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Crystal's Mom
59 years old
Gender Not Set
Nashville, TN
Born Oct-23-1964
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I have 2 beautiful children. They are my life. I am a licensed physical therapist, but my true talent is of a fine artist. I recently lost the only pet I have ever had. My Maltese Crystal was my first child and my heart is absolutely crushed with her loss.
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Joined: 7-April 06
Profile Views: 1,718*
Last Seen: 26th August 2006 - 03:18 PM
Local Time: Mar 29 2024, 10:37 AM
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AIM McSquba@aol.com
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Crystal's Mom

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5 May 2006
I see BlueBirds!!

It has been 1 month since my sweet angel Crystal passed on to the Rainbow Bridge (April 6, 2006 at 8:45am.) I believe she is happy. I believe she is healthy. I believe she is safe. But, I know I will always feel as if a part of my own soul went with her. I know she was my canine soulmate. I was blessed to have shared 14 years of her life with her. I sacraficed my own health attempting to nurse her back from beyond, but I lost her anyway. That horrible day will haunt my memories forever. I close my eyes and still feel her lifeless body in my arms. I still see her eyes that I forced open to tell her I love her one last time. I will never escape all of the images of that last day. The pain and the longing to hold her again has not eased. I still miss her terribly.

I think the only real accomplishment I have made in 4 weeks is I quit blaming myself for not being able to perform a miracle and make her healthy again. I could not stop crying and did not leave the house for 5 days. Having 2 young children, I was forced to get out after that, but I just cried everywhere I went. In the 4 weeks I have found that I do have complete meltdowns at times, but I have made it a day or two without a tear. It doesn't take much to trigger a "meltdown," but I feel I have gotten used to the empty feeling and the empty house.

I still can't sleep without holding her dog toy. Night time is still the hardest. That was the time she became my "only" baby again. Nights after my human children went to sleep was our time to cuddle. That is the time of most grief for me now.

I have been fortunate enough to have experienced visits from her:
1. My 4 year old daughter had the first visit. At 2 wks 3 days after Crystal passed, she awoke telling me that Crystal came to her bedroom and told her about the bluebirds in Heaven. My daughter said that Crystal helped her draw a picture of what the bluebirds look like. Then my daughter handed me the drawing. (attached below) <meltdown> She said that Crystal stayed with her a while and then she went downstairs to my bedroom to check on me before she went back to Heaven.

2. At 3 weeks 1 day, Crystal came to me in a dream. It wasn't just a dream. It was a visit. She was running to me like a soft white cloud. She jumped in my arms and licked my enitre face. She was puppy-like and healthy again. It was such a beautiful reunion!!! I felt her soft fur. I smelled her. I was overjoyed!!! I just held her and loved her, but I was so happy to see her that I woke myself up crying. I woke up too soon!!!

I do feel as if Crystal is tying to communicate with me though. As I said above, my 4 year old drew a picture of a bluebird that Crystal told her was in Heaven:

May 1st, 3 weeks 4 days after Crystal passing, I SAW a bluebird. I was driving home from my 6 yr old daughter's school. My 4 year old was in the car. We were almost home and I looked in a clearing near my house. There was a blue bird flying along with us. My daughter said, "that's it!" So we let Crystal know we saw it and told her we missed her.

May 3rd, 3 weeks 6 days, I saw another bluebird. It was not the same one. This one was on the way to school with my 4 year old. We were about 1 mile from our house and there was a beautiful, bright bluebird flying 50 feet from our car. I pulled over and stopped. I cried and let Crystal know that I appreciate all the beauty she is sharing with me and told her that we miss her.

(**Prior to those recent sightings, I have only seen 2-3 blue birds in my 41 years of life. I know they are signs from Crystal.**)

The month has not been easy. I have had to see a cardiologist because the stress from grief has caused heart palpitations (8-10 per day) that got so severe one day that I blacked out. So I am under the care of a cardiologist, wearing a monitor at home right now. The echocardiogram showed no structural damage, and they can't find any chemical problem, so they believe it is all stress related right now.

I know I have read posts on LS where people want to join their beloved furbabies, but believe me, when you truly feel as if it is going to happen, it is very scary. I think this scare helped put my loss of Crystal in perspective. I truly love Crystal and she is my canine soulmate. I know we will be reunited when my time comes, but I want to be around to see my human children grow up. I want to see them grow into young ladies, go to a prom, and become happy adults. I admit I was suffering from depression, but I am ready to live again now.

