I Can't Stop Crying

My best friend Frizbee (my persian cat) passed away in the early morning of May 5th, 2003.Even after a year, I still find myself crying either when I'm alone or during the night. I've become so depressed over the last year that I don't know what to do. I hide my emotions from my family, friends and my boyfriend I live with.

A week before Frizbee's passing, 2 small dogs from across the street had gotten into a fight with Frizbee. They pretty much ganged up on him. He seemed like he was fine, there was no bloodshed, he was just a bit upset. After that things went downhill. He didn't want to eat or drink. He was 14 years old, and he had a heart murmer, but I don't feel that was the main reason for him leaving me. I feel responsible for his passing.

I gave birth to my son 2 weeks before Frizbee left me. It seemed like I didn't have time for him. Before I gave birth, I lived upstairs with my mom for years. So did frizbee. My room was his room and we shared my bed. My mom and stepdad had built a basement suite for me, my boyfriend, my son and frizbee to live in. Frizbee didn't like it very much. There was too much change going on around him. I feel that he died from a broken heart. The last few weeks of his life, I didn't pay enough attention to him.

Personally I think he knew that he was going to pass away. The day before it happened, he wouldn't come near me. He didn't want to be in the basement suite at all. He passed away in his sleep in the living room upstairs under the coffee table. I never saw him. My mom came down at 9am and told me that she thought frizbee was dead and that she wanted my boyfriend to see if he was. I guess I was shocked at first. I told my boyfriend calmly what my mom had told me, and didn't realize what she had said until I had said it. I became hysterical. My boyfriend had to hold me up or I would have fallen onto the floor. I cried for hours. I didn't want to see frizbee at all. I knew I would probably lose it. I kind of regret that now. He was taken away that same day to be cremated. A few days after I received his ashes and he was then buried under his favorite tree in the backyard. I still have the collar with the bell he was wearing, and a bunch of pictures of him that I can't help but look at.

I don't know if how I'm acting is normal. I'm so depressed. I won't let my loved ones know how upset I still am. I also think that this is doing something to me physically. When I was at the hospital to have my gull bladder taken out, a Doctor had come to check on me right before I was to go into the operating room. He had discovered that I had a heart murmer also. I never had one before. My doctor says that it could be from stress. My grandfather had passed away in Augest too.(I wasn't as upset with my grandfather passing away as I was with frizbee, my grandfather had cancer and I knew beforehand what was going to happen) I don't know what to do.