How On Earth Do You Move Past This?

Today was really really hard.
My mom misses Steve the way I miss Puck... and I sympathize. I loved steve too. But yesterday she told me how glad she was that Steve died of cancer instead of something like what Puck had, because if that happened to her, she would feel responsible.
Now I'm right back with guilt eating at me.

Yesterday batman was cuddling in my lap and he suddenly went really stiff and got this pained look on his face. Right away I started to panic, until several LONG seconds later, he let loose of this monsoon sneeze. I'm just trapped in this hypervigilant mode. Scooping the litter box, I find myself wondering if that pee spot is normal sized or if it's suspiciously small. If Batman has lost too much weight... if his coat is looking not as healthy....
I know Batman lost his buddy, but sometimes he seems so depressed that I wonder if there isn't something else going on with him... But then I can't put my finger on a single symptom....
I just feel like I can't trust my own instincts anymore and I'm terrified that I'll let somethign happen to another of my kitties....

Clark

I lost my Puck back on 1-9. It was devastating because he was so young, but also because it was something that might have been fixable if I had more money.

I knew my Puck would have wanted another kitty to have a chance, so the next saturday, my friend Anna sent me a picture message of a little grey cat. I asked her what the pic was about, and she told me it was my new kitty.
I had discussed with her that I thought I knew the kind of kitty that would fit into my home (I have another cat, Batman. He was an orphan that Puck helped raise and they were so so close.). I wanted to get somebody who wasn't going to be too pushy/too alpha because my poor Bats had been through enough losing Puck and I knew I just couldn't take the discord.... the day that I lost Puck, I let my mom convince me to take one of her kitties, Steve, home so that Batman wouldn't get lonely. And it was horrible. Batman was upset, Steve was excited by his new home and WAY pushy and obnoxious... It just made everything harder, because with Puck and Batman together, there was never a hiss or a growl. I couldn't take it and I ended up taking him back to her the next day.

I had my reservations about bringing another kitty home after the failure with Steve. But this guy needed a home. He was born to a feral mother in the horse trailer of a trainer that I know. They got momma and the kittens into the tack room. The other kitties found new home, but he was apparently too shy. was then about 8 months old and was past cute kitten stage. My friend saw how scared he got when the kids at the barn for riding lesson would go in the tack room and bug him, and right away she thought of me.... I agreed to take him with the understanding that if he didn't fit in, I could bring him back. It felt like fate because I still had my kitty carrier in my car with me for some unknown reason....

Brought him home, and right away I knew that it could work out. Batman chirped and sang to him constantly. I think I could count on my fingers the number of times any hissing or growling happened, and it was all pretty minor... generally the result of Clark following Batman into the litter box.

Puck and Batman used to sleep curled up together. On my bed, in the chairs, on the floor... Everywhere.

I was worried that Batman wouldn't ever have that good of a friend again, but it looks like they're on their way.... Batman and Clark were just laying cuddled up next to me- batman in a little ball, and Clark stretched out, adjoined at the forehead and front legs, purring away after a nice session of grooming each other.

I still miss Puck terribly, but I'm so grateful that Fate brought Clark into our lives. He doesn't fill the hole that Puck's loss left, but it does help and I just love the little fellow to bits.

Will try and get some pics of him to share. Going to be better about taking pictures of things. I never realized how few pics I had of Puck until he was gone and there could be no more.

I Can't Believe We're Losing Another One

I am absolutely heartsick...

Yesterday when I was at my mom's house, Steve, the cat she sent home with me when I lost Puck, started breathing really funny. We thought maybe he caught a respiratory infection.
Mom just took him to the vet and he had a bunch of fluid which the vet drained, but that revealed he had cancer.
vet doesn't expect him to last more than a couple of days. Mom was going to have him put to sleep then, but she says he started purring in her arms and she couldn't do it. Vet sent her home with medication.

Please keep Steve and my mom in your thoughts and prayers. he's such a very good kitty.

We took him in as a starving to death stray tomcat- he was so thin that if you put your hand around his backbone, your fingers could actually touch together. He was scary at first, kind of untractable, but once he was neutered and his hormones settled in, he became just the coolest kitty. He has a huge purr, and loved to get right in your face and hug. He would rub up against you, and then playfully bite your chin or your nose.

This is just a fricking terrible month...
My aunt's horse died just into the new year (she lived to be 26 years old despite being chronically ill from a very young age) , I lost my baby on the 9th, my sister's little foster dog, who had found her forever home, was put to sleep due to kidney failure, and now Steve...

I Miss My Puck

Hi... It will be a week ago tomorrow morning that I lost my furry little soulmate. It was completely unexpected and I just can't seem to get a grip.
Puck was my first kitty that I chose. He was born to a feral momma that we took in to spay. I was supposed to rehome him like I did with his brothers and sisters, but when he was the last little kitty left of his litter and I was completely alone- my mom had gone with my big sister on her move across the country, and I took a look at my teeny little monkey cat and knew that he was my baby.
He was very timid. Pretty much scared of everything- even my mom, whose house he lived in for the first 3 years of his life- but he was never scared of me for me.
We would play fetch until he was bright pink and panting and he would still beg for more. Most nights he laid on my chest, his head under my chin, his front legs around my neck, kneading and purring until he fell asleep, and if he wasn't there, he was laying on his back tucked between my arm and my side.
When he was only a few months old, we took in two orphaned kittens. Puck loved them. He would clean them after their bottles, sleep curled up with him, even though he was just a baby himself. They found new homes, but after about a year, one of the babies had to come back from his adoptive home. It was like Puck and Batman had never been apart. They napped curled up together and would groom each other.
I moved to my first apartment a month and a half ago, and he moved with me.
Late last thursday night, he started acting very different... He was very very crabby, very vocal, and was sitting strangely, and running in and out of the littterbox. Right away I knew that he was having urinary tract issues. I wanted to take him to the vet on friday, but couldn't get off work. Saturday morning, I bundled him up and drove the 45 minutes to our vet.
My sister has a kitty who is on medication and prescription diet, and I was expecting to drop a bundle of money on various medications and more on prescription diet. But the vet felt his little belly and told me he was totally blocked...
they ran a quote for me, and I just broke down. It was more than I could afford. If everything went perfectly, it was more than I had in my account to pay because I recently had car repairs, student loan repayments, and if it went like they expected, it was going to be over a thousand dollars, with more bills coming down the . So I had to sit there and put a dollar sign against my best little friend's life.
I stayed with him until the end, petted him and told him how much I loved him. I thought I would have years with him. He wasn't even four years old.
I feel so guilty. I failed him because I didn't have enough money for that vet bill. I look at the things in my apartment and think that if I hadn't gotten all these things, I could have saved him.
I also failed him by missing some of the signs that he was getting sick..... there was fewer pee spots in the litter box, and I had attributed a little bit of lethargy to him being mad about some stray cats sitting outside my apartment window, or maybe he was mad that I had gone back to work after being home on vacation for a week.... Or he did have a paw condition called Plasma Cell Pododermatitis, which made his feet ouchy sometimes...
I was so busy with work coming back from my vacation that I didn't even put them all together.
I miss him so much, and so does Batman. He didn't eat for a couple of days. today he finally started playing again.
My mother wants me to take one of her cats, but Batman and Steve didn't really get along when they were at my mom's. I tried him for a day, but ended up taking him back. Batman was miserable, and it just reminded me that he was with me because I had failed my baby.
I have his collar and his favorite toy in a little box. It is my constant companion.
My sister thinks I should get a new cat to distract me, but I don't think I'm ready. Puck was more than a cat to me. I don't know if I can take in another cat- what if something happens to Batman? I'd have to sit there and say goodbye to another one. But I think that Puck would want me to give somebody else a home. There are so many that need it... I can't afford heroics, and I generally don't believe in them, but I could give somebody else a chance...
As I was driving to work on tuesday, I came around a curve and there was the prettiest, brightest half rainbow I had ever seen. I think maybe that was my little boy letting me know that he's ok. He was just a little guy... no way could he reach to make a whole rainbow...