If you are reading this and had a recent loss, believe me, the pain subsides little by little. Don't let yourself get so far down that your own physical or mental health truly suffers. Seek professional help. Your beloved furchild wouldn't want you to hurt yourself and your human loved ones, need you. The world needs you.

I still think of Crystal daily, and tears come almost daily, but time is healing the hurt. Sometimes it feels as if she just left me yesterday, but other times I feel like a month is almost a year and she has been gone so long. I still find myself curled up with her ashes occasionally, but I know she wants me to live. So I plan to try to focus more on the wonderful time we had together and look for bluebirds.
Attached image(s)
Attached Image
 
5 May 2006
I see Blue Birds!!

It has been 1 month since my sweet angel Crystal passed on to the Rainbow Bridge (April 6, 2006 at 8:45am.) I believe she is happy. I believe she is healthy. I believe she is safe. But, I know I will always feel as if a part of my own soul went with her. I know she was my canine soulmate. I was blessed to have shared 14 years of her life with her. I sacraficed my own health attempting to nurse her back from beyond, but I lost her anyway. That horrible day will haunt my memories forever. I close my eyes and still feel her lifeless body in my arms. I still see her eyes that I forced open to tell her I love her one last time. I will never escape all of the images of that last day. The pain and the longing to hold her again has not eased. I still miss her terribly.

I think the only real accomplishment I have made in 4 weeks is I quit blaming myself for not being able to perform a miracle and make her healthy again. I could not stop crying and did not leave the house for 5 days. Having 2 young children, I was forced to get out after that, but I just cried everywhere I went. In the 4 weeks I have found that I do have complete meltdowns at times, but I have made it a day or two without a tear. It doesn't take much to trigger a "meltdown," but I feel I have gotten used to the empty feeling and the empty house.

I still can't sleep without holding her dog toy. Night time is still the hardest. That was the time she became my "only" baby again. Nights after my human children went to sleep was our time to cuddle. That is the time of most grief for me now.

I have been fortunate enough to have experienced visits from her. My 4 year old daughter had the first visit. At 2 wks 3 days after Crystal passed, she awoke telling me that Crystal came to her bedroom and told her about the bluebirds in Heaven. My daughter said that Crystal helped her draw a picture of what the bluebirds look like. Then my daughter handed me the drawing. (attached below) <meltdown> She said that Crystal stayed with her a while and then she went downstairs to my bedroom to check on me before she went back to Heaven.

At 3 weeks 1 day, Crystal came to me in a dream. It wasn't just a dream. It was a visit. She was running to me like a soft white cloud. She jumped in my arms and licked my enitre face. She was puppy-like and healthy again. It was such a beautiful reunion!!! I felt her soft fur. I smelled her. I was overjoyed!!! I just held her and loved her, but I was so happy to see her that I woke myself up crying. I woke up too soon!!!

I do feel as if Crystal is tying to communicate with me though. As I said above, my 4 year old drew a picture of a bluebird that Crystal told her was in Heaven:

May 1st, 3 weeks 4 days after Crystal passing, I SAW a bluebird. I was driving home from my 6 yr old daughter's school. My 4 year old was in the car. We were almost home and I looked in a clearing near my house. There was a blue bird flying along with us. My daughter said, "that's it!" So we let Crystal know we saw it and told her we missed her.

May 3rd, 3 weeks 6 days, I saw another bluebird. It was not the same one. This one was on the way to school with my 4 year old. We were about 1 mile from our house and there was a beautiful, bright bluebird flying 50 feet from our car. I pulled over and stopped. I cried and let Crystal know that I appreciate all the beauty she is sharing with me and told her that we miss her.

(**Prior to those recent sightings, I have only seen 2-3 blue birds in my 41 years of life. I know they are signs from Crystal.**)

The month has not been easy. I have had to see a cardiologist because the stress from grief has caused heart palpitations (8-10 per day) that got so severe one day that I blacked out. So I am under the care of a cardiologist, wearing a monitor at home right now. The echocardiogram showed no structural damage, and they can't find any chemical problem, so they believe it is all stress related right now.

I know I have read posts on LS where people want to join their beloved furbabies, but believe me, when you truly feel as if it is going to happen, it is very scary. I think this scare helped put my loss of Crystal in perspective. I truly love Crystal and she is my canine soulmate. I know we will be reunited when my time comes, but I want to be around to see my human children grow up. I want to see them grow into young ladies, go to a prom, and become happy adults. I admit I was suffering from depression, but I am ready to live again now.

