Jack

I have been responding to posts here, hoping to help people and a few members have suggested I share my story so here goes..........
Its been 3 years since I lost Jack so I hope those of you who have only just suffered a loss don't mind me telling you my story. I hope that it may give you some hope and also that it will help you understand that how you feel is very normal.

We adopted Jack, an cross-german shephard in Darwin, Australia. The girl there told us he'd be put to sleep in a week as they only kept dogs for a month! I was mortified and took him home with me! I thought he was the most beautiful dog in the world and could not understand why no one had chosen him before. He was just 12 months old and a total joy to be around. I had moved there from the UK to be with my boyfriend and had many tough times but Jack always made me smile. Many times I wanted to move back to the UK but did'nt because I couldn't take Jack with me. When my boyfriend got postings in the army, it was always Jack who kept me going and if it hadn't been for him I would have felt very alone at times. He was my best friend.

His only problem in life was his noise phobia. He hated storms and fireworks and nothing helped really with this fear. We did manage to help him a bit when we saw a behaviourist but we couldn't walk him if there were loud bangs.

One day I found out that the pet passport system had come into effect so after we got married, we moved back to the UK to be with my family. Jack came too of course! Everyone loved Jack and laughed at the way he loved his furry toys and would shove as many in his mouth at one time as possible!

We worked full time so left him with mum every day so he wouldn't be alone. One week I was particularly stressed at work. I got up one morning earlier than usual and we dropped Jack at mums. I had so much on my mind I didn't even speak to him or say goodbye, something I will regret for the rest of my life. An hour later there was a knock on the door at work. It was my husband to tell me Jack was dead. He had been in the garden and we can only imagine heard a noise and got spooked. He ran up to the house and thought the door was open and ran straight into it. He died with my mum with him within a few minutes.

My world collapsed. I was in such a state my doctor signed me off work. Just about no one understood except my husband and best friend. My husband was almost as bad as me. I cried non stop for weeks. I thought I would die of a broken heart. I went through all the what ifs and felt enormous guilt about everything.
I couldn't imagine feeling worse but people actually made me feel worse by saying things like 'it was just a dog' and 'come on, its time to get on with things now' 'I've never seen anyone in such a state of bereavement!' I was made to feel like some kind of freak. Even now it makes me a bit angry! I'm not sure I have got past that even 3 years down the track. My cousin who I was really close to and used to talk to every day still hasn't been to see me 3 years later to see if Im okay because apparently she couldn't cope with my grief!

I want you to know that all these feelings are normal and eventually you will find peace. Now when I think of Jack, I remember the good times and I feel his presence around me. I still miss him as much but the pain has eased. My friend said to me when he died "would you have changed anything though, would you still have adopted him that day if someone had told you he would only be with you for 7 years and then you would have this pain?" And of course the answer was yes I would still have adopted him! I would never have changed my time with him, except maybe that last day of course. I am thankful to have had in my life.
Something happened also that made me know he is around me. After a few years of going through infertility treatment, I had a really vivid dream a few months after he died. I dreamt that I walked into a house and he was there and I just hugged him and said I can't believe its you! I woke up and said to my husband, "We are going to buy the house we are viewing today and this month I will be pregnant" Both things happened. I was sure Jack had sent me this message and he was watching over me. My son was just a week old when he started smiling and he often looked up at Jacks picture and smiled.

For those of you going through this now, just feel the way you feel and don't try and rush yourself through this to feel better. You can only take one day at a time.