I have started and deleted this post more times than I can count. Mostly because I don't know what to say or how to say it but I am going to try again because I am suffering big time.

Last Thursday 6/30 my husband and I had to put our 10 year old Black Labrador Dixie down. It all started the Friday before so please bear with me while I tell our story.

Friday morning I noticed she hadn't eaten all of her food which is unusual but did happen sometimes so I figured she would eat all of her dinner. She was a diabetic so along with getting insulin injections twice a day I monitored her food intake and her output like a hawk. Friday night rolls around and she wanted nothing to do with her food. This was highly unusual because she being a lab she loved her food. I figured her tummy might have been upset or something so I left the bowl out overnight to see if she would eat later.

Saturday morning I got up and went right to her food dish. Last nights food was still there untouched. So I got her a fresh serving and gave it to her. Not interested. At this point I was pretty concerned, so I got a can of food out and tried that instead of her dry/can mixture. Again she didn't want it so I left it until dinnertime. Same routine and the same not eating again. This time I cooked up some hamburger and rice and she ate that pretty good so I felt a bit better.

Sunday came and it was a battle again. She didn't want anything for breakfast or dinner. By this point I was a mess because I knew something was really wrong with her. My husband and I both stayed up all night Sunday with her waiting for her doctors office to open Monday morning. I was terrified that we were about to lose her. I called around 7:45 and spoke to one of the techs and asked if I could bring her in as soon as doc got there. They moved his first appointment back and I think they actually called him in early for us because we got there a little after 8:30 and he was already there when he usually doesn't get in til 9.

He ended up keeping her for the day to do a series of tests and xrays because her stomach was as hard as a rock. I called several times throughout the day to check on her and see if we could come get her and finally around 3 they said we could come back and get her and doc wanted to talk to us.

Her xrays showed a huge mass in her chest and abdomen. Her vertebrae in her spine had started to fuse together and all of her organs were being pushed out of their proper place by this huge mass. To this day we still aren't sure if it was cancerous or not because she didn't make it long enough for us to find out.

Anyway we were able to take her home but he warned us that she probably wouldn't make it much longer, maybe 6 months and that was really pushing it. So we got her home and she ate two bowls of chicken and rice and all seemed well.

The next day we took her outside and I noticed that her back legs were shaking very badly when she was going potty. She walked around for a bit then squatted to go #2 and about halfway through her going her legs just seemed to give out. She tried to make it back to the door to go inside but she just sort of laid down and didn't want to move. We got her up about 10 minutes later and she seemed ok for the rest of the day.

Pretty much the same thing happened on Wednesday day. Then Wednesday night I noticed she started breathing funny. Once again I was up with her all night and I just knew something bad was happening. Her eyes which always had a happy look to them looked very sad, and she didn't want to go outside at all.

My husband and I had to go Thursday morning to get our license plate renewed on our car and as we were driving back home I just got this feeling in my heart and gut that she was ready to go. We got home and she was still in the same condition that she was in 45 minutes ago when we had left.

I put a call in to her doc and we just sat around with her waiting for him to call back. He finally called around 11 and I told him what was going on. He said she probably was ready and if we felt it too we should probably bring her in. He told me to make the arrangements that I needed to make for her and call him back. (this all sounds harsh but in reality it wasn't. Her doc is the most compassionate vet I have ever known and we have a long history with him.)

My husband called the doggy funeral parlor to make arrangements for them to meet us, and I called doc back. He said to bring her in at 2. So we had a few hours left with her. We took her out and she didn't make it 10 steps before she just laid down. So the 3 of us sat outside for quite some time until it was time to leave.

We got to the office and were taken back right away. The woman that was going to take care of her afterwards came in to meet with us, and then it was time. We sat on the floor with her talking to her, telling her how much we loved her and what a great dog she had been. And how much we were going to miss her, that it was ok for her to let go and we would be fine.

It went exactly the way I had hoped. It was very peaceful and we got to be with her. Once doc checked her and told us she was gone they gave us all the time we needed with her, and I just laid on the floor with her crying into her fur and hugging her body.

Eventually my husband told them we were ready, they came in and got her and gave me her collar. I walked out with her and gave her last kisses, and then my girl was gone.

