My Sweet Boy Micki Passed Away Options

[MaximusM]

Hi everyone. Been scrolling the pages and the stories on this forum since Sunday. Summed up my courage to write my story of extreme grief and guilt that I am experiencing since last Saturday when my sweetest dog Micki passed from acute pancreatitis that he was diagnosed on Friday. As painful as it is for me to express, here's how my story went those hardest 2 days that led him to pass away from a cardiac arrest.
It all started on Friday morning when I woke up to get ready for work. Opening the door to my room I saw my second furry friend a chihuahua next to my bedroom door, which was very inusual because they both slept in the same bed every night for the pas 3 years. Right away i realised that something had happenes. I rushed downstairs to witness that my boy puked all over the first floor. And he was feeling extremely guilty for that. I comforted him that it was ok and he has nothing to be worried about and told him that I will get him help right away. This was the realisation of my biggest worry because couple of days before he raided our trash can and ate scraps that i threw in the can the night before. Right away I started to regret the dicision I made not to rush him to the hospital since he was perfectly fine for the next 2 days that followed (eating, drinking, playing, walking, and all the other sweet things he loves to do). So extremely worried within 10 min of witnessing that sight we were at the veterenary office. As he already had a pancreatitis case 4 years before I knew the symptoms and described them to the doctor. They took him for diagnosis and 20 min later it was pronounced that he had the pancreatitis. So they started the anti vomit injection and anti dehydration. I also asked them for pain killers and they prescribed him morphine based one. When we got home I followed the strict vet guidelines as to how to give him water. But something was wrong. My baby couldnt lay down or to sit and the whole Friday I was by his side trying to help him lay down to relax but he just couldnt because the tummy pain was extreme that even the pain killers werent helping. So in the evening my suffering at looking at him in pain became unvearable( it was eating me alive seeing him in such a pain), that when my wife got home from work we took him to the emergency hospital. They told us to leave him there for 48 hours so that he can get the IV and pain killer injections theough blood. When they bring him out so that we can say goodbye to him and that we will see him tomorrow, his eyes looked at me as if he was feeling betraid and abandonned. I had to fight through my feelings and force myself to leave him there thinking that he will get the reqyired treatment over night. That night getting home I called the hospital to see if they started his treatment and that he can now sit down. So it calmed me down knowing that my baby is feeling better and after a stressful day i went to bed and fell asleep not even realising that this was the last time i saw my furry best friend alive.
The next morning at 8 I was awaken from a phone call. It was the doctor. She started the conversation by saying the he was getting better theough the night BUT in the last 15 min his health deteriorated rapidly and that he needs a plasma transfusion. I lost my speech as different thaughts were going through my mind. I told them I will be there in an hour (they are located far from me). So I rushed to my car and was driving there. When there we only 15 min left to get there the phone rang and it was the same doctor saying that micki had a cardiac arrest and they are trying to bring him back. They placed me in a room while they were fighting for his life and after the 3rd cardiac arrest I told the doctor that I cannot continue to torture my baby like that and told them to stop. I went to see him on the table and bursed in tears to see hos lifeless body laying there covered with a towel. I asked them to take the body home and buried him in his favorite place below maple tree in my back yard. Placed his favorite toys, snacks, his leash and his pillow for him to enjoy on the other side.
Right now we are all devastated, saddened, in my family. The pain of not having him with us is so hard to bare. I started to blame myself that I should have taken that garbage out the same night. Basically replaying every decision I made looks wrong to me. And the pain of loosing my sweet boy due to my mistake is unbearable.
Micki was 6 years old. He was my only friend that truly loved me before I met my wife. I am currently trying to sooth the pain of my second baby girl so that she doesnt suffer without his presence but everything we do right now (naps, food, backyard potty breaks) reminds me of him . Everything I do now is firat time without my beatiful boy. I will stop writing now as the feeling are overwhelming me right now.

[Trulie]

Hi, I am sorry for your loss. Please know you did absolutely nothing wrong. You did everything in your power to help Micki and Micki absolutely knows that. I know it is difficult to get pass the guilty feeling, we all feel like we could've done something else.
It will take time.

It sounds like you had a wonderful time with him, remember the good times. I lost my dog when she was 7 and I know how hard it is to lose them at such a young age and suddenly. But in time you will realize that you did all the right things and should not feel guilty for getting Micki the help he required.

I know there are probably no words that will make it better right now, but we all know how you feel and hopefully you will find support here. This website helped me a lot when I was grieving.

[MaximusM]

Thank you Trulie. Your kind words are very appreciated in this hard times. I am trying to remember the good things we both share and that if it was me who passed away, I would definitely bot wish to see my sweet boy in sadness and grief and I am sure he is feeling the same way right now. Yesterday I was doing ok by going to his grave and to talk abit after I got to work and to bring his a little branch from the tree that he always loved to jump under every time I let him outside in the backyard. And wished him good night before I went to bed. But today in the morning, I relapsed again in my sadness thinking about him and looking at his pictures. I am trying to conceal my emotions when my other dog is around me but sometimes the feeling are overwhelming since she took and displaying his habits for the first time out of nowhere. I truly believe it's his way of telling me he is still with me from the other side. I am currently trying to occupy myself with different things to do around the house in orther to dull the pain and not to project my feelings of sadness to my son and my other dog.

[moon_beam]

Hi, MaximusM, please permit me to add my sincerest sympathies in the physical loss of your beloved Micki. Losing a companion is never easy regardless of the circumstances or how long we are blessed with the privilege of their company. Losing a companion so unexpectedly can intensify the grief.

MaximusM, this grief journey is one of the most painful experiences you will know on this side of eternity. It is a journey that is filled with many different emotions that can overwhelm us all at one time which is why it is frequently referred to as a horror roller coaster ride. One of the many emotions we all experience is guilt / remorse for this comes from looking back and trying to reconcile all the whys, what ifs, and if onlys that haunt and torture our hearts when we are so emotionally vulnerable. From what you share with us there is no doubt that you did everything in your human and humane power to give your beloved Micki a happy and healthy earthly journey. I hope in time you will be able to find a peace in your heart that your beloved Micki knows that you love him and that your decision to stop extraordinary measures of resuscitation so that his sweet Living Spirit could be released from his failing, frail physical body is a decision that you made from the deepest love you have for him - - you put his needs above yours especially at a time when your heart was breaking under the burden of deepest sorrow.

This is what love is, MaximusM. And the good news in the midst of all this pain is that the love bond you and your beloved Micki share is eternal - - it is not restricted by the physical laws of time and space. Your beloved Micki's sweet Living Spirit is always and forever a part of your heart and memories - - he is always and forever a heartbeat close to you.

I know so very well from first hand experience that when our hearts are entrenched in deep sorrow there are no adequate words in any language that can soothe the searing pain of sorrow. Still I hope the words I share with you will offer you some measure of comfort, support, encouragement, and hope as you travel your grief adjustment journey.

Thank you so much for honoring us in sharing your beloved Micki with us. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, MaximusM, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[MaximusM]

Hi moon_beam thank you for your kind words. Today I am feeling better. I have left my second furry friend at my mother in law for a day as I feel I am not providing her enough attention and deserved love because everytime I look at her the memories of sweet Micki come out and tears overflow the eyes. Tomorrow will be exactly one week since he first showed the sickness symptoms and I am afraid that the depression will be overwhelming. I have created a new routine right now in order to ease the pain of the loss abit. Since when we moved to our new house a year ago, I always rushed home from work to let them both out for their evening bathroom break. Now I rush to work so that I can sit down next to his little grave and share our memories together for couple of minutes. I have read a poem yesterday "rainbow bridge" and it comforted me knowing that when it will be my time he will be right there waiting for me.

[LittleGirl's...]

Hi MaximusM,

I'm so sorry to hear of the physical loss of your sweet Micki. I lost my cat Mariah to pancreatitis in 1998, due to circumstances that I blamed myself for for many years. I finally realized she did not want me to do that. I've done some letter writing over the years--from me to her, from her to me, and that is one thing that has helped.

You are so right that if it had been you who had passed, you would not want Micki blaming himself for anything! He loves you and always will. And you're right that you'll be fully reunited when it is your time to pass.

I do believe that he is right there with you--and doing whatever he wants, since there are no time/space restrictions in his blissful realm. And he'll only ever know bliss.

You're so kind to look out so lovingly for your other dog.

I hope you check in and let us know how you are. Sending prayers of healing your way!

Kathy

[MaximusM]

Hi Littlegirl'sMommy thank you so much for your kind words. Little update is that I am doing better these days. Everyday still feels empty without Micki presence but right now I am trying to gather all my focus to my other dog in order not to make her feel abandinned and forgotten. Everyday walk to his little grave helps too. Sometimes its for just abit sometimes its to remember our memories together. But it definitely helps heal the pain of the loss.

[LittleGirl's...]

I am so glad to hear you are finding things that help with this healing process. Micki is smiling to think that healing is taking place. Please check back here any time--to share how you are doing, to share stories about Micki and/or your other dog (what is his name?), to share pictures---anything.

Please take good care of yourself.

Kathy

Hi Littlegirl'sMommy thank you so much for your kind words. Little update is that I am doing better these days. Everyday still feels empty without Micki presence but right now I am trying to gather all my focus to my other dog in order not to make her feel abandinned and forgotten. Everyday walk to his little grave helps too. Sometimes its for just abit sometimes its to remember our memories together. But it definitely helps heal the pain of the loss.

[Alex Mercer]

Hi Maximus. I am very sorry for your loss. We all know that it is very hard to cope up with the loss of our beloved pet. We will all miss them. I do think that this will help you with your pain that you are feeling. Think of your Micki that he is now on a very happy place having lots of fun and just experiencing pure happiness. This will help you in sort of a good way.

In case you'll be needing professional services, there are some in local cities like pet loss Tampa. Here's the site. I do hope that this can help.