Yesterday I lost my nearly 8 yo dog Kobi. I rescued him as a pup from a terrible start in life and he came out of his shell and became the most sweet loving confident boy. He was a fit apparently healthy dog who worked sheep on my farm with me and my other dogs. About 5 days ago he was finding it hard to get up and was limping, he was also off his food. I gave him dog anti inflammatory medication and the next day he was up on his feet and eating well. Over the next few days I limited his exercise and then he was feeling much better and asked to come on our daily walks across the paddocks.

So in the day before he died, I had to go and do some sheep work and I left him behind in the house, but later that day he again came on a walk with me. He was very slow but I thought he was just recovering from his sore leg as he was favouring it slightly still. I had taken him off medication that morning.

That evening he was off his food again and I thought because his leg was painful. My plan was to take him to the vets to get x-rays done on his legs and hips to check for arthritis. Anyway I gave him another painkiller and he ate a bit of food. Some hours later late at night he threw up his food. I took his temperature and it was normal along with a cold wet nose. So I didn't worry too much

As the night progressed he started to try and drink a lot of water and was throwing up and salivating. I live a long way from vet help and thinking it was just a gastro problem I decided to wait until morning when the vet opened. There is an emergency vet about an hour away but she operates out of home and has young children and I didn't want to wake her up for what seemed like a case of gastro. The nearest proper emergency hospital is a 3 hour drive away.

I tried to make my dog as comfortable as possible, left the lights on and the back door open so he could get out and I spent a restless night listening to him drinking, throwing up and then lying in his bed. I went out to check on him sporadically and as morning came he seemed to be resting in is bed, I felt helpless as how to help him and was feeling exhausted myself. I phoned the vet as soon as they opened and said I was bringing him in. When I lifted him out of his bed I realised he was going into a coma and the thought crossed my mind that he was dying. I was the longest hour drive in the vet. By the time I got him there he was dead.

I was completely devastated. The vet thought that there had probably been some underlying issue that was surfacing and thought it possible that even if I had got the dog to the emergency vet in the early hours of the morning there would not have been much she could have done.

Apart from really missing this sweet boy I am now wracked with feelings of guilt that I didn't pick up some signs earlier because I was busy and also convinced it was just likely arthritis in his legs. A vet had checked him over a some time ago and said that there was minor pain in his legs probably from a bit of arthritis.

I also feel terrible having listened to him vomiting through the night thinking that it a trip to the vet first thing in the morning would be okay. I feel guilty that I might have let him down and that I didn't get to say a proper goodbye.

I know I gave him a great life with me but losing him young coupled with these feelings of guilt about perhaps not being there for him the night he got sick I find very difficult to get past.

Hi, SummerHolly, please permit me to offer you my sincerest sympathies in the physical loss of your beloved Kobi. Losing a companion is never easy regardless of the circumstances or how long we are blessed with the privilege of their company. Losing a companion unexpectedly can intensify the grief.

SummerHolly, this grief journey is one of the most painful experiences you will know on this side of eternity. It is a journey that is filled with many different emotions that can overwhelm us all at one time which is why it is frequently referred to as a horror roller coaster ride. One of the many emotions we all experience is guilt / remorse for this comes from looking back and trying to reconcile all the whys, what ifs, and if onlys that haunt and torture our hearts when we are so emotionally vulnerable. From what you share with us there is no doubt that you did everything in your human and humane power to give your beloved Kobi a happy and healthy earthly journey. I hope in time you will be able to find a peace in your heart that your beloved Kobi knows that you love him. Even though his last hours in this earthly realm were upsetting, the blessing is that he had the opportunity to transition from this earthly realm in the presence of the one who devoted her life to him - - his Forever Mom - - and your beloved Kobi is forever grateful for this blessing - - for in the midst of all this pain the good news is that the love bond you and your beloved Kobi share is eternal - - it is not restricted by the physical laws of time and space. Your beloved Kobi's sweet Living Spirit is always and forever a part of your heart and memories - - he is always and forever a heartbeat close to you.

I know so very well from firsthand experience that when our hearts are entrenched in deep sorrow there are no adequate words in any language that can soothe the searing pain of sorrow. Still I hope the words I share with you will offer you some measure of comfort, support, encouragement, and hope as you travel your grief adjustment journey.

Thank you so much for honoring us in sharing your beloved Kobi with us. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, SummerHolly, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Thanks moon beam for your wise words. A horror roller coaster ride is indeed what I am on. My other dogs and myself are all rather subdued at the moment. Kobi was the noisy, exuberant one and it all feels very quiet at the moment. Kobi would literally squeal with excitement when I got home and we were heading off for a walk. He would play bow and entice my other girl dogs to play with him and best of all he loved snuggles from humans. He was abused as a puppy and came to me as a fearful suppressed 7 mo puppy. He blossomed and became a happy confident boy but deep down always carried some scars. People say that he had a great life with me and I hope where ever he is he knows how much I love him.