We got her cremains back less than 24 hours after we lost her and that was probably the biggest comfort. The people that took care of her were amazing, and so compassionate. I am devastated that we had to let our girl go but they made it a bit more bearable.

I am sorry this is so long but typing out the whole thing brings me some comfort. People say that she was lucky to have us, but in reality we were the lucky ones to have had her for 10 wonderful years. We are lucky that we had her to love and to have her unconditionally return that love to us. I miss her so much.

Thank you for reading. I am trying my hardest to get through this but the loss of our Dixie has almost crippled me.

Oh Christina, I am so sorry about the passsing of beautiful Ms Dixie. Labs are the greatest! I lost my Gretta on April 10 and, like you, almost lost my mind with sorrow. People on this site have helped me SO much but it still hurts a lot. Gretta was (is) a chocolate lab, the kindest dog who ever lived. I adopted her at age 9 and we had three and a half wonderful years together. She was my first pet as an adult. At first it feels like someone has shot out your heart with a high-powered rifle and you're bleeding on everything you touch. Little by little the "robot-walk" creeps in - the public face you have to put on for those people who have not been a blessed as you have - to have been found, in all this wide universe, by your one special spirit dog. From the beginning of time you have been soul-carriers (an idea I borrowed from Moonbeam on this site). She carries a part of yours and you carry a part of hers - forever - in both directions - from the beginning of time until its end. She searched for you among the billions of people on this earth until she found you - the person who carried the "missing puzzle piece" of her soul. Then she put herself in your path so you'd notice her. When you did, your soul recognized it's "missing piece" and there was that instant rush of indescribable love.

Our spirit animals are on a mission - to guide us, teach us some life lessons, and most of all to show us the infinite power of love. We love them with everything we have - and they return is a million fold. And, especially wise, calm dogs like labs, they show us the power of just being. Except for her color, your Dixie looks so much like my Gretta. It's that grey, wise face that melts one's heart. Like your vet, my vet is the greatest - a genius of science and a truly wonderful human being. Gretta passed in a way a lot like your Dixie except from a different cause - a neurological collapse of some kind. I had to take her to a University Vet School because it was a Sunday and my vet wasn't open. A few days later when I met with him, he gave me three big hugs and said that Gretta was in a safe place now. That was incredible coming from a man of science!

I believe that souls are forever and that Dixie and Gretta and all the good beings who ever lived or will live have a place in the Perfect World, a world where there is no pain, only happiness. Where each one gets to be and do whatever is the most fun and comfortable for them - I mean, imagine a place where labs get to chase all the squirrels and rabbits they want to and the squirrels and rabbits don't even mind! In their turn, they get to tease all the labs they want to, and the labs just laugh. I believe our special soul animals live on - we just can't see or hear or touch them - and that hurts like you-know-what! They're still guiding us, leading us, teaching us and loving us exactly as before but we just can't see them. One author said (I'll find the real quote) that they're heads are still in our hands just like before.

Thank you for opening your heart and sharing the story of beautiful Miss Dixie with us. It's amazing - all the people here in the LS family are the blessed ones - those whose soul-mate has found them. Alone, we're like straws in the wind. Together we're strong and unbreakable - we support each other and build each other up when we're torn down. It's a long long road, Christina. I'm a little farther along than you are so I've got a little bit of strength to share - give me a little of your burden today and let's carry it together.

Please keep us posted on how you're doing. We're all either going through it, getting ready to do it (worst of all), or crawling along the slough of despond, trying to live our lives in a way that is worthy of our soul-mate's love. Keep on writing, Christina, it helps a lot.

Take care of yourself today, my friend.

Gretta's mom

Dear Kristina,

So very sorry to hear about your beautiful Dixie's passing. I know you're going through Hell right now, and that it hurts to even breathe. You will go through a whole range of emotions -- denial, anger, loneliness, hopelessness,... but please know that you're not alone. Every one of us here understands what you're going through, and we're all right here with you. Every single step of the way. Please know that it does get easier with time and lot's of tears. We never stop missing our babies physical presence, but we learn to somehow adjust, and learn to understand that they never truly leave us. Love cannot die, and they left a part of them behind in our heart, in our memories, in our soul, and these are ours to keep forever, until it's our appropriate time to be reunited with them for all eternity.

Please let us know how you're getting on. I will be thinking of you. Try to take care of yourself.

Cheryl xx

Oh Kristina......I am so sorry for the loss of your sweet Dixie. She is a beautiful dog. There's not much I can add to these sweet ladies' words, just that I know how you feel. We lost our sweet Mickey over 4 months ago and I still get tears every day. I haven't put all his things away yet.

Take care and take one day at a time....God Bless...

LoveMyMickey

Thank you everyone so much for your kind and encouraging words. I believe she is watching over me and will continue to do so until we are able to be together again. The pain of losing her is almost unbearable, and I think about her constantly.

Sometimes I forget she is gone, and I walk into the bathroom expecting to see her laying there as it was her favorite spot. I finally left the house for the first time since we lost her and it was so hard, but I did it.

I am glad that I am not alone, because at times it feels like I am. Almost like everyone around is moving forward but I am still sitting here being so sad.

Hi, Kristina, please permit me to add my sincerest sympathies in the physical loss of your beloved Dixie. Losing a beloved companion is never easy regardless of the circumstances or how long we are blessed with the privilege of their company. Euthanasia is the last gift of love we can give to our beloved companions - - at great sacrifice to ourselves - - so that they can be released from their failing physical bodies and restored to their former youthfulness in the company of the angels.

Kristina, what you are feeling about being "locked in time" is normal. It never ceases to amaze me how "life goes on" without missing a beat - - bills get paid, jobs get done, chores get done, etc., and so forth - - it's like we're on what I call "automatic pilot." We're going through the motions but it's like we are "detached" from the events. And this is because our hearts are in deep grief - - nothing matters -- and how could it for we have just lost the physical presence of the most integral part of our hearts and lives - - our beloved companion. What else could possibly have any meaning?

This grief journey is one of "adjustment" to the physical absence of our beloved companion, and it is a very painful journey - -both emotionally and physically. It can only be traveled one day at a time - - sometimes one moment at a time. One of the many things to remember is that you are not alone. Each of us here do understand what you are going through and we are here for you for as long and as often as you need us.

Another very important thing for you to remember is that the love bond you share with your precious Dixie is eternal - - it is not restricted to the physical laws of time and space. She continues to share your earthly journey just as she always and always will - -she is always a heartbeat close to you.

Kristina, I know right now there are no adequate words in any language that can soothe your breaking heart, but I hope in some way the words I have shared with you will bring you some comfort, encouragement, and hope. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and look forward to knowing how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

The last few weeks have been bad for black labs. Our dear Rae lost her beloved Cinder three weeks to the day we lost our Dixie. I have another friend that has a 14 year old black girl, who thinks Monday may be the day for her. It all makes me so incredibly sad. Labs are my favorite, such a special breed.

I still feel little comfort from our other pets. I was at my doctors office today and for the first time I noticed that he has paintings of Labradors all over. I don't know how I never noticed it before, but when I did it sent a pain right into my gut.

I feel like I shouldn't keep moaning about how much I miss Dixie, but I honestly can't help it. It hurts me to my very core each day that goes by and she isn't here. I look at pictures and watch videos of her every single day. She was such a good funny girl. She loved having her picture taken. My biggest regret is that I have zero pictures of her and I together. I always took them of her just being her, and now I wish so bad I did have some of the two of us together.

Dear Kristina....Please don't feel bad talking about missing Dixie. That is why we all are here, to comfort each other. You will always miss Dixie's physical presence, but she is always with you in spirit.

I look at Mickey's pics every day. I had lots taken of him and me, but I regret not taking any videos. I just never got into that. I'm not sure if I could watch them.

That is very sad about so many black Labs passing recently. Our next door neighbor had one and she was so sweet. Mickey really loved her. They would kiss through the chain link fence.

Take care Kristina. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Hugs,

LoveMyMickey

Labs are so incredible. I am keeping myself from going to Danny's house because he has a black lab too. I know as soon as Max comes to me with that wagging smile, I will break down. I know Cinder and Dixie are together along with all the other wonderful labs. It was funny I was looking at pictures yesterday and the first one I found was of Cinder's grandmother, Sandy, as a puppy and me as a tiny little girl playing with her, so strange. I never could have imagined that my soul mate would come from that dog. Dixie is such a pretty girl, I smile every time I see her picture. It's amazing how an animal can make us feel this way.

I hope today gets better for you. Always thinking of y'all.

Much love.

Cinder's Mama

LoveMyMickey- I live about 5 miles south of Cincinnati, where are you at? Our neighbors have a black lab mix, he looks like a smaller version of Dixie. They were such good friends. He comes over and looks in the door for her. After she passed I was out back and he came over and sat on my feet, just the way she always would do, and smiled his doggy smile at me. I hate telling him "shes not here Elvis" but he keeps looking. Sweet boy.

As a rescuer I love all animals, but labs have always held a special place in my heart. There is just something about them that draws me to them. Even at 115 pounds (133 at her heaviest) Dixie was such a gentle girl, most of the time at least. She was incredibly strong and heavy, but had the sweetest disposition and she was so incredibly smart. I have always said I love people that love my dog, and despise people that don't.

Rae I know what you mean about seeing another black lab. Every time I see Elvis my heart breaks a little more. I posted something that got lost when the board messed up about how he was outside playing with one of his toys and I completely lost it. I was so angry that my neighbors (who are incredibly wonderful people) still had their Elvis and I didn't have my Dixie. Granted Elvis is 2 and Dixie was 10 but still. Then I felt embarrassed/astonished that I even had that thought. That is so not like me to think that way.

What gets me the most is that it is so quiet in here. She was always making some sort of noise, her tags jingling on her collar, scratching noises, breathing, snoring, even passing gas! (which us lab parents know can be lethal!)

Macy, our other dog (I never know how to refer to her now, our remaining dog? our dog? I don't know) has gotten so clingy. I was reading about pets grieving and it said that they often look around for the pet that has passed, and want more attention from their parents. That is definitely what is happening with her.

I miss her so much. I cry at the drop of a hat for reasons that I normally wouldn't cry for. I was looking for something at the store the other day and couldn't find it, and started crying right there. The loss of her hurts me so bad. I go to the bookcase where we have her urn and a bunch of her other things, plus poems and stuff, and talk to her ashes. I am still sleeping with her favorite blue and pink octopus, and I think that will continue for some time. I pick up her collar off the bookshelf and smell it, it still has her wonderful labby smell.

I hope all of you are well today my friends. I am grateful we have each other through this sad journey, to lean on when we are down, to lift each other up, to just be there for each other, the way our babies were always there for us.

I am leaving a picture that got erased during the board mishap. She loved her daddy so much.

Kristina....we live in Frankfort.....I know what you mean about seeing another dog like yours especially when they live next door........I'm like you, I cry over nothing here lately. I have been thinking back, that I hardly ever cried at all during the years we had Mickey. He kept us smiling.

I love all animals too and when I read about any being mistreated, I can hardly stand it. We have some stray cats that come around at night to our carport for food. I guess they are stray, they're not friendly. Anyway we feel sorry for them and I buy them good cat food. Also put out fresh water.

Raerae and Kristina, my Lab friends, I hope day by day you all will start to feel better and have fun memories of your sweet furbabies. Take care.

God Bless,

LoveMyMickey

Hello to all my lab lover friends.
My Sweet Dixie, my Gretta (the kindest chocolate lab who ever lived) passed on April 10 and I am still very sad about it. Sometimes, even though I have another dog - a black lab-Newfie mix - who's a big, energetic boy, I still cry over my Gretta's pillow and make up Gretta' words to folk songs. She is my first dog as an adult and is my true soul mate. I'll never "get over' missing her.

Thank God the site is back up!

Good nights to all.

Gretta's mom

LoveMyMickey- I went and read your story about your dear Mickey. How lucky he was to have had you as his parents! He was such a handsome boy too! I am glad I got to read about him, and in his picture he looked like he was smiling. I love when dogs smile!

Gretta's mom- I really think we are going to get a chocolate girl for our new family member when I feel ready. I told Aj that I am a lab mom, I will always be a lab mom and I can't imagine not having one. I have looked on petfinder a few times, and at a bunch of rescue pages but the one hasn't popped out at me yet. When I do find her I will know, just like I knew with Dixie.

This is my first big loss. I have had people pass on, and while I was sad I didn't feel this gut wrenching pain that I feel over Dixie. She was mine. Of course she loved her Daddy and he loved her but she was moms girl. I always used to ask her "whos my best girl?" and she would cover my face in kisses. She was my number one and she knew it. I got her name tattooed on my wrist about a year ago, and I always wanted to get her paw prints done but never got around to it. After she was gone I was feeling really bad that I didn't have pictures or anything of her paw prints. I asked my husband one day to see what pictures of her we had on his laptop, and there was a folder with tons of pictures of her paw prints in the snow. I was so incredibly happy to have found that, I had forgotten I took those pictures over the winter. So now I will be able to get it done, and that makes me very very happy. I wanted her prints, not a generic paw.

I wish we all could have met each other's babies, because I know we would have loved them as well. As it is now I feel like I do know all of you, and our darlings that we are missing so bad.

I hope the day has treated you all well. Much love to all of you.

Dear Kristina,

I don't get on the computer much lately but try at least once a week. I just read of your loss and want to tell you now sorry I am. My son and his wife have yellow lab and he is a wonderful dog. I have always heard that labs make great companions. I have a friend at work who lost hers over a year ago and is picking up a 5 month old tomorrow from a lab rescue. In time you may be ready to find another special lab to share your heart with.

I have a Schnoodle and Schnauzer. Very different from labs! We lost our Schnoodle little girl in Jan when she was hit by a car. I still cry almost every day even though we have a new companion in our 6 month old mini Schnauzer. My heart goes out to you and I just wanted to tell you that all of us are here for you as we have been where you are.

I can only hope that as the days goes by the loss of Dixie will get a little easier for you.

Joanne

Hi, Kristina, just being able to get caught up on how you're doing. As our forum friends have so comfortingly offered you, so I wish to add my affirmation of their words. This deep grief is normal that you're feeling. A HUGE part of your life has changed, and you need to give yourself time to adjust to this. Unfortunately it isn't going to happen within a few hours, days, or weeks. It's a journey that can only be traveled one day at a time, - - sometimes one moment at a time. This deep grief is excruciatingly painful - - both emotionally and physically - - so please try to find some private time just for yourself. Grief does take a toll on the immune system because of the very high stress the body is going through. As difficult as it is right now, it is important that you try to find some time to rest both your mind and body.

I am so glad you found pictures of your precious Dixie's paw prints. I can feel your elation as you speak of it. And please know that your precious Dixie has already selected your new companion and is now guiding the both of you to the place and time that you will meet, and you will know your beloved Dixie is smiling is total approval.

Kristina, I hope today will be a peaceful day for you and your husband. Your Macy needs your comfort, and in the process you will find you are comforting one another, and this, too, is what your beloved Dixie wants for the both of you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Kristina, and look forward to knowing how you are doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Hi Kristina,

I hope today (well yesterday now) was a good day for you. I'm glad that you are thinking of getting a chocolate girl to add to your family. I just love any kind of lab. I like your idea about the paw prints, that will be neat and I look forward to seeing how they turn out.

I know what you mean about losing people vs. losing your special dog. I feel guilty sometimes because I know I haven't always felt this amount of grief for a person that has passed. But then again most people aren't up your behind 24/7 Anyway, I hope this week is a good one for you and Aj.

Much love.

Cinder's Mama

Hey everyone

Yesterday was a really rough day, so sorry for not coming around. I just wanted to lie in bed for long periods of time. This is supposed to get easier, not harder. Something else also occurred to me today. I absolutely hate hate hate the hours between 11 and 12, both morning and night. This is when, during the last 4 months of her life, Dixie would eat and then have her insulin shot and the rest of her meds. A few times I have caught myself going into the kitchen in a panic thinking I forgot to feed her or give her meds to her.

The past few nights have been really difficult for me. More not sleeping. I keep thinking I see her out of the corner of my eye. I have a certain spot I sit at on our bed with my laptop, and I would always look up and be able to see her. Also I think I heard her tags jingling a few times a few nights back. I went out into the main part of the house to see if I could figure out what was making that noise, but there was not one thing that could have done it. Her collar is on the shelf with all of her other things in the same position as I put it, so I don't know. One cat was outside, and the other was in the bed with Aj, Macy and me.

