll see a little something on your doorstep this Christmas.


(runs for cover).

This is sooooo cute AngelCareOne.


Love it!

Thank you so much, Angel Care. That is really sweet and so fitting for the both of them. They both looked after each other and my little Carina misses her little brother as much as I do.

Thank you again, this is so nice.

My Dear Little Fleetwood,

It has been one year today that you have left us, and life has not been the same since. Not one day goes by that I don’t think about you and realize how much I miss you. Your big eyes, your sweet meow, how you purr at the slightest touch, your little cry when you want to be picked up and held. I miss holding on your back scratching your chin while I watch TV and how you sit next to my head in the morning, purring to wake me up.

The house has certain emptiness without you here. There is a distinctive void without you running through the hall chasing your sister, Corrina. She also misses you terribly. For many months after you cross the Rainbow Bridge she looked for you to play with her. Many an evening she would lie on the spot where you left and I know that is her way of visiting you. Now she spends her days sleeping in the chair in the office, the one you always spent your days sleeping in.

The Saturday night you came to visit was a great joy to us. I can remember hearing you run through the hall and hit the closet door just like you used to and your sister had fun being chased by you one more time. After that night she seemed to be back to her old self again, thank you. I will never forget laying in bad that night and hearing you purr in my ear, it just reassured my belief that you will always be with us.

Nine years is such a short time and you brought so much love and joy to us in those short years that I will never forget. I thought I could get through this without crying, but I can’t help it, my heart still aches just as much as the day I found out you where gone. My dearest Fleetwood I am so sorry I was not there for you when you needed me most. I hope that you can forgive me.

I’m sure you have seen your cousin’s Candy and Pepper (although they are on the other side of the fence !) You now have four new cousin’s Rocky, Tasha, Chili and Mo. Your and Tasha would have a lot of fun.

Your daddy Mike misses you very much. He still calls out his nickname for you “Fleets” often and I know he misses you lying next to him on the couch with you head on his leg. He loves every bit as I do and give me much comfort as I still grieve for you.

I love you my little Fleetwood and I think of you each and every day and look forward to the day when I can hold you again and look into your eyes and see the great love you had for us and feel the joy you brought us.

I miss you and love you very much!

Forever your Daddy,
Mark

It is a beautiful letter to your boy and a wonderful picture. Seems like with pictures we can look into their eyes forever.

9 years seems like a blink of an eye, doesn't it? My boy was the oldest I have had (16) but I have had many younger also. And I do find that no matter how long we have them, it is never long enough...and never will be.

Hugs to you, Mark, and Mike, and girl (Fleetwood's sister), and a special Hug to your Angel, Fleetwood, who I know is still with all of you now and forever.

Judy

Thanks Judy! 9 years really is just way to short, and now we have our Corrina in the hospital! Fortunately she is going to be OK but she gave us a little scare yesterday morning. After Michael feeds her in the mornings she usually comes back to bed and lies with me until I get up, but yesterday she didn’t. I heard a noise in the other bedroom and went to see what it was. When I saw her she was trying to go to the bathroom, but nothing was happening. She just looked at me and let out a little meow that I had never heard before and then kept trying. I banged on the bathroom door and told Michael something was wrong and we needed to get her to the vet right away. After the loss of Fleetwood and not knowing what happened I was not going to take any chances with my little girl.

I jumped in the shower to get ready to take her and when I got out Michael had said she finally went in the kitchen. I was a little relieved but was still concerned that there might be a blockage (we think a blockage is what killed Fleetwood.) Then I looked at her face and it was all yellow! I knew then something was not right and immediately went down to our neighbors house (Candy’s Dad) to get the cat carrier from them. I put Corrina in and off to the vet we went. They were just getting into the office so they took her right away. They came back out and said it looks like she got into some kind of flower and they needed to know what kind because some are toxic to cats. Especially lily’s and we had a bouquet of lily’s and roses in the living room that I got Michael for Valentines Day! They were dead and Michael had just thrown them out that morning when we were leaving for the vet’s office. We rushed back to the condo and Michael went dumpster diving with the help of a microphone stand I had in storage and he was able to retrieve the bag with the flowers in it and we took the lily back to the office. And they confirmed it was toxic for cats.

They ran blood work on her and the results came back even better than when she had her physical last week! But they still wanted to keep her on fluids to make sure all of the toxins were flushed out of her kidneys. The vet told us the good thing is we reacted right away and brought her in as soon as we noticed something wasn’t right and that was the best thing we could have done! They recommended she be monitored at a care facility for 24 to 48 hours so we took her to the hospital in Culver City which is about a 45 minute to hour drive from our house.

I just talked to them a few minutes ago and she is doing very well, her temperature is normal as is her heart rate. They will be checking her kidney levels a little bit later and will update me then. They said they would like to maybe keep her another night to monitor, but I don’t know if I can handle her being gone another night. The house was so lonely last night with no animals around! This is the first time she has been away from the house in her life so I know she is not happy and I am missing her terribly! I just want her back home so I can see for myself she is doing okay.

I’ll keep everybody posted.

Mark