Jesse.x

Friday i had to make the painful decision to have my beloved 5 year old Golden Retriever put to sleep. He was called Jesse - after the cowboy.
I never anticipated feeling this lost. I feel empty and have moments where i still believe he's here. I see him out of the corner of my eye, i expect his to come sliding into the kitchen when i feed my other Labrador. I forget and call him in the park. And then i remember and the pain all comes back.
4 weeks ago we made what i thought was a normal trip to the vets. Jesse's back leg appeared to have gone lame. We all thought he had pulled a muscle after a long walk. The vet gave him a steroid injection and off we went. Over the next few weeks Jesse stopped eating and was being sick almost daily. He was lethargic and didn't appear his normal self. Concerned we went back and forth to the vets, they came up with numerous explanations but Jesse just wasn't getting any better but none of them fitted. Jesse was getting worse by the day. We did urine and blood samples that finally revealed the awful news that he had cancer. They said that he would continue to deteriorate and the kindest thing i could do was to put him to sleep.
On his last week Jesse ate nothing, he shook terribly when the pain got to bad and slept most of the day. This wasn't my Jesse. I knew what i had to do. On the day i walked him through the park with Keano. He was playful and bright, but stayed by my side. We sat on a wall together and i told him how much i loved him and what a great dog he really was. Waiting in the surgery was probably the worst moment of my life. Having to sign the form and deciding what i wanted to do after. It seemed so surreal. I held him close as they injected him and he fell asleep very quick. I really believe he knew what was going to happen as he looked at me the whole time. I stayed with him afterwards and just laid my head on his.
Now I'm at a loss. I feel empty and have cried so much. Im sleeping with his collar and have his bed right by the side of mine. Keano is missing him terribly also. He looks for him all over the house, or looks out of the window expecting him to come back. I feel cheated as Jesse was only 5. I never imagined losing him so soon. I didn't realise how much i relied on him and how he supported me (how they both did) through so many difficult times in my life. I just want him back. I want to wake up and all this to have been a terrible dream. Will this feeling ever go?
I don't think many of my friends understand. Few of them have pets of there own. I have read some of the posts on here and it does provide me with some comfort that I'm not the only one who feels this. Jesse taught me so much about life. He taught me about forgiveness, how each day is a new day, how to love unconditionally, loyalty and many more things. I keep trying to remember all the good times we had but at the moment that seems to make me feel worse.
Sorry for the length of this post - I wanted it to be almost cathartic for myself.

Sarah.

Goodnight Jesse. ******