I love owning dogs but each time they leave they break your heart. You want them to leave peacefully but it would seem that is not often the case no matter how hard I try. I have 5 other dogs but it is amazing how a big a hole one can leave when they go. You really get to understand the whole of their personality in relation to everyday life. I hope he is somewhere beautiful because he was the most beautiful soul.

Hi, SummerHolly, thank you so much for sharing with us how you and your precious companions are doing. Indeed, the sound of silence of a beloved companion who is no longer physically with us can be deafening. Scientific studies prove that every living being has an "energy" that is an integral part of the family unit, and when this energy is no longer present the dynamics of the family unit changes. It takes time for the dynamics to adjust to this physical absence - - hence the painful grief adjustment journey both physically and emotionally.

I can so relate to your lament when you share with us " I love owning dogs but each time they leave they break your heart. You want them to leave peacefully but it would seem that is not often the case no matter how hard I try." It would truly be a blessing if each of our companions could transition from this earthly realm peacefully and comfortably in their sleep wrapped in the loving arms of their Forever Mom and / or Dad, but sadly this is rarely the case. The important thing we must do is to keep our focus on all the many wonderful memories we have with our beloved companions reminding us of the eternal love bond we share with them. This is one of the many things our beloved companions want for us as we continue our earthly journey, and hopefully in time your heart will be able to smile again which is what your beloved Kobi wants for you.

I hope today is treating you and your precious companions kindly, SummerHolly, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Kobi's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

It sure is a long hard road. I try not to replay alternative scenarios and think back to signs that I might have missed and what would have happened if I had picked them up. Our pets are such innocents and you feel that they place their trust in you. I hate the feeling that somehow I failed him in his hour of need. I think not knowing what went wrong in a seemingly fit and healthy dog really interferes with finding closure.

It is amazing how strong our feelings of love are for our companion animals. It really is hard work losing them, despite all the wonderful memories of their life. I woke up with a really sore throat and know it is connected to the stress of losing him that way.

i, SummerHolly, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. I know so very well how you're feeling in regard to "failing" your beloved Kobi. This is a feeling we all experience particularly during the deep grief and is so very, very hard to reconcile. The reality is - - our companions have a genetic trait from their wild cousins that makes them hide / disguise how they're feeling in regards to illness / injury until they can no longer do that. Sadly, we don't have X-ray eyes that can scan their bodies when we suspect that "something isn't quite right". So we can only do the best we can at any given moment of circumstances. I totally agree with your veterinary care provider that even if you had taken your beloved Kobi to the emergency room he would have been so stressed that would have added to inhibiting his chances of survival. The only way a definitive diagnosis can be made is to have an autopsy (necropsy) done - - but sometimes even this raises more questions than answers.

The good news is that our companions know we are mere mortals, and we can only do the best we can with our circumstances, finances, etc.. Your beloved Kobi knows that you always, always, always did the best for him that you knew how to do. He doesn't want you trapped in guilt that will only rob you of remembering the wonderful life you and your beloved Kobi shared together during his earthly journey. I know so very well it's easier said than done particularly during the deep grief, but I do hope in time you will be able to find a peace in your heart about your beloved Kobi's transition from this physical realm.

I hope today is treating you and your precious companions kindly, SummerHolly, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Kobi's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

I thought about what you said about the fact that we are just mortals and we cant know and everything and make perfect decisions all the time and that our dogs will know this. I also think it is important to celebrate the good times and not be trapped in the last horrible day of their lives. So I am working hard to do this and it is making me feel a little better.

I still ponder on what went wrong and am leaning towards the possibility of a snakebite which is common where I live but I will never know for sure. I am trying very hard not to play the what if game and think about what a gorgeous loving boy he was and try and remember him as the happy, smiling dog that he was.

Funny thing is that I haven't dreamed about my beloved Holly since she died a few years back and last night I had a dream about her and we were doing a dog sport that we both loved together in the dream.

I like to think that my dogs are with me always

Hi, SummerHolly, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. I'm glad I have been able to offer you some measure of comfort during your grief journey. It's very hard not to play and replay the "what if, if only" scenarios in our minds during the deep grief journey, and am glad you are trying to focus on the many good memories you and your beloved Kobi share. I'm also smiling that you had a dream of your beloved Holly - - her way of letting you know she is still with you and offering you comfort as you adjust to the physical absence of your beloved Kobi.

I hope today is treating you and your precious companions kindly, SummerHolly, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Kobi's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam