I am numb as I write this and feel lost in the world alone. 10/28/13 my boy Boots was put to sleep around 3pm. I kissed him until the end and cuddled his warm body. the moments after are a blurr. all I wanted was to hold my baby and keep kissing him for hours and hours until his body was picked up. My baby was suppose to be getting better. He played for me the week before only to find him sunday unable to walk. before his procedure he was assessed and it was noted that his right pupil was dilated and pulses uneven. Boots threw an ischemic clot paralyzing his right side. I miss my boy.................................. every moment is hard. I keep looking for him, expecting him to hope on the bed and give me kisses and cuddle-buddle with me. I have to bite my tongue from yelling for him. ive been screaming and hollering myself to sleep so much that my blood pressure has been dangerously high and causing nose bleeds. when will my hurt stop, when will I stop feeling guilty. my baby......I miss my baby so much.

Hi, Ke, please permit me to offer you my sincerest sympathies in the physical loss of your beloved Boots. Losing a companion is never easy regardless of the circumstances or how long we are blessed with the privilege of their company. Euthanasia is the last gift of love we can give to our companions at great sacrifice to ourselves so that they can be restored to their former youthfulness in the company of the angels.

Ke, this grief adjustment journey is one of the most painful experiences you will know on this side of eternity. You ask very universal questions that affect everyone who is going through a very traumatic experience - - and clinical professionals recognize that the loss of a beloved companion qualifies as a traumatic event: "when will my hurt stop, when will I stop feeling guilty." Unfortnately there is no simple answer to these questions. This grief journey cannot be reconciled in a minute, an hour, a day, a week, a month, or even 6 months for you are now on a journey that is filled with all the "first withouts" and the memories that can be all too painful right now that include "this time yesterday, last week, last month, last year" to endure. It is a journey that can only be traveled one day at a time, sometimes one moment at a time, in your own way and in your own time.

One of the many emotions we all experience during deep grief is guilt / remorse, and it is one of the hardest emotions to reconcile - - for it comes from the depths of our sorrow which makes us ask the question "why" and torments our hearts with the "if onlys." Ke, from what you have shared with us in your topics about your beloved Boots in the "Pet Disease and Illness" forum, you have done everything in your power to give your beloved Boots a happy and healthy earthly journey. Unfortunately we are mere mortals -- we do not possess the supreme power to heal our companions from their physical afflictions. Sometimes veterinary medicine can intervene and provide a good quality of life for our companions, while at other times, such as what happened with your beloved Boots - - the only thing we can do is release them from their frail, failing, painful physical bodies when our hearts are breaking from the most painful burden of sorrow.

Please let me try to reassure you that what you are experiencing is very normal when you share with us: "I keep looking for him, expecting him to hope on the bed and give me kisses and cuddle-buddle with me." Scientific studies prove that every time our companions kiss / lick us, rub against us, etc., they are literally chemically imprinting themselves onto us so that they can identify us from all the other millions of people on this planet. When they are no longer physically with us, our bodies literally experience a physical withdrawal from them, and it is a very painful experience - - both physically and emotionally. It is vitally important that you find a healthy way to release your deep sorrow so that your body can try to more comfortably cope with the physical adjustments. You may need to talk to your doctor about your blood pressure and what you are experiencing with the nose bleeds so that he can adjust your medication to help you through this very stressful time.

Even in the depths of your deepest sorrow, there is one thing that will never change - - the eternal love bond you and your beloved Boots share. Love is eternal, Ke - - it is not restricted to the physical laws of time and space. Although your beloved Boots is no longer physically with you, his sweet Living Spirit continues to share your earthly journey as he always has and always will - - for he is always and forever a part of your heart and memories, Ke - - he is always and forever a heartbeat close to you.

Ke, it is vitally important that you know you are not alone during your grief adjustment journey. I know all too well from first hand experience that when our hearts are entrenched in deep grief there really are no adequate words in any language that can soothe the seering pain of sorrow. I sincerely hope the words I share with you will be able to offer you some measure of comfort, support, encouragement, and hope as you travel your grief adjustment journey. Please know you are among friends here who truly do understand what you are going through, and we are here for you for as long and as often as you need us.

Thank you so very much for honoring us by sharing your beloved Boots with us, Ke. I know you shared pictures of your Boots with us on your topics in the "Pet Disease and Illness" forum, but perhaps you would like to share a picture of him in this forum as well. I hope today is treating you kindly, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Boot's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

( excuse the background in the pic lol it was finals weeks and Boots and I was snacking and studying)

Moon, thank you thank you thank you thank you. Your words........touched me and gave my heart the loving encouragement it needed. I will share a picture of my baby for everyone to see. no one reads my post but you and that's ok I believe you have been placed on my page for a reason to keep me sane and encouraged during this time. I can not thank you enough. my blood pressure is better today. I have to make sure I take my medicine and try to stay calm. I knew my babies death would hit me hard. I am so happy he is no longer in pain. seeing him struggling to walk was so horrible. the morning I found him he was curled up on my house coat on the bed waiting for me to get home. He tried to hold on and be strong as long as he could for me, but I knew it was time to let him be in peace. when my husband gets home we are going to scatter some of his ashes in the yard. I know his sweet kitty spirit is with me forever. Thank you for all the love and support shown to me and my little boy. Mama's Little Grr Grrr is at the Rainbow Bridge. I cannot wait to spot him and cross it with him forever. ...until then I will always cherish his memory and love we shared on earth.