I also remembered something else. I had posted something about her coming and tearing up the bathroom rug that got deleted when the board crashed. Well for those of you who didn't get to see that post, Dixie loved laying in the bathroom because it was cool. She would always dig up the rug in front of the tub/toilet. Two times since we lost her I had walked into the bathroom and the rug was all torn up. I know it wasn't any of our other animals because they just don't go in there. That was Dixie's thing, and it made me smile to walk in and see that. I just said "I see you tore up the rug again" and fixed it, which I would always do while she was alive. It happened again maybe 2 days ago, not as extreme as she would have normally torn it up, but still messed up a bit.

I miss my big girl. I did find some pictures of the two of us together on my moms camera. I was so upset over the fact that I didn't have any, and I was going through her camera the other day to see if she had any pictures of Dixie that I didn't and she definitely did. I look horrible in them but that doesn't matter, all that matters is I have a few of me and my girl.

Rae, Moonbeam and Joanne thank you so very much for checking in on me. I feel so drained right now, but I will come back and do my personals in a bit. I hope everyone is well and I am sending all my love to all of you.

I completely forgot to add this. I also am having surgery on Wednesday. This is my second surgery on this area, I have been waiting almost a year for the doctor to give the all clear that it had healed to the point he wanted it to be. I won't go into detail but I will just say google fistula, and think about the part of your body you sit on the most. Yep. 10 years ago I had 4 surgeries on the same thing with a general surgeon who completely scarred me for life, both physically and mentally. He never sent me to a specialist. This time when this thing came back I was smarter than I was at 20, and demanded a colorectal doctor. I now go to the best one here in Northern Kentucky.

Anyway the point of this is that through all my other surgeries, Dixie was always here when I came home from the hospital. She always made me feel better no matter what kind of pain I was in. She would come into our room and put her big beautiful head on my side of the bed and demand to have attention. No rest for mom regardless of what I had going on! She would lick me and give me her doggy smile, then go lay at the foot of the bed to watch over me. I am really going to miss that this time, and it is actually giving me a bit of anxiety. Also when I wake up from surgeries I always talk about my dogs, and I am nervous as to what I will end up saying. I never remember talking about it, but the nurses always say something along the lines of "you sure love your dogs, you talked nonstop about them when you were waking up" when I am leaving to go home.

And now Macy is demanding to go outside.

Hi, Kristina, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. I hope your surgery goes smoothly and that your recovery will be speedy and uneventful. In my lifetime I have had two surgeries in the same area for different reasons, so I have an idea about what you have gone through in the past, and are facing post-Wednesday's surgery. My heart goes out to you, Kristina, and please know you are in my thoughts and prayers.

I am so very glad you found pictures on your mom's camera of you and your precious Dixie. This is such good news, and I know you will treasure those pictures.

As for this grief adjustment journey, Kristina, - - it is truly a horror roller coaster ride for sure. Just when you think you've come through the worst part - - it seems like something comes along - - a memory, or a song, or something you see - - SOMETHING - - happens that sends us to our knees again in deep grief that feels as though its the first moment we are faced with the physical loss of our beloved companion. We live in a physical world bound by the five senses of taste, touch, smell, sight, and hearing. Our beloved companions are a HUGE part of our physical life, and when they no longer are physically with us it is a HUGE and PAINFUL adjustment.

There is no doubt in my mind that your precious Dixie is doing everything she can to let you know she is still with you - - always and forever. And rest assured she will be with you comforting you in your recuperation just as she always has. And please do not be concerned about what you might say as you're coming awake from the anesthesia. The most important thing is to concentrate on feeling better as quickly as possible.

Kristina, thank you so very much for sharing with us how you're doing. I promise you the deep grief you are feeling will ease, and eventually the good days will outnumber the deep grief days. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Kristina, and look forward to knowing how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Hi Kristina....I am so sorry you had a bad day. About the time you think you begin to feel better, then it hits you even worse.....That was interesting about the rugs being messed up. Mickey would also dig up places and lay down.. Then sometimes he would dig a place or fluff it up and go lay somewhere else......We have seen and heard so many signs that his little Spirit is around. I heard a noise this morning before I got up, it sounded like he was shaking his fur out.

Kristina I hope your surgery goes well and you heal quickly. I'm sure Dixie will be watching over you...Remember you are always in my thoughts and prayers.

Hugs,

LoveMyMickey