If you are reading this and had a recent loss, believe me, the pain subsides little by little. Don't let yourself get so far down that your own physical or mental health truly suffers. Seek professional help. Your beloved furchild wouldn't want you to hurt yourself and your human loved ones, need you. The world needs you.

I still think of Crystal daily, and tears come almost daily, but time is healing the hurt. Sometimes it feels as if she just left me yesterday, but other times I feel like a month is almost a year and she has been gone so long. I still find myself curled up with her ashes occasionally, but I know she wants me to live. So I plan to try to focus more on the wonderful time we had together and look for bluebirds.
Attached image(s)
Attached Image
 
9 Apr 2006
This is my third night to be lost! This is my third night to be so alone! This is another sleepless one! How do you cope without your life and soul. I feel as if part of mine passed on when my soulmate passed away. I am in agony! I still can't eat, can't sleep, can't breath sometimes. I have yelled out in anger. I have cried desperately to bring her back. I have tried to make deals. I have tortured myself. Do you ever recover? Am I ever going to feel whole again? Do you ever get used to the idea of your baby being gone?

I MISS CRYSTAL SOOO MUCH!! She slept with me every day of her 14 year life. Now I find I cannot sleep without her. I keep finding myself reaching for her to pull her closer only to find there isn't anything there. But every time I close my eyes, I am haunted with the last thing I saw, her poor lifeless body. How do I get beyond this? I am trying to remember how happy she made me and all the good times, but that just makes me miss her and feel guilt that I couldn't perform a miracle and make her healthy again.

I have talked to her constantly. I am so worried about her. Is she happy? Does she know how much I love her and miss her? Is she pushing her cloud bed in exactly the right shape before she goes to sleep?

I am lucky and fortunate that I was allowed to share her life with her! I do have quite alot to be thankful for and I am, but the pain is severe. The love for my human children makes me go on and exist for them, but there is a huge void in my life without my first child. My fur child. The one that was always the best behaved, most loving, and cuddly.

This site and all of my fellow animal lover friends are the only comfort I have found. Please help me work through this. Even my two beautiful children are not bringing me joy as they usually do. They are 4 & 6 and keep forgetting she is gone and calling for her or talking about her which starts the tears and the memories flooding again.

I have found comfort from this site and many of you here. Please help me get through this!
7 Apr 2006
Yesterday was the hardest day of my life. My faithful loving Maltese who was my companion of 14 years passed away. She was my child and my best friend. I am grieving so deeply that I have not been able to keep anything down for 2 days. I took anti-nausea medication, but it hasn't helped. I guess it proves that your "will" is strong enough to heal or prevent healing. I have cried out any hydration that I was able to get to stay down. I have never hurt so much. How long does it hurt this bad? How long will it take before I stop seeing her in all of her favorite spots or hearing her walk through the house? Am I truly losing my sanity or is this part of grieving for something so dear? Anyone who has experienced this please give me some insight on how to cope.
7 Apr 2006
My beautiful Maltese Crystal passed away today. --- A mother's love is the deepest and greatest. She was my first child and my entire being aches for her. I have cared for her to the expense of my own health for 2 months now waking every 2 hours throughout the night and never getting away from home for more than an hour during the day. I have been feeding her using a syringe because she could not eat or drink on her own. I cannot imagine the grief of a loss of a child because this grief I have for Crystal is so immense that it is hard to imagine more. I know I would never survive either of my beautiful girl's loss and never want to be faced with that. Crystal has been my sweet "cuddly bug" for 14 years and all I want to do is hold her again. When she died, I held her body for 3 hours before I could move toward the door to have her cremated. Then when I drove, crying hysterically, to the crematory I sat there in the lobby holding her and telling her how much I love her and will miss her another hour. After I left, I began throwing up violently and continued to do that even after taking anit-nausea medication. I need to sleep, but every time I close my eyes, I see her poor weak body. I know death is a part of life, but nothing ever will be able to prepare you for it. I had to leave her lifeless body on a table. She was wearing her favorite sweater, wrapped in a blanket. I opened her eyes one more time and told her that I loved her. I pick up her ashes tomorrow.

I would give almost anything to hold her and see her run across the back yard to me. I am trying to think only of the happy side of her life, but it only makes me miss her more. My 6 year old said, "Mom, I don't like this place of heaven. You don't come back from there." I explained about Crystal's spirit always being with us and she said, "Mom, you can't hold and love a spirit."
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