Recently I wrote in about my dear 20 month old BullMastiff Butkus being diagnosed with TCell Lymphoma. We tried prednisone but the cancer was roaring through his body at an astonishing rate. We watched a loving and happy-go-lucky doggy friend drastically slow down, become very sick but still he remained stoic. Finally this afternoon after watching him having painful eliminations I decided he was suffering and so took him to the vet. She said it was my decision but she thought he was suffering also. Once I gave the go-ahead she left to get the shot. He thought it was time to leave and went to the door. It was heartbreaking and made me wonder if he was not ready to go to Dog Heaven yet. He was given the relaxant but even then he fought it. Finally he lay down asleep but his heart just wouldn't stop! It took several more shots with the vet apologizing profusely. The Tech said even as sick as he was he still had an incredibly strong heart! Finally he went to eternal sleep. I know deep down I did the best thing for him but I will forever wonder if he was asking me to give him more time. The guilt is overwhelming and my heart is broken. My other dog is searching high and low for his friend and does not understand. I've faced this type of pain many times before but the guilt seems to be so deep this time. I'm not sure I will ever forgive myself for not giving him just a little more time.
I love my Angel Baby Butkus and will forever hold him in my heart. Dear Butkus, please forgive me and know I love you forever.

Thank you all for giving me a place to air my grief. Bless you all.
Big Dog Mom

I just cried so hard after reading this. I am so sorry for your loss. And for the guilt you are feelong. That is truely a tough one to take. But you have to keep reminding yourself as to how sick he was. They say(with people anyways) that they look and act great just b4 they go. Butkus may have not had much time left on earth, but he will always be with you. I know how you are feeling about wanting more time. I think back at my situation and wonder if some of my baby's problems was due to the fact he was in a strange place with strangers poking at his hurt body. If only I sat with him a while to calm his nerves maybe he could have made it to surgery. Even though we know in our hearts it was the best thing to do, that damn guilt sticks to us like glue..Butkus is in a beautiful place now and he knows you did this because you love him..no need for forgivness..But if you truely need it, I'm sure he'll give it to you...Hugs.. Ann

Thank you so much Ann for your kind words. Butkus is indeed in a much happier place now and I need to focus on that. I'm trying to be a bit kinder to myself today to work through the grief. I'm trying to spend more time with my Rottie who is also grieving. Time will make the pain bearable and I have wonderful memories and a few pictures to cherish of the beautiful Butkus boy. I was truly blessed to have him with me even if it was a short time. He will be forever in my heart just as I'm sure your beloved baby is in yours. Thank you for reaching out to me with your response. I truly needed that!

Sincerely,
Big Dog Mom

I am so sorry to hear about Butkus. I have gone through too many battles with cancer and it wins.
You did everything you could for Butkus and he knew that. After such a decision what helps me is knowing they are not suffering anymore and if I had delayed...even that suffering would have been worse. I could never do that to such a sweetheart.

All you can do is the best you know how and through your vet..the best she knew to do. But when it is their time to leave us...all we can hope is we can give them peace...they deserve that.

You said: but the cancer was roaring through his body at an astonishing rate. We watched a loving and happy-go-lucky doggy friend drastically slow down, become very sick but still he remained stoic. Finally this afternoon after watching him having painful eliminations I decided he was suffering and so took him to the vet.

You cannot feel guilt about this. Cancer is painful (people tell us that). These babies would suffer anything to stay with us. When there is no cure....when the quality of life is truly gone ("painful eliminations")...it is the right decision. We want them to be with us longer and perhaps that is why the thought comes to us..to have kept them longer. But if what they have is not curable and they are suffering silently just to be with us....we cannot feel any guilt about the decision to give them peace and know they will never suffer again. I can understand guilt only if we allow them to suffer because we want to keep them with us..in spite of their suffering. I can't repay unconditional love that way and neither did you.

We will love and miss them forever but please do not feel any guilt..it is never a decision we make lightly and many times we question it later but we know at the time it was the right thing to do for them. (I had a dog years ago fight going to be xrayed..the first time in her life she did that as though she knew what would be found meant she would not be able to go home with me.)

It is their instinct to remain with us no matter how they feel. We have to be the parent who makes the decisions we never want to.

Physically Butkus is in a better place. His soul and spirit are a part of you and so he will truly always be with you. He is a part of your heart and will remain there forever.

I am glad you have Rottie. It really helps not to try healing alone.

My favorite Mom's sayings is: The pain of losing him will never ever be greater than the joy of knowing him.

That thought has helped my thinking many times. No guilt, please. Just know Butkus is at peace. His disease was not his fault or your fault and you two did the best you could to fight it and each day you had each other without true suffering was blessed. But in time...the disease will take over and we just love these sweethearts way too much to let any disease make them suffer when there is no cure. You did the right thing for your baby. Never forget that.

Hugs to you and Rottie...and a special hug for that new Angel...Butkus..that beautiful boy!

Judy

Sometimes it tears us up inside, but we know we have to make the decision for them. It is still so painfull.
Some losses are just different. I have had 3 losses in the last year and 3 months, but the last one hit me really HARD. Was so glad to come here and talk to everyone. Everyone's own personal stories and pictures sure help us!
More stories when you wanna tell us.

Hugs to you and your Angel Butkus!!!!!!!

Thank you all for your kind words of support. It's been a difficult week without my dear Butkus but the pain is easing a wee bit. Having had the support you all gave me made a world of difference and helped me to begin to heal. I am so grateful for this forum. Bless you all and your angel babies!
BigDogMom

Hi Bigdogmom--------Sorry for being so late in responding.I noticed this morn your date of 9-15-08 telling us about your dear Butkus.That date would have been by boy Willys' 11th birthday.He is a 70+ l.b. British Bulldog.As far as I know part of the family tree of Bullmastiffs.Probably similar personalities.Willy passed on 9-3-08.Butkus was probably like a huge version of Willy.May our Hope of the BRIDGE be realized and NEVER be seperated again from our babies.As I have said a gazillion times on this forum;Today we are one less day away from seeing our babies and spending ETERNITY with them! The rumor is that eternity lasts for quite some time,so stock up on those 40 l.b. bags o' food as it's gonna be a long haul.God bless your beautiful boy Butkus.
Your forum pal,
Bubba....................

No no no no no.....Don't torture yourself like this.
You did the right thing no matter what. Remember, your goal was to reduce his suffering. Remember, you loved him. We can't do any more than that. Love our babies, do what we can to make them suffer less. If you hadn't done what you had done, he may have suffered a lot more. Just be happy that you did the best you could (and I know that for a fact) based on your love for him. He'll be waiting on the other side for you and you know that he'll be just full of happiness to see you when he does.

I still still cry over my Dog, but I know that he loves his dad and I'll see him eventually and he's not suffering now.

So feel better. He's OK now.

-Donald

My heart goes out to you....I am so sure that you did the right thing, I'm sure your baby was in pain, you had begun to notice his pain.....I had to put a cat down on the 13th and I have had some of the same feelings of guilt and perhaps we should have given him more time. But he had lost almost HALF of his weight. No, it was the right thing to do, so we should stop tormenting ourselves.

Your baby will always be with you in your heart and will no longer have to feel the pain and suffering. As difficult as it was, it must have been the right thing to do. Animals are SO good at hiding their pain. We humans---not so good at it. Keep coming to this site, it helps tremendously.

With care,
Mikki