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Robertmofford
61 years old
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Montreal, Canada
Born Aug-17-1962
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Robertmofford

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6 Jul 2009
Last week I had 3 cats. Today I have 1. Last Tuesday my oldest cat Bugs passed on at the age of 18. Tough as it was I knew it was coming, and thankfully he hadn't been sick for long. I had him since he was a kitten, and needless to say I was/still am a wreck. I expect I will be for a while.
One thing that gave me some solace was that I had 2 others-Penelope and Sabrina. Last night I noticed that Penelope was a bit unsteady, and throughout the course of the night she got progressively worse, to the point where she couldn't walk. I could tell she was in agony. Since there are no emergency vet clinics near where I live I put her in bed next to me with the intention of getting her to a vet first thing in the morning. Long story short, she didn't survive the night. I've been a walking zombie ever since. I feel just about every emotion possible. Sadness, confusion, anger, but mostly guilt. I can't understand what happened, or why, or what I could have done to save her. I loved her dearly. She had the most beautiful, gentle temprament, and she was only 8 years old. I don't know how she got sick, and why she went so quickly. I searched the house from top to bottom to see if there was something toxic she could have gotten into, but came up with nothing. But being a cat owner more or less steadily for over 20 years I'm EXTREMELY vigilant about things like that. I'm beating myself up something awful over this. I can't shake this feeling that I failed her(or even both of them for that matter.) I've played every scenario imaginable in my head. For a brief minute I had almost convinced myself that someone was sneaking in and poisoning them. Which is a ridiculous theory when looked at logically. But in cases like this I guess imaginations can run amok.
Now I still have Sabrina, and I love her dearly, but now I'm afraid for her too. I'm afraid I'll fail her too. Both losses are excruciating on their own, but to have them happen so hot on the heels of each other is too much. I'm trying to make sense of this, but am drawing a huge blank. I don't know what to think or feel.I'd appreciate some feedback, if anyone can give me any. It would be greatly appreciated. Thanks.
6 Apr 2006
I tend to have a delayed reaction to things. As well as a tendency to bury my head in the sand. This is probably the most delayed reaction to anything I can think of. I've got to let this out before it kills me.
The story may sound convoluted but trust me it's real, and it's tearing me apart. Several years ago I was living with a flake of a room-mate who literally got us thrown out onto the street. About the only thing I was able to keep was my cat. At the time my mother who lived nearby invited me to move back home. That seemed like a perfect solution at the time. Not long after my moving back she(my mother) was diagnosed as having terminal cancer, which was bad enough. Almost from the minute she got the news Garfield(my cat) became her mortal enemy. From the get-go she was vehement that I had to get rid of him and fast! Today I know I would have reacted differently but you know what they say about the road to hell being paved with good intenetions. Since she was so sick, I tried to comply and find the best all-around solution for everyone. For a whole week I was hardly ever off the phone, I tried everything I could to get him a temporary home, with the intention of taking him back. Unfortunately, I couldn't. I finally came up with the idea of putting him in a reasonably-priced kennel. 0n the drive there he knew something was up, and tried to be affectionate with me. When I gave him to the staff he tried to grab me by my shirt because he didn't want to be separated from me. If I live to be 100 I'll never forget his face at that moment. initially I kept up the kennel payments, put given that I was only working part-time and the only source of income for the family, that quickly became impossible, and so they ended up euthanizing him. To this day i feel like a murderer. That cat was all I had! My mother herself ended up dying not long after this, and needless to say we never did discuss the issue. So I suffered a double loss. There was no closure for me for either one of them. To this day a very strong part of me resents my mother all to hell. When I said that Garfield was all I had I mean that literally. Somehow I made it through this in one piece(pretty much), and I forced myself to go on. That was a long time ago. And I've had other animals since, and have loved them deeply. I've also given them very good homes. Yet I can't get Garfield out of my mind. Especially the last few days. I can't stop thinking about him, and have burst into tears at least half a dozen times in the last two days alone.
And then it hit me. It was this week, way back when when I took him to the kennel, and I'm sure I'm going to cry a lot more. He didn't deserve this. No matter how many animals I save and give homes to he still remains the biggest victim(aside from my mother). And no matter how many animals I have or take care of nothing can bring him back. He's gone and no-one can change that. And it was all my fault. I did everything I could for him and at the end of the day I feel responsible for what happened. My guilt and grief are overpowering and I don't know what I'm going to do about it . At least I'm glad there is a site like this, and I'll have to stop right here because I'm about to start bawling again.
Thanks for letting me vent.
Robert Mofford
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