Hi, Ke, thank you so very much for sharing with us how you're doing, and these WONDERFUL pictures of your beloved Boots. He is soooo handsome, and I do soooo know how broken your heart is feeling right now - - and will feel for quite some time. But I promise you, Ke, it will not always be this way. One day - - very likely when you least expect it - - you will be thinking of your beloved Boots and you will find yourself smiling - - truly smiling - - and your heart will fill with the wamth of your and your beloved Boots' eternal love. But until this time comes for you, Ke, please know you are among friends here who truly do understand what you are going through and we are here for you for as long and as often as you need us.

I hope today is treating you kindly, Ke, and that you will have a very peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Boots' sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Hi Ke,

Just wanted to let you know that I understand your grief and that I am so sorry for your loss so very sorry. The first weeks after losing our beautiful Scarlett are a blur for me but I could not have gotten through it without making sure I got proper rest and nourishment. Please make sure you are taking care of yourself. I am still grieving for our Scarlett but from the amazing people on this site I've been told that the grief will become less intense at some point. I hold on to the hope that it does - for all of us.

I just wanted to stop by to let you know that you are not alone and that I will be keeping you in my thoughts and sending you healing energy.

- Scarlett's Mom

hi, I hope you are doing ok, your boy looks like mine did, a big handsome long-haired kitty, I am so sorry to hear of your loss. My Mr. Cat also had a heart problem and it hurts so much to know he is gone now. I too wish that my boy would appear again like magic so I could have more time with him. Please take care of yourself and know that you did the absolute best for Boots and he loves you for it.

Thank you Scarlett's Mom
I am still not taking things well. I've barely ate and sleeping with my baby's ashes every night to cope. I am not doing well mentally. I tried calling a petloss grief hotline the other day and got a voice mail....... I hung up and just held by baby's ashes to me close and cried. I've gotten out the house this weekend and my husband DEMANDED we go to church this AM because he recognizes I am not doing good mentally. My hubby told me I went into 2 trances the other night and began talking crazy. it scared him so bad. Boots passing has been the icing on the cake for all the mental stress I am going through. all I can do is take this day by day and pray. I have anti-depressant medication but I don't feel like it is helping. This is crazy!!! I am a healthcare professional..my job is to help others at times like this! I am angry that I cant snap out of it and help myself. I am off for this whole week ( thankfully) so I can pull myself together before returning to work. Please just keep me in your thoughts and prayers. I will be pushing on daily.

Thank you so much. Doing the best that I can at this moment. this mourning that I feel I cant describe it. it is the most intense and unique kind of hurt I have ever felt. sooooo sorry for your loss as well. I am grateful for this group. everyone has shown so much love and support. it is helping me in mire ways then you could imagine. * hugs*

Moon I love you...you have bee there for me through EVERY SINGLE POST...I have no words to express my thank you's. today November 3,4 I am not doing well. I am angry.....angry that I didn't do more to help my baby. With his platelet count being so high oct 1 I feel I should have pushed harder for his vet to prescribe an anti-platelet. maybe this could have prevented my baby from throwing a clot....or maybe I am thinking to much on human terms. all I can say is that I am mad. mad that my baby is gone and madder that he hasn't expressed himself in a visit to me. I thought with our bond he would have come back...ieven asked him too while expressed my sorry's and love to him during his procedure ...at this moment I am even second guessing our bond. think it was all in my head. I am depressed and SOOOOO LONELY . my emptiness hasn't gone away. I feel so bad for the decision I made. I feel like a murderer. all I want is my boys forgiveness. I am not trying to have a pity party...just expressing my true feelings and heart.

also I didn't scatter his ashes...could not bring myself to do it. I need him all to me right now.

kmariebanks, I also wrote to you on your other post.

I will definitely keep you in my prayers. I do understand the mental stress you are under - I felt like I broke from reality when our Scarlett passed - she passed so suddenly I still can't fully grasp our loss. My husband has expressed his concerns for me too. From my personal experience we can not snap out of this grief - its a process - please try to be kind to yourself during this process. Eating and sleeping are essential to your mental health. Becoming angry with how you are dealing with your loss will not support your healing - continue writing, its a constructive way for you to express your feelings. Day's after our Scarlett passed I started a journal for her - in it I write letters to her… I've found it comforting.

I hope you are having a good day and know that I am sending you healing energy and keeping you in my thoughts.

- Scarlett's Mom

Hi, Ke, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. Ke, please let me try to reassure you that what you are feeling is very normal deep grief - - including all the doubts. There is no way to predict blood clots, therefore they cannot be treated ahead of time - - except in certain situations where there is surgery / injury / genetic predisposition for blood clots to form, etc., and then close monitoring is needed to make sure the patient does not inadvertenly bleed to death. I do hope eventually you will be able to find some peace in your heart that you really did do EVERYTHING that is in your power to give your beloved Boots a happy and healthy earthly journey.

Even though you cannot "feel" him close to you. Sometimes when our hearts in very deep sorrow we are unable to be receptive to the "signals" our beloved companions give us that they are still close to us. It can be as simple as the sunrise in the morning, a bird sitting on a windowsill, a butterfly settling on a flower - - to being blessed with a dream of your beloved Boots to let you know he is safe in the care of the angels. Please know that your beloved Boots is ALWAYS and forever with you in your heart and memories - - nothing in heaven or on earth can change this.

I hope today is treating you kindly, Ke, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Boots sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam